Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

How much more can I take? How long before I'm a basket case? I want to disappear. Why don't you just apologize and help me? Would it kill you to apologize? Are all T's this cruel?

((Michelle))

I don't see any future in a T who has betrayed you.
I think you should consider moving on.

Dear T,
I wish I'd taken up the offer of a hug from you. And not been too scared of the emotions it might bring up, and the tears that may flow, or being scared of having to let go.
You offered it to me because you could see how much I needed it. And I was too scared.

Thanks CantExplain but I cannot move on without an apology and explanation. I need to know why they did this to me? Every day all I can think of is WHY? How could he do this to me? Every morning and every night that is what I face.

Dear T,

All I want to know is whether you're attracted to me or not. It's not like I'm gonna rape you if you say yes, for Christ sake! I just want to KNOW. I don't care if you act on it or not. I am just tired of making assumptions.

Dear T, i kind of think you are awesome
I know that you are right about me having to work harder, and you having to work less. I have to be the one to move forwards, not you.
I am terrified of you abandoning us, but i HAVE to trust you. I hate the power that you have over me, even if you would never betray my trust, or abuse that power.
Gosh, this is hard!
You HAVE to challenge me more, and i think you are starting to do that now. I am glad that i was brave enough to tell you to do that.
HT.

I wish you would show some kind of emotion, anything, once in a while. You confuse me so much sometimes.

Dear T-i contemplated seeing how much ambien i could take last night bc my sleep is so screwed up. Maybe if i took a ton, i would really need help instead of this pseudo-therapy dance we do every week. I didnt do it; though. Nor will i tell you this.

Dear T,

This is my third week of not emailing you! Not even photos! You never brought up anything in the emails anyway, so it's not much different than how it's been since you stopped anwering me. It hurts, but so does everything we're doing lately. I told you in the session that you've hurt me in so many ways, that I finally have to accept what you are to me, and what you're not.

I liked this week's session very much. Thank you for letting me tell you where separation hurts. That was the best question you've asked me in a long time! I need to talk more about those feelings. I realize that SE doesn't mean we don't talk about feelings! We do!

We booked the trip but there wasn't much choice in dates using mileage, so I'm anxious about it. The dates aren't the best, and flying on 3 planes is going to be stressful for me! I'm not going to think about it now.

I'm anxious about __'s surgery, of course. I need to talk to you about that more, too.

I'm feeling good about you and me again, and trusting you that you CAN help me with my problem of not being able to separate from Ts.

Love,
rainbow

It doesn't look like you are ever going to get either of those things. He TOOK things from you -- trust, etc. Maybe it's time to stop GIVING him even more of your time and energy. Every moment you spend obsessing and suffering is a victory for him and this other woman. You moving on and overcoming this and being happy is a victory for you.

Can I get an ....AMEN !!!

Dear T,

Look. I don't know what you could possibly do differently so stop asking me. I'm the problem - NOT you

And I don't want to tell you how I feel about every little thing when I don't even really know! I'm not trying to be difficult or resistant but darn it, T! I'm sorry!! I honestly truly don't fing know half the time. And emotionally numbing sounds pretty good right now. Despite the fact I could tell it probably wasn't where you wanted me to be. It is what it is. I feel like stopping this madness and moving on. I only don't because part of me really really does like you...I think you really care.

I know you have told me 500 times that you are there for me and to reach out to you but I need you to say it 500 more time and even then I am not sure I will believe it.

I am so afraid of how I need you and even more scared of how attached I have become to you that it makes sense to me to push you away before you do it to me. These torn, confused feelings are triggering me. I do not feel worthiness. I don't understand why it feels this way. Please please be experienced enough to see this happening and help me work through it. I am going to implode.

I understand how you feel, but sometimes there is no apology and no explanation. All we can do is grieve and forgive.

