[growlithing]

I haven't seen my T since May and I won't see her until Sep. I can't contact her and she has no idea about how I am doing. I'm lying awake in bed thinking about how disappointed she'll be in me when I tell her about my SI and sui thoughts. I'm supposed to be doing better, not nearly attempting sui.

[CantExplain]

((Growlithing))

[FeelTheBurn]

I'm sorry you're not doing well, growlithing. I'm in a similar situation, and I know how hard it is. I'm struggling, too.

The only thing I can offer is that your therapist is trained, and since the break is planned, most likely is familiar with the possible reactions of her clients. I have no doubt she will not be disappointed in you, unless you do something harmful to yourself. Losing that emotional anchor point can be really unsettling, and that's a long time to wait. Hang in there, and try not to pile on by blaming yourself for your pain.

[SkinnySoul]

Your T is not a teacher, it's not like she's gonna give you bad marks for not doing well.
She will probably be worried when she finds out that you're struggling, but that is nowhere near being disappointed.
You should focus on your recovery and not on feeling guilty about "failing" your T.

Hope you feel better soon.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

not nearly attempting sui.

Thinking about suicide is not nearly attempting it! We think all sorts of things every day, that's what thought is. We don't control our thoughts and feelings, only our actions. And we certainly can't control other people's thoughts and feelings; don't be trying to decide what T is going to feel!

Start to take better care of yourself (action). It is not September. One is "supposed" to make one's bed. If you make it August 31st, that counts! No one is perfect and learns new things and does them well from then on out. There are ups and downs in everyone's life.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

I'm sorry you're not doing well, growlithing. I'm in a similar situation, and I know how hard it is. I'm struggling, too.

The only thing I can offer is that your therapist is trained, and since the break is planned, most likely is familiar with the possible reactions of her clients. I have no doubt she will not be disappointed in you, unless you do something harmful to yourself. Losing that emotional anchor point can be really unsettling, and that's a long time to wait. Hang in there, and try not to pile on by blaming yourself for your pain.

My T is extremely inexperienced. I get her for free via my college so I really can't complain. But she is most likely not familiar with that reaction from most of her clients because she just hasn't had many yet. I guess even though she's young, she is still good enough to handle this delicately. I just worry that I'm going to really disappoint her.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

Thinking about suicide is not nearly attempting it! We think all sorts of things every day, that's what thought is. We don't control our thoughts and feelings, only our actions. And we certainly can't control other people's thoughts and feelings; don't be trying to decide what T is going to feel!

Start to take better care of yourself (action). It is not September. One is "supposed" to make one's bed. If you make it August 31st, that counts! No one is perfect and learns new things and does them well from then on out. There are ups and downs in everyone's life.

***trigger warning***

No, I meant nearly attempting it. I was in a situation where I could do it. Everything was all set up and I spent nearly an hour seriously thinking about doing it but I ultimately didn't because I knew that the particular thing I was going to do wouldn't actually kill me and it would be a really pathetic attempt. It could also possibly trigger a much more serious attempt because the first one would make me feel weak. I feel like if I'm going to attempt sui, I might as well commit to it and make it serious. But that's the problem. I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop and sometimes I want to physically go through the motions of killing myself but not die. I wish sui had a trial period so you can kill yourself and come back if you don't like it.

I'm trying to take care of myself. My only effective coping mechanism to get these thoughts to go away is SI and I know that's wrong of me to do. I just don't know what to do. It's the only thing that takes away these thoughts without feeling like it's a distraction from the fact that life isn't worth living. I am so embarrassed for falling apart this badly and I'm terrified that I'll be sent back to the hospital if I tell people what I am doing/thinking about.

[dizgirl2011]

Hi Growlithing,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Having suicidal thoughts can happen for many of people, in fact in life many have thought about it but if it becomes continuous or you feel you are going to act on it please do go and see your Doctor or go to to the ER if you need to, in order to keep safe.

Although your therapist is young and perhaps hasn't had many clients, usually to even get to the stage of seeing clients, there has been a lot of training involved, where handling situations is discussed.
I can understand that you feel like she may be disappointed but it is more likely she will just be concerned for you and sad that things have been hard for you and will want to discuss how you are doing etc. It can be hard for people who see a therapist via a college situation, to then have a long break over the summer months.

