When therapist changes things around.

AsiaB, if a journal has been helpful, you could keep writing in one. It just wouldn't be a journal that you share with your T. I keep a journal but my T has never seen it. It is just for me. Maybe that compromise would satisfy your T. I hope you can ask her about this change and learn more about how she thinks it will help.

yeah i have an online journal i keep anyway. It's not a problem, i just wondered her motives for it.

Asia, your post makes me think of that book title, "I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can." You're tap dancing your way into immobility--which is a pretty safe place to be, if you think about it. The only problem is that, as you know, you don't get anywhere.

I think journaling is a good technique, but maybe it doesn't serve the current goal of moving into a closer balance with your T. The reason I think that is your noting that your emotional energy is expended outside of session. You're using the journal to discharge emotions, rather than to find them. So by the time session comes, your T is getting your emotions second hand. By letting her share in your emotions as you're experiencing them, you open to the possibility of experiencing moments of attachment. It doesn't happen all at once, and I really don't think you need worry about being overwhelmed, as strong as your defenses appear to be.

What if you were to give yourself permission to let a possible attachment moment happen? You always have the power to pull back at any time. Test the waters.

I don't have strong defences, that is the problem. Once i start needing her, i'll need her a lot, i'll want her to comfort me instead of doing it for myself and i can only contact her outside of session if it's a crisis, then will i feel like i'm making things more dramatic and deliberately not try to cope just so i can get her help outside of session? Then i'll get angry at her cos she's not meeting my needs outside of therapy. And i'll feel all out of control.
If she does meet my needs, will i then feel the abject fear of losing her? Which once again makes me needy and angry.
It just goes downhill from there so i'm trying to avoid all of that by keeping myself contained.

I totally agree with what you're saying FKM, but re the journal, whether i write in it or not, isn't the therapist getting my emotions 2nd hand anyway? If my meltdown happens 3 days before session then i go in tell her i had a hard day, it's old news by then anyway? And if she wants to be there for me when they're happening then she needs to allow me to call her then and not just when i'm in crisis? Ugh i'm so confused! And everytime you use the word attachment in relation to her, my heart flips in fear lol

I think that heart flip is a pretty strong sign that this is fear-based--and of course we want to avoid what scares us. You may feel like your defenses are weak, but if you're keeping to yourself in crisis, that shows a pretty strong defense in action. And if you're having a "meltdown" isn't that a crisis? Doesn't that qualify for a phone call?

The thing is, I don't know how we can learn to self-soothe without going through the process of--that word!--and then internalizing that feeling to be summoned up when needed. I don't think self-soothing is a technique as much as a psychological state to tap into.

Dammit FKM, why you speak so much sense!?

I'm going to have to speak to her about this stuff at some point. Ugh. You know how the tin man in the wizard of oz wanted a heart? I'd ask the Wizard to take mine out. Hearts are overrated.

My T made the same observation about me (not exactly those words, but close)! I didnt' even realize I was doing it. And it hasn't changed much since he made the observation.
Reading this thread has been good for me. So much you are articulating that I've been hiding.

I never understood why that character wanted a heart.
If one was not already saddled with one, rejoice.