Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,
Please know how much I need you right now.
Please know how hard I am trying, even when it looks like I am just being willful.
Please know how much I respect you, even when I push your buttons - especially when I push your buttons.
Please know I am still terrified you will decide to leave.
Please know how much I am hurting right now.
Please know how much I appreciate you.
Please know you are amazing for putting up with me.
Please know how scared I am.
Please know I am so thankful I met you.
Please know I am never giving up.

Dear Long-time T--

What do we even talk about anymore? Need some guidance here. I think I'm liking Health T because he is more goal-oriented and well, he is in the same geographic state as I am. He will never replace you truly, but I have to admit he is "Plan B" if you dare croak on me. Love you first, of course.

Dear Health T-
You are a bit twitchy and quirky, and have overwhelming presence in the room but I like it. You are bombastic and utterly upbeat and it is fascinating. Keep dropping those exclamation marks in excess in anything you write (!) it is funny and endearing.

I'm having big-time transference stuff rain down on me--please help me manage it without hurting my feelings/pushing me away. I get it---none of my T's will take me home and adopt me.

I haven't seen you since March, it's been so long that you haven't even met him yet. I need you now, more than ever. I feel my relationship falling apart Sara, and even though he is insecure and manipulative and doesn't trust me, I still find it impossible to leave him. I need your help, but you're on maternity leave and won't be back for at least a month. Please, just help.

T,
I'm scared I'm going crazy and things will only get worse from here. I'm slipping and I don't know how to stop it. I'm so scared but more scared of your reaction. And completely terrified of your suggestions.

Dear T I miss you and I wish you would send me an email asking how I´m doing and telling me it is ok to come back if I need to even I know you never will. I wish you could be here for me more then you can (or want) and that you would just care. I wish you like me and understand me more too. I´m really not that bad I think........
When I quit why you didn´t even try to make me see other options ...why you just said ok ? I don´t think you like me .....and I wish it would not be that important to me but it is.

You didn't call or leave a message after my hospital appointment.

You didn't offer that I could call you or email you either after said event.
You just said you'd see my next week and hoped it would go well.
You didn't genuinely validate my fear.

BUT;

My hospital procedure went ok.
It was long- luckily the GP consultant seemed more empathic than you.
I got through it.

PDOC WHO DID NOT CALL ME BACK TODAY:

You have some of my disability forms you said a WEEK ago you knew I needed back soon and would be done by Wed. Um, hello, now that it's Friday am? I need to mail them.
And you did not even need them for a week....even my T was like, "WTH?" You do not make me respect pdocs as a whole any more at all.
You are not more important than anyone else. And your desk is a wreck. Can you even FIND my papers???

In an hour I'll be right outside your office...

I'm really confused, I want to see you(STUPID transference), yet I don't want to say a word. I'm exhausted of talking. I have tons of things that need to be discussed today, but I am completely wasted(seriously, you can't imagine!), without a single motive to actually get better.

Wanna get drunk together instead? If I pass out, please call an ambulance.

T,

Very big chance mondays session will be last. I hope I have the courage to ask you if you will do just one extra last-minute session somewhere next week if I actually fly out to work abroad for a year. Gosh, I can't believe it's happening. I worry more about not being in therapy than about leaving everything behind for a year. I'm weird. And It's not like I feel super attached to you as a person either. Just this whole thing. It's been eye-opening.

I don't wanna not see you for a year, is that silly?

Oh; and still this lil backdoor in my mind trying to not get too excited too, since it might still get cancelled, in a week i'll know for sure.

T,

Lately when I talk about my H and my frustration with the way the house looks, and still not cleaning up from the flood, etc., you say in this tone of voice I don't like, "but you don't want to leave him, so...." It sounds to me like you're exasperated and don't understand why I don't want to leave him. That makes me feel very bad, and I can't help wondering if you're thinking about how you left YOUR H. I'm not getting divorced but you're putting those thoughts into my head. True, I don't get a lot of my needs met, either emotionally or physically, and I do complain to you a lot about my frustrations. But, it's not right for you to push me to think a certain way.

If I were at a different stage of my life maybe I would make a different choice, but I don't want to be alone now. I wish you wouldn't say that remark in that tone of voice. I think you feel sorry for me and wonder why I'd want to live with my H. But you've met him and think there's a connection between us. If my decision is made, why do you have to talk to me the way you do? It hurts me. I will probably talk to you more about why I stay in my marriage, but please don't try to convince me to do something I'm not doing. I don't like when you say "you have choices", that I don't have to stay in my marriage, or you tell me to hire someone to throw things out, and to help with the basement. If I could do that, I would.

Dear T,

At this very moment, you are meeting with a new client - the one you "gave away" my session to. I'm angry, upset and hurt. But I'll get over it.

