Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

Had to reschedule today. Wonder, if through the community, you've heard the news? Yes, that was me.

Emotionally, I'll survive, that's what survivors do best. Only took one Xanax, through all this. Not daring the Ambien. Needed the Xanax, to focus and get out of that in shock state. Took my children to be with family for a few days.

I've got a busy day, tomorrow. Wednesday, I'll speak to the same person, I spoke with today, he also works, where I need to report to work, first thing that day. I will make sure, that in two weeks, I get it to stick.

After that, I'll have my appointment, and perhaps an appointment in talk therapy before that, and after I know the results of the temp to perm.

Changes, much about what I've been trying to coordinate, after today, a girls' gotta do, what a girls' gotta do. May take time, maybe not. I'm good at long term goal planning, just not good at micromanaging the details, because little details are usually up to change and then if one focuses on the minuscule details, stress increases. I don't like stress. Macro economics was much easier for me, than Micro economics. Forest through the trees, easier than trees in the forest. I don't get why, but I'll take that ability any day.

A bit sore, naturally. Can't believe how things played out. But wow, getting outside, was safer.

I've never had vocal lessons before. <---seemingly random, eh?

I'm still interested in the Tebow take on the Pats. Did you know, that Bill Belichick had some coaching experience with the Broncos. What an ironic twist.

-Me

That's not true. No way no how. Either your T really isn't right for you, is rigid about boundaries and/or didn't get the email. You are not bad.

I am STILL waiting.

Why are you treating me this way?
Do you think I'm lying just to get your attention? Dude, I might have feelings for you, but I'm not THAT hopeless...

It almost looks like you're afraid of my feelings. Why would a T be afraid about a client's feelings? You know I'd never do anything against your will(lol, that makes me sound like a rapist).

What's the problem? Why have you changed...?

Dear T,

I almost got the shock of my life when I walked in today and saw you had new coffee cups. Thank you for saying something straight away, for telling me not to worry, you replaced them because you didn't like them, it was nothing to do with me. Thank you for pointing out that the new cups are identical so you won't know which one I've drunk out of. I laughed at the hilariously bad timing of it. Thank you for understanding that it wasn't really funny.

Today I told you how, if you're in a car crash and you've walked away from it, you still know you were in a car crash even if you can't remember the moment of impact. I told you there comes a point where you have to stop denying you've been in a car crash, because you can see the damage. I told you about the body memories, and the flashback I wrote off as mere fantasy, where the room turned into another room.

You said: "What you're talking about is one of the most destructive things someone can do to another human being." You didn't seem surprised by any of it. You already knew. I've been telling this story, and it's been telling me, since the moment I walked in. I've searched and searched for proof while insisting it never happened.

When I think of the harm that has been done to me and the things I have lost, I feel like I could go mad. But maybe now all that's left to do is heal.

TR

Dear T,

Why do I leave every session feeling like things will never be ok?

I don't really understand the fact that you seem to think it's so easy to change one's way of thinking. You tell me my life is completely filled with avoidance and cognitive distortions and then you tell me to "just think that everything will be ok and that things will work out somehow". You don't know that things will be ok, so thinking that would be like lying to myself. I can't stand uncertainty. I can't deal with it. You tell me that it's impossible for me to control all the things I want to control. You say I control things too much and that I need to stop. How? Why? What if controlling things is good? Controlling things means I don't have to deal with chaos. You know that I'm terrified of chaos, even though you don't really know how I define it.

It's like we're going round in circles. You keep repeating yourself. You keep telling me the same things. I know how CBT works because you've told me at least once every session. I know that I need to face my fears and I know that I need to expose myself to the things which make me anxious. I know what the "anxiety curve" looks like. I know the logic behind this kind of therapy. I know. It's not that easy though.

I also know it seems like I might not want to be in therapy but I wish you'd understand how badly I want it. I actually wish I could be in therapy more than just once a week. Once a week is not enough. Too bad you don't really see patients more than once a week unless they're about to do a huge exposure and need some extra support.

Sometimes I wish you could just look at me and understand everything that's going on in my mind immediately.

Okay T, I take it all back. I'm a pro at misunderstandings.
Thanks for caring. See you tomorrow...

Dear T,

Thank you.

I don't know how to feel about seeing you tomorrow after so long. I kind of hoped/expected you would perhaps check in with me during your time away, as you have done previously. Just one message would have made me feel better and reassured me that you did think of me, you did care and we were connected. But now I feel nervous for tomorrow, unsure of what to expect... will you seem happy to see me as usual? Are you tired of me, am I not working hard enough, or am I chore for you since we talked about transference issues?

Dear T,

I'm scared about my medical procedure tomorrow; you don't know about it because I've not seen you for 3 weeks.

My reward is seeing you afterwards, please don't let me down.

Dear T,

I am really scared. I don't know why you seem to think I can handle my life and what's going on right now. I can't, T. I think I pull myself together "too well" so you can't see it. I'm not lying, T! I'm truly f'd up

T,
You called me out on my ****. In front of other people. I wanted to shrink into myself and be swallowed by the floor. It hurt like hell. I felt like I couldn't breathe, like I couldn't find any air. I wanted to run away and never come back. I wanted to quit. I wanted to hide. You pushed and I broke. You didn't let it go. You stabbed me with the truth.

