[someone321]

Okay, so I wrote a list where I put some reasons why my T might not be the best for me... But when I read this list, it looks
1) too long - I won't remember everything what is there and it would be very weird to read it loudly to another T
2) like I really exaggerate everything because there is no good reason in it, my t didn't say or do anything inappropriate so I think that if I bring it to "new" T, she'll think that I'm crazy and I blame my T for everything...

Maybe you could have some ideas how to shorten the list, what to delete and if there is actually any good point? (sorry it's pretty long)

1) What I wrote in the mail and that he confirmed that he really thinks so (see my most triggering thread)

2) I wanted to ask my T about his rules/boundaries of the contact between sessions but he didn't want to address my concerns... So I asked him directly if I can send him an e-mail in between if I feel like in emergency and he responded "are you really dumb that you cannot get this that I won't answer your questions?!" I was really close to leave... Then we started arguing and eventually he said "no, I won't argue with you for 50 minutes, that's not how I work, if you don't like my approach, just..." (I'm not sure if he actually has finished the sentence). Eventually we agreed that I have problems with trusting people but he said that he won't do anything with it because he won't reassure me all the time that he's safe and the session is safe (actually he has never said that before).

3) He knew that I struggled a lot with time between sessions but he said that he cannot do anything with it and I have to find a method for dealing with this time by myself. Thus, in next session I told him that I had joined a supportive forum which really helps me but he said that I shouldn’t use it because it’s rubbish. I thought that it was a strong opinion so I asked him about it but he said “you pay me 250 per session – do you really want to waste 15 minutes on talking about it?”

4) At the second session when I mentioned something about csa, he didn’t address it anyhow but at the end of the session he said “when you were talking about it I was feeling sick”. At next session I brought it up and said that I can understand it as it’s me who makes him feeling sick and that might prevent me from saying certain things. He agreed that this is true and that probably in the future he will again feel sick because of me but it will be his problem if he throws up in his office.

5) My T knew that I’d spend 2-week Xmas break at home where I’d meet at least 3 of my abusers, and that my parent are like a “safe base” and I have a great relationship with them… Thus, 3 sessions before Xmas break he spent on trying to convince me that everything was my parents fault as they didn’t manage to protect me and that they neglected me etc. He didn’t allow me to say anything against it as he was giving me a lecture about it till the time of the session was over – that made Xmas break a bit more difficult. After the break I addressed that at the session and said that even if he thought so why would he tell me that just before the break. He said that it is not like that that Ts think about the impact of their words on a client – he just says what he thinks but it doesn’t necessarily have to be what I want to hear…

6) On Friday – just before the Xmas break, I went for the session but he was not there and the office was closed. I checked in my notes and the date was correct so I sent him an e-mail that we were supposed to have a session. He responded “no, this year we had sessions on xx and yy and from next year we’ll have on aa and bb”. Only two out of six sessions took place at dates which he mentioned and probably it was just a misunderstanding but as I am a control freak, a week earlier I had read him all dates with the meetings and he had said “right” which I had taken as a confirmation. I wrote him this in the e-mail and he responded “I’m sorry for not being clear enough, best wishes.” I could say at the same tone “I’m sorry for not asking for a confirmation twice” – he could have just said “sorry for a misunderstanding” but I felt like he blamed me. When I mentioned that after the break, he said “I know you would be much better therapist than I” and whatever I was saying at this session, he was repeating this sentence, he just couldn’t let it go. Eventually I had to say “yes I would be much better T for myself as I know my needs, expectations and what I want to hear but if I was so great T, I wouldn’t need you”. Fortunately it satisfied him and we could have moved on…

7) Once I said that I don’t feel his empathy (due to above reasons) but he said that it is not true but I am not looking for the empathy but for the pity and he won’t give me that.

8) Last week I said that when I bring something up in order to improve our communication, he becomes very defensive (I wanted to say “aggressive” but I didn’t dare). He said that he had realized that I want to change the place and become his T and talk about him and his reactions but it’s my therapy not his and I should focus on me and we won’t discuss what happens when I bring sth up because that’s not the point.

