Couch 55...And on it goes....

OH>..and get this. The doc wanted me to start taking Xanax for my chest pains. Like that's going to happen. It took me 7 months to get off that crap, and it was hell. No freakin way. I'll just carry a paper bag around to breath into...lol.

i think this is a good deal

I have actually acquired an assortment of Jillian videos. The most recent one is the 30 day Shred. It's rough though; I could run three miles and use the exercise bike on the hardest program for an hour, and Jillian still kicked my ***.

Last night I went to an exercise class at the park and signed up for one of those Herbalife 24Fit classes. It's free and lasts three weeks and you exercise with other people and get nutrition help. Maybe there's one near you, because they are supposed to be national. I did my fitness test and did 42 push-ups (girl ones, but chest all the to the ground) in one minute and 32 situps. I was kind of beating myself on the situp thing because I could have gone much faster and could have done more. I ran a mile in 11:17 (when it used to take me a solid 15 minutes or more).

ETA: Recent in terms of when Jillian created the video and not recent in terms of when I purchased it.

OMG. But I'm doing fine! Aside from the panic attacks and chest pains and nightmares and fear of driving by a grave yard and inability to look at my body in a mirror....
Hmmm...do both boobs have to touch the ground or can just one? Because I don't even have to bend my arms for the one to touch.....

I am WAY out of shape. Chemo kicked my ***. And prednisone is finishing it. I was in great shape last year. Swimming is helping a lot, because I am moving. I can't run for sh it, but I do walk fast when the dogs take me for a walk. I just need an indoor workout, and there are no fitness centers within a half hour of here. I have a membership at a gym 45 min away, not doing me much good. My insurance does pay for a good part of it though.

I wear a bra that squishes them down a full cup size.

Wow. I feel like I was just kicked in the gut.

I rescheduled my session with T to tomorrow afternoon due to work conflicts. Apparently, T didn't see my email that I confirmed the session (10 minutes after he offered it to me, last Tuesday)....and he just emailed me to tell me that the session time is no longer available because he didn't see my email and gave it to someone else. He's now saying we'll meet next week, usual time (Thursday afternoon).

Ouch.

My first thought is - why can't he tell the person he offered the session to today that it was already confirmed for someone else? Why do I have to be the one to give up the session time that he offered to me and I confirmed several days ago?

Wow, I can't believe how hurt I feel right now.

(((MUE)))

I have to run. MKAC...these artificial boobs don't squish. They are rock hard, and weigh about the same as rocks too. Ick.

Catch ya all later.

i think you should send him an e-mail responce saying exactally this and then say you will see him your usual time next week. i think he should know. dont just say ok

Thanks, granite. I will definitely express what I'm feeling because I am hurt and don't want to hold onto that hurt.

On the other hand, I'm judging my reaction as childish and petty which is pretty embarrassing.

i dont think it is at all. you had done what you needed to do. i agree if you had the appointment first .i dont think it is childish at all. i am not saying to demand your appointment time .just to let your T know that it hurt

Thanks, granite. I appreciate your understanding. I'd imagine that people IRL would view it as petty. I guess it's kinda one of those things that people in therapy can really understand.

MKAC...my son would love to be in your son's position. I would definitely think I have the right to my own opinion about politics or issues but I would not feel the need to share those on a public forum as Facebook. I wouldn't feel censored... But that I chose to do that... Same as if my son got a job at a discount store that I do not agree with their purchasing products from sweatshops... I may chose to not shop there but I don't have to post on their Facebook page.

Mue...sorry about your T... Maybe it's a good thing.... With the ac repair and your unemployment issue it will save money.

I told T that I'm really disappointed that there wasn't an option "C" of "since you did confirm the session time, I will reschedule the other client instead of making it your issue".

T's response?

"Yes, I'm very sorry about that. I gave my book to (receptionist) to schedule a list of new people and neglected to tell her to keep the Friday opening. Which day next week do you want to come in?"

I feel like saying F U, T.....

MKAC...it's so nice that you and h are planning some fun things to do together.

Thanks. I guess when I'm thinking more rationally, it might end up being a good thing. At the moment, I am not feeling rational at all.

I'm betting that because the other person is new, he did not want to risk rescheduling them. I remember how precarious of a place I was in when I first started therapy. Getting rescheduled the day before, when I had worked so hard to psyche myself up to go would have been devastating. It is a sign he respects you and your level of emotional health that he rescheduled you rather than the new person. Not sure if it helps to look at it that way.

Thanks, MKAC....I did recognize the idea that cancelling a new client would risk losing that client - his credibility is on the line. I can't seem to see it though as respecting me and my level of emotional health. I see it as him not wanting to lose a new client and knowing I'd just get over it because I'm already attached.

Maybe push-ups are not for you. Try weights.

MUE, is it okay if I share something cool about my T that just happened? Don't want to make you feel worse, so please don't read if it will, okay?



My T called me in reference to my email where I was freaking out because my sister wanted to talk to me about whether memories she thinks she has are real or not. He helped me feel calmer and not like such a weirdo for freaking out in the first place. Also, he had a great, practical suggestion. He suggested I ask her to email or text the questions so that I have time to process and gather my thoughts. He said I have a right not to answer things if I'm not ready and I need to allow myself the space for that. sigh. I feel so much better. My shoulders and chest were so tight and sore from how tense I've been.

Keep your receptionist in the dark, then use her as a scapegoat.

CE, what you said on your other thread about this was exactly what I was recalling. My T says that things rarely occur "by accident". So, I responded to him saying, "Keeping in mind the idea that things rarely occur by accident, I guess I will just see you next week".

At the moment, I really just don't want to see him at all. Considering our last rupture that almost ended with me being terminated, it seems to solidify the idea that it wasn't an "accident" (although could have been subconscious and unintentional) - I really don't want to see T if he really doesn't want to work with me.

Evening couch.

Went to a late lunch with my mom today. So, no I am not hungry for supper yet. Oh well.

The PE department head from school picked up the Wii and DDR game this afternoon. Then I delivered my other games to my step-mom's nephew's house for his kids. He tried to pay me for them, but I wouldn't let him. I would feel awkward taking money for them. His son wasn't home, but his daughter was and she looked so excited to be getting new games and was already going through the box as I was leaving.

Now just to convince myself to part with other things I haven't used in years. The time will come eventually.

More animals were awake when I went to the zoo by myself this morning. I plan to go back tomorrow afternoon after the senior place (as the senior place is only 5 or 6 minutes away from the zoo). I want to be sure I get good use out of my membership.

I went in the petting zoo today and pet some goats and an alpaca.

I guess our cultures are just too different. I don't get the part where a politician's partner doesn't shake their heads, because they do, if they belong to a different political party. Which they very often do.

H just mentioned, casually to somebody else, that he has two more weeks of holiday time left, not one, as I'd thought. I wish I had kept better count of the days - I should actually have known, but I was so sure he'd taken the week when I was at my bookbinding thing off.