[JustAPixie]

I know I might just be paranoid, but I have been getting the feeling that my T doesn;t believe me. I think I said too much too soon. I want to end it, but I don't have the strenght to go to yet another T... I want to ask him if he believes me, but I'm afraid asking that will just lead him to think I'm lying. I spent the whole session on Monday worrying about my actions and words, wondering if I look left if it is a sign of lying... I don't know what to do!!! I don't know him well enough to ask him what he thinks just yet... I just don't know, I don't want to lose him because I think he is very capable and have a lot of potential. I'm just so scared.

The other thing I worry about... is physical contact normal in therapy??? Nothing weird or explicit, but he hugs me and it makes me very uncomfortable. I told him this but he said he's gonna keep doing it untill I trust him... AAAAAAAHHHHHHH I hate therapy!!!!!!!!

one way you can find out what your therapist thinks is by asking to see your file. just tell him you are curious as to what the file system looks like and how detailed he gets. as long as you are over 18 it is your mental health right to see upon your request your file and go over it with your therapist. As long as you are over 18 he cannot withhold going over your file and treatment plans with you.

yes some therapists are physical of sharing the fact that they support and care about what you are going through by holding, hugs and so on. But if you are not comfortable you do have a right to say to him I don't want to be touched right now. I have told many therapists not to touch me and I have asked a few therapists to hold me and have had therapists that show me they care by giving me a hug or a touch on my shoulder, hand or arm.

If he is not respecting your saying no then that is the time to report him to his supervisor because that can be considered abusive and against mental health guidelines.

Doesn't believe you about what?

Regarding the hugs...

I think it is up to you...

I can understand someone saying what he did full of good intentions...

But then again I can understand someone feeling like that is not the right way to go about building trust.

If you really do feel uncomfortable about the hugs then you are indeed well within your rights to say 'I don't think that this is the way to go about building trust with me'.

Some therapists... Are good at building rapport / trust by emotionally holding patients with their voices.

Use of touch is very controversial. I think... Sometimes it helps and sometimes it does not help. If you feel a little uncomfortable... It could help. If you feel a lot uncomfortable then you are well within your rights to say 'no'.

[JonB]

Not sure about finding out if your T believes you. Of course, if you ask I'm sure you'll, at the very least, get into a discussion about why you wonder if he believes you (even if you don't find out if he does).
No suggestions on the hugging. I would hate that myself, but no T has ever tried to hug me - must be a gender thing.
Just thinking of the lying and the hugging put together - I don't think I would hug anyone I thought was lying, but that's just me. Good luck.

[wisewoman]

Tanya, stright out ask him, send a note between sessions and ask him if he believes you. I can understand why you would question that. I have feared that so much as well early on with my T. So he has the note asking if he believes you and it's gotta be out in the open. As for the hugging, if your boundary is no then it is NO HUGGING until YOU want it.

[skittles]

my last t i had acted as if she didnt believe me either..... i told her about my anger issuses and that i need to work on it and shes said i was to sweet to have anger problems and brushed it off... i found a new t.. but dont seem to be clicking with her..... so i know how u feel

[complic8d]

About the hug. That's a boundary issue. If you are uncomfortable about them then t should not insist. I have hugged my t before, but the last time she suggested it I told her I just couldn't. I knew I would fall apart and that's not how I wanted to leave the session. I went home and journaled on the topic and let her hear some of it at the next session. I just wanted her to know it was me and not her.

[(JD)]

I'm sorry you are doubting your T on whether or not you are believed. But believed about what? Anyway, it doesn't really matter what the T believes, because the T functions according to what YOU believe, and goes from there

I would suggest that you tell the T NOT to hug you and that you will learn to trust sooner that way. If the T respects your expressed wishes, that will show you how much the T cares about your autonomy. If the T refuses, then yes, it is time to find another one.

Therapy is to be all about the patient. The T has nothing personally vested in the session, and is there to find where you are and to guide you to where you need to be. It's the knowing of where you need to be (along with where you say you want to be) that is why you see and pay for the expert. Take care.

[Hopefull]

I agree. If you are not comfortable with hugs. Then tell T. T should respect your autonomy.
My T offered a hug once when I mentioned that I started crying because I only get a few hugs per week. But I said, "No." I feel like I don't want to increase my dependence on her any further than it already is.

[JustAPixie]

Thank you all for your responses...

I know asking him is a good idea, but he won't answer me truthfully if he think I was lying, would he? I like the idea of asking him to see my file...

