This what i want to discuss with my T next session. I'm struggling actually getting my head around it. I want to trust him but I still feel he has the power and I need to trust that he will not use that power to harm me in anyway. I want to discuss the fact that I think he has a majority share of the power at the moment but i'm just not sure how he will use it. How do I discuss something like this. I haven't explained myself very well. I'm still reeling from the last session which was a catch-up session but raised many issues.
He now knows things that only my brother and I have shared. I feel slightly ashamed just looking at him.

[Daeva]

I have felt the same thing! For me it's very frustrating and humbling. I remember one session angrily spouting out "You know everything about me and I know nothing about you--except you really like cows!"

If he's a good T he will understand, that is how it is in every T/client relationship (Or how it's suppose to be anyway), unfortunately for us clients. My T handled it well, and if he's a good T so will he. He won't use it for his own benefit

[feralkittymom]

BPA, if I remember correctly, you often have lengthy breaks between sessions, and a lot of uncertainty about whether you can keep seeing him? If that's true, the fact that you could be so open and revealing is pretty amazing. Maybe it's not a real power imbalance that worries you, but just the heightened vulnerable feelings after being revealing that shake your feeling of connection. I think a lot of trust is related to consistency, so when you can't have consistency, the relationship starts to feel skewed. But it really is a perception, more than a reality.

Yes FKM You are right, one of the things we talked about last session was my need for consistency, he even jokingly said something about hopefully having the same person everytime. But thats what I do everytime we begin a session I have to make sure the room is the same room and he hasn''t changed. It is disastrous when he changes his appearance. He had his haircut a couple of weeks ago and it shook me up a bit, I felt like asking him to give advance notice of any personal grooming changes he does. I realise this is unrealistic as I have no control over his personal life, but a bit of advance notice would help.

Thanks for your insight yet again FKM.

[healingme4me]

Yeah, but you pay part of his paycheck. Power, about equal

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Yeah, but you pay part of his paycheck. Power, about equal

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

I disagree. He has had to put a stop to patients being referred to him. He can easily replace me with someone who is capable of paying the full fee.

[FeelingOpaque]

That's one of my problems in general, the feeling that if you put yourself in someones hands they'll just let you drop.

If he is a worthwhile therapist he would fully understand that feeling and find a way ro resolve it.

[elliemay]

FKM and I agree on this. There is an illusion of a power differential that is somewhat propogated by the therapy insitution itself, but it simply doesn't exist in my opinion - except in inpatient situations. Outpatient therapy? I just don't buy it.

You control the session, what you say, when you leave etc... In fact, you hold the power over whether he hurts you or not AND how you react to it should (or when to be precise) that happens. You are by no means at your therapist's mercy. You are your own person in and out of therapy.

Yes the therapist may know more about all this stuff than you do, but if they didn't you wouldn't even be there right?

Knowing more does not equate to having power. It equates to knowing more.

The only power differential that exists in that room is what you allow to occur.

This fact may be hard to hear as we can feel as though we have no power at all to influence our surroundings in general, much less in therapy.

However, I would encourage you to just "try on" the fact that you do. Ask yourself, "what would it feel like if there were no power differential? What would it feel like if I assumed my own control?'

Just try that exercise, perhaps with your therapist.

I think you might be surprised at what you discover about yourself!

[BonnieJean]

Interesting perspective, elliemay. Boundaries feel like power to me.

[feralkittymom]

BJ, I think boundaries can be an expression of power, but don't you also have boundaries? You may choose not to articulate them, or even to act on them, but don't they exist?

[Fartraveler]

Originally Posted by elliemay

FKM and I agree on this. There is an illusion of a power differential that is somewhat propogated by the therapy insitution itself, but it simply doesn't exist in my opinion - except in inpatient situations. Outpatient therapy? I just don't buy it.

You control the session, what you say, when you leave etc... In fact, you hold the power over whether he hurts you or not AND how you react to it should (or when to be precise) that happens. You are by no means at your therapist's mercy. You are your own person in and out of therapy.

Yes the therapist may know more about all this stuff than you do, but if they didn't you wouldn't even be there right?

Knowing more does not equate to having power. It equates to knowing more.

The only power differential that exists in that room is what you allow to occur.

This fact may be hard to hear as we can feel as though we have no power at all to influence our surroundings in general, much less in therapy.

However, I would encourage you to just "try on" the fact that you do. Ask yourself, "what would it feel like if there were no power differential? What would it feel like if I assumed my own control?'

Just try that exercise, perhaps with your therapist.

I think you might be surprised at what you discover about yourself!

My T said much the same. I always complained about the fact that she had all the power and I had none. But she just shook her head. "I don't have any power except what you give me."

[Rosondo]

Depends on the patient and the therapist. If I have a lot of money and several therapists available and not a serious mental health issue, then I have all the power. If I'm strapped for cash, if I have a serious mental health issue, if there is only one therapist who is willing to accept lower payment or lives close enough or has the time to fit me in, then s/he has much more power. There is no need to convince yourself that you have all the power if you don't in reality.

Sometimes there are imbalances of power in life. Sometimes we need to trust someone. When you are unconscious under the hands of a surgeon, you have very little power. At least nothing immediately (you or your family can sue the guy later if he makes makes a blatant error). Issues of power come up very often in therapy. Some patients and even sometimes the therapists too try to deny it. Sure, it may be that you're mistaken and you have more power than you have assumed. Or may not be the case. Regardless I think it's useful to think about it.

