[nanrob]

Having just come from an hour discussing this topic with my therapist, I'd like to share what he said and what I have read. Healing your inner child comes from being in the moment, right now, if even for just a few minutes. Meditation helps you do this. To begin, focus on just your breathing for 10 minutes a day (there are many meditation directives/music on you tube). When you find yourself responding from your inner child, focus on breathing to shift from your inner child to an adult. That's the beginning step.

This is called Mindfulness. There are a lot of book, tapes, videos on this subject. I've found Bob Stahl's Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction very helpful. The Work of Byron Katie (on facebook) has helped me a lot.

T told me I need to hold my inner child. Not step aside from her. I have tried it.

[Daeva]

I wrote a long paper about this, it first explains but if you keep reading it gives you ideas etc...

http://forums.psychcentral.com/psych...re-myself.html

[Elektra_]

i seriously dunno how o separate them lol i just remember my ex.T last assignment was to write a letter to my younger self.. i never did though.. didnt know how. this T says im not immature.. i dont get it...

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

i seriously dunno how o separate them lol i just remember my ex.T last assignment was to write a letter to my younger self.. i never did though.. didnt know how. this T says im not immature.. i dont get it...

Immaturity does not mean you aren't hurting inside. Maybe you just haven't shown this T that side of you that is hurting. You wouldn't be seeing a T if you didn't want help of some sort.

Does your younger self have a name?

Dear ___, I love you, I have always loved you, I will always love you. When you are scared and act out to protect yourself, know that I am here for you. I will hold you and comfort you. My love for you in endless. Know that and find happiness in it.

[Freewilled]

My T told me yesterday that it appears I am holding out hope for my need to be loved to be filled by my parents, partner, other people....I told him rather indignantly that I just do not want to have this need at all. He said we all need it though....and that I might be able to fill some of this by caring for myself.

My T seems to believe that beginning by sharing my perspective in T (which I really really struggle with) and standing up for myself (he even said imagining standing up or sharing my perspective would be a good step) is one way of caring for myself. That being a mother myself, I have some idea of what children need.

Humph. I mean, I want to believe its possible, but for some reason it seems so insurmountable. The emptiness has no bottom. I'm not sure how much of an impact these tiny steps could make - but I guess I could try.

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

My T told me yesterday that it appears I am holding out hope for my need to be loved to be filled by my parents, partner, other people....I told him rather indignantly that I just do not want to have this need at all. He said we all need it though....and that I might be able to fill some of this by caring for myself.

My T seems to believe that beginning by sharing my perspective in T (which I really really struggle with) and standing up for myself (he even said imagining standing up or sharing my perspective would be a good step) is one way of caring for myself. That being a mother myself, I have some idea of what children need.

Humph. I mean, I want to believe its possible, but for some reason it seems so insurmountable. The emptiness has no bottom. I'm not sure how much of an impact these tiny steps could make - but I guess I could try.

You can never rely on others to be fulfilled your need to be loved. They disappointed you in the past so how can you expect them to meet your expectations now? I do agree with your T about sharing your perspective. Your T is asking that so that you can feel how is to be accepted for just being YOU, without others judging U. I love you for being who you are without having met you. I love you for having the courage to post your true feelings.

[sweepy62]

I have such a hard time trying to understand the inner child concept, I dont know why, but I get upset everytime my t trys to talk about an inner child, so we dont talk anymore about it.

I guess it creeps me out knowing like theres a mini me inside me? I guess I take it literally? I suppose I should work on this issues, but instead I make jokes about it, I even bought the inner child books, but only read a chapter and it made no sense to me it just got me aggravated. Why?

[elliemay]

I'm not an advocate of the inner child theory. We are all adults here. We walk around as wounded adults. It may sound harsh, but we don't get "do overs" and that phase of our lives, albeit not perfect, is over.

We live in the now, as responsible adults with efficacy over our own lives.

I know those who, without a diagnosis of dissociative disorders, actually do pull out parts of themselves and give them names.

I think this a wholly dangerous way to be. It separates from the present, divests responsibility, and, in my mind, delays recovery from old wounds. It puts the feeling part, and the responsibility for that healing, out of our control and onto a construct separate from us.