Is there anyone you can see in the mean time?

[Perna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

But that's the problem. I don't want to die.

There you go, look at what you learned. You couldn't learn that any other way, really. You did not almost attempt because you don't want to attempt at all, you want the pain to stop but suicide does not offer a way to get what you truly want so you are "stuck" looking for better ways which is what T is all about. You should be proud of yourself, that you figured this all out and can cross off "bothering" about attempting suicide, it's wasted thought/energy.

Look at how much "you" are in control. You are doing what you really want (not dying). You are worried about disappointing T but that is a worry and worries are about future events and we can't know the future. So, another thing to cross off doing as it doesn't help you. What do you think you try next that T would like?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by dizgirl2011

Hi Growlithing,

I'm sorry to hear you are struggling so much. Having suicidal thoughts can happen for many of people, in fact in life many have thought about it but if it becomes continuous or you feel you are going to act on it please do go and see your Doctor or go to to the ER if you need to, in order to keep safe.

Although your therapist is young and perhaps hasn't had many clients, usually to even get to the stage of seeing clients, there has been a lot of training involved, where handling situations is discussed.
I can understand that you feel like she may be disappointed but it is more likely she will just be concerned for you and sad that things have been hard for you and will want to discuss how you are doing etc. It can be hard for people who see a therapist via a college situation, to then have a long break over the summer months.

Is there anyone you can see in the mean time?

No ER. Been there, done that. It was horrible. I'm not doing it again.

I don't want her to be sad or worried about me either though.

No there isn't. My parents are extremely unsupportive of me and the only way I can get help is if they don't know about it. There is no way they wouldn't know about it if I got help now.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

There you go, look at what you learned. You couldn't learn that any other way, really. You did not almost attempt because you don't want to attempt at all, you want the pain to stop but suicide does not offer a way to get what you truly want so you are "stuck" looking for better ways which is what T is all about. You should be proud of yourself, that you figured this all out and can cross off "bothering" about attempting suicide, it's wasted thought/energy.

Look at how much "you" are in control. You are doing what you really want (not dying). You are worried about disappointing T but that is a worry and worries are about future events and we can't know the future. So, another thing to cross off doing as it doesn't help you. What do you think you try next that T would like?

I guess that's true. I'm having trouble of feeling proud of myself for not killing myself because I feel like that's so basic. We don't celebrate people for not wetting the bed after they haven't done it in 10 years.

She'd just want me to do almost anything but what I am doing.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

We don't celebrate people for not wetting the bed after they haven't done it in 10 years.

Where is that rule from? Where is that written?

I had that exact (almost :-) problem. My father married my stepmother when I was 5. The first thing my stepmother taught me was to make my bed. She showed me how, watched as I did it once, told me to do that every morning and went about her way.

That was one of her lines, later, (use extremely sarcastic tone of voice when reading): "You don't get a gold star for making your bed like you're supposed to each day!"

I'll wager you did not get any celebration at all for not wetting the bed? Someone expressed disgust/disdain that it took you so long to quit?

What other people expect of us is not about us or about what we want or find easy/hard to do, etc. Some people get potty training in a day, some it takes months and many M&M's

I wanted a "mother", someone who enjoyed me and being with me and talking to me and sharing with me, etc. I wanted a mother who whistled while she worked, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" sort of mother? I wanted a mother who said, "Good job on making your bed! Do you want to come up and help me with mine?" or, "Oh, my little sleepy head, you having trouble waking up this morning? Want some help making up your bed?" or, "Oh, dear, we're late this morning, don't bother worrying about making your bed, I'll do it for you" (or, "you can get it when you get home from school, while you're changing into your play clothes").

You know what you want and, guess what? You're old enough now to give yourself some of that! If I could only be my surly teen self again and realize that my stepmother was human too and might have enjoyed my persevering in trying to talk to her when she accidentally (because she didn't know any better) shut me down. My T and I spent MONTHS on my stepmother's rather witty (I thought, until my T taught me I thought "wrong" :-) response to my "Hi, Mom, what's for dinner?" where she replied, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!" While true and an obvious expression of frustration/anger that no one is helping her, noticing her, appreciating her, it does kind of negate the opening greeting/conversation gambit of mine? We "missed" opportunities to share the burden with one another, to communicate and enjoy one another. If I'd understood that when I was a naive 20 year old, I could have tried again; "I'm sorry I did not think to show up sooner, what can I do to help you now?"

