What 'boundaries' has your t crossed?

I've been reflecting on my therapy over the years, I think mine has failed because mine and T's boundaries were blurred.

My t has;

- given me gifts and free sessions and accepted gifts from me.
- my sessions go over by 15/20 mins (sometimes more)
- she wanted me to teach her how to do a sport.
- she went on holiday and forgot to tell me (luckily I asked)
- she's a body psychotherapist so she touches and massages me (some bodies like BACP don't believe in touching AT all)
- she's told me she doesn't keep any notes for me.
- She sees my best friend for therapy also (against her accrediting body rules)
- telling me details about her family and neighbours
- she's raised her voice and hit a wall in frustration
- tells me her opinions (I'm selfish, should see a shaman? Shouldn't have IVF and just adopt as 'plenty of children out there', melodramatic, she didn't believe my Sui thoughts)
- when I blacked out in her office she made me food (that was a kind thing)

It makes me feel my t has a connection with me, when she doesn't.

Has your t crossed boundaries?

Wow Raging, there are a few of those that would really skeeve me out.

My T has told me too many personal details about himself and his family. He also was going to allow me to lay down in his office after a session to collect myself while he went to lunch (I said no). I wasn't comfortable with that because of all of his office stuff in there such as client files.

my former T blurred the boundaries and things became sexual and kinky fast. so i reported him to the board of psychology.

some of those things ur T has done make me feel weird. what is a body psychotherapist? that sounds creepy to me.

dont mean to offend

RQ - those sound excessive to me. I know this therapist was useful to you in the past, but these sound extreme to me.

The one I see tries to play with/tease with me, but I do not allow that intimacy with her. She does not get that part of me.

RQ, some of those would really freak me out! (Hitting the wall in frustration?! )

My T has never mentioned anything about boundaries but I think that he doesn't cross any, always on time, no texting during sessions, no personal information etc...

In 10yrs she's never crossed any boundaries.

None that I can think of. We keep a friendly yet professional relationship. We've never even discussed boundaries in the context of us. It's just never been an issue.

I can see where some of those are concerning, but therapy is so individual I won't be the one to judge you: what works, works, what doesn't needs fixing.

What I did want to say was no where on that list or from your prior posts did I get the impression your therapist doesn't have a connection to you: I think the exact opposite, from your writings, the connection is clear and present. Are you feeling hurt and so denying the connection? Did something recently go wrong? Did she deny a connection?

As for my therapist, if you call a free session boundary crossing, well, I have had two free sessions about a week ago actually due to a very specific circumstance where she waived her fee. I wouldn't be comfortable with a lot of that, it's important to maintain our relationship, but waving those two fees in context, was extremely powerful and affirming: I told her, truthfully, it was more beneficial to me to know she cared enough to do it, than to actually do it. Accepting gifts like that is tremendously hard for me, so... I took them with gratitude and found it very healing. Definitely a very rare exception to the rule, I've paid for perhaps 200 sessions, so 1% of them were free.

My therapist has also briefly and with little detail discussed family affairs with me: she seems to understand how important it is to me to see her as a rounded person, the opposite of the blank slate/Freudian approach I was last subjected to and which didn't help me a bit. She's done that in specific contexts to help relate to me, not ever to vent or fill her own needs. That's an area where she does not ever cross the line: I always know with her that we're there for me, she's crystal clear on that one. She has occasionally mentioned worrisome things, like her car breaking down, but only to explain lateness or something like that.

Whoooooooooooa. This T has crossed serious boundaries.

None that I can think of. There have been a few times where stuff she has done has triggered me, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. I have issues with people being behind me, but T didn't know that and walked behind me down the hallway once...I freaked, we talked about it, and she learned that one of my boundaries is to not have people behind me.

My T and I have a very professional, comfortable relationship. The only time we've discussed boundaries is in regards to out of session contact - she would prefer I contact her more often, and encourages it, and has told me that if I ever start to cross a line of too much contact, she'll let me know (and she's said she doubts that will happen, due to my own reticence to contact her).

My T told me once that he would like it if I brought him some of my hydrocodone to take during our session. I just laughed lol

I also had a T a few years ago named Mike. One day I decided to take my friend with me along on my T session for support. Well he made the whole session about HER and HER problems. And ended up being her T after all of that.

most of the Ts i've seen have been totally professional and i really appreciate that. i've had two not so great experiences though. one self-disclosed way too much. while i had contacted him for coaching eventually he insisted we switch to counseling, but when i was really opened up & was vulnerable one session he decided to dump all his counseling clients the following week and go back to coaching only. talk about unprofessional! fortunately i hadn't seen him long and it was only bi-weekly so i wasn't very hurt considering. the other T i saw individually and she also taught an artist's way class and used my issues to try to manipulate me to stay in the class when i really needed to drop it. she said later it was a dual relationship which i didn't realize. i thought it was more like having the same T for both individual therapy and group therapy. not sure if that would be considered a dual relationship but i thought that was supposed to be okay.

i have to say i've learned a ton about therapy from this forum and now would have spoken up more when a T self-discloses too much or acts inappropriately. i did talk to the second T about what she did but it still basically ended my therapy with her. it wasn't the only reason i quit with her but a major one. that said, the first 3 Ts i've seen never did anything unprofessional.

Hi Raging Quiet, this doesn't seem right and it appears you felt it wasn't right as you were aware of the boundaries being crossed. Im assuming this experience is in the past as you say therapy failed due to the boundary crossings.its not clear if your currently in therapy but I would discuss it with my current T if I was effected by it.