Without a doubt, we get to grieve our past and what we never had, but the child? That child is no more. It's us in Right here, right now. Living, working, feeling.

It's the adult that needs the help.

[stopdog]

The concept of inner child does not resonate with me and I don't find the therapist using that sort of model useful for me. But if it makes sense or is useful to others, then good.

[Elektra_]

i dont think any of Ts ever mentioned the "inner child" concept but as i wrote before when my ex.T told me to do that letter to younger me i associated with it..? dunno we never talked about it caz we ended our rel. but yeah i find it hard to separate, if there is a separation...

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm not an advocate of the inner child theory. We are all adults here. We walk around as wounded adults. It may sound harsh, but we don't get "do overs" and that phase of our lives, albeit not perfect, is over.

We live in the now, as responsible adults with efficacy over our own lives.

I know those who, without a diagnosis of dissociative disorders, actually do pull out parts of themselves and give them names.

I think this a wholly dangerous way to be. It separates from the present, divests responsibility, and, in my mind, delays recovery from old wounds. It puts the feeling part, and the responsibility for that healing, out of our control and onto a construct separate from us.

Without a doubt, we get to grieve our past and what we never had, but the child? That child is no more. It's us in Right here, right now. Living, working, feeling.

It's the adult that needs the help.

You are absolute correct in saying we are all adults walking around as wounded adults. It is that wounded part we call our "inner child"; that part of us that responds unlike an adult in certain situations. It isn't something we can pull out of ourselves. It's just a label we use to identify that part of our self that causes us to act out in childish ways under certain situations. Another word for inner child is Ego. The Ego is that part of us that demands to have what we want when we want it. It lives in a fantasy world of greed. The Super Ego tries to calm down the Ego, letting the Id (the adult self) function in an age appropriate manner.

I'll give you an example. When I feel someone is abandoning me (they may not be but I feel they are), I get angry and push them further away. That is my "inner child" (child like behavior) attempting to avoid an unrealized event.

The US that is right here, right now is all 3. The key to healthy behavior is having a balance between all 3. It is only when the Ego (inner child) takes over that we find ourselves feeling anxious and develop mental disorders.

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

i dont think any of Ts ever mentioned the "inner child" concept but as i wrote before when my ex.T told me to do that letter to younger me i associated with it..? dunno we never talked about it caz we ended our rel. but yeah i find it hard to separate, if there is a separation...

There isn't a separation. See my post above Re: Ego. Most Ts won't bring up inner child until (s)he knows you are ready for it. If you haven't stayed with one T for at least a year, it is doubtful you will get to know your inner child. It takes a tremendous amount of trust for you to look at and share your most painful thoughts with anyone. I still won't let my T of 5 yrs talk about my son's death 21 years ago at age 24. It is just too painful for me and my inner child allows me to do unhealthy things like drink too much, take meds to sleep all day, isolate myself, and cancel appointments.

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

i dont think any of Ts ever mentioned the "inner child" concept but as i wrote before when my ex.T told me to do that letter to younger me i associated with it..? dunno we never talked about it caz we ended our rel. but yeah i find it hard to separate, if there is a separation...

See my other posts. I've had a lot of experience with inner child work. I hope I have helped people understand the concept.

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

I have such a hard time trying to understand the inner child concept, I dont know why, but I get upset everytime my t trys to talk about an inner child, so we dont talk anymore about it.

I guess it creeps me out knowing like theres a mini me inside me? I guess I take it literally? I suppose I should work on this issues, but instead I make jokes about it, I even bought the inner child books, but only read a chapter and it made no sense to me it just got me aggravated. Why?

See my other posts. No reason to feel creepy. There isn't a mini you inside you. The inner child is thoughts and emotions you experience in specific situations and the way you respond with child like behavior in those situation. It's just easier to call it "inner child" than it is to say the mouthful I just wrote LOL.

[rainbow8]

I appreciate this thread. For some reason, a lot of people reject the inner child concept. I used to think it was weird, too, until I started seeing my current T, who does IFS (internal family systems). She taught me that there can be many parts: infant, child, teenage, and adult parts inside of us. They are just different parts of our personality. We also have a Self, and our goal is to have the Self act as leader of all the parts so they work as a whole, like an orchestra with a conductor.

