[Wren_]

I want to ask him for something ...

and if the answer is yes - it will be good

but if he says no I'll be disappointed and may really upset things

and if I don't ask then I will be left without knowing; and still wanting what it is the favour is about

Sometimes it's just frustrating when something that seems like it should be simple (ie. asking a favour) seems to get all these complicated layers involved

any thoughts welcome

[Miswimmy1]

I think u have to consider whether or not him saying yes would be therapeutically beneficial for u. If so, then he will most likely say yes. If not, then be prepared for a no. It's difficult to judge whether or not what u are asking for is reasonable with the post being so vague but hope that kinda makes sense!

[Wren_]

thanks miswimmy

I was wondering more about how others felt when they have things they want to ask their T's

since it comes up regularly for me (the thoughts, feelings and concern) when asking for things ... the specifics didn't seem that relevant ... more the process of having a favour to ask

[Perna]

I would look to see how much it has to do with therapy; the idea of asking T for a "favour" sounds more personal than therapy-related to me and I'd want to check my imagination/fantasy thinking to see if they had put me up to it or not.

[Wren_]

Perhaps it's in the definition of the word favour as well
I was thinking of therapy related things eg. sending emails; changing session times; adding extra sessions; phone call availability; revisiting old topics and many more possible things that come up related to therapy
maybe ... when you aren't used to people doing things for you; everything someone does and everything you ask of them can feel and seem like a favour

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I want to ask him for something ...

and if the answer is yes - it will be good

but if he says no I'll be disappointed and may really upset things
.......................any thoughts welcome

My thoughts are that you should go ahead and ask your T for the favor. A favor generally is something one asks of another that is above and beyond what is normally expected of someone. Perhaps you want to ask your T to attend a concert where you are playing the piano. It is outside the scope of therapy for him to attend, but then, that is where the "favor" comes in. It can be therapeutic for the client to have their T there to cheer them on, to provide support and maybe even to be proud of them. Perhaps the client needs this kind of support from T to help them feel better about themselves. It's just an example. I don't see the harm in asking T and think you should ask. However, you need to be prepared if T says "no". It will be very disappointing and you will need to still carry on and play at the concert. By the same token, if T says "yes" how wonderful would that be? It's a gamble but I'd say to take the chance. Just be ready to carry out your mission without T if he says no, O.K.? All the best.

[Leah123]

I have asked my therapist for a few favors, they've all been difficult to ask, some harder than others. Some of the favors I've asked for include:

1. A second weekly session (She said she had been thinking the same thing and she said yes, right away!)

2. To have a phone session rather than our regular online chats. (She surprised me by saying yes also.)

3. If I could have a virtual hug. That one scared me so badly to ask for. (She said I could have one any time I asked directly for it.)

So... I've had good luck with her, asking for favors, but she works on LivePerson, which is a different format and she's unusually accomodating. I read your list of questions, and while I could never actually predict your therapist's reply, my sense is that you would get a yes on some of them and a no on some. That made me wonder if writing *all* your questions on one list, and giving your T the list would be the best way to approach this. That way, if T says no to some things, you'll still have the positives to hold on to. Because personally, I would feel very embarrassed and discouraged to ask one favor and get turned down and have that be the end of it. Best of luck to you!

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Leah123

I have asked my therapist for a few favors, they've all been difficult to ask, some harder than others. Some of the favors I've asked for include:

1. A second weekly session (She said she had been thinking the same thing and she said yes, right away!)

2. To have a phone session rather than our regular online chats. (She surprised me by saying yes also.)

3. If I could have a virtual hug. That one scared me so badly to ask for. (She said I could have one any time I asked directly for it.)

I would not see those things as favors - the only one that would even possibly be a favor in my definition could be the hug thing. Everything else is fair negotiation for professional services that the client pays for.

[Leah123]

Well, Stopdog, it's all relative and somewhat subjective. I think what we're talking about here isn't the technical definition of a favor, but the feeling of imposing on someone by asking for what we want or need. And those are feelings I had asking my favors above.

I forgot to mention she has declined some of my requests. One was during a week where we planned daily check ins around a difficult houseguest situation. I asked if we could just use one long email thread for continuity. She declined, saying having to bill such a large sum for one thread would violate the structure that she'd set. Instead we did once daily emails. It was very hard for me to hear the no, but more because I was in a rough spot and feeling like I needed to control everything.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I was thinking of therapy related things eg. sending emails; changing session times; adding extra sessions; phone call availability; revisiting old topics and many more possible things that come up related to therapy

I do not see those are "favours", they are legitimate needs and desires in hiring T. However, again, separating out the needs (change session time, visiting old topics, adding extra sessions) from the desires (sending emails) might be worthwhile so you don't blindside yourself in discussion of them.

If a T cannot meet a legitimate need, you can't very well keep seeing that T, you would want to seek another. But, if T is not able or willing to email/allow email; that is not about your therapy session, for which you are paying T, so kind of outside therapy as many T's see it.

When you can/want to see T is based on your schedule and since you are wholly in charge of that, you have to find a T that can see you when you can seen them. The only in between thing I see is the extra session thing and that could be a good discussion as to why you want to see T more often and if T thinks it might be helpful to you, etc.