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I guess that's true. I'm having trouble of feeling proud of myself for not killing myself because I feel like that's so basic. We don't celebrate people for not wetting the bed after they haven't done it in 10 years.

She'd just want me to do almost anything but what I am doing.

Oops. Well not for wetting the bed, but one of the things I congratulate myself for is that I'm still here. So maybe it's basic for some people but not everybody eh?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

Where is that rule from? Where is that written?

I had that exact (almost :-) problem. My father married my stepmother when I was 5. The first thing my stepmother taught me was to make my bed. She showed me how, watched as I did it once, told me to do that every morning and went about her way.

That was one of her lines, later, (use extremely sarcastic tone of voice when reading): "You don't get a gold star for making your bed like you're supposed to each day!"

I'll wager you did not get any celebration at all for not wetting the bed? Someone expressed disgust/disdain that it took you so long to quit?

What other people expect of us is not about us or about what we want or find easy/hard to do, etc. Some people get potty training in a day, some it takes months and many M&M's

I wanted a "mother", someone who enjoyed me and being with me and talking to me and sharing with me, etc. I wanted a mother who whistled while she worked, "A spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down" sort of mother? I wanted a mother who said, "Good job on making your bed! Do you want to come up and help me with mine?" or, "Oh, my little sleepy head, you having trouble waking up this morning? Want some help making up your bed?" or, "Oh, dear, we're late this morning, don't bother worrying about making your bed, I'll do it for you" (or, "you can get it when you get home from school, while you're changing into your play clothes").

You know what you want and, guess what? You're old enough now to give yourself some of that! If I could only be my surly teen self again and realize that my stepmother was human too and might have enjoyed my persevering in trying to talk to her when she accidentally (because she didn't know any better) shut me down. My T and I spent MONTHS on my stepmother's rather witty (I thought, until my T taught me I thought "wrong" :-) response to my "Hi, Mom, what's for dinner?" where she replied, "If you were in here helping, you'd know!" While true and an obvious expression of frustration/anger that no one is helping her, noticing her, appreciating her, it does kind of negate the opening greeting/conversation gambit of mine? We "missed" opportunities to share the burden with one another, to communicate and enjoy one another. If I'd understood that when I was a naive 20 year old, I could have tried again; "I'm sorry I did not think to show up sooner, what can I do to help you now?"

I stopped wetting the bed at a normal age. I just used it as an example.

I remember quite clearly my mom telling me as a kid about her opinions on the mindset behind born again christians and forgiveness. I think she referenced some bible story but I don't really know, I'm not religious at all anymore. But the gist of her idea was that you shouldn't celebrate bad behavior becoming good because it ignores the people that were good all along and encourages them to be bad so they get attention. She then said something about how they couldn't throw me a party or make a big deal about me not getting in trouble at school because that behavior is expected and not deserving of a reward and they didn't want to encourage my sister to be bad like me for attention. If I did get in trouble at school, I could expect "punishment" (I now know it was too severe to be just punishment) and the lack of punishment would be my reward for being good.

That was their mindset my entire life. I didn't get a graduation party or present or anything when I graduated from high school. They didn't take pictures of me at graduation either. Their only comment was that they didn't feel like meeting their minimum expectations warranted any celebration. I guess that is where my mindset is coming from. I feel like staying alive is the absolute bear minimum requirement.

But I'm not going to attempt to fix my relationship with my mother despite still being 20 years old. All she does is hurt me and disappoint me. I don't think that relationship is worth saving. I've always wished I had a different mom.

[Perna]

No, one does not care about fixing one's relationship with someone who doesn't seem able or willing to change but one can change one's own idea of the kind of woman one would like to become? You can become kind and celebratory, even if you were taught not to be.

Children are very much like pets when they're young; if they are hurt/injured they don't have words to tell you so they have to "misbehave". When my last cat got sick, I didn't realize it and one night he jumped on the bed in the middle of the night and peed on us! My husband was furious (thank goodness we had a guest room with our "old" bed in it) but what else could the poor cat do to get my attention?

Yes, my stepmother did the school thing too, commented that my parents "let" me go to 8th grade, they could have taken me out of school at 13 instead (in other words, work and get good grades or it won't be "worth" keeping you in school).

