Too attached to t

Ok, I've been reading here about people terminating when their t does something wrong and people fighting the attachment issues and always thought I was lucky that I tended to talk these issues through with my t and never ended up in the same place. Now however I find myself feeling far too attached to her and cross over a very minor error on her part that normally wouldn't bother me at all.
Part of me wants to run away fast, but I often have suicidal thoughts and worry if I do this I will actually make things worse in the long run. She always tells me she cares and she can be there for me and it drives me mad as yes she can for the time of the week I am with her and in an emergency she will always ring but its not the same as being able to properly be there and she just won't agree. I've put all these thoughts in an email to her but she rarely checks her emails and since I haven't heard already it will now be Tuesday before she next checks. I know I can text but don't feel it is important enough to bother her on a weekend. I think some of this could be due to some deeper work we did last week that gave me a complete panic attack and also at the end of next week we have a break of a month.
Not sure what I am after from you folks, I think hearing how you cope or advice.

Yup after a session that brings up heavy emotions I become very needy for extra attention from my T. I think it is because when emotionally hurt as a child I never received comfort and reassurance and since the attachment to T is like nothing I ever experience my inner child overwhelmingly needs to proverbially wants to crawl in his lap to be comforted.

This is what I find barbaric about therapy. It causes the above but you can't have that needed comfort from your T(who I feel is a symbolic parent). I am not sure how this is healing. It causes me more stress and my bulimia gets worse.

I might actually contend that you are not attached enough, or at least not stably, to your therapist. It's the "on again, off again" attachment that is causing the pain.

If you stay with it, I think it will resolve out into a very comfortable thing - at least it did in my therapy.

There IS an incredible push/pull in therapy that can be outrageous. The therapist is there, they aren't, there again, not there etc....

It's hard to figure out exactly who and what they are. What is the relationship? It's crazy making and makes no sense. Even my therapist freely admitted that it's insane.

However, it does seem to be a brilliant insanity because once that pendulum reaches the middle, and is still, the feeling of connection and attachment is very pleasant.

It's just a streetfight sometimes to get there.

I have absolutely no advice on how to make it easier (and I don't think therapists do either). In your case, negotiating a months absence is going to be tough, but it may help to recall the times when your therapist was there and how it felt in that moment.

All I know is that I just, for some inexplicable reason, just kept going and kept leaning into the relationship.

It worked. The pain will resolve.

For me, whenever the therapist takes time off, I also take about the same amount of time off from either end of the time period. So if the therapist is leaving for a month - I will cancel the two weeks before the woman leaves and the two weeks after she reports returning. After the first week, where it is odd because of the change in schedule, I find I feel less anxiety and stress in my life in general. Once I started doing this, the absences have become rather something to look forward to. Not rushing back to the woman when she returns lets me feel less trapped. I have also used that time to see more other therapists to get information.

Thanks guys. I just want to run and run and never stop. Am meant to be packing for trip and can't even face that. I just want my t. How childish is that. Everything seems such hard work. Stopdog, I love the fact you take the extra time. One day maybe I will be in a position where I can do this. I am away as well for most of the time but dreading returning and not being able dot connect for a while especially as I know how stressful that will be.
MoxieDoxie I so feel the same. It seems completely barbaric
Elliemay that sounds really positive but I have been in t twice a week for over 3 years. Shouldn't it have settled down by now? That's kind of what I was waiting to happen but I still seem so far away.

I either want to run far away or to just sleep. I am so sick to death of all of this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't ever want to go back.

I totally get arguing with the T about whether "she is there" like she says and what it means. I had the same argument/discussion with my T. alhtough I do know that if I were in trouble, he would make arrangements so I could see or talk to him, so that sort of counts.

And cross for minor errors makes sense to me too. Sometimes I get angry for being too attached!

And I get wanting to create some distance after doing deeper work - either that or some evidence of real connection. Something so I wasn't afraid about what I'd just revealed.

Brainstorming:
I wonder if writing to T during your regular hour while she is away would help? You could choose to show them to her are not. I do that sometimes.
Is there someone you could see while she is gone?
Do you have a someone you can call if start getting scared? or a hotline number where there are trained people?

Going a whole month sounds hard!! My T tells me to remember to breathe when things get hard. I keep forgetting, but it really does help!

Willowleaf, I'm sorry you're struggling with the attachment. I find it very hard too, but am lucky my therapist makes her self extraordinarily available to me, although it can backfire and make the attachment issues even more intense when she isn't available for any span of time.

May I suggest that you ask your therapist what to do with these feelings, how to cope between sessions, how to cope in her absence? I'm sure she doesn't want you in pain. Perhaps she would write you a nice reassuring letter to hold onto in the interim? Perhaps you two can work on some self-mothering techniques to ease things just a little. My therapist has sent me song links, one to a lullaby, and a photo of her garden, and a set of bedtime stories for adults. I've also saved some of the recordings of our sessions (we do chat sessions online) in a document, the reassuring bits, to reread when I need comfort. My final suggestion is to print your post here and give it to her. I've gotten this advice before and found it very helpful. Take care!!!

Antimatter, I'm so sorry you're feeling the same. It's rubbish isn't it? We've almost got through another day so at least that's one positive.
Syra, unfortunately I will be travelling all over the world for 3 of the weeks. For the first two I can email or Skype, but unfortunately when I've tried that I really don't feel connected and now have the common sense not to put myself through it. I used to but realised long term it hurt me more. Being away in several different countries also means hotline out of the question so will need to be really looking after myself.
Leah, your t sounds wonderful. I have asked mine to write a letter in the past and I think I will again now. Someone on here once suggested asking her to leave a message on my phone answering machine which I may try. I have a weeks break then two sessions on consecutive days before big break and I have a feeling I am going to have to address this. Not something I am looking forward to.
I just want a life where I'm not in any kind of pain, either mentally or physically, a life where I don't often think of ending it all. A life where I'm not scared. I'm beginning to think maybe this is not possible and I'm angry at t for making me think things could be different. It's not like these things have only been happening in the last few years. They have been with me for almost 40 years. I just want a break

I made it through feeling not attached, it wasn't easy I might add. Now I feel better, though, and not clingy. That is one of the most difficult states to tolerate, in my opinion. It's good that the state doesn't last forever, but that is rarely helpful during those times.

Thanks for telling us. I'm glad you made it through.
Do you remember anything you tried that helped? Might be helpful for the rest of us : )