Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

I ripped those words of my drawing, pls don't ask me what they were.

(Thanks Bipolarartist for starting a new thread )

Dear T.
I honestly thought i had blown it earlier this week. But you just totally blew me out of the water with your love, respect and compassion for me. I don't even know how to express my gratitude.
You gave me the explanation and apology that i was hoping for, and admitted that you ARE human and do sometimes make mistakes. You know what? That's OK. I like the imperfect T, even though it can be scary.
I still feel a little scared, a little apprehensive and a little wary but i reckon we can use this rupture to build a stronger relationship.
HT.

yay thanks bipolarartist!!

dear T,

should you call me tmr... please please dont scare me out of my wits.

- htn

I'm really pleased to read this

Aha! Just what I always suspected. T is one of our new alien overlords, and they are slowly taking over through mind control techniques!

(Apologies for I know what was just a typo, but seriously, I couldn't help it )

Thanks Tiny, i was pretty darn pleased to be writing it too

hehehe, well i have suspected it for a while!

T,
you just had to make those points about your indifference to what I'm saying, didn't you. I'm glad you did not pick up on how much it hurt me. I will see you in two months' time, and then I will have rebuilt my walls.

I wish I could just sit on PC and drink tea for the rest of my life.

That sounds like what i do

I'm scared.

Instead of running from you I feel myself running to you.

Dear T,

When you told me that you can be irritating and encouraged me to tell you how I experience therapy with you...how if I ever get frustrated or irritated with you it would be helpful for both of us for me to let you know, I winced - literally. You are NOT irritating to me I'm sad you said that because I'm afraid you feel my anger and internalize it or something....I AM angry that I can't get to know you outside of T. I AM VERY irritated with the whole T process.

But it's never really with you.

I like you, T. I'm sorry if you don't know that cause I don't tell you so

I've been thinking about you less, exT, though there's still not a day that goes by that you don't cross my mind in some form. I still miss you, and don't entirely know how to make sense of everything that happened. I've talked with a couple of people now, and the unanimous conclusion is that you have your own s hit that interfered with being able to respond to me therapeutically. One person told me that it's kind of the point for me as a client to enact past dynamics with you, and that it's really up to you to help me make sense of all of that. I had felt that you so weren't getting it, and that on top of it, you weren't asking me for clarification or helping me to try to better understand what was going on.

I still feel like you failed me. But oddly enough, I've been feeling pretty good recently. CurrentT is really helping me to get my head back on straight. I've been stressed at work, but that seems normal.

Dear t,

I feel irritated by the fact that i need your therapy.
Angry that i need help.
Angry at the whole world actually.
Angry that i'm stuck here.

Dear T2,
I'm sorry I'm still stuck in my relationship with T1. It's just how it is right now. You are smart and kind and I greatly appreciate your patience and help. One of these days soon, I'll let you in, and we can do some work together. Until then, thanks for being there.

Dear T,
I am really missing you today. I know you said that i can text you if i need to (which is really nice, especially when i said maybe we should stop), but i know i dont NEED to text you.
So, i'll write about it in my journal instead.

It's funny how it's (the missing you, i mean) always worse a few days after seeing you. After those few days, it calms down a bit, but those initial few days are a killer.
Oh, and thanks for that amazing text message yesterday
HT.

T,

to be honest i really want to hate you. i want to shout at you for everything, ranging from that day i was admitted to present. you know how hard it was to make a call to your secretary? and it was all for NOTHING? you came back from leave and NOTHING? i know you're busy T. i want to be the polite girl who goes "oh i should show consideration because you're busy.." but sometimes that excuse doesn't work...

T, i thought you were a good match for me. really, i thought you were. but why is it that everytime i go into therapy i feel this sense of fear that is so familiar? why is it that i always don't feel human infront of you? that i'm belittled?

if you bring up this call the next time we meet I think my legs will move towards the door. thanks so much T.

- htn

Dear T,

Since we got committed again last friday, you asked some basic questions in a not very kind way and we decided to quit taking meds am glad to say we finally got over you.

Dear T,

Did you ever wonder why, of all the therapists in town, my co-worker decided to see you? This is what I came up with:

1) You were a direct source to all my personal information which made for great gossip at the water cooler. And,

2) She could give her ego a boost and prove she was better and more attractive than me by winning your affections and convincing you that I was the ugly one. [I'm sorry to say though, that I don't think she actually wants you (romantically), she just wanted to prove she could get you.]

Tell her congratulations on both counts! She wins the prize. In doing so, however, you have both destroyed me in the process. Destroyed my ability to trust anyone. Funny what some people get off on isn't it?

Thank-you for making this as easy of a transition as possible for me.

T,

I'm sorry for being such a failure as a client.

((MUE))

In therapy, if you haven't given up, you haven't failed.
And even deciding to quit is a success if you quit for the right reason.

Thanks, CE. I haven't given up. T and I are talking about our last rupture...Well, actually, T is doing most of the talking. Some of the things that he's said give me the sense that he is still suggesting giving up.

I'm scared to ask him if he doesn't want to work with me anymore. If he really doesn't WANT to, then I really wouldn't want to be somewhere where I'm not wanted.

dear T,
I want a large % of the next hour to be spent talking about the therapeutic relationship. But for safety, I want YOU to be doing the talking.
What do you think will be my chances for success ?
SAWE

PS you told me you don't read PC, but I don't believe it. Guess we'll see.

I have found that Ts are very reluctant to say if you should carry on or not. It's supposed to be the patient's decision.