[healed84]

I read a lot around here about people wanting to have some kind of relationships with their Ts after they terminate with their Ts. A lot of people want to be friends with their ts.

Am I the only one who only wants the relationship that they have right here and now with their T? I mean.. I don't want to give up client/T relationship. I know, that really my T isn't the put together guy he portrays in his office and he makes sure to remind me of that. BUT-I don't want the flaws that come a long with a relationship outside of the safe place of his office. I don't want to change that dynamic. If I can't have him as my T.. I don't want him at all!!!

Anybody else?

[stopdog]

I don't have an urge to be friends with, hang out with, or deal with the therapist in other aspects of life.

Hi Healed
At the moment I'm flip-flopping between the two. I used to be all gung-ho for a relationship outside of the room, but now I'm not so sure. As time goes by the urge for a friendship with T seems to have lessened. I think it may be a process we have to go through.

[feralkittymom]

Of course there's nothing wrong with that! Your needs haven't been fully met yet, so why would you want the relationship to change? It's like children always say they want to grow up, but you know from experience that they very much also want everything to stay the same.

I think some people long for a non-therapy relationship before their needs have been met as a defense against the fear that comes with doing the work. And that isn't about a relationship with the T as a real person, but about coping with unmet needs.

There's nothing lesser about a non-therapy relationship, but it is entirely different in reality than fantasy.

I don't know... It's hard. I think I want the best of both worlds...
(And that may be the problem! )

[unaluna]

For me, it was like, well I don't want to be part of my own family, so can i be part of yours? Will you accept me where they wouldn't? My t's acceptance of me makes me feel more acceptable to other people, so ican rely less on him, improving my RL relationships and involvement in activities.

[TheRealFDeal]

I want to maintain the T/client relationship. What if I need to see T again in the future? If we are now "friends" and I need T again, we can't go back. I would have to find a new T. Boo to that.

[content30]

I guess there is a part of me that wonders what it would be like to be T's friend, but I'd MUCH rather have her as a T. She's too excellent to give up for a friendship. I have close friends and family; I need T to be my T. I agree with you.

However, as I am in school to be a T, part of me does wish that she could be my supervisor and/or mentor, though, because I think she is great at what she does, and I'd love to learn more from her.

[scorpiosis37]

I have no interest in being T's friend or having a relationship with T outside of therapy. I love her as my T and we have a fabulous relationship-- but it's a professional relationship. And that's why it works so well! I feel strongly that the professional boundaries are there for a reason and I really benefit from having the things that only a T can give me-- undivided attention and support that requires nothing of me in return. Why would I want to give that up? I have plenty if friends and, while i love them, they require a lot of me. T is the only person in my life who doesn't need anything from me, and that is something I really value. I don't think it would be healthy for me to have any kind of relationship with T beyond client/therapist-- nor do I want one. I like things just as they are.

I have no interest in being friends with either of my Ts. My newer T and I have a great connection, and he said if I had met him another way he thought we would be great friends (and I agree). However, I need him too much as a T right now...plus, I have only seen him for 6 months so I have zero plans on going anywhere for quite awhile. Even when I do, I might need him in the future, so why mess that relationship up? (Just like TheRealFDeal said.)

Originally Posted by scorpiosis37

I have no interest in being T's friend or having a relationship with T outside of therapy. I love her as my T and we have a fabulous relationship-- but it's a professional relationship. And that's why it works so well! I feel strongly that the professional boundaries are there for a reason and I really benefit from having the things that only a T can give me-- undivided attention and support that requires nothing of me in return. Why would I want to give that up? I have plenty if friends and, while i love them, they require a lot of me. T is the only person in my life who doesn't need anything from me, and that is something I really value. I don't think it would be healthy for me to have any kind of relationship with T beyond client/therapist-- nor do I want one. I like things just as they are.

[Asiablue]

I think wanting to be friends with them on the outside is sometimes to do with wanting to translate that nurturing you get in therapy into your personal life. Like a limitless supply of nurturance or unlimited access to that care. Not all of us have had that type of care growing up which leaves a massive space in our hearts needing filled up. Mostly it's just fantasy that nestles in a child-like place in us. Because the reality of trying to be friends would most likely be horrible. As adults we realise they can't be our adoptive parent or guardian angel and friends would be the next best thing.

