How does a client's suicide affect their T?

This was a courageous post.

What do you find hateful and shameful about being a woman?

Well, your mom could be reason #1 for the feelings about women.

I hope you feel better soon- I'll sign off soon...just wanted to say
This interview link for example--this comedienne is so self-hating and humble that she can't see her own strengths and power at all. I don't think it is what you would expect. She actually calls herself a POS yet the interview is unlike anything I've heard about mental illness. It is so honest and scary.

Hoping you can get past your initial response because she seems like a kindred spirit to PC people.

It's significantly less courageous when you remember that I drugged myself up again and I always get more talkative. Not nearly as open as I get on ativan good lord. I would have never posted about my attempt if it wasn't for that.

Growlycat is probably completely right. I was told from as long as I can remember that my parents wanted a boy. My dad wanted a boy and they thought I would be one because I was "obnoxious during my ultrasound" to quote my mom.

ADHD normally presents differently in girls and boys... that wasn't the case for me. I was that kid constantly disrupting the teacher, running around the room, unable to sit in her desk, and all of that. My mom told me that the reason people hate me is because I was behaving like a little boy. She said if I were a boy, I would be accepted the way I am, but because I'm not, I had to change.

I don't think I've talked about this on PC, but I was bullied as a kid on top of what was going on at home. I remember kids throwing rocks at me, spreading rumors, calling me names, chasing me around the school in groups daring each other to "touch the monster", and having entire lunch tables get up and walk away when I sat down. I remember being told that if I killed myself, more people would throw parties than cry at my funeral. Another person told me that no one loves me and I couldn't think of anyone to come back to prove them wrong. My mom told me that it was my fault and that I needed to stop talking to people long enough so they can forget how obnoxious I am. I did.
I never managed to shake this feeling that I should have been a boy because I always held on to that belief that she instilled into me when she said "it's a shame you're not a boy. People would like you if only you were a boy".

I remember when I hit puberty and my breasts came in feeling so ashamed and disgusted with them. I still hate them and they do sometimes make me feel disgusting. I've never been able to dress effeminately even though part of me wants to. I feel like a woman inside, I just hate that I do.

Part of me feels like my mom wouldn't have abused me the way she did if I were a boy. She was harder on me because she was trying to recreate herself and there was no way I could ever be her. Maybe the beatings would have been more intense as a boy, but I doubt they would have happened. My mom has never laid a hand on my brother and she makes excuses for boys saying "boys will be boys".

Being a girl makes me feel weak and useless beyond child rearing which is something I really don't want to do. I don't trust myself to ever be a parent, child birth scares me, and I know my self hatred for being a woman would only increase 10 fold if I were pregnant. Maybe I'd adopt one day. I'd rather help a kid that already exists than make another one. Being born was the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Why would I want to do that to someone else?

Plus women are supposed to be dainty and pretty. I'm 6'2 and quite overweight with a lower voice than most other women. I'm terrifying. I can never be dainty or pretty. I fail at being a woman and no man would ever want me because most men want to date someone who looks like a woman and most gay men prefer their partner to have a penis. I'm going to be alone forever.

You asked me earlier what topics might be good to let T know about. I think that would be a useful one to let her know.

I am not ashamed of that I don't think. I don't know. I feel kinda fuzzy and warm but okay and not nauseous. I hope I won'r regret talking about this in the morning.

My dad PA abused me too. I always let him get away with it when I talk about. It here because that memories usually completely **** with me and my flashbacks are usually of what he did to me wirh my mom watching it happen and my mom yelling at me with her face the way it was. My mom's PA was more frequent and more angry and less predictable and it lasted longer so I have more fear of her doing it again. The flashbacks I have when I am awake are of my dad or sometimes my mom yelling. But the intrusive images are usually that. The more complicated ones are not. So now you know and I am not a liar.

But I am okay. Just all fuzzy and hungry.

It has been drummed into you since birth that you would have been wanted if you had been a boy. You would have been much better treated too. No wonder you find it hateful and shameful to be a woman.

I am so sorry that you were so unwanted and mistreated and alone simply because you were a girl. It was unspeakably cruel.

It came up in therapy once that I really like gay porn and my T was really interested in why that might be. I got really offended that she cared but there is her answer. I hate women and I don't like to see them ever.

Yay I need to put my phone away before I say slmetbing eleae that will embarass me tomorrow or tell someone in my real life something way tmi that I didn't want them to know about idk who though or what but I got lots of things I could talk about. I'm practically falling asleep on my screen soc the typos and autocorrect

Okay, good night Growlithing. Sleep well.

I hoot I can sleep. I never can ever. Who cares

I was hoping you might because you are so tired. I hope you can.

I will someday. I get so open and chatty snd not scared when I'm mildly buzzed on prescription medication that I peobablt shouldn't mix with adderall. Matbe I should pregame therapy

That was a funny comment but I don't advise it!

Wait no that would be incredibly stupid

Right.
.

I wonder how that would go down. I've gone to her while withdrawing from adderall and what mm was interesting to day the least. She was concerned, but amused. I am amusing.

I'm just wasting PC's bandwidth at this point. I'm gonna attempt sleep.

Okay. I hope it goes well. Good night.