Also, to say someone has more power, may be very much context dependent. A psychiatrist might have the power to commit someone against their will. But the same psychiatrist might feel quite powerless when his/her car breaks down one night while on vacation and is at the mercy of some crook of a mechanic.

There is also the issue of if the power is legit. A good therapist having power is fine to me. Imagine dealing with a bitter secretary though. Like if you're applying for a job and are a little short with her, she will throw your resume in the trash. These kinds of people who feel powerless and bitter are the worst. They will make your life miserable. They will not let you forget that they have power over you.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by Rosondo

Depends on the patient and the therapist. If I have a lot of money and several therapists available and not a serious mental health issue, then I have all the power. If I'm strapped for cash, if I have a serious mental health issue, if there is only one therapist who is willing to accept lower payment or lives close enough or has the time to fit me in, then s/he has much more power. There is no need to convince yourself that you have all the power if you don't in reality.

Sometimes there are imbalances of power in life. Sometimes we need to trust someone. When you are unconscious under the hands of a surgeon, you have very little power. At least nothing immediately (you or your family can sue the guy later if he makes makes a blatant error). Issues of power come up very often in therapy. Some patients and even sometimes the therapists too try to deny it. Sure, it may be that you're mistaken and you have more power than you have assumed. Or may not be the case. Regardless I think it's useful to think about it.

Also, to say someone has more power, may be very much context dependent. A psychiatrist might have the power to commit someone against their will. But the same psychiatrist might feel quite powerless when his/her car breaks down one night while on vacation and is at the mercy of some crook of a mechanic.

There is also the issue of if the power is legit. A good therapist having power is fine to me. Imagine dealing with a bitter secretary though. Like if you're applying for a job and are a little short with her, she will throw your resume in the trash. These kinds of people who feel powerless and bitter are the worst. They will make your life miserable. They will not let you forget that they have power over you.

I certainly agree that once inpatient anything comes into play then all bets are off. The power differential exists.

For me, though, one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling trapped.

Ironically, getting rid of that feeling was also one of the hardest things I ever did. What I learned is that there really isn't a trap. There is just an easier, more convenient (although sucky) way, or a harder way to get to the same place. There are always options.

Trapped was a mindset for me. I still fall back into it today.

ETA: Bitter secretaries are the worst. Bitter, lazy anything is the worst. You're not going to get anything out of them if you rely on them to do their job because it's their job. What I've found is that if there is a roadblock in my way, well, with enough time, you do catch more flies with honey. Showing appreciation and positive reinforcement when they do *anything* right helps a lot.

[Rosondo]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I certainly agree that once inpatient anything comes into play then all bets are off. The power differential exists.

For me, though, one of the worst feelings in the world is feeling trapped.

Ironically, getting rid of that feeling was also one of the hardest things I ever did. What I learned is that there really isn't a trap. There is just an easier, more convenient (although sucky) way, or a harder way to get to the same place. There are always options.

Trapped was a mindset for me. I still fall back into it today.

Yes I understand. I think so many different mental health issues (e.g. past abuse or present depression), bring about a sense of powerlessness that is quite tenacious. So I think whether it's feeling trapped or powerless in some shape or form, it is important to work through them. And that means both acknowledging the present reality, which may mean actual powerlessness, and influence of past, which can play out in therapy.

[elliemay]

Even though it's easy to lapse into the trapped midset, I simply do not understand the concept of powerlessness or the idea that we have to remain in that mindset. Nor will I understand why people are so willing to, if not eager to defend it.

I'm all about accepting the fact that we can't change the actions of others.

But, we absolutely positively are not powerless in our actions. We have a choice in all things now, as adults.

I sometimes wonder if people confuse mindfulness and radical acceptance with a loss of power. It isn't.

It's accepting things the way they are now, but, make no mistake (1) that's a choice and (2) it doesn't mean it's always going to be that way.

We can help ourselves. Our abilities as humans are almost limitless to make our lives better.

It takes courage, an absolute rejection of the acceptance of being at someone's mercy (unless we chose it), and self-discipline. It also takes a willingness to problem solve. It's constant dialogue with ourselves challenging our current state and asking how it could be different. It's not giving up.

Even if we are clinically depressed or bipolar, those conditions do not have to control us.

We can be our own worst enemy, or our most fanatical advocate.

It's up to us.

[reesecups]

Originally Posted by Bipolarartist

I disagree. He has had to put a stop to patients being referred to him. He can easily replace me with someone who is capable of paying the full fee.

Since my therp takes Medicare and makes so little on it, I had the same fear about bring dropped. I didn't want to get comfortable with her for fear she would do like my former therp, and basically leave me know choice but to quit.

I finally asked my therp why she took me on, and how she felt that she made so little seeing me, when she normally charged so much for normal individuals. She told me that she took Medicare because it was a way of giving back for help she'd been given. Also, she was aware that a lot of people would not, or stopped taking Medicare patients because they resented the small amount they received. But she knew and accepted and did not have a problem with the money. She couldn't take on a lot of patient's with Medicare, but she did what she thought she could.

I think this is what won me over and really got me to open up to her. Frankly, I know hey have some power to the extent that they can take action if they feel like I'm a danger to myself or others. But, they work for you, regardless. And knowing that you have some control over what happens or is discussed has helped. And frankly, any therp worth their salt will tell you that they work for YOU.

Good luck.