[Asiablue]

I am having an awful time in therapy. I'm really struggling with the therapeutic relationship; i really like my therapist very much but i'm fighting against any form of attachment to her, i'm not trusting her, i'm not always being honest about how i feel and right now i'm so damn angry with her even tho i know i have no reason to be, over something so silly.
I am trying to hard not to need her, but i do need someone and i'm angry that the person i need is her- a therapist. I'm angry that my life is so pathetic that a paid individual is the only person i can talk to.

I am so fuelled with self-loathing and anxiety that my skin has broken out in psoriasis all over my body. I have spent the entire weekend in a state of worry and panic over therapy and i managed to drunk text my therapist last night- cos that was an awesome idea
So now i have to face the music when i see her.

I just am entirely lost. I don't know how to get out of this spin-tail i seem to be in. I'm putting myself thru this for no reason but my body is in true fight or flight my brain is flooded with anxious thoughts and feels spacey, my heart is constantly fluttering and i have butterflies in my stomach or a sinking feeling not sure how to describe it. I feel like i'm under attack.

"Therapy is easy"- said no one ever.

[archipelago]

First do you have a way to calm down? Either a med or some sort of activity that helps? Dealing with the rush of anxiety seems to be an important part of getting through this. You can't think straight if your mind and body are so anxiety ridden that there is a flood of feelings and chemicals affecting everything.

If nothing comes to mind, I can suggest a short breathing exercise that calms the vagal nerve. It's easy to do and tends to work temporarily.

Second have you run into this attachment issue before? Do you have a sense of what it stems from? Does any insight into it help you understand it better? It seems to me that needing someone is normal at stages. None of this is permanent. You might have times when you feel no need. Fighting against yourself seems to be making it worse. Can you just accept that you might need the relationship for now? Just a way along the path.

[Petra5ed]

The trouble is, no matter how hard you try or how much you don't want to feel attached you cant control it. I'm pretty certain that attachment is a process that no one can fully control, well except by leaving of course. I even think that trying to control it might make it worse actually. I'm in the same boat, and I do not want to be attached, but I am. If your problem is intimacy, and you are feeling the pull now, odds are good the same will happen with a new therapist anyways. I think you're really at that crossroads where you will decide if you trust your therapist enough to be honest, as embarrassing and pathetic as that will feel, or decide you'd be more comfortable with someone else, or just to not bother with it. By the way, I hope this is not weird but I am a fan of your INFP personality style. Oh, and try Xanax before sessions.

[unaluna]

http://forums.psychcentral.com/relat...elflessly.html

Idk how to do these things with a regular person. This is a good thread.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by archipelago

First do you have a way to calm down? Either a med or some sort of activity that helps? Dealing with the rush of anxiety seems to be an important part of getting through this. You can't think straight if your mind and body are so anxiety ridden that there is a flood of feelings and chemicals affecting everything.

If nothing comes to mind, I can suggest a short breathing exercise that calms the vagal nerve. It's easy to do and tends to work temporarily.

Second have you run into this attachment issue before? Do you have a sense of what it stems from? Does any insight into it help you understand it better? It seems to me that needing someone is normal at stages. None of this is permanent. You might have times when you feel no need. Fighting against yourself seems to be making it worse. Can you just accept that you might need the relationship for now? Just a way along the path.

I've been doing art all day, and it just comes and goes. The breathing exercise would be very gratefully received.

Yes i've ran into this attachment issue plenty of times unfortunately. It stems from my mothers abandonment. You're right, fighting against it is making it worse.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

The trouble is, no matter how hard you try or how much you don't want to feel attached you cant control it. I'm pretty certain that attachment is a process that no one can fully control, well except by leaving of course. I even think that trying to control it might make it worse actually. I'm in the same boat, and I do not want to be attached, but I am. If your problem is intimacy, and you are feeling the pull now, odds are good the same will happen with a new therapist anyways. I think you're really at that crossroads where you will decide if you trust your therapist enough to be honest, as embarrassing and pathetic as that will feel, or decide you'd be more comfortable with someone else, or just to not bother with it. By the way, I hope this is not weird but I am a fan of your INFP personality style. Oh, and try Xanax before sessions.

Thanks this is helpful. I can't control it and being out of control is freaking me out I am at a crossroads, i have been thinking bout quitting but it's not a good idea right now, i need to stay in therapy so really i need to man up and just let it happen.

