[lucky2001]

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for almost two years. I really like her but i feel like i can’t open up in therapy. There’s so much i want to tell her but i have a really hard time trusting people in general. I feel like she will leave me if i don’t open up. She’s usually the one initiating the conversation in therapy and she told me that sometimes she’s hesitant of asking questions because she feels like if she forces me, I will withdraw even more. But the truth is i want her to push a little bit more so maybe i can open up. After the therapy session today, I just feel like she will leave me. I couldn’t even tell her about how hard last week was and how bad the voices and the delusions were. I just want to be a better client for her. She asked me how i would describe myself and i couldn’t tell her because i don’t want her to know how much i hate myself. I just got out of therapy wanting to hurt myself because I feel like my therapist hates me for not being able to open up. Anyway, what should I do to open up more? Does anyone have any suggestions?

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by lucky2001

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for almost two years. I really like her but i feel like i can’t open up in therapy. There’s so much i want to tell her but i have a really hard time trusting people in general. I feel like she will leave me if i don’t open up. She’s usually the one initiating the conversation in therapy and she told me that sometimes she’s hesitant of asking questions because she feels like if she forces me, I will withdraw even more. But the truth is i want her to push a little bit more so maybe i can open up. After the therapy session today, I just feel like she will leave me. I couldn’t even tell her about how hard last week was and how bad the voices and the delusions were. I just want to be a better client for her. She asked me how i would describe myself and i couldn’t tell her because i don’t want her to know how much i hate myself. I just got out of therapy wanting to hurt myself because I feel like my therapist hates me for not being able to open up. Anyway, what should I do to open up more? Does anyone have any suggestions?

I thought that is what I needed too....to be sort of talked into talking. Honestly, it worked out terribly. My T was pushing pushing and I withdrew more and more. Sometimes we'd talk about stuff, but because it wasn't of my own volition, I'd have severe anxiety and was unable to stay with the conversation. I wasn't ready and forcing it made it worse.

My new T refuses to pick a topic to talk about. I choose what we talk about. It is difficult to get going, it's more meaningful and I do find a way to get to the hard topics eventually.

Something that helps me, is if I backdoor a conversation by starting out with some other topic or pre-empt it by asking T how he would respond to certain conversations or what he thinks about certain topics.

In other conversations, I talk around the subject because I can't use some of the language associated with the topic.

I wasted 3 years with the whole push-me-into-talking scenario.

Your T should be able to meet you where you are and help you through this.

[lucky2001]

Thank you. I know what you mean about not being able to use some words associated with the topic. I do that as well. And sometimes I end up not being able to talk because of it. I'm just scared that she will leave me if I don't start opening up soon. And writing down things doesn't work because I either can't organize my thoughts or I end up not being able to give her what I've written. But I feel like I have to help my T by opening up more. I feel like I'm not good enough in therapy. I think today I made her angry because I told her some stuff I shoudn't have. She also told me that sometimes she wishes I would open up more. I guess I just feel guilty that I'm not doing enough.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by lucky2001

I’ve been seeing the same therapist for almost two years. I really like her but i feel like i can’t open up in therapy. There’s so much i want to tell her but i have a really hard time trusting people in general. I feel like she will leave me if i don’t open up. She’s usually the one initiating the conversation in therapy and she told me that sometimes she’s hesitant of asking questions because she feels like if she forces me, I will withdraw even more. But the truth is i want her to push a little bit more so maybe i can open up. After the therapy session today, I just feel like she will leave me. I couldn’t even tell her about how hard last week was and how bad the voices and the delusions were. I just want to be a better client for her. She asked me how i would describe myself and i couldn’t tell her because i don’t want her to know how much i hate myself. I just got out of therapy wanting to hurt myself because I feel like my therapist hates me for not being able to open up. Anyway, what should I do to open up more? Does anyone have any suggestions?

I can relate so much to what you wrote. I've had these kinds of experiences and feelings too. Even after 6 years, it can happen. What I found most helpful was to keep talking to my T about these times. She doesn't judge, and your T won't either. She helped me learn about me when we talked about this.

