[Butterflying]

First I have only talked to my T maybe once for a short time about my moms death (last May). It's always part of the agenda he requires but whenever get to it. One time we had time and he was like "ok talk" which felt cold and like there was pressure. I was like forget it.

Another thing is I have a teenage son who is on the autism spectrum currently with a huge anger problem. I had textd my T during these times for help (he has extensive experience working with adolescents ). The outbursts can get scary for me. My T doesn't want to support me even when this happens. It hurts. I don't expect a lot but just some help.

[Melody_Bells]

Butterflying, every time I read about how cold your T is I imagine how bad it feels, to not be supported with mom loss and son challenges. These are big things going on and your T doesn't seem to hear you!

Is it ok for me to hate your therapist? I'll syop when you want me to.
I just want to fantasize about punching him in the face a few thousand times.

[Victoria'smom]

Is your son in therapy? If you can, get a family therapist that you can call when things get bad. That way you have your T, he has his T, and you have extra support for family issues. Tell him that you really need help in processing your grief but you can't seem to get it out.

[Butterflying]

Thanks for your replies. I feel very supported here. In real life I feel alone and just sad. I do need to find help for my son--he has some, but I need to do more. And when things get bad with my son it scares me--I think I could use someone like a T whom I could text, email, or call to get some feedback at times when my son is going nuts. My T says everytime he gets a text he has to "go back to work". I understand he needs his private time. I know there's a balance. Anyway he also said if I textd him saying I didn't want to live (which I did) and then I actually ended my life it would be devastating to his career--it would be investigated and found he hadn't responded to me. That's partly why he doesn't want me to text that I'm feeling like not going on.

I guess it's complicated. I just can't see myself going in this week unless I convince myself it's in my best interest. I trying to see his side, trying to make sense of what is actually the best for me, but I really find this so hard.

[Asiablue]

If he doesn't want to support clients outside of working hours then he needs to be much clearer on this. I can't believe he actually said that the end of your life would be devastating for his career! wow, he is cold.

Do you feel like you want to stay with this therapist, because honestly i can't see where this therapist is therapeutic!?

[Rive.]

"My T doesn't want to support me even when this happens"
Granted, this might be his policy but does he give you coping skills or strategies for moments when you feel overwhelmed? If not, this would be something to explore with him. I.e. give you something to 'keep you together' in-between sessions, maybe as a temporary fix until you next meet with him. For example a 'support' voicemail that you could replay at such moments etc.

More generally, could you tell him what you need e.g. some gentle encouragement, more attentiveness, or whatever you need really, rather than a simple "ok talk" to get you going? Maybe being (more) explicit as to what you need might help him help you better.

If he is not forthcoming and you need more support in-between sessions, could you look around for some other Ts? From what I gather here your T's style seems rather 'clinical'. You might feel more supported and heard with a T whose style is more caring...

[ultramar]

Hi Butterflying. You could look for another T that allows texting, but it's possible that you will eventually end up with the same problem of doing therapy through texting, which most therapists prefer to discourage. This may not be an issue of some arbitrary rule, and one indicating that he doesn't care about you, but something that actually does indicate he cares -he cares enough to actively encourage you to talk about these issues in person, when he can really and truly help you, rather than through text, through which he may well feel he can't help you in the ways you need.

You say he doesn't support you regarding your son specifically in the context of being unwilling to help you with this by text. Again, just because he doesn't want to address such a huge and complex issue as this through text, doesn't mean he doesn't support and care about you. Do you bring it up in session and does he help you there? I think it might be helpful to focus on ways he helps you in therapy. And maybe try to remember how he has supported and helped you through these many years regarding sui. I don't know exactly what he said about the professional implications for him, but I suspect that's not the only point of view he's shared with you.

If you text him that you want to end your life, I don't see how he can truly help you with this through text. In some ways it might be irresponsible to try to do so -with all of the misunderstandings that could ensue, this could actually drive someone to complete the act, or at least to spiral even further.

