[shannon9xj]

I have been through three different therapists in one year. I only started to seek treatment for my eating disorder about two years ago though i've been suffering from bulimia/anorexia for aout ten years now. As of now, I have no memories of my childhood at all. My mother suffers from manic depression and has never really got treamnet for it. My older brother has no memory either and left home about four years ago never to return. I'm sure our childhood wasn't the happiest but I dont think there was any abuse or anything.
The thing is, I get scared. The minute I start to talk about my past or what I've been told of it by my parents, I freak, affraid that there is a reason why I dont remember and it cant be good. I know I have to face my past in order for me to stop my ED and my cutting. Every time a T zones in on my erased past I split. Well, I've been with this T for about five months, the longest so far. We've started to touch on my past and I am actually starting to get memories. They come like flash backs, like I am reliving it, and it sucks. She tells me not to worry that anything I see already happened and there is no need to panic. But I find myself shivering afterwards. The images I see are from a scary movie, they cant be my life! Am I just crazy? Are these real? Is my T messing with my head? These are all things I worry about. And if these are real, then how do I stop them from interfearing with my life now? Some insite from anyone who has dealt with this before would be so appreciated!

Shannon

Flashbacks are memorys of a traumatic event. A person who fought in a war has flashbacks about the things that he or she went through, A person who has been in a car accident goes through flashbacks about what happened during that car accident.

Flashbacks can be a sound, a taste, a smell, or a touch that the person experienced during the traumatic event.

The brain automatically stores in the brain what the five senses are experiences from the day a person is born to the day they die.

When something happens that upsets or hurts the person it is called a traumatic event. Those events can be anything going through an earthquake, tornado, flood, katrina, rape accidents and so on.

Sometimes because the traumatic event is sof ar outside the persons abilities to understand what they were seening, hearing, tasting, smelling, touching or being touched that the brain safey button kicks in of placing pieces of those memories of traumatic events into what is called the unconscious level of thinking so that the person does nto remember that part of the trauma.

Then as the person heals and begins to get better and they encounter something that reminds them of that trauma they went through suddenly they see what they say when they went through the traumatic event, or they smell the same smells and so on. This is called having a flashback.

T. is not messing with your head. what you see hear and so on already happened to you. something in your life reminds you of what happened and that triggers your brain to replay that memory. Its now a memory so it can't physically hurt you. Mentally well I know only too well experiencing flashbacks is NOT fun. It sometimes is scarey and upsetting in many ways.

Are they real? what you are seeing, hearing and so on WERE real when they happened. now they are a memory.

Hang in there it does get better.

[zombiette]

Shannon,
i get wat u r going thru gurl!!! my mother is manic depressive too, but has also never received treatment. i used to have anorexia but have been free of it for about three years now...went back to just plain old depression after that but have gotten therapy over the past year and am finally happy i think the reason it's so scary is when u step back from the ED and finally see the situation for what it is, instead of hiding behind anorexia or self-harm (i also used to self-harm as well, but don't wanna go there anymore) or depression or whatever other form of self-destruction ur using as a distraction. think about it this way - if u have an operation, u don't feel anything until the anaesthetic wears off and even tho u know ur getting better, it still hurts like hell. but the upside is at least when u confront ur memories there is a valid reason for that pain and u can articulate it. for me, it hurt and there was grief and anger and then in the end, there came the ability to let go and move on. ur not crazy and i found when i had a flashback it wld help if i said to myself "i am (wherever) now. i am safe. i am moving forward"...it sounds a bit cheesy i know, but it actually does calm u down a bit

Cat

My mother also had bp & could not get successful treatment for it (was also an alcoholic so I'm sure that didn't help). I have very little memory of my childhood, but the ones I do have are not good. I actually was relieved when she committed suicide when I was 15. She was finally at peace. (I'm not recommending suicide in any way. It had major bad effects on me & my family & if she had held on & had hope she might have been able to try the newer drugs & treatments that have come out.) The memories I did have used to contribute to my depression greatly. I would ruminate on them & feel the pain & fear all over again.

Therapy didn't help at that point. It only made me sadder to try to remember things. When my husband came home & I was even more depressed he would say, "I see you saw your therapist today."

Once I got on the right meds I found these bad memories (the few that I had like having to call the police when my mother was beating up my brother or her kicking me out of the house & calling me a ***** when I was 12 & I didn't even know what the word meant) didn't affect me as much. I got the attitude of yeah, I had a lousy childhood, but my mother was sick. It wasn't personal. She couldn't help herself & I have a pretty good life now with two grown kids, a safe environment, a mostly supportive husband & a few friends I have met through support groups.

Sorry for rambling, but I needed the correct medication to make peace with my past & not have it affect me so much today. Maybe that would be helpful for you, too. I really think the meds I am on are miracle drugs for the difference they have made in my life.--Suzy

[FaithisAlive]

Hi.. I know it is scary and painful to be having the memories and not knowing what to expect or how to react...and it doesn't feel like it could possibly be real.. but the memories start coming when the time is right to heal.

I have only flashes of what my childhood was like, I stuffed it all so deep s for so many years, that I have more I don't know than what I do know.I have found that the life I thought I had was really just a mask my family put on for the world to see.. so the secrets wouldn't be revealed.So the memories come and I have to sort out what is real and not real.This may well happen to you as well.

I agree that memories ,although emotionally painful, they cannot hurt you ... you forgot as a coping skill.. now you can remember as a way to heal so you can take control of your life.Let them come.. I am sure your therapist can give you some visualization techniques to help you through the anxiety of having the flashbacks...

And you must allow yourself to rest..when memories come,it can cause complete exhaustion and you need to take care of yourself so you can keep working on healing... just be easy with yourself.

Peace.. Faith

[JustAPixie]

(((((((((( shannon )))))))))))

[shannon9xj]

Thankyou for your support everyone! My T has changed my meds inorder to help with the anxiety that comes from the flashbacks. I know that eventually my past will come back to me but I have to be ready and stay strong or it could very well kill me. Your words and advice are very much appreciated thank you again!

Shannon