Having lots of trouble swallowing that, CantExplain. Also, BIG time problems with forgiving without an apology. Why should I forgive when he couldn't even bring himself to tell me the truth? He didn't even think enough of me as a person to be honest? He actually would send me to a psych ward as a result of my suffering rather than be honest. It's rather telling of the kind of man he really is I suppose.

It's also telling of the kind of person my co-worker is too.

Double sadness.

Thank you Cantexplain for caring. I appreciate that.

Dear T,

Just because my info was not put on video and broadcast on the internet, does not mean it was not hurtful, embarrassing or humiliating of great magnitude. You and SHE can't possibly put yourself in my shoes and see the s[gnificance of what you've done to me. It's easy for you to just write it off but what if YOUR career is on the line. What if her managers knew about what she did? You both expect me to keep quiet? Did you give me the same consideration?

You really upset me saying to "move on". That is what YOU want to do. Forget it ever happened. Well, it did happen and people do remember it and you both HURT ME very much. I cry almost every day (lost track really). To you and her it's insignificant. You tried to trick and fool me for months. She spread gossip about my personal business. Do you think I would tell everyone about her personal affairs? Even if she didn't care about broadcasting her life, I CARE about mine. I've gone to great lengths to keep my life private and you helped her destroy me. Her reasons for hurting me are disturbed for sure, but you? What are your reasons? I'd like to know. I did nothing to deserve this. You both have relatively happy lives, families, love interests. Sure there are problems but when you get down to it, you both have a good life. That's it. I can't go on.

I had a great deal of trouble swallowing it.
It's a lot to swallow. It takes months. And don't rush it. Feel the anger and sadness and betrayal first.

Of course your T does not deserve your forgiveness. That's what forgiveness means. It's something you give to those who don't deserve it.

"You don't make peace with friends. You make peace with enemies."

Dear t,

I'm sorry i cancelled again, i messed up this month. Didn't budget my money correctly and could not afford my therapy. I should have thought about my girls being out of school for the summer...i've spent more money on groceries than usual. I'm learning as i go t, being on my own is hard and i'm not thinking ahead very well.
I wish I could talk to you but i'm scared. I can't call you. I'm just scared.
My h called me today. Asking for forgiveness, he was crying. He sounded sincere. I'm going to see him tomorrow. I don't want to tell you this. I feel like you're going to lose all respect for me. You say you're not here to judge me but i think otherwise. I love him. I don't know what to do. Your answer is always, "what does haier want?" I want my family t, that's what i want. But what are the chances of this getting better? You say it's different for everyone, that it's unfair to compare myself to others....i feel so confused. I'm so weak t. I feel weak. Like a loser for not being able to say no. Everybody tells me to just say no but i can't. Why? I wish you could help me figure out what is wrong with me. I'm scared to talk to you about this. I'm scared to talk to you about a lot of things. Why?
I've been wanting to ask you if being abused affects me. I don't know if it does, i mean there's obvious ways it does but with my relationship with my h...you think it has something to do with the way i'm handling things? How? With my inability to make decisions? How? Why? I have so many questions but i'm so scared to ask you these things.

T,

so i finally finished our appointment. it was hilarious though at the start because you were late, and i could finish 1 manga and be halfway through another manga coz you were THAT late. overall it was a good meeting i guess... to see you happy. i guess that's coz i hid the bad things from you just this once coz i am struggling with trust issues. i'm sorry to have brought a false sense of happiness to you T.

on another note, thank you for not bringing up that call.

- htn

T,

I'm starting to believe I can not be helped, you can not change my life and neither can I change myself. I feel the same things at the times over the same issues. I am stuck and I can not hold onto you as a life rafter any longer. I must let go of you, I must say goodbye and hope I will make it.

I feel like you don't really like me right now.

Dear T,

We had a good session this week, in spite of all the cr@p that's going on for me. Thank you. Of course, only hours after I left, stuff started crashing down on me again big time. I really really want to call you but I will feel like a failure if I do.

Should you have told me that? Are you working on it with someone? Not sure
I like it influencing my therapy.