I had a tough session today, so I'm just going to process it a bit here. Feel free not to read this. I put a trigger icon because it might be triggering for some. This is terribly long, but I need to get it out of my head in some organized fashion.

He had a definite goal for me today. Now that I am through the insomnia problem and headed back to pretty stable, he wanted to talk about using my skills to deal with things that are potentially triggering for me so I don't get triggered in the first place. He believes that when I forget to use my skills and end up triggered, I set myself up for depression.

That led to a discussion of exactly what triggers me. I realize that when I feel guilty or feel accused wrongly, that sets me off in a heartbeat. For instance, when my son was hospitalized last year, all my mommy guilt buttons went off and it started a spiral into a bipolar depressive episode that eventually landed me in the hospital a few months later. We talked about how I felt terribly guilty, but there was nothing I had done wrong. I have no control over my son's depression. I needed to have kept the depression and behavior problems as his stuff and do what I needed to do to help him without placing undeserved guilt on myself.

He wanted to know where my guilt issues originated from in my life, my history. Ugh. He had to go there. Yuck. It was a no-brainer. I felt responsible, for instance, for the divorce of one of my abusers because I spoke up. Stuff like that. He started asking why the wife had stayed with the abuser even after she knew what he had done. We talked about her lack of self-esteem, the man's charismatic personality, etc.

It came down to a situation in early childhood where this same woman had been left on her own. At that same period of time, I was first abused by a completely different couple. I was about 5, and I realized if I had been where she was, I would have been safe (sorry for being vague, but I want to protect her privacy).

Well, at that point I started crying. I don't think I have ever put those two different abuse events together like that. There is a connection. T feels very strongly that I need to share the early abuse with the woman as we are close now and this secret is getting in the way. While everyone knows of the later abuse, I have kept the early abuse a complete secret. While I crying, I told him that I just can't tell anyone what happened. Why? It's my secret and has to stay that way. I don't think others can handle the information, and honestly, I'm not sure I could handle the telling.

That's when he said something that really threw me. He said, "What you went through was horrific. I only know one other person who has gone through such terrible abuse. I truly do understand where you fears about sharing that information come from." We went on to talk about what could be said and what could be left out, etc., and I left the session okay.

It shocked me that he said that because I had often minimized my experience, and at the same time it was very validating. It says my struggles with recovering and healing from my abuse have been completely justified and understandable. It says he truly sees how what happened me caused such trauma and fear.

He wants to me to keep thinking about telling someone my story. I don't think my mind will change on that one. Too many people could be hurt, and I can't have that on my conscience (which is that guilt thing I realize).

Chris... Its so hard when Ts dig and strike oil...

Maybe it would really help you to share your experience with someone... Did it help you at all when you told about that situation when you were 5 here on PC a while ago?

I haven't really told any details about that here, and I doubt that I will because it would be highly triggering. The most I can say is that my abuse was at the hands of a husband and wife working in tandem, and it went beyond sexual abuse/rape and had elements of torture. That's as far as I will go here. I will never be able to share even that much with anyone besides my T.

It was really a good session, even though it was painful. You are right. He went digging and struck oil. I just feel covered in it right now. It'll wash off soon enough.

[sweepy62]

Im sorry it was a hard session, I know these things are very hard to process I have multiple csa in my history, which I havent yet totally disclosed yet. I understand.

[Arha]

Hi, this is my take on things, and it is based on what I have just read, in the context of what is going on for me, so if I am off base, ignore me.
I think that you sharing the details with your T is all the sharing you have to do until you feel ready to share.
I say this because I have come from a session with my T where he was emphasizing that I have a right to privacy and that I do not have to share anything to do with my health with anyone. I may choose to, but he was stressing that I should never feel obliged to.
I understand it in theory, and believe in it as a right, but really struggle to apply it to myself, and he ended the session asking me to ponder why I find it difficult to justify my right to this basic right.

You don't need to justify it either. Don't push yourself to share if you don't feel ready. Don't burden yourself with her "needing" to know. If no one is in danger because they do not know, you can keep it to yourself. Is her not knowing today really any worse than her not knowing yesterday?
You may be ready to share it at some point in the future, but at the moment my impression is it sounds too raw, and your hold on things too fragile.

I completely agree. He isn't really pushing me, but he does make it clear that he thinks that it is something I need to do. We have no problem agreeing to disagree.

[feralkittymom]

(((Chris)))

I think I would disagree with your T, too. It may very well be that it would be healing to continue to explore the abuse within therapy; but that's very different from telling anyone else. It doesn't sound as though you feel it is a burden to keep this secret. Actually, I wouldn't even refer to it as a secret. As Hawkspur said, I think it is more about privacy. But it may be helpful to explore the guilt issue. You have every right to privacy without any connection to guilt as its justification.

Oh, it is definitely a secret. There is a great deal of internal effort put in to containing and keeping it. Mostly it works, but sometimes it rears its ugly head. He is right that this is a huge burden on me, and he is also probably right that the people I would tell could probably handle the truth. But I have a great deal of fear and guilt wrapped up in this which is why I'm determined to say nothing. T knows all this and completely understands my views on this. We've spoken about it many times over the years. We've both stood firm on our opinions about it, and that is okay. Like I said, it is something we have agreed to disagree about.

[feralkittymom]

So, if I'm understanding, it hurts you to keep this secret, but fear and guilt keep you from revealing it? Is the fear and guilt reasonable? By that I mean, would it violate a value you believe in to tell? Is that what the guilt is about? Is the fear from the past, the present, or about the future, if you were to tell?

