T tied my shoes

Ha, this is a goofy post. My T was giving me some advice for an evaluation with my school I am doing today. While talking, she looked down at my feet and said "dear god I want to tie your shoes. Seriously what the **** is up with those laces??"
Me: "I tied them once and then not again"
Her: "you're gonna trip! I'm not even sure if me tying your shoes is legal or appropriate"
Me: "if it would make you happy, knock yourself out"
Her: "god I don't know why I'm allowing myself to do this" and she bent down and tied my shoes. I then teased her that she's ridiculous.

So what do you guys think about that? Is a T tying a client's shoes inappropriate? I personally found the exchange funny.

It sounds infantilizing and controlling to me. But if you did not mind it and if it is not a usual thing, then I would not worry about it

While odd, I don't even see it as a problem at all especially since she asked permission first. I think it's cute and funny. And you two seem to have a relationship where something like that won't get overly confusing. I say go for it!

Given the issues with which you struggle, I would think it was totally inappropriate and counter productive. But clearly, I'm not there and it's your therapy.

I think it is part of the reparenting they can do for us. They connect to our inner child. I feel like i can see her face beaming when something like this happens. That kid is stunted and still alive in me. I can tell by the way i live, the way i react, the way i treat myself, how i interact with others -overall, not too mature. More like outer child with an inner adult who sometimes peeks out.

I liked this description, I can totally relate!

Yeah i did not have a very adult weekend! I was going to ask you, what do you WANT? I need to asknmyself the same thing. I think we sense when our families envision an empty future for us, for whatever reason. We take it on. I felt kind of betrayed when my brother announced they were pregnant. I was like, i thought we had a deal! I know, totally a Seinfeld moment, but in 1984 - that "deal" episode was in the 90's.

I took it humorous and a moment of being genuine as well as caring. It could be seen as inappropriate I guess but that is missing the context and exchange that happened around it. Perhaps they are not supposed to comment on your appearance so then I could see it as inappropriate. I would feel a bit strange if this happened with me, but we don't have moments like that. Or if we do they are only verbal and do not involve action. If you are okay with it, then that is what matters. You don't need a bunch of people on the internet giving outside judgements when they don't really know.

It is interesting to think about why you would ask people here what they thought about it if it did not bother you.

Sometimes people post here out of excitement, and to share good events. I've done so, I wanted people to share in how happy I am. Though it was asked if it was inappropriate.

"Bother" - kind of a negative connotation? Lets just say we're being curious?

The original poster asked for opinions about the event. I was curious about why the op would ask what others thought about it if one was not bothered by it.

I meant bother

I like poked, or nudged.

You are such a hardass! Sometimes people just want reassurance.

It´s a funny exchange if it weren´t for the fact, that you have stated that you have problems, taking care of yourself on a dailey basis. For your T to tie your shoelaces, when youré 20 years old, instead of teaching you this " skill", (or at least taking care of yourself so you don´t trip) is a bit sad. IMO. It´s a " nice " gesture but "good parents" teach their children at a certain age basic skills. They don´t keep doing everything for them. I suspect based on your threads, thats the way you were raised? And are now having issues with?..So no..not really that funny. ( IMO)

Not that goofy, a Therapist who I saw when I was in 1st Grade taught me how to tie my shoes as well.

I think it's tricky.

Am I right in thinking you treasured this moment? That's lovely, but also a little poignant. I have to say, from what I read about your T it seems questionable the way she does things/ interacts with you. It does seem likely you might end up hurt

But then the rest of us aren't there to fully see the context, and we all have different opinions on what is best.

Here we have T doing something motherly and age-inappropriate for OP. In fact, OP's mother also did such things for her at age-inappropriate times.

Yet what happened here was not a simple reenactment of childhood: Then, these acts were not done in affection. Here, it was. Here, it is different. This was a corrective emotional experience.

In a corrective emotional experience, a situation that occurred in the past recurs, but the emotional conclusion is different, and healing.

Compare:

If I am lonely, I might revel in friendly interaction, so different from what I might have experienced in the past, with my T. The T is not, in fact, my friend, but the friendly interaction helps me heal. I leave therapy better able to find my own friends.

Similarly, OP might revel in the motherly act of her T, so different from what she experienced growing up. The motherly interaction can help her heal. It can help her leave therapy, not with a new mother, but with the stronger self that appropriate mothering can create.

This T needs to be careful that OP does not think of T as literally her mother, just as my T needs to be sure that I do not think of her as literally my friend. To my mind, though, today's single, spontaneous act of kindness was skillfully done.

Thanks bill. I like your use of the term corrective emotional experience. I happened upon a blog this weekend where the t used it in such a negative way, it made me so angry, i finally understood why people hated the concept. He wanted to CORRECT people, get them to surrender to him, to kowtow to his superiority. I saw red! Whereas in this case, i see it more as a do-over, this time with a happy willing parent. The child, the client, is pretty much the same. This time, instead of shattering an expectation, a feeling of love and security - a future expectation of love - is installed (or at least the beginning of one). Kind of like affirmations - you get what you expect.

How is this act of " kindness" skillfully done with a phrase like: I am not sure this is legal or appropiate? Would any adult talk to a " seven year old like that"? ( The OP have compared herself to a seven year old emotionally)..Is that a healthy emotional correcting experience?

Isnt it like me and my t holding dolls every session? Its weird, maybe it doesnt look healthy at first glance, but there's research behind it - somewhere! Im sure there is... seriously, i did look it up, and a lot of people use dolls and stuff. So its some regression stuff. Would you feel better if we could back it up with some research? Ie the shoe tying business.

I don't think I am.
If it did not bother the op, and if reassurance is what op wanted, then I hope op got what she was looking for.

Theres a difference between a client holding dolls in therapy and letting the T hold them for you.

But that is exactly what i do. He holds it in the crook of his arm, but i dont have the patience and i just lay my doll across my lap. I was thinking today before session, hes allowed to have a baby but i am not. I think you have to grow up holding babies to be comfortable with them, and to want them. But i think they were kept away from me, im not sure why. Sorry for the hijack, growli, but i wonder if that was her situation too.

I've got mixed thoughts.

The action on its own would normally be quite harmless. I fix my students shoes and things on a regular basis (I'm a big believer in making them have their hoods on and coats done up... they seem to think that -40C isn't that cold). I'm also the sort who will tuck people's tags in. I've also had a friend or so fix MY scarf for me. So the action itself can be quite innocent.

I think that it probably wasn't the healthiest thing in this situation. Growli, you are already viewing your T as being literally a mother for you. She's supposed to be helping you with becoming independent, but this action of hers, regardless of how innocent and funny it seemed, was really reinforcing your dependence on her. She could have asked you to tie your own shoes - which would have been appropriate and more like an appropriate caretaker should be doing.

Do you feel more attached to T and wishing even more that she could be your mom? Or are you feeling like you would have rather sorted out your shoes yourself? I think that if it reinforced your desire to replace your mom with your T, then it was not a healthy or good interaction. If you felt awkward about it and would have rather sorted it out yourself, then it could be a good interaction because it could be reminding you that you are capable of taking care of yourself on your own.