Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear t,

I feel so lost and alone. I wish you could understand how bad it is. My life is a complete mess right now. I feel so useless and like a complete waste of space. I don't know who i am anymore. I have no idea what my purpose in life is anymore. I don't know how to keep going. I feel like i have no strength left in me. I don't know what to make of my life right now. I wish you could understand how I'm feeling...even if just for a minute, if you could see what i see. I'm so lost. I feel so dark inside.

Dear T,

Why did you take away the little bit of happiness I had in seeing you once a week? Why did you have to start seeing her? I was your patient first.

Dear T

When you looked shocked and didn't know what to say, after I told you about what happened when I was about 5, I wanted to take what I said back, so you'd not know any about that more.

We made a pact to be candid. I saw you struggle, and just wanted to know what was happening in your head. You did tell me that you were figuring on asking another question... Did you doubt that it was the way I said? I remember the colors and the place so vividly.

I wont ever embellish, or mislead, just to be dramatic. Life is just... sometimes... strange. Or crappy.

Please just be okay with the hearing of my story, and help me through the other side.

t,

can i cancel our appointment this week? i'm just tired of all this. and truth is, for this week, i'm a little scared of seeing you.

I wish I could tell you how much I want out of this life, how I think about ending it all...it's more than passing thoughts and I'm tired of fighting for my survival.

everything you said to me today was worthless. you saw how amped i was. you acknowledge it. you did nothing to help me. what good are you?

Dear T:

I might share this with you in session but I dunno.... Thanks for thinking about what I need and offering to readjust your schedule for me. My first gut reaction is to resist and feel a bit angry toward you - like why are you doing this? You don't really care but just want to keep me happy and get me off your back... And maybe that is all it is - how do I know?

But I know it's probably because I'm ashamed of my needs. I think that's why it's so freaking HARD for me to even have to see you and that it's taking SO long I just can't tolerate my own neediness.

Thanks for trying to reach out to me despite knowing I might bite your hand off lol

Yes, I know that wherever you are this week that you probably will not have email access, but guess what...it still hurts me that I haven't received a response from you. I waited a week to email you and I try to contain as much as I can. So is this one of those moments when some of your other clients use "colorful language?"

T,

When you say you are "very concerned" about my total lack of self compassion it worries me more. Like if you're "very concerned" then I must be really screwed, because you're supposed to be a highly trained and experienced T... but you're concerned. I must be worse off than I thought.

Dear T: You're cool. You rock. Thank you. I know I already say "thank you" at the end of every appointment.

T,

you changed our appointment but didnt inform me, only to inform me 2 hours earlier?!?!?!?!

no thanks T, i really hate last minute things.

Dear T,

Thanks for getting back to me, yesterday. The prescription wasn't in, last night, but I appreciate that I will have a temp med, until my next appointment with you, when we can discuss everything that has been going on, since my last visit. It's been a rather busy several months.

Why on earth do i miss you so much this week?

I miss you. Its been over a week and I feel like my life is getting worse and worse. Why can't I be fine without you!?

You don't listen. You don't care. You're not there when I need help. I have to get to a point where I need nothing. NOTHING. Because that is all I can ever expect to get from you or anybody else.

When I don't hear from you I worry that I've gone too far, or got too familiar

Dear T,

Please disregard the email I sent earlier this morning. Let's pretend it didn't happen. Let's also pretend we've never met. Deal?

You can't save me.
I'm sorry I put you through so much.
Therapy is not helping the mess that's called my life.
I don't think anything or anyone can support me.

Dear T,
Will you please not remember everything I say or write. How do you do it? I have never ever seen you take a note.

Dear T,
I'll pretend to be okay, you'll notice, ask me how my mood is, I'll tell you I don't know (I really don't), and nothing will get accomplished, like always. Remind me why I bother?

Dear t,
I feel really sad.

I don't want to live my life anymore, and I don't see a way to change my self inflicted circumstances. No, I would never actively do anything that is final to myself, but I do wish that I could just blink myself out of existence.

I sent you an email, and I emphatically do not send you emails. Now, I really, really regret it. I hate this feeling. Why did I send you an email?

Dear T,

I'm still functioning but it's very hard. I hate going through the motions every day. I'm so upset with you and her. Every time I see her I think of you. So how have your sessions with her been lately? A little dull? You no longer have new, juicy, stories about me to tell her anymore. The rumor mill will be getting quiet at the office. You and she can't sweep this under the rug. I will never forget. It's eating me alive.

Dear t,
I know people have been through worse but this really feels bad.