9) I’ve already learned about which topics he doesn’t want to talk and which topics annoy and irritate him. Thus, I know which topics I should avoid if I don’t want to argue with him, be outtalked, listening to his raised voice etc. and I choose topics in which he feels comfortable so that the sessions can be fruitful…

[elaygee]

If my therapist ever called me dumb, Id leave. A T should NEVER talk that way. Name calling is LOW and unprofessional. Idont feelyou need to justify leaving a T but you can leave the list as is if another asks what the issues were. I think theyre all important, especially piled up. He sounds horrible

[BonnieJean]

If all this has been your experience I can't see where anything should be left off your list. I think it shows he may not be the best t for you.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I think you are better off moving on. It is obvious he is doing more conflict than clarity and more harm than good.

May I ask why the decision is so difficult? Just based on reading the list, I feel like you know what the right thing to do is and what you want. Is there something specific keeping you with him?

[anilam]

I don't understand why you feel the need to read this to the new T... you can change Ts just because- you don't need to have a valid reason (many of those are BTW)/ the new T's approval.
Do you need the new T to say it's OK to leave that T?
Do you feel you can't/shouldn't otherwise?
Plus I read a lot of what he/you did and not much how you felt- maybe it'd be more beneficial to discuss that? Just discuss, no need to read a letter?

[someone321]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

I think you are better off moving on. It is obvious he is doing more conflict than clarity and more harm than good.

May I ask why the decision is so difficult? Just based on reading the list, I feel like you know what the right thing to do is and what you want. Is there something specific keeping you with him?

I don't know why it is so difficult actually... I guess some reasons are as follows:
1) I cannot get any different T for next half a year (this another T said that she could see me 1-3 times but she won't have the capacity to take any new client before the summer)
2) He's the only T who I could see twice a week as others are not reimbursed by my insurance and I couldn't afford seeing them so often. As I struggle with time between sessions, I would prefer have them as often as possible
3) He's the only male T who I could see - others are females, and actually I have no idea why I think that I prefer male
4) As we have sessions twice a week, I've manage to tell him already a lot so I would have to repeat so many things to a new T - it's almost like a waste of time... And I think that I won't be able to be open so much with another T, if I change a T it will be a kind of failure I guess...
5) I like him - when he's not annoying, he's pretty nice

[someone321]

Originally Posted by anilam

I don't understand why you feel the need to read this to the new T... you can change Ts just because- you don't need to have a valid reason (many of those are BTW)/ the new T's approval.
Do you need the new T to say it's OK to leave that T?
Do you feel you can't/shouldn't otherwise?
Plus I read a lot of what he/you did and not much how you felt- maybe it'd be more beneficial to discuss that? Just discuss, no need to read a letter?

Yes, I think I would like the new T to tell me if I have a reason to leave my T or not. In addition, as I am not sure if it is weird for Ts to say/do things like my T says/does, I would like to know if my potential new T would behave the same or if she thinks that it was not appropriate and would choose a different way... Because maybe I'll change T to a new T who will use the same approach? I think that if new T says that I should stay with my current T, I will do that... It would be great if she could tell me what to do but I guess it doesn't work like that...

How do I feel? I guess that's the most tricky question as usually I try not to feel but to think... Thus, e.g. my T can annoy me so I'm angry but than I start thinking why I am angry and of course there are hundreds of possibilities

[feralkittymom]

Not feeling and denial tend to go hand in hand. It's pretty clear you look to authority figures to make your decisions for you and to follow their lead--except that some part of you must recognize abuse because you argue. Or you argue because there's some benefit to that for you. But either way, it doesn't follow any model of trauma therapy or therapy relationship that I've ever heard of. I just don't understand your need to stay with him. And I think you need help to understand that, too, and you won't get that with your current T. It just so strongly has the feel of a re-enactment to me, not productive therapy.