The child part is there, inside of us. We were all children once, and sometimes react as though we were still a child. It's not always negative. When we have fun and are playful, that's the child part acting like she should be acting--as a child. My T says the goal is NOT to have the child parts grow up, but to release any burdens they are holding from the past, and let them just be happy! That's IFS therapy.

[Elektra_]

sorry but ur definitions are wrong.. id corresponds to impulses, ego is mediation between id and reality and superego is the conscience.
and i tell everything to my T otherwise i wouldn't be doing anything there. tc

Originally Posted by nanrob

There isn't a separation. See my post above Re: Ego. Most Ts won't bring up inner child until (s)he knows you are ready for it. If you haven't stayed with one T for at least a year, it is doubtful you will get to know your inner child. It takes a tremendous amount of trust for you to look at and share your most painful thoughts with anyone. I still won't let my T of 5 yrs talk about my son's death 21 years ago at age 24. It is just too painful for me and my inner child allows me to do unhealthy things like drink too much, take meds to sleep all day, isolate myself, and cancel appointments.

Originally Posted by elliemay

I'm not an advocate of the inner child theory. We are all adults here. We walk around as wounded adults. It may sound harsh, but we don't get "do overs" and that phase of our lives, albeit not perfect, is over.

We live in the now, as responsible adults with efficacy over our own lives.

I know those who, without a diagnosis of dissociative disorders, actually do pull out parts of themselves and give them names.

I think this a wholly dangerous way to be. It separates from the present, divests responsibility, and, in my mind, delays recovery from old wounds. It puts the feeling part, and the responsibility for that healing, out of our control and onto a construct separate from us.

Without a doubt, we get to grieve our past and what we never had, but the child? That child is no more. It's us in Right here, right now. Living, working, feeling.

It's the adult that needs the help.

I agree with this.

[Lauliza]

The id is the inner child so to speak, not the adult. Terminology aside, I am not a big fan of focusing on this part of ourselves. The id exists in everyone and everyone's is shaped by childhood experiences, but we can not give into it. Whatever traumas we experienced the real goal is to reach our fullest potential as the adults we have become. You can acknowledge and accept your past, but you can't change it. You can only change the present and future. Indulging our "inner child" doesn't seem healthy and is avoidant of what's happening right now.

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I think of my inner child when I actually feel like a small child. For me, it has no relation to unhealthy behaviors. Usually when I feel like a small child, I feel curious, delicate, uninhibited, young, playful, and literally-am thinking, feeling, acting-like a small child. This happens in Ts office. I think it's called regression (though there are 2 types of regression).

Indulging our "inner child" doesn't seem healthy and is avoidant of what's happening right now.

Sometimes that is true....But if we all were doing what we should be doing, we would not be in therapy.

[nanrob]

Originally Posted by amee200

The id is the inner child so to speak, not the adult. Terminology aside, I am not a big fan of focusing on this part of ourselves. The id exists in everyone and everyone's is shaped by childhood experiences, but we can not give into it. Whatever traumas we experienced the real goal is to reach our fullest potential as the adults we have become. You can acknowledge and accept your past, but you can't change it. You can only change the present and future. Indulging our "inner child" doesn't seem healthy and is avoidant of what's happening right now.

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The ego that is the inner child. It's the child-like side that wants to be satisfied right now. Think of how a small child wants what it wants when it wants it and has temper tantrums when it doesn't get what it wants when it wants it. The super ego is societal rules and keeps the ego "in check". The Id is the part of us that is present in the world. Inner child work isn't about indulging. It's having that part of us "grow up" so we stop "acting out" negative child like behaviors (demanding/temper tantrums) while keeping the fun and creative behaviors. When we say someone is egotistical or has a big ego, we are saying they believe they deserve to have what they want when they want it and they take great pleasure in displaying their "toys" (cars, boats, jewelry, expensive clothes, etc.).

