[Tarra]

Or improved? How did you do it? What was the process like?

[growlycat]

It is a long battle for me but I am so much better.

If I felt like someone was leaving me or rejecting me I'd go on the attack then back off and get weepy and depressed.

Now I know to at least check in with the other person and get clarification. Today with cbt T I made a call to let him know what was going on with me and my concerns. In the past, I'd blame and accuse T's of not caring.

Takes a ton of practice and (ugh) mindfulness to keep aware of my state of mind.

Not yet but still hanging on by a thread! I do have faith in the therapeutic process and seen vast improvements in other areas of my life so I hope one day this attachment, the most hurtful one will heal.

Yes. I've still got work to do. But my life before psychoanalytic therapy and my life now are oceans apart.

[boredporcupine]

Yes. I'm not saying things are perfect now, but when I started in therapy I was constantly convinced my T was right about to get fed up with me at any moment, and I oscillated between thinking she cared too much (scary) or that she didn't care at all. I never worry about that any more. Also in the beginning I used to miss my T during breaks so much it was physically painful, I couldn't hold onto an image of her in my mind, and often she would turn evil on me (in my head) halfway through the weekend. By contrast, this week I am taking a week off voluntarily and T is just the same in my head as always, not am I suffering from separation pains.

It really was an agonizing process of learning to take in care, learning to ask for and accept reassurance, learning she wasn't going to get fed up. It wasn't much fun at all but the results are worth it.

[tinyrabbit]

I think mine are improving because I've gone from having constant ruptures with my T to recognising when my feelings are about something else. I have a long long way to go though.

[unaluna]

I would say, purt darn near. I've gone from not daring to ask for a schedule change for like 2 or 3 years, to thinking of one this week and saying it in session TODAY. .And talking about what an improvement that was and t knew what I was talking about.

So look for a benchmark, something that shows you how much you've changed, that you're doing differently. It might not be obvious or seem directly related.

[pbutton]

I am better than I was when I started therapy, but I still have a ways to go.

[growlithing]

[EDIT] Sorry. I posted this while I was half asleep and it made no sense.

[1stepatatime]

I am still quite attached to my T....it's only been eight months. But I noticed the last time that she went away I didn't feel as lost without her as I have in past months. Having said that, I always await her response to my weekly emails. I am moving along but slowly...I have a
long ways to go.

[rainbow8]

I will find out in March when I terminate therapy due to finances. I've been in therapy for years with different Ts, and it will be 4 years with my current T in February. I'm not sure how to heal from my attachment issues. My T wants me to comfort myself and find others to connect with other then her. I can do that, but I still want her. It's difficult.

[Tarra]

Thanks for all the responses, that sounds hopeful. I don't even know for sure if I have attachment issues, I've just started to suspect that maybe I have the fearful-avoidant type of attachment. Fear of getting close to people, although desperately wanting to, not being able to be vulnerable with people, maybe a subconcious avoidance of relationships.

I'm scared/embarrassed to talk to my T about it - as usual, I'm afraid of seeming attention seeking or making things sound worse than they are, and I'm not sure my childhood was 'bad enough' to cause attachment issues. And fearful-avoidant, although it seems to fit the best, is usually described as the worst type, so I feel like I'm being over-dramatic. I'm scared he won't take the idea seriously. He's cbt based, though we do more general stuff as well as cbt; I don't know whether he formulates things in terms of attachment issues as such.

[Tarra]

Originally Posted by hankster

I would say, purt darn near. I've gone from not daring to ask for a schedule change for like 2 or 3 years, to thinking of one this week and saying it in session TODAY. .And talking about what an improvement that was and t knew what I was talking about.

So look for a benchmark, something that shows you how much you've changed, that you're doing differently. It might not be obvious or seem directly related.

Thanks hankster. I guess I am improving in some ways - although we've not discussed attachment directly, a lot of the issues we come up against seem related. I can now tell him a lot more stuff, and I can make eye contact with him sometimes when I'm upset.

I see a psycho dynamic so a lot of it is relationship based with the transference and attachment used towards the healing process. I have a ways to go. However, I can tell you that healing is possible from it and it does get better. I walked in one day and just told my T I'm attached, done fighting it and that from now-I'm leaving it up to her to hold the boundary. Since that day I'm experiencing a level of healing that I never thought was possible.

[Tarra]

Originally Posted by Jersey 2.0

I walked in one day and just told my T I'm attached, done fighting it and that from now-I'm leaving it up to her to hold the boundary.

That sounds wonderful.

I do wish you lots of luck and hope you can bring yourself to open up about it. Hugs.

[ouinonpeutetre]

I'm beginning to heal, I think. I've had about a three week break so far, and will not see her for another week and a half. At first, it was very difficult (the first five days)... unbelievably so. I kept wanting to contact her, but I restrained myself, and it got easier.