You can't change your mother and her frame of mind but you can celebrate that you are 20 and can now do things your way instead of having to conform to hers. When my stepmother died, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead", not because she was dead but because I was "free" in a sense from her overt controlling behavior. Took another few years of therapy to understand the difference between what she had taught me all those years (she died when I was 51) versus what I want for myself.

[healingme4me]

What about the help/hot-lines?! Can you call one? It's really tough to be in a place in your mind, where life feels hopeless. Making that realization that you don't want to die, is a positive step towards learning how to handle these thoughts. Thing, is you didn't act, and here you are, reaching out to this community for support!! Many of, us, having been there, before.
You aren't alone! Being in a home-base, where you don't feel supported, is a rough place to be in. Just remember, there's people here to chat with, etc.

Originally Posted by growlithing

No ER. Been there, done that. It was horrible. I'm not doing it again.

I don't want her to be sad or worried about me either though.

No there isn't. My parents are extremely unsupportive of me and the only way I can get help is if they don't know about it. There is no way they wouldn't know about it if I got help now.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

No, one does not care about fixing one's relationship with someone who doesn't seem able or willing to change but one can change one's own idea of the kind of woman one would like to become? You can become kind and celebratory, even if you were taught not to be.

Children are very much like pets when they're young; if they are hurt/injured they don't have words to tell you so they have to "misbehave". When my last cat got sick, I didn't realize it and one night he jumped on the bed in the middle of the night and peed on us! My husband was furious (thank goodness we had a guest room with our "old" bed in it) but what else could the poor cat do to get my attention?

Yes, my stepmother did the school thing too, commented that my parents "let" me go to 8th grade, they could have taken me out of school at 13 instead (in other words, work and get good grades or it won't be "worth" keeping you in school).

You can't change your mother and her frame of mind but you can celebrate that you are 20 and can now do things your way instead of having to conform to hers. When my stepmother died, I sang "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead", not because she was dead but because I was "free" in a sense from her overt controlling behavior. Took another few years of therapy to understand the difference between what she had taught me all those years (she died when I was 51) versus what I want for myself.

I'm trying to overcome the way I was raised. I try to be kind, compassionate, understanding, and accepting despite my parents being cold and judgmental. I dunno. It's so much harder to be compassionate and accepting of myself than of others.

That's what scares me. I don't want to wait 26 years to be free. It's not worth the wait to me because even after I lose my entire youth, I will come out on the other side even more damaged and hurt. I don't want to deal with that wait and sometimes it feels like sui is my only escape. I know that isn't true I'm just so lost

[Perna]

But, wouldn't you like to learn to be compassionate, understanding, and accepting of yourself? You are allowed to have that goal/desire, to imagine how good that would feel and how free you would feel to learn that. It wouldn't take 26 years either, because you would start now; I didn't start until I was 46

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

What about the help/hot-lines?! Can you call one? It's really tough to be in a place in your mind, where life feels hopeless. Making that realization that you don't want to die, is a positive step towards learning how to handle these thoughts. Thing, is you didn't act, and here you are, reaching out to this community for support!! Many of, us, having been there, before.
You aren't alone! Being in a home-base, where you don't feel supported, is a rough place to be in. Just remember, there's people here to chat with, etc.

I know that the majority of my problems are surrounding not being at home with my T and my friends that are a better family than my biological. I know that once I make it to sep, things will get better really fast. The problem is that I keep ending up back here. My life is a boomerang and I'm starting to get sick of throwing.

No. I've called a help line before. It wasn't terribly helpful and it was mostly just awkward. I'm also scared of talking about my feelings out loud.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

But, wouldn't you like to learn to be compassionate, understanding, and accepting of yourself? You are allowed to have that goal/desire, to imagine how good that would feel and how free you would feel to learn that. It wouldn't take 26 years either, because you would start now; I didn't start until I was 46

I think I want that. To be honest, I'm kind of scared of being accepting of myself. I don't know what that would feel like. Would I start doing sloppy work if I was less critical of myself? Maybe I'd be more of a careless person. I also don't even know how to become more self accepting. I also just want my mom to leave and never come back tomorrow. I feel like I will never be free until she is gone.