[unaluna]

It's how you feel about it that's important. It took me three years to ask for a change in session time, even though I hated my session time, even though I could have chosen any other time because I wasnt working - because I was still in my mother's home mindset - what if the new time is worse? Are you SURE youre gonna like the new time so much that it's worth putting the other person to all this trouble? Cuz once you change, it's forever, they're never going back, no matter what!! Well, with all that pressure, I could barely ask for a glass of water. And it took me a few years to ask for water too. So - explore more the fear behind the ask.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by hankster

And it took me a few years to ask for water too. So - explore more the fear behind the ask.

I never did ask the favour of using the bathroom and it took 7-8 years before I asked to use the phone, had to when my car wouldn't start and I had a Christmas party I had to be at in a couple hours with my drive home usually taking nearly that long.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Perna

I never did ask the favour of using the bathroom

Food poisoning will change your attitude in a hurry! My t actually made an excuse to leave the building - in the middle of winter!

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I was wondering more about how others felt when they have things they want to ask their T's

with my old t, it took me a while to be comfortable asking her for things. I more asked her if I could do things, such as, "can i bring a treat for us to celebrate?" or something of the sort. The only thing I ever asked her for, was to keep the stuffed animal she had given me when I was going through a hard time (this was as we were terminating, and I wasn't sure if I should give it back or not). I am so glad that I got up the nerve to ask, because now I have the stuffed animal as a symbol of our time together.

It definately took me a while to get up the courage and the trust to ask t for things. I guess I would say, think about it, and then just go for it. The worst thing that could happen is that t would say no.

[notz]

If you want to ask, then ask, what's the worst that could happen? Oh, only what your fears will present you with.

Can you release yourself from your expectations and just ask the questions without strings attached? The answers will be they way they're supposed to be -- for now.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I want to ask him for something ...

and if the answer is yes - it will be good

but if he says no I'll be disappointed and may really upset things

and if I don't ask then I will be left without knowing; and still wanting what it is the favour is about

Sometimes it's just frustrating when something that seems like it should be simple (ie. asking a favour) seems to get all these complicated layers involved

any thoughts welcome

[Willowleaf]

I have asked for a note from her I can open when she or I am away. I felt this was a massive favour but she happily complied and now it is almost part of the routine when one of us is away, but I still have to ask.

[SkinnySoul]

I would really like to ask my T a favor; a hug, to be precise.
But I don't think I will, because:
a) he knows about my transference and will probably think it wont be beneficial for me and
b) hearing a "no" from him will be devastating.

What do you guys think? Should I go ahead and ask him?
I don't want a "sexualised" hug, just a safe, paternal one, 'cause I'm gonna miss him during his holidays.

[Willowleaf]

I think I'd ask, but I'd have to be prepared to discuss request. Do you think rather than just asking you can explain your reasons? I wish you luck with the decision. It must be really scary just in case he says no. I'm not great with advice but for me it has always been worth taking a risk with these things. Even if I don't get exactly what I want I know I am starting to go out and ask for things rather than letting life rule me. Hope that makes some sense.

[Leah123]

"What do you guys think? Should I go ahead and ask him?"

Transference is not a negative. It allows us to work through old relationship wounds in a safe, supportive, new, therapeutic relationship. So, I'm not sure if you're referring to erotic transference, and you're afraid he would not trust your motives, which would be sad, but I encourage you to ask for the hug. I hope, worst case scenario, that he's willing to be supportive and comforting in some way, even if he says no to the hug itself. But... it is possible he'll say yes. I hope so! Good luck!

[manymiles]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

Sometimes it's just frustrating when something that seems like it should be simple (ie. asking a favour) seems to get all these complicated layers involved

Even though it's frustrating, I think it could be useful to discuss your thoughts about why a no would be so disappointing and how it would affect your relationship with your T. Also how a yes would affect your relationship with T. Basically as a way to open up that by you doing me this favor it means XYZ because of ABC.

Basically discussing those complicated layers as you say could be very useful. After that I think it would be good to ask the favor. Then perhaps a no wouldn't be as impactful on the relationship. Also perhaps you could somehow get what you need from T on a different level without the condition of T dong that particular favor.

Having said that sometimes we just want a favor from someone for the simple reason of wanting that thing and nothing more.

[purplemystery]

I've had ideas for favors that I've never asked for (though my desire for them isn't extremely strong and I suspect the favor may actually be harmful to me in the long-run). For instance, I've thought about asking T not to look at me, asking one of us to wear sunglasses, or asking T if we could talk with the lights off, which would make me feel more comfortable making eye contact. But mostly, I'd feel very strange for asking those things and T may think they are strange requests. So I've never seriously considered asking, especially because it would probably be such a fuss and make all parties feel awkward. I'm somewhat with you in fearing to ask for anything beyond normal protocol.

My T just recently moved to a new office though, and I really wished I could have a picture of her old office to remember it. I didn't have to ask though, because she suggested I take a picture when I talked about how I would miss the room. Maybe there is a way for you to subtly bring it up? I feared I would seem like a creep to ask for a pic, but she had no problem with it and even left the room to give me privacy. You never know for sure!

[1stepatatime]

Originally Posted by hankster

Food poisoning will change your attitude in a hurry! My t actually made an excuse to leave the building - in the middle of winter!

Omg,poor T.....lololol

[tinyrabbit]

No good T would just say no without discussing it and explaining why. If you ask a favour, I don't think your T will shame you for whatever it is.