[Littlemeinside]

Originally Posted by nanrob

There isn't a separation. See my post above Re: Ego. Most Ts won't bring up inner child until (s)he knows you are ready for it. If you haven't stayed with one T for at least a year, it is doubtful you will get to know your inner child. It takes a tremendous amount of trust for you to look at and share your most painful thoughts with anyone. I still won't let my T of 5 yrs talk about my son's death 21 years ago at age 24. It is just too painful for me and my inner child allows me to do unhealthy things like drink too much, take meds to sleep all day, isolate myself, and cancel appointments.

Based on what evidence?

And your inner child allows you to do unhealthy things??? Not sure I get it. I thought we as part of becoming healthy adults were supposed to run the show..;-)

[Solepa]

For me the inner child represents the needs I had during my childhood. In ideal case they would be mostly met and the child can grow as my body does. I believe that when the main needs are not met some part of that child freezes in development waiting for them to be fulfilled even in adult body.
That can represent itself in many ways and people can call it different names.
I can feel the conflict inside of me often when there is some expected adult behaviour which is usually in harmony with my brain but I feel the urge to do something else on deeper level. I used to ignore these urges and act as I was suppose to listening to social standarts and my brain only. What happened is the urges got stronger until I can´t ignore them anymore. I see it as my inner child screaming for my attention.
Of course I can´t do-overs I can´t take the past back and change it but I can stop for a second listen to that needy brat inside of me. I don´t like the needs it has bc it just complicates things but I belive I can´t just ignore it any longer.
For example: I don´t like to be touched but on deeper level I have the urge to be held and I can try to do something about meeting that need.... I can´t meet all of them of course I can go half way with some and grieve the rest. But I have to pay attantion at least.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by nanrob

The ego that is the inner child. It's the child-like side that wants to be satisfied right now. Think of how a small child wants what it wants when it wants it and has temper tantrums when it doesn't get what it wants when it wants it. The super ego is societal rules and keeps the ego "in check". The Id is the part of us that is present in the world. Inner child work isn't about indulging. It's having that part of us "grow up" so we stop "acting out" negative child like behaviors (demanding/temper tantrums) while keeping the fun and creative behaviors. When we say someone is egotistical or has a big ego, we are saying they believe they deserve to have what they want when they want it and they take great pleasure in displaying their "toys" (cars, boats, jewelry, expensive clothes, etc.).

I don't want to get bogged down in semantics, as I do understand what you are trying to say, but technically what you are referring to as ego, actually reads f like the Freudian construct of id. The further elaboration into the superego again indicates that you are pulling from Freud in your definition. The ego is the go between between infantile desires (in the adult BTW) and super repressive constriction of society.

Whatever you call it... just not buying it. Thank you for your opinion though, others may find it very useful for their therapy.

[Lauliza]

Originally Posted by nanrob

The ego that is the inner child. It's the child-like side that wants to be satisfied right now. Think of how a small child wants what it wants when it wants it and has temper tantrums when it doesn't get what it wants when it wants it. The super ego is societal rules and keeps the ego "in check". The Id is the part of us that is present in the world. Inner child work isn't about indulging. It's having that part of us "grow up" so we stop "acting out" negative child like behaviors (demanding/temper tantrums) while keeping the fun and creative behaviors. When we say someone is egotistical or has a big ego, we are saying they believe they deserve to have what they want when they want it and they take great pleasure in displaying their "toys" (cars, boats, jewelry, expensive clothes, etc.).

I don't want to get caught in semantics either but I have to reiterate that the "id" in Freudian terms, are the drives that we learn to control with the development of the ego and then superego. The id represents impulse. Egocentric refers to being concerned with the self, which is the ego. You can be egocentric without being infantile- it just means selfish. The two are not the same. The id is repressed with the development of the ego, that is the learning of self control. Impulsive behavior isn't generally validated beyond a certain age- children are taught very quickly to control impulses. We may validate the desire and redirect children in a positive way, but the same wouldn't be said for impulsive behavior.

If this type of T does lead to positive change for you that is great. I guess I just wonder how it works. Because with actual children, acting out is discouraged quickly by most parents. So I guess I just don't understand how re parenting would work or at least be applicable once we leave the therapists office? I have cut before, which would be a childlike impulsive behavior. But I learned to redirect this impulse, not necessarily validate the need I felt to do it. I needed to identify the emotions behind the impulse and find replacement behaviors for it just as you would with a child. But it was more methodical and black and white for me.

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