The whole hugging thing... I'm afraid to say no, because I'm afraid he will end the therapy because I don't trust him... I feel extremely uncomfortable, but when I think about it, I would rather have it that way than no hugging...

Good math JonB... what if he hugs me because he is attracted to me and not because he cares? How will I ever know?

[JonB]

---Good math JonB... what if he hugs me because he is attracted to me and not because he cares? How will I ever know? ---

Hmmmm...that's a tough one. I guess you just have to ask yourself if he seems like the type that is reputable enough not to act on attraction if he had it or is he the type that would act unethically? I wouldn't say the hugging is necessarily attraction unless there are other clues to that as well. I hug people I'm not attracted to, especially to comfort them (not if they're lying, of course).

On another note - about the looking at your file. I was told - don't know if it's true because I never looked into it further - that when you request to see your file, a doc is only required to show you diagnosis and treatment information and not session notes. Like I said, that could be complete crap and it probably varies in different countries and states. Plus, when I asked, it was in reference to treatment during hospitalization, so that might make a difference too. I think it would be cool for a client to be able to read their own file, but I'm not sure how many docs would agree to that.

Hope things work out for you. Can't wait to find out what he says/does...

Here that is not true a client can at any time enter their therapy agency and ask to see their complete file. They can't remove that file from the agency building but can stay there in an unused room and read their file and make copies of their own file.

As far as I know that is nationwide but anyone that wants to see their mental health file who is over the age of 18 can contact their mental health agency and thier district mental health agency that over sees their areas mental health rules, guidelines and right of ethics. You can also contact your state board of licensed and certified socail workers who can also tell you what the code is in case your therapy agency refuses you access to your file when in treatment with that agency. I have lived in 15 different states here in the USA and have always asked to see my file while in therapy with that therapist and have never been denied access to my complete file. Sometimes my therapists went through it page by page with me and sometimes I was handed the file and shown into a room where I could sit down and read it while my therapist was in the building so that if I had any questions my therapist would be able to answer those questions before I left the building.

Once a person ends treatment here and in 15 other states where I have lived the therapy agency send copies of the file to the present therapist and the present therapist would allow the client access.

[(JD)]

I think you are projecting many of your fears onto your T. Why should he end therapy with you because of these issues? If he did, then he's a pervert! (no, he isn't is he? why would he insist on touching you and being so put out over your protecting your personal space since he is a professional? He won't.) You will know to trust your T when you insist that you are not into hugging at this time, and he respects you for the decision. Good boundaries are one of the most necessary elements of being able to progress in therapy. YOU need to know where the boundaries are, that they are where they keep you safe, and that the T will not move them.

Asking to see your file won't do much good, I think. Ts usually keep more than one file, the main one is for the insurance company which, yes, you could get your diagnosis codes from it, but little else.

Viewing your records may do you more harm than good, and any T worth his salt would do what he could to talk you out of it, imo. You know the line,"You can't handle the truth?" Yeah. You already know how you feel, why do you need to see something in writing that you can't fully understand, don't agree with, or otherwise would become distressed over? No, not a good idea, imo.

The autonomy of the therapist and the expectation that the therapist operates under what they deem best for the client/patient is what generally reigns.

I think you are better off working on helping the T learn how to help you, what makes you uncomfortable and what the T can do to help you feel at ease.

What do you think?

[Perna]

Sky's thought of projection is interesting to me too because I was thinking since you don't trust him yet hugging, you've decided it's not you but him, with the problem of not believing you. Instead of getting into the whole hugging issue with him, afraid you'll lose him, you've just switched the problem so you have control again. How can he "prove" he believes you if you have already decided anything he says would be to protect himself and that he won't tell you the truth?

Were I you, I'd tell him he can't hug you "anyway" until he discusses/explains how he feels his hugging you will get you to trust him, what he means by that and how it will work. To me, that the whole tension thing surrounding the hug sounds like a "will struggle" he has walked you into and I wouldn't trust just out of sheer refusal to be "wrong"/give in. He's going to "make" you trust him with his hugs and you're going to "refuse" to let him believe you.

[Sarah116]

Awwww my shrinks would never hug me they say that it would not be normal because they are not family or very very very best friends to me. I do that sometimes, it really is not nice how they judge you so much! It made me uncomfortable a few months ago when my old shrink talked to me he got very close to me and talk in a soft high pitched voice. I suggest if you cannot do it face to face use email or the telephone. I am wishing you luck and hoping things go well for you!

[Sarah116]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
TanyaGrave said:
Thank you all for your responses...

I know asking him is a good idea, but he won't answer me truthfully if he think I was lying, would he? I like the idea of asking him to see my file...

