Couch 54, Where Are You?

stopdog · Jun 23, 2013, 08:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I guess I am of the mindset that people need other people that we were designed to be in relationship. But I think of your statement in a different light....
What if its not h that is the issue...that u would have these same issues no matter who you were in relationship wit... What if its you... Well if that is the case that's a great big positive! Because if the issues are yours than you have the power to change them.... The ball is in your court...

What standards are you using to determine what it means to be capable of being in a relationship? What would that look like for you? Are you basing it off of other peoples standards? Perhaps your standards are unrealistic?

Do you think that relationship necessarily involves two people or nuclear family or is it broader than that? I am not certain I think the idea of lifelong monogamy with the person you chose at 22 or whenever is always the best plan for a satisfying life for either of you. If it works for you, then great, but if not, it is not a moral or social failing as far as I can see. I much more like the idea that there are lots of different types of relationships and groupings that are explorable and can lead to more satisfaction and growth than the til death do us part idea based at least in part upon keeping property and progeny in line.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Here's my thought about the blocking thing: we all have issues. I can push people's buttons in certain cases and have been blocked. I get that and try not to have hard feelings about it.

I know that others sometimes see me as harsh when I refuse to engage in what I see as coddling of unhealthy behavior. Others have a perfect right to engage in whatever behaviors they want (as long as no one else's health or safety is involved), but when the person puts it out there on a public forum and seeks other people's opinions, I am not going to pretend like those are acceptable behaviors. If asked specifically to point out someone's pattern of behavior to them, I will do so. I feel that it is more supportive and helpful in the long run to answer honestly when people ask for opinions or suggestions. If the person then has a tizzy about it or I am then criticized for being unsupportive then I will sometimes block that person (especially if they react badly after SPECIFICALLY ASKING for someone to point out the pattern). I will sometimes block people who trigger certain issues for me. I have blocked people who just seem to be trolls on the site. I do not think anyone who has posted about their fears of being blocked are those types of people.

I appreciate directness sometimes it's hard to take, but if I ask for an opinion I'd prefer to to be told the truth rather than something I want to hear. If its something I don't particularly want to hear, like your post earlier I will try to process it before I respond.

On a side note the cursor was going crazy all over the screen but the mouse was well away from me. I thought it was a poltergeist or something, its just the sleeve of jumper on the touch pad. I'm such an jumpy idiot sometimes

stopdog · Jun 23, 2013, 08:08 PM

Some debates make me think of this from the Simpson's:

And this is why I am not often asked to babysit.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:08 PM

No I just mean I think humans are made to live in relationships...in community...however that works for the person... But I don't think it's healthy to always be alone... Convincing yourself you are not capable of relationships and taking action based on that doesn't seem healthy...

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:10 PM

I think that is the problem (rts).. I wonder if it is just the inherit trait in me, I am not a relationship person and is that something that needs to be worked out? Maybe I am just not letting myself be the kind of person my h needs/wants. Maybe, it is the perception I put on myself and to the kind of Christian wife I am supposed to be for my h and I am not fulfilling that role very well. I don't know.. Just frustrated. I know lonely I hate that feeling and I hate even more that my H feels that way. And it sucks, that I don't feel compelled to fill in that loneliness that he feels with my companionship.

stopdog · Jun 23, 2013, 08:13 PM

Healed - have you seen this blog on psych today?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...u-single-heart

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:15 PM

Speaking of untraditional family dynamics.. My RA's roommate in college has had a difficult past, and has not had a lot of successful relationship as a result of that. Anyways, I saw a couple of weeks ago that she is pregnant and thought how nice for her, and then thought, hmm she just got divorced I wonder whose baby it is? LOL, just b/c I am nosey! Anyways.. she posted maternity picture last night it was a link from the photographers FB page with a little comment about how this is a plolyamerous couple.. One guy, two girls.. both are pregnant due within 8 weeks of each other. That totally answered my question.. I am happy for her, that she is happy.. but I have to admit a little thrown off! There are all kinds of groupings in the world and what I struggle with is my religious background.. I have been told what is wrong and right, I don't judge, but I wish I could just decide what I thought about all of these types issues!!

granite1 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by critterlady

I don't think either of you were mean. Blunt and direct, perhaps, but not mean. I think that kind of message, while not always welcome in the moment of denial, sticks around in the back of someone's mind. Maybe it will sink in to the poster at some point because of that directness.

If it were a DV situation with just a spouse, I think it would be different. But taking the risk for yourself is a far cry from taking it for children.

I wish more people spoke up on behalf of the innocents. I wish someone had for us.

i guess this is what i am responding to.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:19 PM

Healed, to each his own .....

You can be happy for her and not agree. I am so sorry you are having these issues. I want you to be happy and I really hope you figure out what will make you that way. I'll always be here for ya!