I hate you. I love you. I miss you. I never want to talk to you or see you again.

Amen.

Dear T-to-Be...if I ever indeed get a t again...which I most likely won't...but if I did:

I am so appalled by my body. I've been cut, stapled, removed and rebuilt, and nothing moves naturally anymore. The only place I can relax is neck deep in the water, where no one can see me moving. I know I need to do cardio, and work at getting my upper body strength back, but I can't bear the odd sensations of muscles trying to move and even worse, the visual of things that just don't "jiggle" right.

Feeling a bit crummy this evening. It'd be nice to talk to you, and I'd love a hug right about now... but I feel like I'm getting better at internalising you - your kind voice and supportive words and encouragement, replacing the critical old tapes that would play on a constant loop. So I don't really need to contact you. And I won't. Especially not this weekend. But it's okay, because I know you care, and I know you'll be there on Tuesday.

Dear T,
The fact that you remembered that particular line of our conversation over the phone, was so damn seeeexy. You made my evening, man!
I *knew* you loved what I told you and you just confirmed that flat out. Ha!

I honestly LOVE the fact that we can somehow flirt without crossing boundaries. You 're awesome!
I also made progress with my friends immediately after our session!
I'm so greatful I might actually text you tomorrow to say thanks. Although I'm not sure about that, I wouldn't want you to think I'm pushing your boundaries.

Dear T,

You've destroyed what little dignity I had. Why I don't know? To flirt with and impress my manager? What good could ever come from that? I needed you. You have no idea. Now, there is nothing left in me. I'm done.

Dear Madame T

You let me down when I wanted you to stand by me. It’s no good saying you think you did stand by me. It’s not enough to apologise. I want you to admit you were wrong, and I want compensation.

And I still want you to tell me your cancellation policy.

Dear T,

I wrote you a letter a few days ago but I don't think I'll send it.

One month to go until I see you.

Dear T!

Hi! How's things?! Yeah...exactly! So, um, saw some photos from rookie training camp, this morning!

Me

Dear T,

I know that we've only had a few sessions so far, but if I tell you that I'm stressed out and having panic attacks and migraines over what's going on in my life, shouldn't you try to help me calm down? Instead I feel like you just let me blather on and on about everything without any suggestions on how to approach things. Why do I bother? It's like watching someone drown instead of throwing them a life preserver! Anyway, with my car being out of commission, I don't know when I'll be able to have another session so I guess it doesn't matter. :/

Dearest T,
I know things have been difficult for you these past few months and I hope you have your own T to help you. I only say this out of care and concern, honestly.

Dear Old T,

I miss you so much. I suck in my breath when I think of you, and I start to get tears in my eyes and I want to just curl up in a ball. I loved you. I really did. and I trusted you. It is so weird to think that you're just out of my life now. It feels so wrong. I feel like when something worked so well, and then its just gone, that makes no sense at all. I don't know how to cope.

I wish deep in my heart that maybe you are reading this somewhere, anonymously. If you are, know that I still think about you every day, and that I wish for you all the time. I love you.

Dear T,

I hope your (grown) kids, husband, family, and friends appreciate just how lucky they are to be able to have you in their lives. Seriously. Luckiest people in the country, world, heck - entire solar system.

Miss you...

Love always,
BB xxx

Dear new pdoc,

I wonder how long it will take for me to trust you. You're an interesting person.. that's the feeling I got when I first met you. Interesting, and very hyper. But I still get this feeling that I shouldn't trust you so soon...

When you asked whether I had any sui thoughts, bad thoughts or self-destructive ones, I said no. Truth is pdoc, I lied. I can't tell you. And I can't tell you I cut either. I can't tell you that I'm really going back deeper into my cave again.. and I don't know when I'll be out. I don't know whether you'll be able to save me. And I don't know whether you can, since the resolution to slip away and disappear from the surface of the earth is getting ever so strong.

Truth is, I miss the old pdoc badly. I don't want you. I want her. But I can't. And I can't be selfish. Due to the system I know you just moved away from the patients you just cared for, and I'm the new one in the story.. I guess I'll just try my best to like you.. and hopefully trust you. I'm sorry new pdoc.

- htn

T,

I'm gonna try and eat a lot today so I can somehow prove tomorrow that I'm improving. But I don't think I really am. I'm starting to see now how my brain is tricking me a bit with this eating business. I don't know if I'll confess to that. Since you were deadserious on me not going down the wrong path here. I am eating better. But nowhere near your plan. Uhg. I'll tell you I guess. But what a mess. Other than that I'm doing super great. So please be kind!

I'm not living my life 'for you'.

It's time for me to leave.