[newlyborn0372013]

Okay, so in the process of getting me emotionally prepared to face my rapist (who happens to be a family member) on Christmas, my T and I stumbled upon some more 'stuff'.

I never pee in public places. Like EVER! and that came up in therapy and at the last session because she believes that it may be related to some other trauma that I've had in my life. I totally shut down and didnt want to talk about the situation at all. It's not caused me any problems in life so I dont see the point in talking about it.

The aspect that has me worried is the fact that I have a...an...interest in a fetish that has to do with urine, full bladder, holding, and wetting, that I do in private and when I'm stressed out. This is very embarrassing for me and just typing about it has me blushing.

I have wanted to bring this up to T for quite sometime because I feel like it's strange and I've wanted to know whether or not something is 'wrong' with it and perhaps it may be connected to something that happened in my past, but I had a panic attack in our last session just thinking about talking about it, and so my T agreed that I wasn't ready to tackle the 'peeing in public bathrooms' thing.

I am just really conflicted and ashamed and embarrassed and I'm worried about how she will react when/if I tell her this. That coupled with these waves of strong affection that I feel toward her every now and then (not sexual or romantic, just deep genuine 'i love you as a person' and 'you have a beautiful soul' kind of affection) is driving me even more nuts than I already am.

Should I bring this up to her in our next session or just leave it alone for now?

[Hope-Full]

"That coupled with these waves of strong affection that I feel toward her every now and then (not sexual or romantic, just deep genuine 'i love you as a person' and 'you have a beautiful soul' kind of affection)"

Totally relate to this, and completely empathize with you. Just had another conversation about it with T the other day!

As far as sharing this habit with T, I think it would be a really good idea, and could possibly be healing and helpful for you - after all, we' are held captive by our secrets. Ts are trained to hear and handle all sorts of information, and it's their job to help us work through them.

Good luck!

[Daeva]

If you want to talk about it, do so. It's your session, and my T once said it's mine to talk about with whatever I wish to. Even if I sat and talked about rats with her she didn't care.

[ThisWayOut]

I recently disclosed something "weird"and shameful to my t and she seemed to totally take it in stride. It's about other fetish-type stuff, so I can relate to that aspect. The hardest part was telling her... and i hid behind a pillow on her couch during and after telling her. A lot of my disclosures end with "please don't hate me"...

If it's something you feel you want to talk about, go for it. But i wouldn't suggest rushing it if you feel really uncomfortable about it. If you definitely want to talk about it, maybe writing it down would help and then either reading it to her or letting her read it?

[newlyborn0372013]

Originally Posted by MdngtRain

I recently disclosed something "weird"and shameful to my t and she seemed to totally take it in stride. It's about other fetish-type stuff, so I can relate to that aspect. The hardest part was telling her... and i hid behind a pillow on her couch during and after telling her. A lot of my disclosures end with "please don't hate me"...

If it's something you feel you want to talk about, go for it. But i wouldn't suggest rushing it if you feel really uncomfortable about it. If you definitely want to talk about it, maybe writing it down would help and then either reading it to her or letting her read it?

That's definitely my fear of her hating me, or more so, seeing me as a person differently, or as disgusting or something. I could never read it out loud to her, many of my 'homework assignments' involve me writing and bring it in and her silently reading it. I want to talk about it and get it out in the open but at the same time I feel too afraid of her reaction. What happened when you told your T?

[Favorite Jeans]

How okay do you feel about the fetish? Maybe, if you haven't already, it would be worth exploring some of the kink-positive literature out there on fetishes. Maybe you can do so e of the work to overcome your shame on your own before you bring it up with her. It might feel good to know that you're in good company, that lots of people are intrigued by the same kinds of things.

And, wow, facing your rapist at Christmas. I can imagine that this isn't the easiest time. Maybe wait until after this trauma (and potentially a week or more away from T) before bringing up something that is so difficult to say.

