[growlithing]

I feel like I should start this by saying my T never touches me without asking so it's not like she is just randomly touching me. She has asked to hug me twice. I said yes both times but both times it felt really weird.

I find that I have problems with physical touch just in general and I don't understand why. Like, I hate buses because I hate sharing a bench with other people. Maybe the bench is too small and our legs touch or they'll be reaching for something and they bump me or just having someone next to me and feeling their general body heat.

It drives me insane to have people touch me unless I'm super SUPER close to them and in the perfect mood and even then, I don't usually appreciate more than a pat on the back or a hug that I initiate. I don't understand why this is. I don't find it triggering. I actually like the idea of thinking about hugging someone or being cuddly. If I don't have any physical contact, I get really lonely. It's even weirder to me that I have this problem with my T. I feel close to her, but I just feel uncomfortable being touched or hugged by basically anyone.

Do any of you struggle with this? Does this stem from physical abuse or not receiving any physical affection as a kid or am I just weird?

[lemon80s]

I have the exact same thing. I get so annoyed when people on the bus sit so wide (especially men do that!) and I make myself as small as possible so they don't touch me. It took me years to allow my friends to kiss/hug me for greeting. I would be the only idiot doing some akward handwave when saying bye. LOL.

Anyhow, I think for me it's because I never learned it and what it's about (affection mostly). I was neglected and abused (not so much physically though). I just feel like my space is invaded when people do it. I hope to someday learn it. I can't imagine T hugging me. If she'd ask I would probably say no. Hehe.

Anyhow, I'm sorry you have a hard time with this. Sounds like a perfect therapy subject and something to work on

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Do any of you struggle with this?

Yes. It's sort of a paradoxical situation. I don't want to be touched but I do want to be touched.

I'm not okay with adults touching me for the most part. I'm much more flexible with kids though. I do have a limit with children though, where if they are sitting next to me/on me, I eventually have to push them away.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Yes. It's sort of a paradoxical situation. I don't want to be touched but I do want to be touched.

I'm not okay with adults touching me for the most part. I'm much more flexible with kids though. I do have a limit with children though, where if they are sitting next to me/on me, I eventually have to push them away.

I hate HATE it when children touch me though. They usually kind of gross me out. But I don't push them away because I know they don't know any better and I don't want to confuse/upset them. I dunno why children bother me. I guess they just move fast and are unpredictable but at the same time, I can be the same way with my ADHD.

I don't know if it bothers me as much as when adults touch me though. I had an experience where I was at a concert and this guy touched me in between my shoulder blades and I had to leave. It was an open orchestra rehearsal and didn't pay anything to be there so it wasn't like I was walking away from anything extremely important to me.

[Perna]

I don't think it is necessarily from abuse as much as from lack of experience and the attitudes about touch you learned from adults as you were growing up. Too, in my case I think, it also had to do with my stepmother's controlling behavior and my efforts to adjust the distance between us so I did not feel subsumed by her. My fear was greater than my abilities to know and maintain my own self/boundaries yet so I kept myself apart just to be safe.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think it is necessarily from abuse as much as from lack of experience and the attitudes about touch you learned from adults as you were growing up. Too, in my case I think, it also had to do with my stepmother's controlling behavior and my efforts to adjust the distance between us so I did not feel subsumed by her. My fear was greater than my abilities to know and maintain my own self/boundaries yet so I kept myself apart just to be safe.

That's an interesting take on it. My mom is very controlling and I know I struggled with wanting to be very separate from her for most of my entire life. Maybe I'm just not wanting to blur boundaries.

[growlithing]

Double post sorry

[scorpiosis37]

I have a somewhat similar experience. I never experienced affection growing up, so touch is definitely something I'm hyper-aware of and something I have strong reactions to. For instance, I do NOT like to be touched by people I don't know. Whenever I'm in a crowd and someone brushes me accidentally, it completely grosses me out. If I've just met someone, and they want to hug me goodbye, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. There are also people in my life-- one close friend in particular-- who wants to hug me and be physically close to me and I just find the idea of that repulsive. In these instances, it feels as though the other person has "cooties" and I don't want them to touch me. This is heightened for me if there is something about them physically that just grosses me out.

On the other hand though, there are people in my life I do feel very affectionate towards. For instance, I am very comfortable hugging/touching my best friend, my close girlfriends at work, my sister, and my T. I'm also physically comfortable in romantic relationships; I'm very affectionate with my partners.

I have discussed this topic with my T. I know that my hyper-awareness regarding touch comes from the neglect and lack of affection I suffered as a child. But why am I so grossed out by touch from certain friends, and yet so comfortable with touch from others? I don't know if there's a clear answer why I react so differently with different people. It's not even about closeness, because I'm closer to the friend that "grosses me out" than I am to many of my girlfriends at work who I feel completely comfortable being affectionate with.

I will say, though, that I've become more comfortable with touch over time. There was a period in adolescence when I wouldn't touch or hug ANYONE under any circumstances. Now, there are people I really enjoy being affectionate with. And, with the right people, I can be very affectionate. My T doesn't even seem to understand how uncomfortable I can get if the wrong person touches me, because she sees that I'm comfortable being affectionate with her. I almost wish she could see me recoil from a stranger just so she could compare the different reactions!

[unaluna]

This whole thread is the best explanation for why I hug my t. Because it was always awkward, and now, seven short years later, it's not so awkward. Okay that time I will admit, I'm being a little sarcastic or ironic or something, but just about the short part. I think a lot of people feel that way about the bus tho.