I wouldn't worry about having too much written, nor whether you read it or give it to her. I suspect she will be somewhat directive because of the limited time.

[WikidPissah]

To put it bluntly, he's an a-hole. If what you've written is accurate, I'd say run and don't look back. You don't need someone to tell you it's okay to leave.

[HazelGirl]

Just because he takes your insurance doesn't mean he's helping you. He's like going to a doctor and allowing them to prescribe you poison because "they take your insurance". He's so bad for you. This list is NOT an exaggeration and it is NOT too long. It would be beneficial to give it to the new T that you are seeing.

I wanted to stop at the word "dumb" too. So after reading closer I find it interesting that you are presenting an abuser/abused relationship. The very thing you appear to be in t for. I am wondering if either you are experiencing transference and he isn't exactly as you percieve right now. Or have you truly found an abusive t which is entirely possible. If you do decide to meet with a different t it might be worth figuring out which it is first. If it is transference you could just be repeating the same relationship dynamics over and over. Also, T's are a kind of authority figure. I am sensing there is a connection between the exchanges you are having and your history. Perhaps you want a male because of the role they have played in your life? I hope that makes sense.

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[elliemay]

If someone is calling you dumb, then I really believe that NO therapy is better than that.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by Michanne

I wanted to stop at the word "dumb" too. So after reading closer I find it interesting that you are presenting an abuser/abused relationship. The very thing you appear to be in t for. I am wondering if either you are experiencing transference and he isn't exactly as you percieve right now. Or have you truly found an abusive t which is entirely possible. If you do decide to meet with a different t it might be worth figuring out which it is first. If it is transference you could just be repeating the same relationship dynamics over and over. Also, T's are a kind of authority figure. I am sensing there is a connection between the exchanges you are having and your history. Perhaps you want a male because of the role they have played in your life? I hope that makes sense.

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Thanks for this - it's and interesting view, I haven't thought about it... Yeah, I know that it might look like a light version of abuser/abused relationship and it pretty annoys and surprises me as I would never think that I've ever had such relation with anyone - however actually many years ago the relationship with my brother could be similar...

Could that be a transference? I would always think that no, as I see my T as a T not as my brother or whoever else and it is just the second month of the therapy so I guess it would be too early... But it is of course possible that I am seeing my T as I want to and not as he really is - that's why I'm so confused and I have no idea if I really have a reason or not... Because words which I've cited, he has really said but of course the whole context is also very important and if it is really a transference he could have a reason to say what he said, right? I just cannot decide how I can find out what is going on...

[someone321]

Originally Posted by elliemay

If someone is calling you dumb, then I really believe that NO therapy is better than that.

I understand your point... It's just that so many memories/wounds are now open that stopping a therapy right now might be pretty devastating...

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by someone321

Thanks for this - it's and interesting view, I haven't thought about it... Yeah, I know that it might look like a light version of abuser/abused relationship and it pretty annoys and surprises me as I would never think that I've ever had such relation with anyone - however actually many years ago the relationship with my brother could be similar...

Could that be a transference? I would always think that no, as I see my T as a T not as my brother or whoever else and it is just the second month of the therapy so I guess it would be too early... But it is of course possible that I am seeing my T as I want to and not as he really is - that's why I'm so confused and I have no idea if I really have a reason or not... Because words which I've cited, he has really said but of course the whole context is also very important and if it is really a transference he could have a reason to say what he said, right? I just cannot decide how I can find out what is going on...

This confusion is something that needs to be talked out with an outside T. And some fighting with your brother normally wouldn't create a strong enough impact to cause transference onto someone else. I am more inclined to believe that this is something that this T is creating in this relationship.

[Perna]

The longer you keep seeing someone you don't want to see, the harder it will be to change and the more damage you can do to yourself/your thinking by hanging on to this one.

I would terminate with this T and "start over" with myself and what I want in a T and how often, etc.: I'd spend some time thinking and studying and make a plan I liked, maybe start a savings account to help with fees, or get a credit card I could write checks on, etc. Instead of making a list of what you do-not-like/why you left this T, I would make a list of what you do want in a T and share it with the new ones you interview with to help you choose one.