My T was always professional and didn't cross any boundaries, we never touched (shook hands etc) and boundaries were never an issue.

There is a difference between boundary crossings (may be helpful) and boundary violations(not healthy, legal or ethical)

My main T almost violated a boundary years ago when he wanted to tell me a famous person that he saw, the only person he ever threw out of therapy. I said that I didn't need to know, and that even jerks deserve confidentiality. He never tried to cross the line again.

One iffy crossing--when I was younger, main T said that we often flirt with each other. I was kind of horrified and he never mentioned it again.

All other acts have been helpful "crossings"
-He once came to get me when I got lost and panicked/froze
-He would drop me off at the subway station if we met late in the day/evening
-He sees my cousin but asked my permission first
-I have been hugged, had my hand held
-We have gone for walks
-He has lent and given me books
-He gave me a college graduation present
-He has accepted gifts from me
-He has disclosed a lot about himself
-We have met at a resteraunt for a couple of sessions
-I know his politics

-He has raised his voice at me a couple of times but always regrets it and apologizes

Growlycat, I agree that crossings can be very helpful. If she had not crossed these boundaries, I would not be healed to the point I am today:

*Loaned me a book (then told me a few sessions later that she didn't loan books to clients...lol).
*Used to hug me every session (now about every 3rd session).
*Has accepted quite a few gifts (mostly cards and poems, but also jewelry I make).
*Has asked me to stay if I'm the last client of the day to walk her out during the winter.
*Has allowed me to fix various tech devices (iPad, iPhone, iTunes, square she takes payments with) when I've offered.
*Has agreed to see two of my friends, but hasn't actually seen either one.
*Self-disclosed a LOT (I know she shared a great deal so I would open up to her)
*Displayed a handmade card I gave her for 1.5 years.
*Sharing her religion and political stance.

The things that could be considered violations (depending on one's POV...I don't see them that way as we have an unusual relationship):
*A couple of conversations we had outside of session regarding another counselor and a staff member at her old practice (she prefaced the convo by saying she wouldn't tell any other client...that I'm different).
*One time she actually became angry and raised her voice at me.
*Hiring me to develop the website and marketing package for her new practice. This has led to:
***A lot of emailing back and forth.
***Texting several times.
***A phone call one Sunday.
***Meeting 1x/week outside of session for 1.5-3 hours at a time.
***Actually getting to know T's non-therapeutic personality.

Where I am in therapy now is pretty cool because she and I both can effectively separate the therapy from the other. I'm now working on my biggest demons. Plus I get advice on becoming a T. It works for me.

Are free sessions boundary crossings? I'd just consider them pro bono work, no?

Anyway, my therapist hasn't violated any boundaries. The idea makes me as the idea's so ridiculous. According to official definitions of boundary crossings, she's done some extremely helpful ones, such as telling me pieces of her own story, for example. I have no doubt she has a careful filter on what she says. It does wonders for me to hear of some of the things she has overcome, because she's so healthy now - it makes me feel optimistic and makes finding my courage that bit easier

Other twat of a so-called T (he pretended to be a psychiatrist who did therapy, he was actually just a GP with an interest in young female patients and their mental health, I saw him three or four times before alarm bells rang and I left) violated LOADS. One particular gem was when he told me my bipolar friend was just regular, but I was sooooo interesting and fascinating and he's talked about me round the dinner table in the psychiatric hospital he was in that week. Yeah. I had massive sexual transference for a couple of weeks with him, and because I was a therapy rookie I flirted shamelessly and he flirted back. I used to feel like we were on a date in his office - I'd go in for an hour and be there for three. He self-disclosed in a mad sort of way, telling me all about his problems with his ex-girlfriend and how she stole money from him, and carelessly tell me about how some days he would need to take a Seroquel to calm down or Modafinil to wake up and get going. I was fine, because I could walk away and laugh at the inappropriateness - but he really messed with my friend, at one point screaming down the phone at her that it was Saturday night and he was out with his friends, and then bursting into tears and begging her to take her meds

I differentiate between boundary crossings, which may be helpful to a patient, and boundary violations, which are always harmful. I'm particular sensitive to boundary violations due to previous therapy abuse.

My Pdoc has crossed boundaries, but never violated them, and any boundary crossings have been for the good of myself and the therapeutic process. There has only been one time where we've skated a little too close to the edge of violating ethical boundaries as set out by his governing medical body (when he revealed to me why he had been 'off' in a recent session, owing to his concerns about another patient), but the situation was quickly fixed, boundaries were reset, and no harm was done. Despite everything, in that case I still believe he did the right thing at the time, because I have trust issues with Pdoc's and him being as open and honest with me as he could (without revealing identifying details) helped me to feel better and stop ruminating/self recriminating over what had transpired previously.

She's crossed her boundaries by allowing me hugs.

She's crossed my boundaries by touching me when i'm upset.

None all my Ts have been very professional

None yet. A. is professional but isn't super strict like my Pdoc was. He shares small amounts of info about himself to allow me to connect with him. He laughs and jokes around. Which I like. He is friendly and allows himself to show emotions. Which is important to me. If he was a super strict, serious person, I wouldn't get along with him at all as I have a sense of humour. He doesn't mind me using curse words. He is honest without being too blunt. If I ask him a question, about what he is doing with me, he will answer it. He won't hide anything from me.