No where to turn

I have transference over my old therpaist that moved. He is the only one I want to talk to. I'm closing down on everyone(I'm not meaning to) and I'm keeping my feelings to myself. I don't want it to be this way but I just feel like no matter what way I turn I will NEVER have a connection like the one I had with my old therpaist. I'm so scared of getting attached/close to someone so I push everyone away(I don't want to though)because I opened up to my old therapist and when he moved I had/still am having a hard time which also caused transference feelings. I'm scared of getting hurt again but at the same time I want to have friends. I lost a lot of my friends because they moved away. I always feel lonely because I am. I don't do anything. I feel like my life is going to waste but I'm so scared to do anything in life and I really need my old therpaist back but I know I can't have that and that hurts me so much. I don't feel like I'm important to anyone.(besides family) I need help but no matter what I do I'm afraid of getting attached to someone and getting hurt. I want to continue therapy but I'm not able to open up about my real feelings because I'm scared. It won't be any different with another therapist. I will always be afraid of getting close and having transference feelings with someone else. I feel so stuck and have no where to turn.

Transference is VERY common in therapy. I can see why you don't want to open up to another therapist in fear that the pain you feel now will be replicated. But you need someone to talk you through these feelings. I would try and tell your therapist what you are feeling what fears you have. The therapist will be able to help you. If you can't tell them verbally, then write it down. I have found writing down my feelings really helpful. I think it would be good to remind yourself that you DON'T need him. I know it feels that you do, but you don't. You survived before him, you survived after him and will continue to do so.

I hope this helps

((dolphinlover))

It sounds like you are grieving, and that's only natural.

No one can ever be "replaced", but you WILL love again.

Thanks to both of you. I'm afraid to let my therapist know about these feelings because of what she will say. I started opening up about my feelings with anxiety and she basically took it as I was selfish. That's why I'm afraid to let her know how I have been really feeling. Writing it down I think would be a lot easier like you said but still that fear of what she will say about it is stopping me.

Perhaps it's important then to back up and deal with how her reaction to your anxiety went: I don't think it's sensible to force disclosure if you're not feeling safe already. Can you tell her that you thought she was calling you selfish and how that affected you? Once that's sorted out, I think going forward will be easier, and agree with the others that it just takes time to trust again, nothing wrong with that.

Thanks. Yeah I probably do need to go back to the anxiety conversation before I can continue doing anything else in therapy but I don't know how to do that and I just can't see myself telling her what she said about me affected me and that I always put myself down now. I don't even know if I want to continue theapy with her but I need someone to talk to.

I'm sorry that you are feeling so bad and feeling stuck. That is an awful place to be. Is your T a CBT? Can you give us an example of how she basically said you were selfish?

My friends moved away too, then I made more, then they moved away. Then I moved away. Separation pain is so painful. My T said this is so deeply painful for me to experience. I have a really hard time letting myself get close too, but then once I do, I consistently feel anxious and want to be with them all the time. Did you feel this way too with old T? It's like you finally, finally find someone you trust and who feels safe and who you have a strong connection with, it can be intoxicating.

I think renumerating about old T is a natural reaction for the state you are in, but it can hold you back too. Talking to the right person, someone who you can depend on, can really help. Old T can't be there anymore. I wish there was something you can do about this-maybe do long-distance sessions via Skype? Being anxious all the time has a way of making it seem your "life is going to waste". So true.

Thanks. I don't know if my therapist is a CBT. She said I was selfish when I was explaining how I felt when I have a lot of anxiety. Because I was opening up and telling her exactly how I feel when I get anxious she told me I'm too stuck in my own head,I don't care about anyone else,and that I'm selfish. I never thought that was true and now I always put myself down for it and question myself. I do care about other people and I have been told I have a big heart but because I opened up to her and told her I would rather avoid people than have to face my anxiety that's what she said. I don't think she understand what it feels like to have anxiety. I don't think she specializes in that either and my old T did.
Your situation sounds so similar to mine with friends moving and everything else. I did feel that way with my T but it got worse when he moved.
I do email my old T but it's only every 3-4 months. I'm not sure if he would be open to skype. I would love to ask him but I would be afraid that it would push him away even more since therapy with me isn't his job anymore. I emailed him a couple days ago but he hasn't gotten back to me and my mind keeps going everywhere thinking he may not ever get back to me. I'm always worried that will happen one day.

That is so terrible. It's true about anxiety being stuck in your head, but to say you don't care and are selfish-that borders on abusive. If that is exactly how she put it, it seems like she might have unresolved issues that seep into your therapy. This can make you worse off than having no therapist. I'm not one to say "get a new T", but this sounds unhealthy, and I really do think it's possible you could benefit from finding a new T. Could you stay with her while you search for another?

Just a suggestion - psychoanalytic therapy is very relational, so they can help with attachment issues, and analysts don't criticize or judge, but rather accept and understand. You could google the name of your city and the phrase psychoanalytic organization, and find the institute nearest your city. They would be glad to give you a referral when you call, and feel free to tell them, briefly, your main concerns over the phone if you can.

It might really help to have someone empathetic and understanding to work through your feelings of loss and grief from losing your former T. My new T is really helping with these types of feelings of loss. There are many Ts out there who are competent and helpful, and who plan to stay in the area and not retire (although no one can guarantee that). Hopefully you will be able to trust again when you have someone more appropriate who could help work through these issues with you.

The last time I went to see her we ran out of things to talk about in a half hour so she wanted me to ask questions about her life. The only reason we ran out of things to talk about is because I have been keeping so much from her. I am only 15 so it isn't all up to me if I want to stop therapy with her. I could probably stay with her while looking for someone else and just not let her know I'm looking for another therapist.
Thanks for the suggestion. I will look into psychoanalytic therapy.
I'm really glad your T is helping you. It's hard to find a good T.

I'm sorry to hear that Dolphin. I had no idea you were that young-you don't seem like it. Please let us know how things work out for you.

Yeah I'm just really mature because I have so much going on right now so it kinda pushed me to grow up. The last couple days haven't been the best for me. I have been really upset from my old therapist not getting back to my email. It really hurts knowing he may not want to talk anymore.

I just wanted to agree with the fact that relational psychoanalysis is super awesome for relational issues. It's a modern approach to therapy (not the classical blank slate psychoanalysis stuff you see in movies). I fell into it by chance and just wanted to encourage you if you were considering a change. I'd vote for trying to open up to your current therapist first, though.

Thanks for the suggestion.