I think that's how it is for me when i wished i could be friends with exT.

S/He doth protest too much, comes to mind

[growlithing]

No. I don't want to be friends with my T. I want to always have a T/client relationship. I'd happily take a mom/daughter relationship though except that's not how I literally view her. More like a caregiver/child relationship because that is somehow different in my mind.

[roads]

I've never had any after-the-session-period relationship with any T. All of them had helped me to develop real world relationships, and I pursued those.
I have, in some cases, called former Ts to update them & thank them for especially helpful progress we made together. They've all been glad to hear from me, but it's remained professional--no follow up contact.
This has worked for me. I like thanking these special professionals in my past and letting them know some results of their hard work ... especially the good stuff.
Roadie

I have never really had any expectation of relationship/contact after I finished with a therapist. It worked out with my college T that we did remain in contact, but that wasn't something planned. It just sort of happened coincidentally and then just continued.

[granite1]

I think I need the T relationship I have with my T now also. I could never see myself being friends with my T. been there and done that .for me it ends disastrously .i don't think I want a friendship with all the flaws either I just want her to help me feel better

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by growlithing

No. I don't want to be friends with my T. I want to always have a T/client relationship. I'd happily take a mom/daughter relationship though except that's not how I literally view her. More like a caregiver/child relationship because that is somehow different in my mind.

Exactly this, but with a dad not a mum.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by healed84

Am I the only one who only wants the relationship that they have right here and now with their T?

Ha ha, yes, me too! I do not want to be friends with my T. I am very comfortable with him therapist, me client. We got a good thing going, so why mess it up with being friends?

When people have written they want to be friends with their T after termination, I have kind of interpreted that to mean they don't want to say good-bye, that they wish there was a way they could keep their T in their lives. They can't be therapist-client anymore, so they search for a way to be something else. My T has not told me I have to terminate therapy (yet?) so I don't have that pressure to seek another kind of relationship with him. At our last meeting, I raised the issue that perhaps I didn't need to see him anymore. I thought that might trigger his "terminate client protocol", but it didn't. He just said I could come see him whenever I needed to, and if I didn't need to see him for a while, that was fine, to just come back when I needed to, that he would be there. Indefinitely, it seemed. I agree with TheRealDeal that if I did become friends with T, that would mess up my ability to see him again as a therapist (no dual relationships). I wouldn't want to lose him in that capacity.

[pbutton]

I want my current T to be my T. He's very good at it and I'd lose out on a lot if he was just my friend.

[healed84]

Originally Posted by _Mouse

S/He doth protest too much, comes to mind

I take offense to this. Why in the world would I create a post about how I didn't want a relationship with T after therapy if I really did?

Just wanted to see if others felt the same way as myself.

Yes, only as a way to know for sure her life isn't as perfect as I think it seems.

[RTerroni]

This is interesting (and tough) question for me. Yes I would like my Therapist to be primarily my Therapist but that doesn't mean that if we happen to cross paths that we can associate and communicate with one another. Since my Therapist and I are both very young (Solid Gen Yers) we may (and I know that in a few cases we actually do) have many common interests, so Hypothetical Situation: we are both at the same music concert (let's assume it is an all GA venue) and we happen to run into each other at the show I would definitely like to speak to her and enjoy some of the show with her there. So to provide a somewhat clear answer- No I probably wouldn't want a full-on friendship with my Therapist (which even I think is sort of our of line) but if our outside paths happen to cross than we can definitely associate at the intersection (before once again going our separate ways)

[tooski]

No, but only because I like who he is. I would have liked him if he had showed up at my door as a plumber or electrician. However, my 2 previous Ts, I was happy just to have them as my T. They were good at their job but I had no desire to have them in my personal life. For me, it all depends on who the person is.

I had a physiatrist once that I would have done anything to have him in my life. But he was married and 25 years younger, so .... c'est la vie.

Never wanted a friend to hang with who knew ALL my dirty laundry.