[ShrinkPatient]

So tonight has been a bad night. I've been trying to stay completely sober. I spent 6 months last year being completely drunk to avoid my problems. I have had a couple instances in the past year but I've had another tonight.
I purchased a small bottle of Grey Goose before I went to see a movie that was dispose to be special to me and someone significant. I drank at the last movie ( this one is a sequel). I don't know if I'll ever get passed this relationship.
I emailed my T that I wasn't doing so well but before she could reply, I bought the vodka. I pretty much tell on myself and I did so again because I emailed her again after she emailed me and I eluded to the fact that it was too late and I already purchased alcohol. I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow because I'm ashamed of my behavior and my pathetic weakness. She's going to be so disappointed.
I really should skip it for the next couple appointments....FML

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[Petra5ed]

But wouldn't she be more disappointed if you flake out on therapy too? I hear you though, I'm going through a similar type struggle myself, just not with alcohol. Having my T is very motivating, but also makes it more embarrassing and noticeable when I mess up and show that I cant control myself. I want to make T proud, yep that sounds pathetic but it's true. I'm going to therapy tomorrow too. If it makes you feel better, I am all prepped up for a super awkward one myself. I keep reminding myself though, T's must see crazy people all day so I have some wiggle room to make mistakes. Did you learn anything? Maybe something good can come of the experience...

[growlycat]

These are the times where T can help you minimize the damage. Even when I screw up I know it would be much worse without therapy to pull me back from the brink (for me, T keeps me in line re managing a chronic health problem. Without him, I'd probably say "F-it!!!" and give up)

[ShrinkPatient]

Originally Posted by growlycat

These are the times where T can help you minimize the damage. Even when I screw up I know it would be much worse without therapy to pull me back from the brink (for me, T keeps me in line re managing a chronic health problem. Without him, I'd probably say "F-it!!!" and give up)

I feel like giving up tonight. I feel like I'll never be well. My T is amazing and probably would pull me back form the brink of destruction. However, she has to be sick to death of intervening. I'm way too much work and I'm not really worth the effort. I want to say efff-it!!!
Giving in would be so much easier and it'd probably save both My T & I from pointless endeavors... I hate disappoint her because I care about her very deeply!!!!
I'm such a failure!!!!!

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[ShrinkPatient]

*death

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[growlycat]

T probably cares a lot about you. They are trained to try and try and try and try and try again.
Let her help you. You are worth it.

[growlycat]

I know it sounds trite, corny etc but it's like that proverb "fall down 7 times, get up 8"

Hugs!

[Freewilled]

Oh, SP! I hear your feelings of being a failure and like T is tired of this i have been there and it is such a sad place for me to be in. I think going to see your T will be hard, but super important - because you ARE worth it. You made a mistake but nobody's perfect and your T will want to help you to change the things you want to change. She can help you to explore what happened and what it really means about you. I know in my heart it does NOT mean you are not worth it or a failure

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ShrinkPatient

I feel like giving up tonight. I feel like I'll never be well. My T is amazing and probably would pull me back form the brink of destruction. However, she has to be sick to death of intervening. I'm way too much work and I'm not really worth the effort. I want to say efff-it!!!
Giving in would be so much easier and it'd probably save both My T & I from pointless endeavors... I hate disappoint her because I care about her very deeply!!!!
I'm such a failure!!!!

((patient))

I have felt like this many times. But it wasn't pointless. I persisted and I did get better.

I'm sober 10yrs. Alcoholics drink than seek out someone to hear their 'crime'. When I say it's a 'game' I don't mean a conscious game. But it's a persona we adopt.
Some swap that persona for the persona of the alcoholic in 'AA'.
For me I had to drop the whole think. I just become someone who chooses not to use alcohol to cope.
I doubt your T will be disappointed. They're not surprised by any thing.
But it does take courage to put down the cloak of helpless alcoholic and face our real problems.
Good luck.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I don't really know the ins and outs of alcoholism, so I'm sorry if this is wrong. But you said it was a small bottle of vodka? So, if you've spent the last six months wasted, does this mean a small bottle won't make you drunk - just slightly tipsy? If that's the case then that's got to be good - that you weren't totally steaming drunk, that yes okay you had a drink, but there's definitely a difference in having a drink and being far too drunk.

I know this doesn't apply in all situations, I know some people have to be teetotal to stay in control. But, if all you've had is a naggin of vodka so far, and are feeling discontented about that and have therapy tomorrow to motivate you to not get drunk, then don't catastrophize it. You can get support at therapy - don't cancel!!

I say that as someone who got drunk to the point of oblivion at the weekend. I drink socially, but about three times a year get over excited and go too far and have a disastrous night