[archipelago]

I learned this in a hospital so it is based on science and has to do with the vagal nerve which has a connection to the sympathetic nervous system, that fight or flight anxiety feeling.

So best to do this standing. Only 3 breaths so take your time. Open your mouth slightly and breathe deeply in through your nose. Pull the breath so the diaphragm goes as far down as possible. Visualize pulling it all the way into the pelvic floor and at the end when you can't hold it any more, squeeze the pelvic muscles like a keegle.

Then slowly blow the air out through your mouth until you are almost not breathing. Then start a new in breath. Repeat 2 more times. Careful not to get dizzy. I don't but some do. It is important to focus on the pelvic region and pull the breath down as deeply as possible. The vagal nerve ends at the pelvic floor and the muscles contracting help stop the panicky reaction.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by archipelago

I learned this in a hospital so it is based on science and has to do with the vagal nerve which has a connection to the sympathetic nervous system, that fight or flight anxiety feeling.

So best to do this standing. Only 3 breaths so take your time. Open your mouth slightly and breathe deeply in through your nose. Pull the breath so the diaphragm goes as far down as possible. Visualize pulling it all the way into the pelvic floor and at the end when you can't hold it any more, squeeze the pelvic muscles like a keegle.

Then slowly blow the air out through your mouth until you are almost not breathing. Then start a new in breath. Repeat 2 more times. Careful not to get dizzy. I don't but some do. It is important to focus on the pelvic region and pull the breath down as deeply as possible. The vagal nerve ends at the pelvic floor and the muscles contracting help stop the panicky reaction.

Ty that has helped a bit.

[PeeJay]

I'm sorry, I can relate. Even to the skin reactions!

Deep breathing has helped me suffer through and pull out of what feels like my personal hell. Distractions help as well. Yoga has helped me, as has vigorous exercise followed by a hot shower and sweet-smelling lotions. (Basically, self-pampering.)

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Asiablue]

seriously... those breathing exercises have just calmed everything in my body down, everythng has gone quiet. Ty Archipelago x

[archipelago]

Good, I'm glad. It's like taking a benzo, but without having the long sedating action. Perhaps now you can let your body rest a while and deal with the things in your mind and heart. I have mother abandonment issues myself and know how it can be to have that profound lack. Remember we all talked about it as a void or hole. And we all seemed to share how we felt it in our bodies. It may not help but you at least know you are not alone.

[Freewilled]

I can relate so much even with the psoriasis as I have that happen sometimes too. I think its stress (?)

I'm terrified to attach to my T and need to be in control at.all.times. Only it's impossible cause HE is the one with more power yeah, I resent that as well. I want to not feel this way. Not to need him. I told him at the end of our last session that I'm tired of talking about my needs and I find it very annoying. And some other stuff about my annoyance. He said he heard my comment about being annoyed talking about my needs so much and thinks we should talk about it next time Ugh. My mom abandoned me emotionally but I don't think it was her fault so I feel guilty too. Sucks.

Sorry you're struggling with your T. I hope it gets better soon.

[Asiablue]

that's right Freewilled, we need to feel in control and we've done that in our personal relationships but in the therapy room it's like we have no control cos they have what we need. Terrifying.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

that's right Freewilled, we need to feel in control and we've done that in our personal relationships but in the therapy room it's like we have no control cos they have what we need. Terrifying.

Yeah... They have what we need but...my T made it sound like I have to learn how to give what I need to myself. More self-care. Or something, I dunno. But I need someone to give a **** about me. To be loved. I can love myself but I want T to love me but he won't plus then I don't want to need it and I get mad at him for it all. Ugh. So confusing, huh?

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Yeah... They have what we need but...my T made it sound like I have to learn how to give what I need to myself. More self-care. Or something, I dunno. But I need someone to give a **** about me. To be loved. I can love myself but I want T to love me but he won't

at this stage i'm not even sure my T likes me!

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

at this stage i'm not even sure my T likes me!

Oh - I'm pretty sure mine doesn't like me either /: It's just super confusing.

[Asiablue]

Yeah it is.

