TW: Small mention CSA and other abuse (sorry for the trigger warnings but sometimes I get triggered by the smallest things)

I have told my T very little about my childhood, just basic stuff when I was manic and feeling chatty. He knows a little about the CSA and some other physical abuse by family members.
Every so often he wonders out loud about my childhood or says "I don't know much about your childhood but..." Is it something T's talk about often? Do they leave it up to the client to bring up or do they ask outright?
I really don't want to tell "family secrets" as i feel I am being disloyal in some way.

I suppose my question is, Has anyone talked in depth about their childhood and did it help any?

Thanks in advance for your responses.

[growlycat]

Hi BP artist-

I had a sadistic female caretaker and I have spoken to my psychodynamic T about it. It was a long road to get to that conversation, but worth it.

Along the way, your T may put the puzzle pieces together as you talk around the issue. T may already suspect something happened. They may press gently when the opportunity arises, but in general they wait until you are comfortable talking about it.

It does help. It feels literally like a weight has been lifted when someone hears what you went through and still cares deeply for you when your story is done. It feels great to know that you can share horrible and humiliating things and the person across from you not only doesn't judge you, but is protective of you. It is the best healing.

Are you thinking about telling T a little more?

Thanks growlycat. I am thinking of telling him more but I don't quite know how to bring it up. I've been seeing him for 3 years now. Since we've been trying to do more work on my CSA (it keeps getting derailed, I don't know if this my fault or just circumstances) I have been having more nightmares about my childhood.
Should i just mention that he seems to be curious about my childhood, or something more direct like "I am feeling more comfortable with you now, would you like to know more about my childhood" Or maybe bring up an incident or one of my nightmares?

[Arha]

I seem to do a lot of talking about my childhood with my T. No matter what we start off discussing, sooner or later he'll ask, "When was the first time you remember feeling like this?" and I usually struggle to find an answer. It is hard for me to identify a first time for things that I think happened a lot at preschool age.

He says I remember a lot of this early stuff, but who knows how much is normal to remember? I certainly struggle with telling him details from really early stuff, the emotions are what I remember clearly.

We seem to cover the same ground quite a lot, with him trying to get me to remember something I don't know that I can...

Like growlycat though, it has given me a lot of insight into the reasons for some of the ways I think now.

[Melody_Bells]

Hi BP Artist, Your T seems to be trying to lead the conversation in that direction, but you can decide when you are ready to talk. Even if he asks outright, you can say you want to set the pace. I understand how hard it is to talk about these things, especially with the disloyal feeling you get.

My T doesn't ask me anything and lets me lead the conversation.

Originally Posted by Melody_Bells

Hi BP Artist, Your T seems to be trying to lead the conversation in that direction, but you can decide when you are ready to talk. Even if he asks outright, you can say you want to set the pace. I understand how hard it is to talk about these things, especially with the disloyal feeling you get.

My T doesn't ask me anything and lets me lead the conversation.

He only mentioned it about 6 times in the past 3 years, always in relation to something relevant. Sometimes I feel I have given too much information already.

[sweepy62]

i have started trauma work its pretty hard with my ex t i used to write stuff down and she used to read it, with this t she wants me to talk about it and lately i dissociate in session when we talk trauma but we do grounding skills, it has helped me feel validated and after so long of keeping it a secret its a little relief but it sure is hard alot of emotions involved especially when you have to wait for your next session but i feel safe enough to discuss them briefly without too much detail yet i write down the title of the events of my csa i have a long list which i havent touched yet but the ones i have have been extremely shameful in one way and a relief in the other

[granite1]

hey BP I have told my T little about my childhood in almost 4 years.it is hard and I am scared .don't know how to bring it up either and hate how it makes me feel if for whatever reason we do talk about it

I talked about my csa and ca and I regret it with all my heart and soul. I am sitting here right now wishing I was dead. It is the biggest regret of my life. I would rather go through all of it all over again as terrible as it was rather than to ever talk about it.
I've been suicidal all morning long. nightmares every time I close my eyes.
my former therapist encouraged and allowed me to go through all of that all over again only to allow me to come to the realization that men don't matter when it comes to this stuff only women do.
I wish I could go back in time and just shut my mouth.
there was no comfort a consolation waiting for me.
Now I wish I was dead.
I will never be healed.
I hope when I do die God puts me in hell with the rest of his mistakes.
I would give anything to take back what I told my therapist.
once I got to a point where I reveal all what happened to me she terminated.
I go to bed at night thing I say is please let this be the night I die.
when I wake up I apologize for existing.
of course now that I realize it, pretty people are really put out by comforting ugly people.
I'm just too ugly for comfort.

Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor

I talked about my csa and ca and I regret it with all my heart and soul. I am sitting here right now wishing I was dead. It is the biggest regret of my life. I would rather go through all of it all over again as terrible as it was rather than to ever talk about it.
I've been suicidal all morning long. nightmares every time I close my eyes.
my former therapist encouraged and allowed me to go through all of that all over again only to allow me to come to the realization that men don't matter when it comes to this stuff only women do.
I wish I could go back in time and just shut my mouth.
there was no comfort a consolation waiting for me.
Now I wish I was dead.
I will never be healed.
I hope when I do die God puts me in hell with the rest of his mistakes.
I would give anything to take back what I told my therapist.
once I got to a point where I reveal all what happened to me she terminated.
I go to bed at night thing I say is please let this be the night I die.
when I wake up I apologize for existing.
of course now that I realize it, pretty people are really put out by comforting ugly people.
I'm just too ugly for comfort.

I'm sorry this happened to you.

Therapy took the only power I ever had and I didn't even know it until it was gone.
The power of silence.
That power was taken by trust.
I will never trust again.
Without trust a therapist has no power whatsoever.
I've never heard someone talk about negative cycles before more than a therapist.
meaning the negative cycle of comfort. The cycle of being despised is much easier for a therapist because the sadist should never comfort the masochist.
Yet now I feel like the masochist and the sadist rolled into one.
Having engaged in therapy to suffer for an amused therapist, I now despise myself more than even she despises me.

Think it through...

A therapist that has your trust can walk you into a life of shame where the only thing more tolerable is fire.

Im in psychoanalytic therapy so yes of course I've talked about my past/childhood. It was met with an empathy and understanding I thought one could only dream off.
It has freed me from the horror of my past. My life now is a blessing everyday! To have someone hear your story and walk the path with you is truly the greatest gift next to my children.
Silence wasnt a choice. It was a prison.

I've talked extensively about my childhood and the abuse I endured. It was painful to do, but ultimately very healing. Honestly, I don't see how I would have ever made real progress in therapy without discussing these things.

[0w6c379]

Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor

Therapy took the only power I ever had and I didn't even know it until it was gone.
The power of silence.
That power was taken by trust.
I will never trust again.
Without trust a therapist has no power whatsoever.
I've never heard someone talk about negative cycles before more than a therapist.
meaning the negative cycle of comfort. The cycle of being despised is much easier for a therapist because the sadist should never comfort the masochist.
Yet now I feel like the masochist and the sadist rolled into one.
Having engaged in therapy to suffer for an amused therapist, I now despise myself more than even she despises me.

Think it through...

A therapist that has your trust can walk you into a life of shame where the only thing more tolerable is fire.

I'm so sorry NTLF, that your T did not give you the empathy, the compassion, the affirmations you desperately needed to help you. If only you had a different T, someone who could respond appropriately, then maybe you would feel differently? Maybe instead of being shamed 10 x more, maybe you could have been helped to see that none of what you were put through as a child was your fault. You did nothing wrong! You did not deserve how you were treated. You have suffered so much and I feel for you that your T betrayed that trust (mine did too). I'm so sorry as I know how bad that feels.

[IndieVisible]

I believe most of our problems originate from our childhood. This is not limited to child abuse. It could be any traumatic experiences. The more screwed up childhood, the more screwed up we can become. So it's no wonder T's try to get to our childhood.

[stopdog]

I have told the woman stuff about childhood in response to her questions. I don't see that it has made a big difference to me and her response to what I have said is usually just baffling to me.

[Perna]

I do not believe there are any "family" secrets. If it is about you, it is your secret. Talking about anyone else is not your material and not directly relevant to you.

My oldest brother was an active alcoholic when I was in my late-20's and started leaning on me instead of our parents for help because he thought our parents were mad at him. So, my stepmother would call me to find out what was happening; it was a very uncomfortable 3-way thing for awhile.

