Listening

I'm feeling totally frustrated at the moment thanks to seeing two medical doctors who showed they obviously weren't listening to me; it is also something I grew up with and have mostly experienced a strong sense of not being listened to; and that it was never my time or place to talk. Sometimes it seems such a strong need as well; that desire to have someone listen ... really listen.

Current T has good listening skills and is good at validating (really the first person to teach me what validation is); but I find that it is a really touchy and sensitive area for both of us. I seem to be totally hypersensitive on this issue and overreact easily to any sign that he isn't listening or is cutting what I want to say off (real or imagined signs). I also often leap to conclusions such as that he doesn't believe me (life time experience of being dismissed); or I can't talk because I get stuck with thinking that what I have to say isn't important or shouldn't be said ... I was told those things so many times that it is hard to believe differently and impacts even therapy in negative ways. It also impacts conversations with anyone else where I struggle with being listened to; and with the sense of having the freedom to talk. Another problem I have with being listened to is the sense of nobody understanding what I say; which all leads to feeling unsafe with sharing a lot of the time

Think I'm writing now to see if anyone can relate or give suggestions of what might help; or if you've struggled with similar issues, what has helped you?

I can completely relate my now ex T had horrible listening skills. Even my mother commented on this on one session as she felt meeting my mother would help her know me better. After 5 sessions with her or so I felt we were going no where I knew more about her past and her failures and achievements than how to get through my own struggles.

Thankfully she referred me to a young adult group in which the therapist who facilitates that is amazing and I decided to make her my new therapist. She also even offered to call my now Ex T and let her know about the transfer, such a huge relief.

How long have you been with current t? This post would be a good thing to share. I feel I made a breakthrough on this point when I found some books by a t from my ethnic group - Italian american - dr peter b - im gonna have to look it up. I used it to help me explain myself to my t.

Tigergirl - I haven't experienced what you have in such extreme of not being listened to but I do have an inkling of the feelings you might have.

One of the things that propelled me to see a therapist was the need for someone to HEAR me and LISTEN. My T is very very very good at that. She talks very little and only when I ask a question or sometimes she will ask a question to help me get better in touch with my feelings.

It is soooooooo healing to be heard and I'm sorry you don't experience that much. I hope you feel heard a bit here on PC

Hugs

I am super sensitive about this too, for similar reasons. It just takes time and open communication with your T.

So glad you have a new T and hope this works out really well for you

thanks hankster; please do look him up and let me know who the author was sounds like something that might help me. Current T i've been with for over two years; but I still have major sensitivity with listening issues I think at the moment I'm just more aware of how much issues connected with listening can set me off

thanks Sky i'm so glad you've found that with your T ... and that she is a good listener AND hearer! I've noticed they don't always go together

even with what you shared; the talking little would sometimes make me think that the person on the other end wasn't really listening or that I was boring them and I'd start to worry that I'd done something wrong etc (I get to that point very easily of worrying i've done something wrong)

thanks for sharing something of your experience ... has it improved for you over time?

Being ignored is a huge thing with me. In person my ts have never made me feel ignored but I have a hard when emails go unresponded to.

I'm glad your current t listens. It will get easier and easier to open up as she continues to validate your feelings.

Thanks Nerak ... I don't like emails being unresponded to either and can relate to being ignored being a big thing

Tigergirl - I could have written your post!!

My current T is the first person that I've ever felt really listened to me and validated me. Even after 4 years, it's still hard to share with her. It's like I have this filter between my brain and mouth and everything I say has to pass through that filter to decide if what I'm saying is important enough, makes sense, is okay to share...etc.

I think, for me, the only thing that has helped is just taking the risk of sharing. I started out with small things with friends, and I'm still very careful about sharing. Every time I took a tiny risk and shared something, and felt listened to and validated, it made it easier to take a bigger risk. With my T, I often check with her to make sure that she understands what I'm saying. Also, when I'm being hesitant about sharing, sometimes, I'll just take a deep breath and blurt it out (really hard to do!!) and sometimes I will remind myself that she's always listened to me so far and I can trust her to continue to do so. I think, really, it's just been a lot of practice to get to this point.

I'm fortunate to have had, and have, Ts who are good listeners. I tend to talk over people, and my Ts have all commented on it. They always stop talking when I start, though, which reassures me that they do want to listen to me.

I think it stems from the same thing; I feel like I'm NOT heard, that people aren't listening to me, that I'm not important enough to be listened to, that what I have to say isn't "good enough". That happens in RL but not in therapy. It's always a shock when I find that people actually DO listen to me.

I wish I had some good suggestions for you. You are certainly as worthy as anyone else to be heard and listened to. I think you have to keep telling your T how important it is for you, and keep checking with him if you feel he isn't listening.

Have people told you they don't understand what you're saying? Do you have any idea why? Maybe you're just smarter and think more deeply than the other person! If your T tells you this, it would be helpful to find out exactly what is confusing him so he can help you word it differently, maybe.

I am very sensitive to whether someone is really listening to me or not. I attune naturally (or not). So, I can sense immediately when I've 'lost' someone, especially my T.

One time is session I perceived that my T was not 'there' with me and I accused her of that. She confessed that it was true and we determined that she was matching somehow or another my own presence. I also was not 'there'.

My T absolutely is able to be PRESENT and I feel it. She's very talented in that regard.

If I felt people weren't listening, I just assumed I wasn't worth it. It never went further than that in my head. I never felt anything else because that would have meant I believed I should be heard/understood and I had been so trodden down that never seemed an option.
I think knowing your not being heard or understood speaks of an awareness, something not there for me.
Use your awareness