[archipelago]

Ah but if you let go into it sometimes it can feel like a warm bathing in exactly what you want and then it doesn't feel as needy. It depends on a lot of factors so there is no guarantee; that is what makes it feel so risky. Plus it is such an intimate and vulnerable place. If there is some safety, just enough to have some trust, then it can be a positive experience. At least in the session and right after. It takes time to build up so that it lasts in between, but to get there you have to take those first steps. It is scary but worth it. I didn't think so before. But now I feel it. I have ended up internalizing the feeling so I can carry it with me. I still have times when I freak out or feel out of control, but my therapist moves with me during those moments and we get through together. Having someone with you as you work through this very primal material is really crucial. I happen to believe that you have to do it in relation to another, not on your own.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by archipelago

Ah but if you let go into it sometimes it can feel like a warm bathing in exactly what you want and then it doesn't feel as needy. It depends on a lot of factors so there is no guarantee; that is what makes it feel so risky. Plus it is such an intimate and vulnerable place. If there is some safety, just enough to have some trust, then it can be a positive experience. At least in the session and right after. It takes time to build up so that it lasts in between, but to get there you have to take those first steps. It is scary but worth it. I didn't think so before. But now I feel it. I have ended up internalizing the feeling so I can carry it with me. I still have times when I freak out or feel out of control, but my therapist moves with me during those moments and we get through together. Having someone with you as you work through this very primal material is really crucial. I happen to believe that you have to do it in relation to another, not on your own.

I just want to know that she's going to stay while i go thru it.

[A Red Panda]

Asia - I understand how you are feeling completely.

It's so terrifying to be letting these, essentially, strangers into the most inner parts of us that we've kept away from everyone.... oftentimes even ourselves. It's our normal reactions to literally flee the scene instead of staying around... and past experiences have taught us that if we DO stay around, that we'll be hurt/rejected/abandoned/etc.

And it might not even be that we don't have anyone whom we could ever need as much as the T.... like, you expressed a worry about being pathetic that the only person you can talk to is someone you pay. I feel the same way (although I don't pay to see my mental health worker).

But here's the thing: if we get so scared by letting someone in to our inner worlds who is paid to be stable and safe.... then of course we don't let anyone else in. There might even be people in our lives who would love that chance... but we aren't able to give them those chances because we're so afraid of the results.

I think after we learn how to let the T in... that eventually it'll get easier to start letting other people in too. And hopefully over time, there will be at least one or two people that we feel are REALLY going to be there for us... and then we won't need the T as much. I think that's at least partially the goal, right?

I have a lot of push/pull with my T right now. I don't really verbalize it to him, but I'm pretty sure he's aware of it - it shows up in the other things related to therapy and how easily spooked I've been by different things. He knows that it would be really easy for him to say or do something that would make me run and not come back (he's said that to me). And it's true. It really would be easy, because I've pretty much always got one foot out the door. But I am trying to NOT push him or pull myself away. Instead, I'm trying to push the damn insecurities down and push away the flight response.

[stopdog]

It might be helpful to remind oneself that it is not the therapist with the power. The client has the power. The therapist is just a tool for the client.
I get so anxious/stressed whatever about going to an appointment with the one therapist I see that I get extreme intestinal distress and I throw up. I do not see the woman as an ally or having something I need or anything like that. But the idea of going and saying to another human usually what I do not, I find stressful. When it becomes unbearable, I take a break and regroup.

[Asiablue]

I'm not actually this crazy with other people i don't think? What is it about the therapist-client relationship that has me in a complete state of panic?

[stopdog]

For me, it is the obfuscation by their profession. One never knows what is happening and they deliberately set it up to manipulate clients. I decline the manipulation when I see it, but certainly they are wily and there could be some I miss. Sometimes I inadvertantly relax and walk into their trap. That stresses me out.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

It might be helpful to remind oneself that it is not the therapist with the power. The client has the power. The therapist is just a tool for the client.
I get so anxious/stressed whatever about going to an appointment with the one therapist I see that I get extreme intestinal distress and I throw up. When it becomes unbearable, I take a break and regroup.

i do try to remind myself that i can walk away anytime, i do have power within the relationship. But i do inevitably get attached or bonded or whatever it is, it just comes naturally, when i like someone and i share things with them, i can't help it and then that's when i get all crazy and petrified of it all falling apart.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by stopdog

For me, it is the obfuscation by their profession. One never knows what is happening and they deliberately set it up to manipulate clients. I decline the manipulation when I see it, but certainly they are wily and there could be some I miss. Sometimes I inadvertantly relax and walk into their trap. That stresses me out.

what is set up to manipulate, what kind of thing?