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stopdog

Healed - have you seen this blog on psych today?
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...u-single-heart

I have not seen this before, thanks for sharing.. I will take some time to look around, I read the latest blog post, and found it very intriguing!!

Jun 23, 2013, 08:22 PM

Healed... I've never been in MC before but do you guys talk about what each of you thought a wife would be like or a husband would be like? My xT and I talked about it and I realized I had come up with these ideas in my head of what I thought a wife and a husband should be based on what I didn't see or did see in my parents, so 1950s sitcom stuff I saw on TV... idealistic thoughts ...

but maybe those issues don't apply to you

stopdog · Jun 23, 2013, 08:22 PM

I think it just causes people who might need and want support to go away and then none of the people involved have gotten help that they might have, including the children. I would wonder if someone may have been more able to hear or absorb what others were trying to say or convince them of had there been a gentler or more understanding approach. I don't see gentle in this manner as coddling.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:30 PM

Do you think if we had all met in person we would get a long as well as we do online? It would make for an interesting study in human dynamics to see if we would have even talked to each other if we had met in person.....

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Healed... I've never been in MC before but do you guys talk about what each of you thought a wife would be like or a husband would be like? My xT and I talked about it and I realized I had come up with these ideas in my head of what I thought a wife and a husband should be based on what I didn't see or did see in my parents, so 1950s sitcom stuff I saw on TV... idealistic thoughts ...

but maybe those issues don't apply to you

Yep, we have talked about these things. It seems, some of my perception are right on, others are no where what he believes, and some of them are things that we hear at church he nor I really agree with. It is an ongoing conversation between the two of us really.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:32 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Do you think if we had all met in person we would get a long as well as we do online?

I would think so as I am very real about who I am and I would like to think I know some people on here very well.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:33 PM

I think there are certain biases that people have that are sort of eliminated with only being virtual...

its probably not worth talking about... just my own weird thinking.

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:34 PM

I think so, rts..

I am apart of a much smaller message board comprised of moms. In general we all have kids around the same age and are from all parts of the world. When we find out that we have groups of people close to each other try to get together for a night out. I have gotten together with a group of about 4 ladies from my message board that we had a really great relationship online with, and it was true that we carried that out when we met irl as well! It is really cool!

granite1 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Do you think if we had all met in person we would get a long as well as we do online? It would make for an interesting study in human dynamics to see if we would have even talked to each other if we had met in person.....

i don't know as i am a lot quieter in person.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I think there are certain biases that people have that are sort of eliminated with only being virtual...

its probably not worth talking about... just my own weird thinking.

I get that RS... I would like to think that we are all very non judgemental people and I can only speak for me.... but those things IRL life dont matter to me anyway.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:42 PM

What I meant was if we had never been on this forum and had met each other in person first would we have even talked to each other...

there are visual biases that people have that are eliminated when we are online...

critterlady · Jun 23, 2013, 08:42 PM

I've been on another discussion forum for years. I've met at least 100 of the posters there and all but a handful are very much like they are online. I've liked the vast majority of the people I've met from there. In fact, one of them is my closest friend in the world now.

There are a ton of people I've met online that I consider friends, many of whom I've never actually met in person.

Jun 23, 2013, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

I get that RS... I would like to think that we are all very non judgemental people and I can only speak for me.... but those things IRL life dont matter to me anyway.

Maybe its just me being sensitive but I've heard some people say things on here enough to know that there are certain type of people that they do not like.... and would most likely would not choose to get to know if they saw them first...

I'm not saying that I'm above that type of thought...

I've learned so much about people on this forum... I have been exposed to all different types of people on here that I am not exposed to in my RL and it has helped me learn about people and it has changed my opinions and made me see some of my own biases... Its been a great 2 years...

Jun 23, 2013, 08:49 PM

I will say things gently at first. Sometimes I will even send a very gentle private message. Several others said it very gently and were met with nothing but excuses and an ever-changing story, in one case, and nothing but point blank denial in another case. No one changes their behavior if others keep telling them their behavior is understandable and acceptable. Sometimes it is a reality check that the person needs. Someone to say, THIS happened to me and THIS is how I felt or thought or how I was damaged as a result. Someone to point out that children are intensely vulnerable and it does not take much to physically harm them or kill them. It only takes one time of the abuser snapping and striking the child. One time of a child getting between them trying to protect the mother and abuser lashing out at the child. Children are hurt and die every day from abuse. FIVE CHILDREN A DAY, STOPDOG. National Child Abuse Statistics | Childhelp

healed84 · Jun 23, 2013, 08:52 PM

RTS- I think that if we all got together in a big room, we would all naturally gravitate to the people with whom we get along with on the board. It make sense that not all of us would get along, that is the world, different personalities and such!

stopdog · Jun 23, 2013, 08:54 PM

MKAC - I understand we don't agree.

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