[CantExplain]

I had hoped that Madame T might loosen up, disclose, tell me how she felt, apologise, explain, etc. We might be more like equals, more like friends. But none of that happened. It was a complete waste of time.

And yet I've seen it written that termination sessions are the most valuable of all.

What gives?

[~EnlightenMe~]

I think they mean termination at the end of a good therapy relationship, and one where both parties are in full agreement.

[stopdog]

Well, I don't think that everyone experiences everything the same way. And it may be somewhat connected to why a client leaves - you left, as I saw it, because she was not meeting your needs and you were angry (which I think is perfectly reasonable considering your description of your interactions with her) - so the warm fuzzy leaving was not as likely as two people who decide their goals were met and go to celebrate the accomplishment and acknowledge that each will grieve the necessary loss of the other.
Just my thought on it. It does not sound good to me, but it is how I would put what others describe can happen.

I admit I don't feel unequal to the therapist so I don't know about that.

[Nightlight]

They give me a chance to say goodbye. Often I think that therapists probably feel like they help the client through the transition, even when they don't really help much at all. I think they'd only ever be really helpful for me if I was actually ready to say goodbye, otherwise they are just painful.

[Canyon]

I do think that it is different when you are ending with a T that had a positive affect on your healing. When it has not been healing for me, I have just sort of treated it as a performance review of sorts. I just laid out what I thought was good about the time with the therapist and what didn't work. I had one T that was absolutely horrible and judging, I spent the final session telling her how I felt she had failed. I'm sure it was not so good for her but it made me feel better that I had been able to say that to her.

[unlockingsanity]

Even if it's mutual, I think that there is still going to be a lot of hurt and pain because who in REAL LIFE do we ever really say goodbye to like this?

A friend who moves away? We'd still talk to them on the phone or Facebook.

Someone who dies? We know our therapists are still out there....

I really hope it's not a terrible process when both agree to it, because I know that it's in my future.

The only positive thing I've had from a termination session was saying everything I wanted to say before it was over. Even then, down the road, you wish you would have said something different. For me, I would have realized that it was my T who was a douche, not me.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ~EnlightenMe~

I think they mean termination at the end of a good therapy relationship, and one where both parties are in full agreement.

We certainly never got close to full agreement!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Well, I don't think that everyone experiences everything the same way. And it may be somewhat connected to why a client leaves - you left, as I saw it, because she was not meeting your needs and you were angry (which I think is perfectly reasonable considering your description of your interactions with her) - so the warm fuzzy leaving was not as likely as two people who decide their goals were met and go to celebrate the accomplishment and acknowledge that each will grieve the necessary loss of the other.
Just my thought on it. It does not sound good to me, but it is how I would put what others describe can happen.

I admit I don't feel unequal to the therapist so I don't know about that.

Thanks! You understand me very well, and I appreciate that.

I did hope that "termination" sessions would be somehow different from "regular" sessions.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Canyon

I do think that it is different when you are ending with a T that had a positive affect on your healing. When it has not been healing for me, I have just sort of treated it as a performance review of sorts. I just laid out what I thought was good about the time with the therapist and what didn't work. I had one T that was absolutely horrible and judging, I spent the final session telling her how I felt she had failed. I'm sure it was not so good for her but it made me feel better that I had been able to say that to her.

Unfortunately, I had been telling her for months what she was doing wrong. I wonder if she even listened at the end...

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Even if it's mutual, I think that there is still going to be a lot of hurt and pain because who in REAL LIFE do we ever really say goodbye to like this?

A friend who moves away? We'd still talk to them on the phone or Facebook.

Someone who dies? We know our therapists are still out there....

I really hope it's not a terrible process when both agree to it, because I know that it's in my future.

The only positive thing I've had from a termination session was saying everything I wanted to say before it was over. Even then, down the road, you wish you would have said something different. For me, I would have realized that it was my T who was a douche, not me.

You put your finger on a key point here. Terminating with a T leaves the door half open. It has neither the permanence of a death nor the gradual tail-off of a real relationship.

Had we been on better terms, I might have eased out by seeing her less frequently.