There was a mention of coping skills. You said once that he has encouraged you to use the skills you've worked on in therapy to get you through those difficult times between sessions and when you get the urge to text. I know it's not always effective, and is something that has to be worked on, steps back, steps forward, but it does sound like he is and has tried to help you with skills to deal with the texting issue -in other words, he hasn't just abandoned you, with no skills to help you through it.

I'm sorry he sounded so cold regarding talking about your mother's death. Maybe you can share with him how you interpreted what he said, how it made you feel. Getting this resolved/out of the way may help you to go on to talk about your mother's death in ways that will help you.

I hope you can continue to share with him how the texting issue and others make you feel, so you can potentially work it out. You could, of course, look for another T, but then the question to ask yourself would be if the same dynamics may play themselves out again with another therapist. It may be better to work out these dynamics within the context of this therapeutic relationship. But you will ultimately know best what route to take.

[Butterflying]

Originally Posted by Melody_Bells

Butterflying, every time I read about how cold your T is I imagine how bad it feels, to not be supported with mom loss and son challenges. These are big things going on and your T doesn't seem to hear you!

He really doesn't seen to hear me. I don't feel like he is being sensitive to my needs.

[Butterflying]

I've read all your replies. First I appreciate your responses. It is probable that my T cares. He said it wasn't good for me to rely on him to feel better. At the same time he has let his anger show and loses his patience with me. That part hurts and I think it's true that he should be talking to a supervisor or coworker to help him not become so resentful.

It's his anger and insensitivity that gets to me. He is smart and gives good direction--it's his delivery. He also likes sarcasm. He thinks he's funny. When it's directed at me I don't. We've had that conversation several times too.

I am still on the fence about my appt which is tomorrow. I think I don't want to subject myself to him. Then I think I could write down things that have been hurtful. Then I could read it or use it as I tell him face to face.

He might not even be considering that he hurt me.

I know I'm getting sick of it all.

[peaches100]

Originally Posted by Butterflying

I've read all your replies. First I appreciate your responses. It is probable that my T cares. He said it wasn't good for me to rely on him to feel better. At the same time he has let his anger show and loses his patience with me. That part hurts and I think it's true that he should be talking to a supervisor or coworker to help him not become so resentful.

It's his anger and insensitivity that gets to me. He is smart and gives good direction--it's his delivery. He also likes sarcasm. He thinks he's funny. When it's directed at me I don't. We've had that conversation several times too.

I am still on the fence about my appt which is tomorrow. I think I don't want to subject myself to him. Then I think I could write down things that have been hurtful. Then I could read it or use it as I tell him face to face.

He might not even be considering that he hurt me.

I know I'm getting sick of it all.

Hi Butterflying,

I can understand why you feel upset. If you are a sensitive person like I am, "delivery" is just as important as the verbal message itself. It's in the delivery that we pick up on our t's attitudes and emotions towad us. I don't like sarcasm either.

I think you've summed up the problem well -- by stating that your t provides helpful direction that you value -- but that the way he delivers the messages to you is upsetting to you. I think you have every right to tell him this, although you might need to explain to him what exactly it is about his delivery that you don't like (he may not see it!)

While he is certainly entitled to speak the way he wants to, if his goal is to develop a healthy t relationships that fosters respect and forward movement, he needs to be concerned about how his behaviors affect you.

Please let us know how things go.

Peaches

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Butterflying

I've read all your replies. First I appreciate your responses. It is probable that my T cares. He said it wasn't good for me to rely on him to feel better. At the same time he has let his anger show and loses his patience with me. That part hurts and I think it's true that he should be talking to a supervisor or coworker to help him not become so resentful.

It's his anger and insensitivity that gets to me. He is smart and gives good direction--it's his delivery. He also likes sarcasm. He thinks he's funny. When it's directed at me I don't. We've had that conversation several times too.

I am still on the fence about my appt which is tomorrow. I think I don't want to subject myself to him. Then I think I could write down things that have been hurtful. Then I could read it or use it as I tell him face to face.

He might not even be considering that he hurt me.

I know I'm getting sick of it all.

It doesn't sound to me like this T is a good fit for you. Personally, I'd be looking for somebody new.