I don't sleep because I don't want to wake up. I don't want to face tomorrow so I lie awake fighting my eyes to stay awake

I don't even get any peace from my dreams anymore. Yesterday, I dreamt that my parents were screaming at me for something. Last night, I dreamt that I escaped my house and went to school. But the entire world was basically a war zone and I kept seeing people get murdered in disturbing ways. I found this train and I got on the caboose. My T was there and she let me did with her. At first I felt safe, but then she asked me if I was at risk of SI again and I said yes. She got so mad saying "I thought you cut that out!!!" And she then sent me away. I left but then there was this air raid and I turned around and tried to get back to her, but the caboose was destroyed.

This is another reason why I don't sleep.

(((((growlithing)))))

I really need to go home now. I miss waking up in the morning or in the middle of the night from a bad dream and feeling instantly safe the second I remember where I am.

Maybe I'll write my T a letter about how I feel about her instead of giving her a bunch of redundant posts. If I work on it whenever I'm feeling desperate, it will probably be similar to how I felt in real time.

No, writing a letter is crazy overwhelming. It is just so much to put down on paper because the truth is I have much more than just that to talk about with her.

So… crazy things just happened.

My dad drilled a hole in the wall because my brother wanted an Ethernet cord in his room. This sent my mom into one of the biggest rampages I’ve seen since I was in high school. She was yelling and screaming. I was in the basement at the time, but I heard it and got immediately intensely triggered. I started shaking and panicking and having flashbacks. My SI surges and sui urges were through the roof… but then I suddenly remembered that my 12 year old brother was upstairs in the middle of it. I grabbed my phone and turned on the recorder so I’d have evidence if she did anything to me and I ran upstairs to protect my brother.

I found him trying to practice horn. I sat next to him and I could see that he was crying. I asked him what was wrong and he told me “momma is going on a terror rampage and she’s punishing me without me doing anything wrong. I don’t know how to get her to stop without going to my friend’s house and getting a BB gun to make her terrorizing rampage stop”. I told him that violence is not the answer and that she won’t hurt him because I’m there and I won’t let her. I told him I’m a lot bigger and a lot stronger than her and I will keep him safe and call the police if she tries to hurt anyone. My mom comes screaming that he needs to keep practicing. I tell her to back off because it wasn’t his fault that my dad drilled a hole in the wall. She says she knows and then goes into this rant about how she is leaving my dad (in front of my 12 year old brother). Once that ends, she tells my brother to come upstairs and clean his room. I follow him to help him feel safe despite how scared I am. I am still physically shaking.

After things die down a little bit, I get a phone call. It was actually my T. I took the call outside and I almost immediately start crying. She said to take a few deep breaths because I was obviously extremely distressed and to tell her what is going on. So I did tell her about the current situation and I told her that I’m scared and that I really miss her. She said she misses me too and she is proud of me for protecting my brother and believes in my ability to make it another week and a half. I tell her that I don’t know if I can make it. She got the hint and got very scared. I said I don’t think I’m in real danger right now and that the real danger was a few weeks ago. She thanked me for saying that I’m not in immediate danger and that she was happy I was still alive. She had called me because she wanted to reschedule my appointment on the 3rd for a different time that day. She unfortunately didn’t have time to talk me through the entire event. I don’t even really remember what time she moved the appointment to. I think 5:30…? Hopefully she will call to confirm that again. But I guess now she knows a little bit about how badly things are going.

I don’t know how to handle the situation with my brother. My mom hasn’t physically abused him or verbally abused him like she did to me at least to my knowledge, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t psychologically abusing him by terrorizing him. I feel like as an adult, I should make a CPS report or do something to protect him, but at the same time, I don’t think it will go anywhere and there is no way she wouldn’t know I filed it. Who else would do it? Filing it would make her much angrier and raging too. If I filed it from here, she would cut me off and she would attack me. If I filed it from school, she would still cut me off, she wouldn’t be able to attack me but I don’t know what she would do to my siblings. I don’t even know how I would report it because she’s not doing anything that would directly harm him by degrading him or physically hurt him or otherwise. She’s not even threatening him. She’s just raging and shouting at the top of her lungs and running around. But I have this 12 year old boy telling me that he’s so scared of my mom that he wants a BB gun to protect himself. He’s an extremely nonviolent and sweet little boy, so I don’t think he’d actually do that, but that is how desperate and scared this child is and I can’t be there to protect him all the time. I will at a minimum tell him he needs to call the police if he is scared like that again. I just don’t know what to do.

[EDIT] I came upstairs again and the entire house is calm. This happened so suddenly in the span of about an hour and a half. She's now being friendly and loving to my brother. This is such a roller coaster.

I agree with T. I am proud of you.

So awful-- When you are back at school maybe T can lay out the options out there to protect your brother.

If your mom cut you off, would dad support you in school? As long as you have one parent's support , that may be all you need.

The tricky thing is if both parents cut you off, you need to be prepared to support yourself. Filing a report on your brother's behalf may be the right thing to do, but there may be consequences.

Another possible option--if your brother is in this situation again, have him call you at school. Then what you should do is call the police in your mom's town to perform a "wellness check"--tell the police that your mom is unstable and your brother is scared.

A wellness check is a good way to check on anyone you may be worried about--having the police check in may halt her crazy behaviour for a short time.

Glad that you were in touch w/your T