[Freewilled]

Have you ever felt like a completely different person in your session? So tonite I met with my T and I was able to be so carefree! I felt like a playful version of myself. My T even commented that he was experiencing me as being more "light and fun" in my demeanor....I don't understand this as I barely struggled to get my feelings out at all where normally I grapple for words and they escape me. Everything I wrote down to give my T I was able to say to him instead. I even told him about my lie regarding a previous session where I was not forthcoming with him.

Then I suggested we terminate because I'm feeling fine I don't know if I'm just running away from hard things or if I'm genuinely getting better.

Anyone experience this type of thing with T? Any insights would be much appreciated.

[tametc]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Have you ever felt like a completely different person in your session? So tonite I met with my T and I was able to be so carefree! I felt like a playful version of myself. My T even commented that he was experiencing me as being more "light and fun" in my demeanor....I don't understand this as I barely struggled to get my feelings out at all where normally I grapple for words and they escape me. Everything I wrote down to give my T I was able to say to him instead. I even told him about my lie regarding a previous session where I was not forthcoming with him.

Then I suggested we terminate because I'm feeling fine I don't know if I'm just running away from hard things or if I'm genuinely getting better.

Anyone experience this type of thing with T? Any insights would be much appreciated.

Well, I've experienced it because I have DID. But I'm more integrated than I used to be, so find that I experience this less than I used to. Maybe you could suggest that you look at whether or not to terminate after say, 3 or 4 more sessions, and see how you feel then?

[JayneJohnson49]

What did T say to your termination suggestion?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by JayneJohnson49

What did T say to your termination suggestion?

He asked me more about it and we spent probably half the session talking it through. He said it was up to me....he thinks maybe I'm trying to "quit while I'm ahead" or something like that. He said we can talk more about it next week. I would've preferred more disclosure regarding if he thinks I'm losing it or what, but he has always been about personal choice and whatnot. He would never urge me to stay.

[Karrebear]

Sometimes you just have good days in therapy. Not every session has to be filled with tears and angry words. It sounds like a very productive session. You still had things to tell him because you voiced them without having him read it. I wouldn't recommend terminating just yet (although i know this desire all too well). Let it play out for a few more sessions and see what T thinks

[CantExplain]

I wouldn't stop just because I had a few good sessions. Life can turn nasty, you get triggered in other ways, it's good to have someone to turn to.

Instead, maybe you can take this as an opportunity to dig deeper and take more risks.

[Mactastic]

I would not terminate until you don't have to ask yourself, "Am I ready to terminate?"

I had a session quite like what you're experiencing lately. I left one session in tears (privately) because I just couldn't open up to my T and I felt like our relationship was strained. The very net session was so much better, for no good reason that I could see. I felt pretty comfortable and said a lot of things I wouldn't normally say.

I guess we just have our ups and downs.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I wouldn't stop just because I had a few good sessions. Life can turn nasty, you get triggered in other ways, it's good to have someone to turn to.

Instead, maybe you can take this as an opportunity to dig deeper and take more risks.

That's true....I think I'm afraid of my T leaving me. I've been in therapy for almost a year. I really, really like him as a therapist and I want to have that image of him in my head when I leave. I don't want him to end up being any different in the end (if that makes any sense).

I'm scared to dig deeper but I know that's a decision I'm going to have to make....

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Have you ever felt like a completely different person in your session? So tonite I met with my T and I was able to be so carefree! I felt like a playful version of myself. My T even commented that he was experiencing me as being more "light and fun" in my demeanor....

Anyone experience this type of thing with T? Any insights would be much appreciated.

Yes, I felt carefree and playful with my former T quite often. Thinking back, it reminds me of my daughter who used to run into the room to find me when she was little, jumping up in down, wanting to share her excitement with me eg- "mommy, come look at what the puppy's doing!!" When I was talking classes while in therapy, I had strong urges to ask T to help me with my homework, show him my papers when I got good grades, and other parent-child things like that. There were other times when I was dissociated as the person I was in a younger time...Never knew what triggered it.

Then I suggested we terminate because I'm feeling fine I don't know if I'm just running away from hard things or if I'm genuinely getting better.That's true....I think I'm afraid of my T leaving me.

I think feeling that joy with someone can make it scarier because then we have more to lose. If you don't fully connect with someone, and close off your heart to others, there's really not much to lose.

At least for me, I never had a parent share joy with me, so I didn't know what I had missed while growing up. When I felt like this with T, it felt so good to be in the relationship and to have that joy and connection from a stronger other, but deep down inside, I was terrified of facing the loss of having it taken away and being left feeling empty. I never, ever want to feel like that again-the despair of not being a loved and crying alone in my bed every night as a child.

Have you given this more thought since you last posted?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

Yes, I felt carefree and playful with my former T quite often. Thinking back, it reminds me of my daughter who used to run into the room to find me when she was little, jumping up in down, wanting to share her excitement with me eg- "mommy, come look at what the puppy's doing!!" When I was talking classes while in therapy, I had strong urges to ask T to help me with my homework, show him my papers when I got good grades, and other parent-child things like that. There were other times when I was dissociated as the person I was in a younger time...Never knew what triggered it.


I think feeling that joy with someone can make it scarier because then we have more to lose. If you don't fully connect with someone, and close off your heart to others, there's really not much to lose.

At least for me, I never had a parent share joy with me, so I didn't know what I had missed while growing up. When I felt like this with T, it felt so good to be in the relationship and to have that joy and connection from a stronger other, but deep down inside, I was terrified of facing the loss of having it taken away and being left feeling empty. I never, ever want to feel like that again-the despair of not being a loved and crying alone in my bed every night as a child.

Have you given this more thought since you last posted?

Yeah - I think you're right. I was feeling connected in a fun way and maybe subconsciously it was just too much so I brought up leaving I do think it was odd that I came into the session the way that I did. I came in with no conscious fear and normally I'm pretty anxious. I was running late though and I walked into his office because if I'm past time he will leave the door open (this has only happened a few times) and I will peek my head in to see if he is there. Well I did that and walked right in and just said am I late? And he was like you're right on time. All this to say, the session started differently. Maybe that was part of it being such a dramatic shift, idk.

Interesting about the idea of having that joy and connection from a "stronger other"...I was definitely feeling that one. It's so very painful. I didn't have that growing up. It hurts so much more than I would've ever anticipated. Things are so complicated in my life right now. I can't face losing him and having to do this all alone again.

Well I did that and walked right in and just said am I late? And he was like you're right on time. All this to say, the session started differently. Maybe that was part of it being such a dramatic shift, idk.

Interesting... maybe you didn't have time to put up any of the usual emotional defenses so your behavior was not filtered through your ego.

[thestarsaregone]

I've definitely had a variety of sessions with my T in the time I've been seeing her. I think it probably depends not only on my mood, but her mood too. Sometimes I'm able to be present and do the hard work in therapy, other times I'm detached, and sometimes we just have a very light session (where it'll feel like we're just two friends shooting the breeze together). Even when I feel like I can spread out my sessions, I appreciate having her as an outlet every week. Helps keep me grounded