[someone321]

Originally Posted by Perna

The longer you keep seeing someone you don't want to see, the harder it will be to change and the more damage you can do to yourself/your thinking by hanging on to this one.

I would terminate with this T and "start over" with myself and what I want in a T and how often, etc.: I'd spend some time thinking and studying and make a plan I liked, maybe start a savings account to help with fees, or get a credit card I could write checks on, etc. Instead of making a list of what you do-not-like/why you left this T, I would make a list of what you do want in a T and share it with the new ones you interview with to help you choose one.

I think I started thinking about telling another T about the reasons of leaving the current T because she (new T) wrote me: "After reading your e-mail, I do think indeed that we should meet rather soon and discuss your situation and this therapeutic approach". Thus, I guess, I should tell her something more about my current therapy... Especially that now I feel that I just need another T to talk about my current T... As this is what concerns me most... And I think I want a new T to be different than the current one so by saying what I don't want from a therapy it also gives her information what I want... I know it is not the same but I don't know what I actually want - I just know what I don't want, if it makes any sense...

[~EnlightenMe~]

Someone,
I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time. From what you write, it sounds like your therapist is so wrapped up in his own issues that he can't see or doesn't want to see yours. I hope you can believe in yourself and in how you feel. It seems your therapist is invalidating of your experience and emotions. I would definitely tell the consult T everything you have written so she will have a good idea of what is going on. Please keep us posted.

[missbella]

Rudeness is rudeness, and I don't think of the therapy relationship as a special zone where common courtesy no longer applies. I think therapy's theory and symbolism can convolute simple events that occur between two people.

I can understand why a therapist would not encourage contact between sessions--the ultimate goal being self sufficiency. I can think of myriad responses to your questions that would have been far more respectful.

Your initial post gave me the image of a condescending, disapproving authoritarian--a bully. Bullies get their way by putting those around them on eggshells, hoping not inadvertently to ignite another capricious rage. I would not want to tell someone like that my confidences or hand him my vulnerabilities.

His "pity" comment struck me as an ambush. I thought therapy the room to discuss sadness and vulnerable. Now he's scornful? His clients are expected to measure the correct amount of negative emotions to please him?

There are a some modalities that are deliberately confrontational-- Gestalt, Dr. Phil. Or the clinicians simply are being boorish. I don't see them qualified to offer life lessons.

[renie1022]

i agree that he is an a hole. Every single thing on that list would be sufficient grounds, just by itself, to stop with him. I know this is easier said than done.
renie

Originally Posted by someone321

Thanks for this - it's and interesting view, I haven't thought about it... Yeah, I know that it might look like a light version of abuser/abused relationship and it pretty annoys and surprises me as I would never think that I've ever had such relation with anyone - however actually many years ago the relationship with my brother could be similar...

Could that be a transference? I would always think that no, as I see my T as a T not as my brother or whoever else and it is just the second month of the therapy so I guess it would be too early... But it is of course possible that I am seeing my T as I want to and not as he really is - that's why I'm so confused and I have no idea if I really have a reason or not... Because words which I've cited, he has really said but of course the whole context is also very important and if it is really a transference he could have a reason to say what he said, right? I just cannot decide how I can find out what is going on...

Oh good... I didn't want to come across as accusatory. Just as something to consider. Then I think your instincts were working properly the day he called you dumb and you almost walked out. Still sometimes I think it is true that we either set up repeat scenarios for our selves or whatever higher power we believe in does. So it might be good to see this that way and talk to another t like the one you contacted to discuss before leaving. That will let you treat it like a learning experience. There are several ways another t might take it. I am not in any way saying you should put up with him but you indicated not wanting to be without a t and there are aspects you like about him. I am not an expert but transference of abusive relationship is probably not healthy yet it would be healthy to figure it out. I would think it would be very difficult to do that with the "abuser" but like I said... I am not an expert.

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