The thing is, I need you to keep doing it. I need you to keep pushing.

So... you didn't call.

Dear T2,

Thanks for confirming for me what I thought was said last time was actually what I thought it meant. Even if our conversation literally went like that, lol. And as for Freud, yuck...but what I said is true, so I just need to do some research on him.
Also EMDR, nooo. And DBT group ...yes I was arguing with you since I never got to argue with my ex-T (but I admitted it was not you) because it's not EVER going to happen. So I think that's done with. You can write that in your notes...I am going to start writing notes, too.
I am starting to feel sad when I leave there, which I am pretty much absolutely NOT okay with. We will not be discussing this anytime soon, but even if you were to read this, you should know why. The answer is upstairs...obviously.

I hate myself. Oh wait, you already knew that.

I'm so glad that we met tonight. I felt better after our session. You said that you know that you have to be careful with me...it makes me feel important to you . I know that you care about me...I know that you like me. These ruptures lead to a better understanding for both of us...I believe it brings us closer. Thank you for "getting" me.

Healing,
I am in somewhat of a predicament that you are without saying much. It is an odd predicament to be sure. Aren't you terrified? My T called me on NOT ME stuff, there is a part of me that is battling T and I am just now beginning to be able to catch it almost as soon as it comes out of my mouth, but i am still not perfect in this area. Granted some of my parts live in and abide by a fantasy world. That part, during that day, was doing something to T, and was setting me up for absolute humiliation, as in i can't even think about thinking about it. I am in a state of unheavel, I don't know who to trust. T has done right by me so far with his ways, but the possibly closer it gets, I am so afraid and nobody knows this. I just want to say I AM SO ****ING AFRAID OF SOMETHINGS i DON'T BELIEVE IN. I have people surrounding me but I am alone, and I must go through whatever alone.

I am in a conundrum. I can tell T to keep pushing and not to reassure me at all, but that would be me hating myself and thinking I deserve it. This is horrific, truly. I wish I could cry forever, because even then, I wouldn't get it all out. I don't want to say, Please keep hurting me, understand? Yes? I feel like I am betraying me by not standing up for myself. And I feel helpless to do anything about it. Any help you or anyone can offer would be greatly appreciated. I am purposefully leaving a lot out, so i doubt it makes any sense. Can a part be exiled and not the rest? or Can a part be killed and then a good part have to die also? I am not making sense, I just have to write this out. Thanks for this post, I know it wasn't about me, but I did relate to it. I hope you are doing better, too. Sending you lots of hugs

Dear T, I don't know if psychoanalysis is for me. It's too Hollywood and I need real solutions to my problems. If you would like to date, call me.

Dear T et. al.,
Somebody please find me, please don't forget I am in here. Please don't keep hurting me. Please stop with all the lie ********. Are you saying I am a lie? That I don't exist? I just want to die. And not exist. i m tired of having a part that is humiliating, and because it is within, there's not much I can do without it. I am starting to not say things so I won't be seen as a lie. Why am i built upon lies and truths? Does it have to do with harboring secrets? I have told you my truths, and yet you continue to questions me. I don't get why parts would wear disguises? The real Slim Shady refuses to stand up. However, I am not an imitator. I will never be able to talk to you about this because u will change the subject. I want to be free. I want new body waiting for me. . .I no longer want to be me. If this post doesn't make sense, I am psychotic folks. welcome to my world.

Dear pdoc,

Why did you choose psychiatry? Why did you really choose this field?

Infuriated with you now.

htn

Illegal Toilet,
I hope you don't mind if I LOL. There's nothing wrong with saying how you feel.

Dear T, I feel like I'm going crazy again. I can't stop the thoughts. I can't stop the fear of people again. I know my next session in in two weeks and I should just try to hold it all together but I can't. I know things were going so well and I thought I was improving, then I was thinking about what happened again and I realised I'm not ready to deal with it. The anxiety is coming back, the hypervigilance is coming back... I don't want to go back there again, you said I was going to be ok. I feel so tired of having to fight this and I can't handle the emotions right now. I really want to talk to someone right now but I can't. I wish I could tell you how much I'm hurting and struggling right now. I put up a brave front in front of you, but I'm really falling apart now. Things were going so well, why is it all coming back again? And I thought I could cope much better this time.... I really need help and you aren't here.

Dear t,
I wish you could've been my mom.

Dear T,

Thank you for not invalidating my past (although i still haven't told you every thing). I know i have trust issues but Thank you for reminding me to trust you every single session. Thank you for listening to me. I know i'm not the easiest client; thank you for everything.

Dear T-

You were actually tolerable today. This may not sound like a compliment, but it is coming from me. You really tried to help me w. the cymbalta/Pristiq situation and also prepare me for neuro appt. It figures you do not have anything open next week.

I don't know why I don't let my guard down and tell you this more but you are seriously the most supportive person I have ever met. You are so decent that I go around in my head whether people can be just that good and kind, with out it being manipulative. I'm sorry that the entirety of my life makes it so hard to trust, but I think I am learning little by little that you are speaking from a place of honesty.