We've even had some fun talking about what I fantasize as the perfect patient (floats in, pours out everything on her mind, engages intellectually...) and she was able to reassure me that therapy is hard, opening up is hard, trust is hard, allowing ourselves to be vulnerable is hard...

Talk about all of this with your therapist, because it is all important, and it is where you are right now. It can create a vicious circle, worrying about disappointing T, which causes us to withdraw, which causes us disappointment in ourselves and increases the worry of losing T... Talk to her about everything you wrote, or print it and take it to share with her, so she can help you understand what is happening and offer you some reassurance.

[purplejell]

It is hard to open up in therapy for sure... Sometimes I have written things and brought them in to read to her, although then I often feel disconnected from what I've written. I'm allowed to leave my T voicemails during the week (which she just listens to but doesn't respond to), and I feel like that's sort of leaving a "breadcrumb trail" to some of the important stuff. Then she knows it's there and can help me towards talking about it. The other thing that is motivating for me in the session is to think about how I'll feel later if I don't talk about the important stuff. Sometimes that helps me be brave because it feels really horrible if I don't tell her.
I would definitely tell her you're afraid of losing her, and afraid you aren't doing therapy right... if you can attack the problem together, maybe you'll feel less like you're failing.

[lucky2001]

Thank you for your responses. I just want to end it all. I'm making plans of how and when i can do it. I'm sure i will fail like i fail everything else. I'm so tired of everything. I hate myself for messing everything up. I made my T angry yesterday and she was my only support. My pdoc said to call her if i feel sui but i'm not sure if i want to call her. Sorry, this post is so pointless...

[growlycat]

Please keep posting and call whichever T you feel is most supportive. They can really help but they need to know how bad things are.

[lucky2001]

Thank you. I just feel really confused about everything. I have never called my T or pdoc in 2 years that i have known them so i wouldnt even know what i would say if i called

[growlycat]

Recently I asked my cbt T for reassurance/support and it was overwhelming how much he wanted to help. If you try to reach out it can be a huge relief. It helps to think of what you want to ask for in advance.

Or just tell them how bad things are, they will know what to do.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I was really struck by your statement that you want to be a better client for her, that you're worried about messing things up. It's not your job to be a "good" client, to perform well, to be anything other than what and who you are. It's your T's job to meet you where you are.

Easy to say, of course. I have spent months trying to get my head around the fact that my T is not going to leave because I said the wrong thing or acted out. I act out constantly, apparently trying to find whatever it is that is finally going to make him leave. He said: "Short of bringing a gun in here, it would be very difficult for you to screw this up." I said: "I don't need to bring a gun! I can screw anything up!"

But that's not how therapy works. Because it's YOUR therapy, and it is what you need it to be. Nobody gets to tell you that you messed it up. And I'm willing to wager that you haven't messed everything up and your therapist doesn't hate you or think you shouldn't have told her stuff - those are your feelings, and they're lying to you and telling you that your T thinks the same. I always think my T will be angry or disgusted with me for talking to him and he never is.

You need someone to trust, but you don't have a template for that, you don't have anywhere to put your T's caring and kindness, it seems absurd and suspicious and dangerous to you that this person might actually stick around and let you hold onto them, so you're scared. I think you should show your T what you wrote here, I really really do.

[lucky2001]

Thank you tinyrabbit and growlycat. Your replies really mean a lot to me. I'm sorry, I wish i could write a long response but i feel so completely lost, depressed and sui right now. I'm just trying to hold on but i honestly don't know how. I know I need some sort of help but I'm at the point where I don't care anymore.

[tinyrabbit]

Okay, so first off you don't have to write anything, okay? I am sure I speak for other people as well as myself when I say that nobody expects you to respond or do anything unless it's what YOU need. So please don't worry about that.

I'm sorry you're feeling so sad. Please show your T what you wrote on this thread. I think that would be a really good start. Your T can help you hold on, I know how crazy that sounds but it's true.