It could also be that T emailed me today to ask if I would like an appointment with her (Sent from her iPhone, which means she was thinking about me on the go?! lol). We had left it pretty open before. It was nice to be contacted and not have to do the contacting myself.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

Yes. I'm not saying things are perfect now, but when I started in therapy I was constantly convinced my T was right about to get fed up with me at any moment, and I oscillated between thinking she cared too much (scary) or that she didn't care at all. I never worry about that any more. Also in the beginning I used to miss my T during breaks so much it was physically painful, I couldn't hold onto an image of her in my mind, and often she would turn evil on me (in my head) halfway through the weekend. By contrast, this week I am taking a week off voluntarily and T is just the same in my head as always, not am I suffering from separation pains.

It really was an agonizing process of learning to take in care, learning to ask for and accept reassurance, learning she wasn't going to get fed up. It wasn't much fun at all but the results are worth it.

How long did this process take for you? I've been seeing my T for a long time now (like 6 months or more...) and I still have all those problems you listed in your post. I still hold back and worry about wasting my T's time. And I still think my problems aren't important enough to talk about. I still cut my T off emotionally sometimes and I don't even always understand why or notice until its already done. I still worry about so much and feel so sad and empty. I want to move forward but I.just.cant. I'm frustrating to myself and my behaviors frustrates T (he told me so). I'm starting to lose hope that I can really be any different than this but I'm trying to hold onto something. Any ideas? Did it just happen for you? How do you learn to take in care and that she wasn't going to get fed up?

[boredporcupine]

Freewilled, I have been in therapy almost 2 years now. 6 months is not a long time when you're talking about healing attachment injuries. It does take time, although there are things you can do to speed up the work...journalling, reflecting, posting on places like here. Another thing that helped me was learning about IFS (internal family systems) and writing down dialogues with different parts of myself. Like, when I noticed a part of myself that wanted to shut down emotionally, I would ask it what it was trying to protect me from, etc. The more you can be empathetic towards yourself and curious about why you act and feel how you do, I think the faster you can change.

[stopdog]

I have a question if I may- did you know you have attachment issues or did the therapist tell you? If the therapist did, do you think they have ideas how to help such a thing?

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I have a question if I may- did you know you have attachment issues or did the therapist tell you? If the therapist did, do you think they have ideas how to help such a thing?

I didn't know I had attachment problems until I became attached to my first T, and then repeated it with all of the others! My Ts all told me it's because of what I missed as an infant--either by being premature, or by my Mom not meeting my needs, or meeting them too well, or whatever.

They said that therapy will help, but I'm really not sure how! My first T thought by attaching to her and slowly separating, I would heal. Unfortunately, I quit her cold turkey after almost 4 years and never healed.

Second T thought talking about my past (psychodynamic/Freudian) would help. Also building up my confidence that I could cope with my life.

Third T thought CBT was the answer, but she and I had a close relationship too.

Next T thought family systems therapy was the cure but she didn't help my attachment problem, and told me that when I quit her.

My current T said that IFS, EMDR, and SE would help all of it. What helped the most is having a close relationship with her, letting myself become totally attached to her, and experiencing what that feels like. Getting some of what I missed by holding her hand. Learning how to comfort the parts that need it, but knowing my T was there too. Sharing my passions for art and writing with her. Feeling like she's always going to be there for me even when I don't see her. I guess that's a secure attachment. It's not perfect, but it's better than I had before.

So, I don't think the Ts had one answer. They each tried to help me with their specific orientation. Attachment issues are difficult to resolve. I don't think you can heal completely from whatever went wrong as an infant, but you can feel better abour yourself and become more comfortable with other people.

[BarbaraM]

it's been a long and slow process. started allowing one event,activity every so often but it was timed and he had to report thru out the time. once i couldn't leave him alone at work for even a few hrs. i'd call to see he got there. call at lunch, rt before he got off, and sometimes one last call which hopefully he was pulling up thr drive. so nxt step was not calling all day unless it was urgent. if i was lucky he'd call me. then i had to loose the stop watch. and alow him to go and come in however much time it could take. even though i felt a monetary time was sufficient. get in get out get it done.i remember the first panic atack i had when he'd left and didn't tell me, where, for what, with who, and i had no idea how long till he'd be back. his cousin helped calm me down,( probably one of the first and only to acctually attemp toand he seemed to know what to do. how? idk. then he asked me what the heck was i freaking out about. when i explained i wasnt possitive but you never know what can happen. he tru his hands up and walked awy laughing. then i felt relly stupid so i had to wrk harder. now he's gone out wityh old friends to agame. and he goes on the internet. but i kinda took a step back when i dicovered girls on his FB. shouldn't have been a big deal but i lost it. so more work is still needed.baby steps.