The whole hugging thing... I'm afraid to say no, because I'm afraid he will end the therapy because I don't trust him... I feel extremely uncomfortable, but when I think about it, I would rather have it that way than no hugging...

Good math JonB... what if he hugs me because he is attracted to me and not because he cares? How will I ever know?

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> One time my psychologist let me see my file, I was stunned with amazement! Sometimes you just have to admit you are a bit curious.

[Randy33]

>>>The whole hugging thing... I'm afraid to say no, because I'm afraid he will end the therapy because I don't trust him... I feel extremely uncomfortable, but when I think about it, I would rather have it that way than no hugging...>>>

The cornerstone and foundation of therapy is trust and honesty as well as respect. Without those things, I don't think there is much chance, if any, of therapy being successful. If you are not being honest with your therapist, what it the point of going to therapy? And I certainly couldn't/wouldn't work with a therapist I didn't trust.

You need to be honest about your feelings and if your therapist is offended or is not honest with you or does not respect your feelings and wishes, it is best to find that out as soon as possible so you can move on to another therapist who is, otherwise you are just waisting your time and money.

You might want to examine if gender is an issue for you. It is not for some and others are more comfortable working with someone of the same gender.

Remember, doctors and therapists work for you. You hire then and you can fire them. We wouldn't think twice about terminating a bad hair stylist or mechanic or contractor, why should a doctor or therapist be any different?

Good Luck, I hope it works out and if it doesn't, don't be afraid to move on until you find the right person for you whom you can really trust. Sometimes it takes several tries before we find the person who is right for us. Don't settle until you do.

[LILITH]

I agree, ask to see your file...... A T should never touch you unless you have invited him to do so. But since you have told him that makes you uncomfortable he should respect your wishes......

Hi there. I'm sorry you feel as if your T doesn't believe you. That must be very frustrating and worrisome.

I am just starting with a new T. She is wonderful and I liked her and felt right off that I'd be able to trust her. But... I also was afraid she would not believe me. So at my last session I said told her. I told her separately my 2 biggest fears: that she would leave me suddenly and that she wouldn't believe me. She was very reassuring in her reply to both of my statements. Will I stop worrying? Probably not but now I have her reassuring replies to think about when I do.

I hope you will tell your T that you are feeling this way. It is important to you and it is important to talk about.

[JustAPixie]

JonB - What does a man who is lookimg for some nookie look like? Normal? I don't think he will try anything, but I just don't want him to think about it... I just want to be another file that he puts away at the end of the day...

Myself, I live in another country and I think that I would have to get a court order to see my file... I don't really know. I'll find out on Monday when I see him again.

Sky... projecting... yes definately, is it healthy? He hugs me because he says he wants to show me that it is nothing more... I can't really touch other people and he wants to teach me to do it. For me touching is linked with sexual stuff. I don't think I have the guts to ask him to see my file, and in the end you are right, what good can come of it? I just want to know if he wrote "big fat lie" in bold across the front page.

Perna... very interesting, I haven't though of that. It might be, but I still want to believe that it is two separate issues... I don't know...

Sarah... I think we should switch shrinks!!! I must admit, I am curious about my file, but I think that relates to my insecurity of what other people think of me, which I know shouldn't govern my life.

Randy, (nice to meet you). I dont' want to switch T's. Gender is an issue, that's why I go to a male T. I have a bad relationship with my mom and my sister and my therapy with females didn't work because of that. I think Perna had a point with the whole "power struggle" thing. I've been thinking about it all week and I came to a shocking question... what if I want to hug him back? Will I have lost the battle? I like my T, he is very good in what he does, a bit unorthodox, but good.

Lilith... every aspect of therapy of makes me uncomfortable, maybe this is just a learning curve in the end?

[JustAPixie]

Thanks echoes, I just missed you in my reply. I was thinking, maybe I should ask my T that whether he believes me or not, that he treats me as if he does, and that we can make a little agreement... I will continue therapy his way and be honest if he will not abandon me. If I dislike what he is doing, I want the freedom of saying it without the fear of rejection....

Talk to him too about the fear of rejection. I think both issues are important for us to understand and resolve about our T and that they have far-reaching effects in our lives/thinking.

When my T said twice "I'm not going anywhere." and expanded on that a bit, I felt so relieved! I'm glad I said it to her.

Let me know how it goes if you decide to talk about it with him. It might just open up a whole new avenue to travel with him...

[JustAPixie]

I see him agian tomorrow... I'm a bit nervous, but I'll keep you updated.