Anyway, at some point in the conversation between my stepmother and myself she told me how, when my brother was 14 (I was 5), he saved all his money over time and then hopped a bus to California (from Maryland). I was shocked, did not remember any absence from before and the story was very important, now; he had just hopped a train for California this time, drunk the whole way across and arrived in San Francisco with $12.38 in his pocket, called me and asked what he should do (he was in his late-30's). I asked my stepmother why it was the first time I was hearing about this and she pointed out that it was not my story. And it is true, while it made sense and was important now, there was no reason I should have been told about it when I was a child.

Your stories now are still yours but the "family" has lost its hold on them because that grouping is no longer important. Your parents or other "adults" are no longer in charge of protecting you or your siblings' or their own embarrassing "secrets" from outsiders, you are now in charge of yourself. What you experienced; saw, felt, heard, smelled, tasted, or thought is wholly yours now. If it is important now, it is yours, you are one of the adults trying to solve your problems.

[growlycat]

BP artist, yes, saying something like "I am more comfortable with you now and I'd like to talk about a difficult topic" may help start the conversation. In fact, I may use that myself with my cbt guy

[MotownJohnny]

My therapist knows everything in detail. Since I've worked with her since 1999, it's safe to say she knows me well, and I trust her. Only topic which makes me uncomfortable is sex. If she were a guy, no problem. Just embarrasses me. I keep telling her I am a perfectly normal hetero man, with no hang ups about it, no dysfunctions physically or mentally, and that should suffice. She pushed from time to time, I just keep telling her I don't want to go there. I suspect some day she may suggest I go see a male therapist about the topic.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm so sorry to hear that, nothingtolivefor. (((hugs)))

To the OP: I think maybe your T is bringing it up because your feelings of being disloyal are very normal. Our childhoods affect us greatly but it's hard to talk about them. We feel like we don't have permission.

Personally, my therapy keeps coming back to my childhood, which suggests it needs to be talked about.

[AnnaBegins]

I've talked about it twice and both times it was because I was triggered by something. The first time, I was late to a session because of a car accident and when I finally got there, I was so panicked that I was shaking and hyperventilating in his office. When he commented that my reaction seemed a bit extreme, I told him that my father really got upset when we were late for something and that being late was not OK. The second time, we were trying to figure out why I have a low grade panic attack every time I go to his office and I told him about the first T my high school forced me to see when they caught me SI-ing in the locker room. She kept digging to get evidence of physical abuse and when I wouldn't give her any, she called my parents into the room and basically told them I was suicidal and it was their fault. As you can imagine, that went over like a lead balloon and I got screamed at on the way to and on the way back from every appointment I had after that. It got so bad that I started getting an upset stomach before every session - which I could then use to have sessions cancelled.

That first T made me hyper-sensitive to bringing up my family in session - I keep thinking that they'll know I'm being disloyal and talking about them somehow.

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I've talked about it twice and both times it was because I was triggered by something. The first time, I was late to a session because of a car accident and when I finally got there, I was so panicked that I was shaking and hyperventilating in his office. When he commented that my reaction seemed a bit extreme, I told him that my father really got upset when we were late for something and that being late was not OK.

Had a similar experience in my first session. I was late because of bad traffic. I think my reaction to being late told my T a lot about me when he first met me.

I'm sorry to hear about the bad experiences you've had.

Originally Posted by AnnaBegins

I keep thinking that they'll know I'm being disloyal and talking about them somehow.

Yeah. This. Or I think my T will be on their side and will react as they would.

[Victoria'smom]

T knows every time I go home it take a while to get myself back. T knows my family has rampant multiple mental illnesses running through it both treated and un-treated. She feels my mental history points to trauma and knows I have several strained and complicated relationships in my family but that I describe my family and history as interesting. I don't feel it's important but she does and asked me to bring pictures next session.

[precious things]

I think when it gets to the point where it is surfacing in your dreams and you are posting about it here, you are ready to explore this in therapy. I completely understand feeling like you are betraying people by talking. In my case, I fear someone from my past would find out (decades later, mind you) that I was starting to tell for the first time in therapy and they would "get me". So for me, I have had to build up a solid trust with my T that the therapy space is completely safe (now I've had to kind of speed up the trusting t process because I became consumed with memories, flashbacks, all sorts of things that just wouldn't stay buried any longer)

I have talked extensively about mine and it has helped me to see why I think or do thing a certain way. It definitly has helped, although I would go slow, because that many truths about things that happened can also be very emotional draining and dangerous as they come to light.