It would have been better to have simply cut her off, but I thought I would save myself some guilt by following the rules. So instead of feeling guilty at a quick ending I feel cheated by a slow one.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

It would have been better to have simply cut her off, but I thought I would save myself some guilt by following the rules. So instead of feeling guilty at a quick ending I feel cheated by a slow one.

You know what? I was given 3 weeks notice and at the beginning, I was wrought with despair because I didn't feel like it was enough time. However, by the end, I just wanted it over because it was so distressing.

Even if you'd had a "slow" one, it might not have been what you wanted.

[unaluna]

Stopping seeing a t is not necessarily a termination. Termination is a whole nuther process that could take a year or two. Ive stopped seeing several t's in my lifetime but ive never gone thru the psychological process considered "terminating". There are books on the subject.

I often wonder if termination sessions aren't to make the T feel better rather then the client.

My T suggest we must have a last session or it's detrimental to the therapy. But I don't see the point of saying goodbye in person, I can say it by email. We owe them nothing other then the money we're supposed to pay them.

[Bentay]

Having gone through a termination 2 weeks ago I'm also left feeling what was the point. It's a painful & unnatural way of ending a relationship (literally like going cold turkey).

I'm sorry your experience with your T was far from what it should have been. Strange how someone who is supposedly an expect in human behaviour can get it so wrong.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Lycanthrope

I often wonder if termination sessions aren't to make the T feel better rather then the client.

My T suggest we must have a last session or it's detrimental to the therapy. But I don't see the point of saying goodbye in person, I can say it by email. We owe them nothing other then the money we're supposed to pay them.

I agree, i think a "termination meeting" is often processing time for a therapist and has little value for the client who doesn't feel the need for it.

[RTerroni]

It really depends on if you are going out on good terms or bad terms, I have had both (although even on the good one something happened at the end that I got very upset about).

[RTerroni]

I can say that on the one where I went out on very bad terms that it felt like an interrogation session, which made me say to them that I no longer wanted any part of them (they were going to set me up with another Therapist but I said no to that).

[tametc]

I remember abruptly ending therapy once with a therapist who was not a good listener, plus she was rather full of herself. I liked ending it the way I did, because I realized that I didn't need to take care of her feelings about it.

All this use of the word termination gave me the mental image of Arnold Schwarzenegger, aka "The Terminator". Kind of fun to think about giving the incompetent T an intimidating look and saying, "I'll be back"!

[WikidPissah]

I told mine off in an email. Cowardly? Yes, but it didn't drag on for months and he "heard" me. I still miss him at times, but after the first month most of the pain was gone.
I have never seen the point in dragging a bad relationship out.

[Perna]

I just assumed it was always all about Me so that the end was about my working out my issues with her and termination, etc. and maybe we did a kind of summary of the 18 years together sort of thing. T did vaguely tell me where she thought I "was" at the moment, what/where she felt I had gained and what disappointment she had in our work, how I had not moved "this" way as far as she thought I might, etc. It was not a disappointment in Me, but in our work together, kind of like we had written a huge book together. There were no surprises. She had told me in sessions before about how I was a "shell" when she first met me, etc. and I obviously was not now. . .

[ScrewedUpMe]

Originally Posted by unlockingsanity

Even if it's mutual, I think that there is still going to be a lot of hurt and pain because who in REAL LIFE do we ever really say goodbye to like this?

A friend who moves away? We'd still talk to them on the phone or Facebook.

Someone who dies? We know our therapists are still out there....

I am really glad you said that. I have been wondering today about termination. I went back to T after a 2 month break and I told her I had come back to find out if I wanted to terminate or not and to do it properly rather than just run away and never come back (as she had always advised me we should have closure). To my surprise she didn't suggest that at all, she said let's just leave things open, you can come back as frequently or infrequently as you like, I will always make time to fit you in, little updates by email that you are doing well are lovely to receive etc. And I went away wondering if I really needed closure or things would just fade away and was not sure how I felt about it. This has clarified it for me You are completely right, who says goodbye to someone that they care about and don't really want to say goodbye to? And you know their life is still going on and you can't be a part of it anymore. Now I am really happy with the way T has left it with me, a gradual tapering off (if and when I am ready) but still being in touch and caring about each other even if we don't actually 'meet anymore'.