Discrepancy between T's perception and self-perception

Last session, I was talking about social anxiety issues, one of the most frequent things that I discuss with my T. Part of the way through, she said to me that she doesn't think that I'm mentally ill or that I have any more anxiety than is part of the human condition. At the time, I just felt a little frustrated and like I couldn't get her to understand my situation. She is always telling me that I need to accept myself for who I am, but I always think that I'm abnormal and should be better socially. When I started processing it later that day, I got very angry at her. It seems strange that I'm mad because she said I wasn't mentally ill... but I think the worst part is that she doesn't think I have any more anxiety than is part of the human condition. I don't know how to think about what she said; we've spent a good 3+ years talking about this stuff, and what now? Does she think I even have reason to be there? She said that I'm stuck in an existential way, and she "guesses" that it will just take time to sort through that, but that I am fine. I feel like everything I've been saying was minimized... Has anyone else ever dealt with a discrepancy between how you view yourself and how your T views you?

I don't like it if my T normalizes my stuff for me either. It makes me feel like I shouldn't be there and my T thinks I'm just being silly or something. BUT I don't think that is my T's intention when he does it. I think he's trying to help me see that he empathizes and accepts me - that he understands and I'm not alone in it.

Kinda backfires but its cute that he tries lol

It would make me mad too if I was in your shoes. It would probably be good to try and get some clarification about it from your T next time you meet

That's exactly what I feel like too. It's like a struggle where I'm trying to convince her "yes, I do need to be here!" Let's say that hypothetically I am okay the way that I am... I don't know where to go from here because I've always been under the impression that I needed to change. It has given me a lot to think about. But I think you're right that she was trying to show that she accepts me, especially since a few others in my life do think I'm abnormally socially anxious and have shamed me about it. I do think it's necessary for me to talk to her about this, but I really don't know how to go about it because I just asked for clarification about something last time, and I don't want it to seem like I'm attacking her lately or doubting her. We've never had any conflicts like this come up before (not that this is exactly a conflict).

My T told me that if everyone on his caseload was like me, that his job would be easy. It was totally meant to be a compliment... but I sat there going "Either he thinks I really shouldn't be here, or that I should be able to fix this myself.... or he is going to end up really frustrated and disappointed with me."

Compliment fail!

Haha, aww that is a compliment fail. I would take that the same way that you did. That's kind of how I felt too- like it's so small that I should have been able to fix it a long time ago and shouldn't be so distressed about it.

I looked over some of your earlier posts. Idk about mentally ill or social anxiety, but I would think that, based on your description of your parents, that maybe attachment could be an issue? Also I don't think a college counseling center would be the place to deal with it. Like they can only do so much, get so far into your psyche. But that would help explain the social anxiety. If you don't understand attachment, it would make sense to be anxious about social situations that are meant to lead to attachments like dating and mating. Hence the existential angst - what does this all mean? I couldn't understand what a party "meant". Because when I was growing up, a holiday party meant dressing up in uncomfortable clothes, nobody playing with me, and bringing books to read, and feeling embarrassed about going to the bathroom in a strange house, and wanting to fall asleep and not being allowed to. My parents played cards the whole time and ignored me. I should have been learning that a party could be fun, not torture. That attachments were pleasant, not torture.

Says who? Where is that "should" coming from; was there a test you and I deliberately did poorly on?

I did not have much social practice as a child, did not make many friends, was a good wall flower (except when I was "talking when she should be listening" as my teacher put it on my report card), etc.

Think of one of your daily habits. Does it make you anxious? Why not? Because you started doing it when you were little and did it everyday and it did not change or criticize or talk back or have a mind of its own that you weren't familiar with. Talking to other people can become a daily habit, even though it changes, some people criticize or talk back and they all have minds of their own, most of which we are not familiar with. It's all just education, experience and familiarity. Some things are harder for us to learn and some things easier; just like math or other school subjects.

I don't like stepping forward and introducing myself, I feel like I almost always say my name too softly, like I'm ashamed of it So, I have to practice that. If I practice that, eventually it will become second nature and I won't mind so much. So it's very very very scary; that's not illness, it's just scariness for us. Most of my anxiety is being afraid of being afraid. It's darned uncomfortable. Well, the only way I know of to make the feeling of anxiety go away or become less uncomfortable is to become familiar with whatever thought, feeling, or action is making me feel that way.

Sure there are a lot of outgoing people out there that have no anxiety about meeting others or even just thinking about meeting others. But they may be afraid of being alone or talk too much because they're afraid of silences or be "shallow" without enough sense to be afraid because they're thinking of themselves and not anything at all about others; we all have our individual fears and foibles and that's not illness.

But I need my T to practice with, to see what happens in me when I say ______ or what she responds when I say _________ and how that makes me feel and what thoughts that brings up. Or how to proceed when she says _____ and I feel like ________.

Hankster: Hmm, maybe attachment is more of my issue. That would make sense because I sometimes push people away or don't allow myself to get close to people. I might withhold even basic stories about my day from friends, for example. I see what your'e saying about the college counseling center... I don't think my T really has fancy techniques that she uses. Thank you for your example about the party. I will definitely look into attachment more and learn more about it because I see some similarities in what you are saying.

Perna: Thank you so much- I felt like I was looking for a way to view what my T said in a different light, but I couldn't figure out how to view it. You helped me to see it in a different way. It's okay if I'm not ill, but that doesn't mean that I don't still need her. And it doesn't mean that all of my problems are trivial.

I wonder if I am kind of like the person your T sees you as? I don't think of myself as mentally ill. But yet I am in therapy. I do have some existential issues, some social anxiety, some ADHD that I try to manage, some relationship patterns that aren't healthy. I think people who are not mentally ill can benefit tremendously from therapy!!! I think it would be helpful to discuss with your T about whether she thinks you should be in therapy even if you're not mentally ill. My T has never said I should leave therapy because I wasn't ill. The two don't go hand in hand, necessarily. Perhaps there are some therapists who only want to work with people who are mentally ill. But probably a lot of Ts like to have a mix of clients.

sunrise: Hmm, that does make sense. When she said that, I immediately went into abandonment mode, but maybe to her it's neither here nor there that I'm not mentally ill. The shock of what she said has worn off, and I think you're probably right that she still thinks I should go. But I will definitely bring it up somehow next time.

Just curious, what exactly does "existential issues" mean? Is it just that you are having difficulties knowing your place and purpose in the world? I think I have issues along those lines, but it is very hard to put to words.

Wanting to feel better about your life and make improvements in areas you choose are reasons to be in therapy, to get help with that. Wanting to know yourself better is a reason too, and that can mean challenging your self-perceptions.

I think that the 'usual amount of anxiety' in humans is not one fixed amount, but a continuum, and we might be in therapy to move ourselves to a place along that continuum that feels better to us.

Maybe your T is encouraging you to accept you as you are, and even your anxiety, as you move along to where you want to be.

ECHOES: I like what you said about anxiety being on a continuum. There isn't a set amount of anxiety that everyone experiences. Also, I feel like my T has long been trying to show me that I should accept myself. But I just didn't "get" it until she said this most recent thing to me... it definitely forced me to confront my ideas about myself and to question them. Hopefully this is a step toward accepting myself.

Is there a distinct line between people who are "mentally ill" and those who are not? Isn't it a matter of degree, rather than either or?

That is true, pachyderm. Is there really one threshold dividing one person as mentally ill, and one person as not? Mental disorders themselves are just professionals' conceptions of what is and isn't normal. Definitely food for thought...

I'm not too sure therapists like to pay attention to that perspective, but I think it's true.