[sweepy62]

I agree with favorite jeans, that is a huge step you are taking right now. Kudos

[ThisWayOut]

Originally Posted by newlyborn0372013

That's definitely my fear of her hating me, or more so, seeing me as a person differently, or as disgusting or something. I could never read it out loud to her, many of my 'homework assignments' involve me writing and bring it in and her silently reading it. I want to talk about it and get it out in the open but at the same time I feel too afraid of her reaction. What happened when you told your T?

She was really nonchalant, tho i wasn't able to look at her, so i don't know what her facial expressions were. She sounded very genuine and caring. She explored it with me a bit (or tried to, but i had a lot of trouble taking about it). She asked questions, and listened when i talked. She was very supportive and told me it was a huge risk especially when i felt so shameful about it. We talked about the parts that were likely a result of the assaults, and some of the other stuff that she thought was just fetish stuff. It's still really difficult for me to talk about, we are working on that. Until last week, she would read the stuff i wrote before i got to season, we would talk about the contents. Last week tho, i actually read it out loud (so much anxiety over it, but it needed to happen. I felt stuck just having her read it but not having said it out loud to someone). It was the first time i spoke out loud about all of that stuff... she's been really awesome about it. I've asked if she thought differently about me for what i told her, and she said no. I trust that she is telling the truth.... It sounds like your t would be also (from what you say about her and the relationship). Whatever you choose tho, good luck...

Also, there's some good stuff out there are fetishes. You kinda have to look for it, but it's out there. If you have some time and privacy to do so, you can Google your fetish and read up on it. If you stick to the written stuff (no image searches or video searches), you can pretty reliably avoid the porn. There are more blogs and sites about it than i had realized. And it may make you feel a whole lot better (there's some stuff that made me wonder, but to each his own. I try not to judge because mines so "out there" in terms of "normal" sexual behaviors). I checked out fetlife.com also. I guess it's kinda like Facebook for the fetish community. I signed up on a brand new email under an alias just to check it out. There's some interesting stuff there, but (with anything else along those lines) be careful about clicking links and anyone you may talk to. While the majority of the people i there were cool, it had it's fair share of scary people also.

Feel free to pm if you want to talk more about any of that, or just continue the conversation as it relates to the thread. I didn't mean to get so off track, but researching all that stuff helped me get to a point of talking about it. Though your t may have better info (especially if she is more familiar with treating sexual assault stuff, tho i had a great t who was not specifically an assault t but she was a wealth of info on every aspect of it).

Anyway, disclosure comes with risk, but it can be helpful if you are ready for it.

Also, i can't even imagine what you are going through right now at the thought of confronting your rapist soon. Good luck with that and I'll be thinking of you. That takes so much courage and strength. (Hugs)

[newlyborn0372013]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

How okay do you feel about the fetish? Maybe, if you haven't already, it would be worth exploring some of the kink-positive literature out there on fetishes. Maybe you can do so e of the work to overcome your shame on your own before you bring it up with her. It might feel good to know that you're in good company, that lots of people are intrigued by the same kinds of things.

And, wow, facing your rapist at Christmas. I can imagine that this isn't the easiest time. Maybe wait until after this trauma (and potentially a week or more away from T) before bringing up something that is so difficult to say.

I generally feel okay about it since nobody knows about it and as I get older (almost 21 now) I do it less often. But I do believe that it's linked to something that happened in the past and is also linked with why I can not use public restrooms (including someone's private bathroom in their home), aka a rest room that's not my own.

Also my T's office is closed the week of christmas and T also had to have a procedure done this week so that's 2 weeks with no therapy after going for 2 times a week for the last 4 months (when the SA trauma memories surfaced).

[xela24]

I can relate to the not pottering in public places ever. It came up for me in therapy when i had to wait a hour between the end of session with her and then group and i started freaking out so i told her why. Now she takes me to the staff bathroom and stands outside and it makes me feel a lot safer.