Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

We aren't doing 'therapy' anymore.

Both of us are talking about our lives and you share your judgements with me. You are doing massages as part of your 'body psychotherapy' bit of the session. Even though you touch me, it feels hollow, like a doctor. I know you go into your own world.

I miss psychotherapy with you, I miss you validating my fears. I'm so scared of my hospital procedure tomorrow, I wish you would call me afterwards, but then I tell my inner child to grow up!

Were you trying to knock yourself off the pedestal I've created for you today? If so, maybe it's working...I've come away feeling as if you've chipped away at my self esteem. I told you I was feeling lonely. I guess I hoped that seeing you would provide a little comfort.

Dear T,

I wonder if you can help me to get out of this maze I've created in my mind (?) Its rather elaborate, eh? Are you tired of it?? cause I am. I can tell you're sick of it sometimes and you might wonder how - it's because I've been so hard wired to worry about *everyone* else I come into contact with that my intuition is almost always correct. It's a curse T - because I shouldn't have to do that and I wish someone would see inside of me for once and help me out of this. Maybe you could......but I sense you don't really want to

Let's see if I have this straight. You accused him of betraying your confidentiality and he said it was no big deal?

I need to tell you to HURRY UP AND REPLY TO ME! My life moves fast and I'm desperate to hear from you. I care what you think, I want you on this journey with me NOW. I've been fairly patient, now get back to me! I worry you're testing my resolve and independence this way. You probably aren't, that does not seem to be your style, but waiting so long when I am so anxious to hear from you is hard.

Dear T,

I hate you.

T,

You figured me out way too quick. Blackmailing me into eating normal again with the thing you know will work. It annoys me. Even though I know it's good. You are a good T. I just feel like a toddler wanting to throw a temper tantrum. But I'll get over myself.

Why can't I seem to articulate anything?

Dear T,

You heard me, I think you really heard me. Coming out with all of that was SO HARD for me and you took it all in with no negativity, no denial, no punishment.
I know it's said that this should be a corrective experience for the client; I hope it is for me too, but I guess we'll see. Right now I feel a lot like "whew" (relieved you did not show me the door) and am not connecting your serene and accepting reaction with any possibility of finding the same IRL. For now that's going to have to be OK.

Thank you, T.

Hey Granite - hope it went well for you today.

I am so desperately sorry if I hurt people. I cannot live with it. I can't live with myself.

Oh and I weigh 1.6 more pounds than I did this morning and I want to slash and burn the fat off. I am a horrible monster.

((Roseleigh))

Try exercise instead.

What makes a monster? Not weight alone, I think.

This is how I feel, Freewilled, but I sense that T does want to see inside of me to see how I work. I hope he is able to figure me out, because I am having such difficulty!
to you!

Hey T,

Thinking of you today. If I have your schedule right, you are somewhere in Florida basking in the sun. You two have a blast; you deserve some down time.

Haven't seen you in over a month and it will probably be September before I can get in, but that's really okay. You know life has been incredibily stressful, but I've been handling it about as well as can be expected.

Have fun!

T,

I will probably tell you. Because I'm like a damn open book. But still. I'm so pissed off at you. I know it's misdirected anger. I know it's silly. But I feel like you are making me do something that I don't want to. I know I have to. But a big part of me doesn't want to. And it's causing me to be a moody pouty child today. Like, really wanna be mad at some one. At you. Crazy crazy.

I want to tell you everything and I want you to help, but I cant because I know you'll judge me. If I tell you my thoughts then I wont be able to look at you again without feeling small, because I can't get over the shame of needing you.

Dear T,
I am so thankful that a few years ago when deciding to come into therapy I thought this is the time to tell the truth and trust somebody. That you would not judge me and would not think I'm crazy, that this is the work that you have chosen to do and you do it well. Thank you for always having my back and going to bat for me

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Dear T,

I don't know how to do this anymore. I am not ok. I wish you could hear me.

T,

i think you would have realised my happy mask by now. i hope you had.. especially when i came in all "happy" the other day and you made me do the DASS 21 test... and i scored high on the depression scale. sorry T.. i think i'm manipulating you or something. i still can't fully bring myself to trust you...

- htn

Thank you for saving my life. I am forever grateful for you.

Yup,been there on the trust issue.

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Dear T,

I hope that by my next appointment, I won't be complaining about what the previous manager at my place, had troubles with.

I really don't want that issue, surrounding me, at all. Work related.

-Me

Dear T,

I had a lot to tell you about my symptoms tonight...but I glossed over it.
I had a lot of questions to ask you tonight...but I kept them inside my mind instead.
I had a lot of stuff I could have shown you tonight...but I kept it hidden deep inside.

You saw it all and you stayed present with me anyway.
You sensed my concerns and you answered with your gentle, yet competent, presence.
You respected where I'm at with all of this and you helped me with what I could handle showing you.

Thank you.

I don't want to see you tomorrow. At all.