Should therapists yell at their clients?

Actually, I had a MSW group therapist get physically in my face, yell at me, and order me to look at him in the eye and answer his questions. This was in a group therapy session at the day hospital program. I found it shocking. I had never dreamed a therapist would do that. I felt compelled to respond, like if I didn't he would have grabbed me by the shirt collar and maybe slugged me.

And I will be eternally grateful to the guy for doing this, I believe that was one of a handful of pivotal moments in the whole strange saga which saved my life. I have parsed and dissected that Friday afternoon session in my mind over and over a thousand times. I think the guy is a brilliant therapist, I already thought he was really good when this happened two weeks in from watching him run those two hour groups each day. I do believe it was in no way just a therapist getting frustrated and losing it, because he was extremely controlled and extremely precise in his responses. I also think it was kind of a risky gamble on his part, but I believe he thought it was a calculated risk that would pay off. I would love to be able to ask the guy about it, if he was doing what I think he was doing.

My T has also raised his voice at me and cursed at me, but in a good way, if that makes sense. As in I was saying something that showed how seriously distorted my thinking and perception of myself is, and he was trying to get me to see that what I was saying was not reality. At some point, he said, "No, you are just so ****ing WRONG, MKAC." I sat there for a second and started laughing. So, it was yelling and cursing that came from a place of caring about me and really wanting me to see that I am not as horrible as I think I am.

I think MKAR & MTJ make a good point. I also think that the T wasn't angry at them. I'm more comfortable iwth MKAC than MTJ, but I can't argue with success. I can remember a similar time with a T who I liked, and I felt like he liked me, rolling his eyes at me and saying something like "come on now." But it was said with acceptance and caring, not anger and judgment (well, maybe a tiny bit of judgment, but with acceptance) I imagine that they both know that the T cared about them. They weren't yelling in anger, they were yelling because they cared.

Hadn't thought about it, but maybe it's not the yelling that's the issue. At least for me, the issue is whether the T is angry at me. If they are, they are letting their stuff into MY session. It doesn't sound like that is what MKAC & MTJ's Ts were doing. I'm not sure

Hi. I should clarify the context of what was going on with this incident. I wanted to early, but frankly, I was up late Friday night, got up really early and did a long ride this morning, about 50 miles, and fell asleep earlier at the computer --I kind of struggled to get that much down in between nodding off.

The context of my encounter was this -- the discussion in group therapy that day was about abusive relationships, and especially about parent/child relationships. And, let me tell you, I have been there/done that in spades. Grew up with a sexually deviant father with a serious mean streak, hatred and rage towards me since he believed, wrongly, I was the product of serial infidelity, and who had a love of guns and knives and a serious, longstanding untreated mental illness. Pretty much a recipe for me growing up in Hell.

So, I remember listening to another one of the patients speaking about how her mother physically abused her as a little girl, and the effects it had on her, and I started to cry and lose it. And, that was big for me, because one thing I had promised myself was that I absolutely wouldn't give anyone the satisfaction of seeing me cry, being in my "I'm a POW in the hands of the enemy" mode at that time. Which was ironic, because actually by that time I had really enjoyed the group therapy and thought it was pretty helpful, even though I did more listening than talking. But I still wasn't going to give anyone the satisfaction. Until I got to the point I wasn't just silently shedding a few tears, but openly sobbing to the point of near hysteria and hyperventilation.

At which time Mr. Therapist kind of decided that the remaining hour of the session needed to be all about me. And, he dug really deep, asked me a lot of questions about my childhood. Which were really painful to answer. I had to sit in a room with a lot of other people, about 12-14 total, and spill out all of the crap that I had worked hard to conceal over the years -- I didn't want people to know my father was a cross dresser, or that he had held me at gunpoint a couple of times as a kid, that sort of thing, because I was afraid it would somehow reflect on me, on my family, make me look bad. I mostly just wished it away since he had died and tried to forget it. Except, that never works, it just pushes it on the back burner until such time as it bubbles over and explodes.

I was literally a broken man at that point, I felt like the scum of the earth and that I had no reason to live. What this therapist did was strange, and shocking, and it did really drain me. But, after thinking it over, because believe me, that Friday night and Saturday morning were all about thinking it over, I came to the conclusion that the guy was acting like a drill sargent in the military, being tough to make me want to fight. Which is what happened, I had a big epiphany the next morning while riding around in cold rain on a brisk, breezy Michigan late September morning. I suddenly understood emotionally, as I had intellectually for a long time, that it was NOT ok what happened to me as a kid.

And, I will NEVER ever forget what the man said to me, in front of all of these people, the language he used was shocking, too. His exact words to me about how I was abused as a kid, and how I continued to let myself be treated like dirt, were "You're pissed as Hell. You have every right to be. You need to tell the world to go **** off."

I can think about this now, and get a big smile on my face.

It sounds like he really "got" you, and cared about you.

As I read your story, I thought "I wouldn't think he was too blame. I would have compassion and acceptance." and then I thought, what if it was my story?. And my reaction was that I would intuitively try not to let anyone know, just like you didn't want to tell anyone. And then I wonder, what is it about my story that I don't want people to know. How could I intuitively recognize what you were talking about. It took me months to reveal to anyone that I had been rejected and dumped by my exT. But I did that. That was really hard because so many people assume the T is right and the cl is crazy/in denial/etc. But I wasn't crazy and I wasn't in denial. And not telling made it feel like I had a secret shame. And it wasn't my shame!

I can tell that I FEEL there is something about my story of long ago that I don't want to say. I don't know what it is. I'll have to think about this.\

Thanks for taking the time to tell your story. It helped me - it is helping me, and I'm not totally sure how, yet.

Oh, you are most welcome. It's very unpredictable, what we experience, see, hear, read, that helps us.