I never revealed my abuse publicly, nor confronted my abusers. I had no reason to believe anyone else had been or would be at risk, so I saw it as a private matter. While I never forgave my abusers, I also didn't feel any purpose would be served for me to engage in such a confrontation. I was able to heal sufficiently through therapy, and I just didn't see any gain to telling beyond that. It sounds like your T believes keeping your secret (I still don't like the word as it seems shame-based to me) is actively hurting you and putting you at risk. Is there any way that you can hold to your decision, but with less fear and guilt attached? I hope so.

[granite1]

chris I am sorry something like this has happened to you . I think you need to decide what is good for you.i know from experience how hard it is to keep such a horrible secrete .it sounds like a part of you agrees that saying something might be a bit of a relief. maybe practice a newspaper version with your T first and see how it feels . you don't need to share more then you are ready to .

[someone321]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

He wants to me to keep thinking about telling someone my story. I don't think my mind will change on that one. Too many people could be hurt, and I can't have that on my conscience (which is that guilt thing I realize).

Oh, I really would not be able to do that... I even told my T that I can talk with him about it only because he cannot tell anyone and he cannot do anything with his knowledge. He agreed and said that it's not the point of telling others, it's the point of understanding what happened/why etc. so we should focus on me and my feelings and not on others... I don't know if it's a good or bad approach but it really fits me

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

So, if I'm understanding, it hurts you to keep this secret, but fear and guilt keep you from revealing it? Is the fear and guilt reasonable? By that I mean, would it violate a value you believe in to tell? Is that what the guilt is about? Is the fear from the past, the present, or about the future, if you were to tell?

I never revealed my abuse publicly, nor confronted my abusers. I had no reason to believe anyone else had been or would be at risk, so I saw it as a private matter. While I never forgave my abusers, I also didn't feel any purpose would be served for me to engage in such a confrontation. I was able to heal sufficiently through therapy, and I just didn't see any gain to telling beyond that. It sounds like your T believes keeping your secret (I still don't like the word as it seems shame-based to me) is actively hurting you and putting you at risk. Is there any way that you can hold to your decision, but with less fear and guilt attached? I hope so.

It is advanced guilt (for lack of a better word) for what revealing this information might do to the people who hear it. I'm not convinced they can truly handle it, nor do I want my parents who are in their 80's to have to hear it. They deserve some peace at this point.

I did reveal abuse that happened when I was older because the abuser was a family member to whom I was exposed on a regular basis. It was a physical and mental safety issue. The family handled it not terribly well. They weren't horrible about it, but they made some tactical errors that took me awhile to get past. I've pretty much healed from that abuse situation.

It is the early events that sometimes come back to haunt me a bit which is a bit strange as the memories are in bits and pieces (but confirmed by the daughter in that family) and I feel really, really removed from myself as that child (or maybe that is the reason it still comes up from time to time). It hasn't been a constant, big issue; it just comes up like it did yesterday in the context of something else.

T knows my reasoning for keeping this to myself. I know his reasoning for getting this out which is that he really feels it keeps me constantly separated emotionally from my family and he sees it come up and result in pretty high consequences for me at times. He's right about that, but it isn't persuasive enough to change my mind. So we have been at an impasse over this for several years. Again, he doesn't push; he just reiterates from time to time.

Honestly, that wasn't the part of the session that got to me. I've heard that before. It's old news. It was pretty much everything else that came up. It isn't very often that some new aspect/angle/connection about my abuse comes up anymore. I've been over and through it many, many, many times. Yesterday brought up something new that caused a significant emotional reaction. I've had those kind of responses many times over the past 30 years of therapy, but it has been a great while since it has happened.

[peaches100]

Hi Chris,

While I can't come up with a helpful response, I wanted to thank you for the trust and vulnerability it took for you to post here on PC about your situation. I have read your responses to others for a few years now. Your participation here is usually in the form of offering support to other people. It is pretty rare for you to seek support for yourself.

I feel a great deal of compassion for you for having had to face some awful situations in your childhood. I feel grateful that you've trusted us enough to share it here on PC. And I hope you get all the support you need, both from PC and from your t.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by peaches100

Hi Chris,

While I can't come up with a helpful response, I wanted to thank you for the trust and vulnerability it took for you to post here on PC about your situation. I have read your responses to others for a few years now. Your participation here is usually in the form of offering support to other people. It is pretty rare for you to seek support for yourself.

I feel a great deal of compassion for you for having had to face some awful situations in your childhood. I feel grateful that you've trusted us enough to share it here on PC. And I hope you get all the support you need, both from PC and from your t.

I agree with Peaches. There's not much else i can advise that you don't already know, but i felt terribly sad reading what you've been thru. And want to send you a virtual hug if that's ok?

Thanks Peaches. That was nice of you to say. I don't give details about my therapy because generally I don't need help with it or if I do I just go to my therapist or pdoc as my support and for my help. Because I have such a solid, secure working relationship with both of them, therapy issues are handled with them directly. The other reason is just that I am a very private person and always have been. I've always been told I am hard to get to know, but they tell me that once they get to know me they are so glad they were persistent about it. I'm sure that is a self-protective aspect of my personality that I learned very early in life. I'm also very much my father's daughter; he is a quiet man.

Chris, I feel for you so much. My T recently asked me about telling one of my aunts about the whole CSA thing so she stops pressuring me to spend time with my mother. It seems to me that would just be impossible to do. I don't think that any amount of thinking about telling or considering telling would ever lead me to actually telling.