Couch 56...Getting Back to our roots

Now we could buy it without a contingency if we really were so inclined. It is tempting but I can't decide if the price balances out the reasons I decided that I didn't want it in the first place. It's just SO cute and SO cheap. Ack. I almost want someone else to buy it so that the decision is taken away from me. I am obviously out of my mind.

Off to the laundromat to dry h and my work clothes... I didn't get bedding done but I did go through all the books in my sons room and have removed a whole file box of books to donate...

My h volunteered to go to laundromat. He also said he would take mail for my son to the regional postoffice because its fun to get mail at camp but I guess since then he changed his mind... But at least if haven't had to do any acting ....I'm sure there was a more positive way to spin it but I'm too tired...

Off I go for errands at 11pm

She is a woman.... im not sure what I think yet, I will see her again next Monday. She basically said she needed me to have a problem so she can see if she can help with a solution. I appear together apparently.... so I am not sure. She is really nice, but apparently I dont appear depressed, or of low self esteem or filled with anxiety. So who the heck knows. ugggg

Good luck!

Hows your house buying going CE?

Thanks for asking!

The laundry floor is rotten, the piles are damp, and the building doesn't match the official plans. Negotiations continue, but I am no longer hopeful.

I'm sorry CE. I know that feeling.

Vampira (no reflection in your mirror) - you and h should undertake some fun project together, like a 3-legged race or something...

A 3-legged egg and spoon race whilst balancing beach balls on your noses.

Couldn't resist the urge to to text my T. So i asked about a payment. I just really need to remind him I'm still here.

I think I need to remind myself I'm still here.

I cant believe im still here. Im back seeing a pdoc I havent seen in 3 years. Did an intake appt with him tonight. Interesting to see that ive made some progress, but still so easy to slip into old bad hyper acting habits. T keeps me on a tight leash.

anybody awake?

I am healed...you doing ok?

Ya, I guess I am ok.. Just processing some things. I slept like crap last night between anxiety over the appointment/fighting with h/and allergies. So, I fell asleep pretty early tonight. Now, I am awake.. and it is quiet and I am thinking. Not generally a good thing.

No more than 2 mins after we got in the car my bff blurts out.. Damn, your T is hot! LOL, nothing like inappropriate comment to lighten the mood. It was neat to have somebody to talk to about a T appointment with, who was actually there.

Sounds like your BFF knew just what u needed...or maybe what she needed...u never mentioned your t is attractive?

Do u think going was helpful or to early to have processed it yet?

I would agree with my bff, my T is attractive. Not Damn he is hot attractive, like apparently he is to my friend, lol.. But, a good looking man none the less. However, he is my T.. in in my mind who has been betrayed by so many men.. I just kind of put him in not a man, not a woman, just T. So, the attractive thing is never really in my mind unless somebody else brings it up!

I do think that it was helpful to go there... But, like I said, I am still processing it all. It was neat to have T there and help me with the feelings that are always associated with that trauma that I was starting to feel. Reminds me that it might have been a scary thing then, might of been a shameful thing then. But I am not in that situation now. Shame doesn't belong to me, the fear is understandable, but that I was safe in that time and place.

My goals from this were to feel more connected with my feelings that go along with the trauma and the hope that it might jog up some memories, more specifically to remember in the first person, not in the third person which are all my memories now are seen! Hopefully, that will happen!

Healed... Did your t give you some ideas on how to deal with these feelings that would be coming up?

Does your H know about the site of your appt?

Healed that seems like a big goal...when you dissociate at the time of trauma to change it in your mind to it as happening to you... I think you were very brave to go back...

I used to tell my t that he was sexless...

Yes, always the same advice, don't isolate myself, and know that although they are intense, these feelings aren't harmful, they are actually good to feel and helpful in the healing process. Of course, I am allowed to e-mail or call him if things get too overwhelming. Which, I am thankful, I am not there, yet!

Yes, H knew. Didn't talk to him about it. Not sure I will.

Im sorry you and h have these issues going on at this really stressful time for you.... I'm sure you could use some support from your h.... But I understand the not talking about it with him...might be to risky... Especially when you r processing your own feeling about it all

What usually helps you to go back to sleep? Reading? A little tv?

Depends on the night.. I think I am so emotionally and physically exhausted that I may try to go to bed right now and think I will fall back asleep. Thanks for letting me debrief a bit, RTS! Goodnight!

I'll be praying you fall right to sleep.

I tried to go for a throw back intro but alas, the couch has been around too long.