[The_little_didgee]

I also don't like being touched and hugged. Why? My senses are highly acute. My personal space is quite large, because I tend to get grossed out by things that don't bother most people such as handshakes. I also don't need much physical contact.

A psychotherapist once told me I was abused as a child. I never was. Actually, my touch issues have been lifelong and are due to autism spectrum disorder.

Scorpiosis the thing that "grosses you out" about your very good friend must be physical ? does it remind you of someone unsafe in your past?

My sister is "grossed out" by overweight people.... probably due to our mother who was overweight and abusive especially to my sister...

I'm overweight so I'm careful to never touch her or to sit next to her or across from her especially when we are eating....

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by hankster

This whole thread is the best explanation for why I hug my t. Because it was always awkward, and now, seven short years later, it's not so awkward. Okay that time I will admit, I'm being a little sarcastic or ironic or something, but just about the short part. I think a lot of people feel that way about the bus tho.

Has hugging your T made touch with other people easier?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

But why am I so grossed out by touch from certain friends, and yet so comfortable with touch from others?

Why do we prefer one partner's kiss and other dates are "gross"? I don't think it is all just about the physical and the sense of touch. No one likes to shake hands with someone with a clammy handshake and maybe being touched in public by an "oily"-seeming other or someone with "fat lips" or some other "flaw" we see or hear or smell; my god, she's wearing polyester! Get away from me

[Willowleaf]

It was my issues with touch that took me to t in the first place. Unlike some of you I can cope with the incidental touch on the bus etc, but positive touch is a big no no. Only last session I wanted a hug, my t was happy to give me one but part of me was cross with the rest of me for asking so I ended up sitting in a kind of limbo with so much conflict inside. I sat like that for ages until eventually I kind of lost the plot and t just held onto me. One day I will learn to accept hugs as I really crave them but never had any s a child and in my marriage only if he got something out of it. It makes me feel better when I reaped about other people having reactions to touch as it sometimes makes me feel a bit of a freak. I have a job where I can often get physically hurt and I have no problem with this, I just can't accept nourishing positive touch. Maybe one day......

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

Why do we prefer one partner's kiss and other dates are "gross"? I don't think it is all just about the physical and the sense of touch. No one likes to shake hands with someone with a clammy handshake and maybe being touched in public by an "oily"-seeming other or someone with "fat lips" or some other "flaw" we see or hear or smell; my god, she's wearing polyester! Get away from me

But then why would my T bother me? She's always clean and stuff. She's not clammy or oily. Her hugs are sincere I guess. I don't think I'm disgusted at the idea of hugging her.

[Perna]

I think T reminds me too much like the mother I wanted/imagined and didn't get; the one I got and how she treated me didn't jive with my imagined one so I'm afraid the T will turn out like that too. You know how good a food can look but then it doesn't taste good to you?

I think I had to get the ideal and what I got closer together before I could be comfortable with everything/one being like that, that I could be comfortable/uncomfortable and understand myself and it would all be "okay".

[growlycat]

I want touch, hugs but I'm wary of affection because in my family, showing any tenderness was an easy way to get teased--parents, siblings, everyone.
So when someone wants to hug me, I'm wary that someone is looking on and about to give me crap for it.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

I think T reminds me too much like the mother I wanted/imagined and didn't get; the one I got and how she treated me didn't jive with my imagined one so I'm afraid the T will turn out like that too. You know how good a food can look but then it doesn't taste good to you?

I think I had to get the ideal and what I got closer together before I could be comfortable with everything/one being like that, that I could be comfortable/uncomfortable and understand myself and it would all be "okay".

Yeah that's probably it. Thanks.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

I want touch, hugs but I'm wary of affection because in my family, showing any tenderness was an easy way to get teased--parents, siblings, everyone.
So when someone wants to hug me, I'm wary that someone is looking on and about to give me crap for it.

omg my family is the same way. The last time I told my mom that I love her four years ago, she laughed. I don't know if I expect to be mocked for hugging but I definitely can relate to being teased for any expressing emotions

[mandazzle]

I am very weird about touch. For people I am close to I find it okay, but not for everyone. I was abused but I feel like a "fake" because I still crave physical touch from some people. Sometimes I get this overwhelming need for someone to just put their hand on my shoulder or hug me and comfort me. But for some people I know I don't want them to touch me at all. It is confusing.

[scorpiosis37]

Originally Posted by mandazzle

I am very weird about touch. For people I am close to I find it okay, but not for everyone... for some people I know I don't want them to touch me at all. It is confusing.

That's how I feel too-- and it's confusing for me as well. There are no hard and fast rules for who is in my touch bubble and who isn't. And, sometimes, I'll let someone in my touch bubble and then, a few months later, I'll decide that it feels "gross" when they hug me and put them back outside my touch bubble. Why? I don't know.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

That's how I feel too-- and it's confusing for me as well. There are no hard and fast rules for who is in my touch bubble and who isn't. And, sometimes, I'll let someone in my touch bubble and then, a few months later, I'll decide that it feels "gross" when they hug me and put them back outside my touch bubble. Why? I don't know.

The only hard and fast touch rule for me is no men. And that's difficult for me to try and figure out because I am attracted to men and I want physical contact..... but at the same time it makes me feel really weird. Maybe it's because I remember the last time my dad hugged/kissed me. I was six. I don't even remember holding hands with him to cross the street. I don't even know how to begin to fix that.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Has hugging your T made touch with other people easier?

Yes I think so. Now I will automatically go in for a hug and expect to be accepted. I have a better body awareness than before. I used to be very self conscious even going to lunch with girlfriends, too aware that I dont usually do this. Well now im going out even less, but I am less self conscious about it.