I can't actually kill myself. There are too many people I'd upset that I care about. But the fact that I won't kill myself doesn't change how much I sometimes want to. I really need to be seeing someone right now. Making statements like these are really not okay.

[Perna]

You have to look at both sides of "critical". Saying mean things is critical but I think I want my T to be a critical thinker, to think things through to get at the heart of them? Critical also means "necessary". Being mean is never necessary :-) You cannot be more/less a careless person, there's really no such thing that we do not define? If I think you are careful and you think you are careless, which of us is "right"? Probably neither of us because I don't know you well and you are too negatively critical of yourself

The work you do is the work you want to do. Calling yourself names doesn't help you do that work and, wanting to do that work well for yourself, why would you suddenly become sloppy? Something looks good to you or it doesn't; how well it is done isn't a function of "making" yourself do it well?

Well, your mom can't leave her life and never come back but you can leave her life and not come back if you want! She does not have to go, you are free to. It's your life to live.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Perna

You have to look at both sides of "critical". Saying mean things is critical but I think I want my T to be a critical thinker, to think things through to get at the heart of them? Critical also means "necessary". Being mean is never necessary :-) You cannot be more/less a careless person, there's really no such thing that we do not define? If I think you are careful and you think you are careless, which of us is "right"? Probably neither of us because I don't know you well and you are too negatively critical of yourself

The work you do is the work you want to do. Calling yourself names doesn't help you do that work and, wanting to do that work well for yourself, why would you suddenly become sloppy? Something looks good to you or it doesn't; how well it is done isn't a function of "making" yourself do it well?

Well, your mom can't leave her life and never come back but you can leave her life and not come back if you want! She does not have to go, you are free to. It's your life to live.

I have a very hard time distinguishing between being mean to myself and being critical.

I can't just let myself get away with mistakes. I need to be always critical. I need to always be improving and always diagnosing and fixing problems. I can't just accept the way things are and stop improving. It needs to be perfect, or as absolutely close to perfect as I can get.

I can't wait until I get her out of my life for good.

[FeelTheBurn]

I can't just let myself get away with mistakes. I need to be always critical. I need to always be improving and always diagnosing and fixing problems. I can't just accept the way things are and stop improving. It needs to be perfect, or as absolutely close to perfect as I can get.

That sounds absolutely exhausting. It must be really hard for you. Hang in there!

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn

That sounds absolutely exhausting. It must be really hard for you. Hang in there!

Well, yeah it can be. It can be really frustrating and really overwhelming, but I guess I never don't have anything to work on. It's almost comforting to know that I always have something needing my attention no matter what else happens in my life.

[tinyrabbit]

Growlithing, I'm so sorry you're in so much pain right now. It strikes me that you're caught in a tangle of feelings. Some of them belong to you but some of them don't - and it's not necessarily clear which are which. Is it possible that you feel disappointed in yourself (I am NOT saying you should be, you absolutely shouldn't; it just sounds like you are) and you're assuming or imagining that your T will feel that too?

It sounds like you're putting such a lot of pressure on yourself. This isn't like learning not to wet the bed. Fighting off suicidal feelings is a very, very hard thing to do. Words like "pathetic" don't belong in this thread. You are a person in a lot of pain and you are battling through it. That's hard.

I really think you are underestimating the strength it takes to just keep breathing in and out, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, when you're hurting this much. As for the analogy about how we don't celebrate someone for not wetting the bed when they haven't done it in ten years - hmm. I think a better analogy (and I'm sorry if this is a bit gross) is someone who doesn't wet the bed even though people keep pressing down on their bladder.

I think you've hit on something very important when you say this:

I don't want to die. I just want the pain to stop and sometimes I want to physically go through the motions of killing myself but not die. I wish sui had a trial period so you can kill yourself and come back if you don't like it.

Something that has really, really helped me is to see the pain I'm in - and the suicidal feelings it causes - as something that's gotten inside of me and is hurting me and making me sick and sad. Like rotten fruit that I ate, or a wasp that has crawled into my stomach and keeps stinging me. It's not just me, I'm not consumed by it - it's something that hurts me and, when it hurts, I think about how I want it to go away and stop hurting me.

I really wish you could be a little kinder to yourself. I don't think you expect kindness or compassion from your T, which is why you imagine she would be disappointed. You are fighting so hard, Growlithing. Give yourself some credit.