Worried that T will call the cops

I think they scapegoat you because you have a strong spirit. You really are a strong person. I think you forget that or don't realize that sometimes.

You are not a bad person for not wanting this reported. Not at all. You are scared, especially of your dependent needs on them. After reading some of your history-how in the world could you not be scared and anxious of this???

I do hope that through your treatment you can become independent from your parents. It will happen someday. I'm not trying to give you advice here, but want to mention this if you want to put this in the back of your mind--if it all goes catastrophic/too stressful, you know that you might be able to finance living on campus while in college if independent from parents, right? Maybe work a student job p/t on campus.

Then again, this could force your parents out of denial, and maybe it will only be uphill from there....I am so sorry your parents, your father betrayed you like that. (((())))

xxx

Well, I've applied for about 12 jobs over the course of two weeks and haven't gotten anywhere because I have no work experience. I can't get an employer to even call back when all my work experience is self employed. I don't qualify for jobs through the school. I would if I went independent, but if I went independent now, I absolutely would be homeless and that wouldn't look good to my school or to jobs.

I'm not a teen. I'm 20 years old. The only place I could go is a homeless shelter and that isn't safer than being on the streets either.

Don't try to tell me that I'm making up my story. I have no reason to. The foster care system is part of what troubles me. I don't think they are being abused the way I was and if they are put into the foster care system, I'm 100% certain they would be. I had a friend who was in a foster home for 2 weeks and she was drugged and almost gang raped. I feel like leaving them in my parents' house is safer than putting them into that ****ed up system.

I am working as hard as I can and as fast as I can to get financially independent. I'm not "choosing not to take responsibility for my life". I'm looking for jobs every day, I'm saving money. But I can't just cut them off tonight. I'd be on the streets with almost no way to feed myself and no access to my mental health workers except for maybe LCM.

I don't think that emptyspace was doubting your experiences - I took it to mean that emptyspace is hoping you're right in your assumption that your siblings aren't being sexually abused.

Just as a question: are there no such things as student loans in the USA? Here in Canada... I applied for and received student loans every year that covered the cost of university and housing. I'm still paying it back and have I think another 5 years to go, but still. I was able to go to university because of that - my parents weren't able, or willing, to financially support me in the slightest. It wasn't because I was able to save up enough money to pay for it - I had to take loans. And a student loan didn't require me to have anything, because applying to be a student sorta implies to the goverment that I don't have much credit.

I get how it's hard to get a job, and I get how hard it is... but I just don't understand how it is completely impossible and how it's either "I take money from my family or I go homeless". But then, I don't understand how things like that work in the USA.

Yes there are. The problem is that in order for me to get a student loan from my school, I would need my parents to cosign it. They will not do that. I would have to get either a bank loan or a federal loan. I can't get a bank loan because I have no credit score. I've already taken out the max amount of federal loan I can. The only way I could get more loan would be to go independent and I don't know how. I'd need to re-apply to everything on my own.

I'm not shutting that off as an option though. My parents are currently trying to do my FASFA and they emailed me asking me for my driver's license number. I really don't want to give them that. It's the only number I have that they don't and they've already locked me out of stuff using my SSN and I've had to figure out how to get those accounts back.

I'm just clueless and scared.

How have you maxed out federal loans? Like.. what have you used them for when your parents have been paying for your education?

Like.. my loans from my province were just over $12,000 a year. I was in university for 5 years. This covered the costs of living in student housing, books, and basic living expenses. I worked part time on campus for 2 years, seasonal one year, and I worked as a summer student in a factory in the summers to help supplement the things I needed.

You should go and talk to the financial aide at your university to see if they can help you work out how to afford things without relying on your family. It's bound to be possible. Most students have no credit.

Actually if you are independent from your parents, you do NOT need them to sign anything and you get more money. More loans, more grants, more hand-outs. I am around your age and get enough money from financial aid to live on campus and goto school... and part of my package includes JOBS on campus, which gave me experience to get a job off-campus.

You would not be homeless. There are programs like Covenant House that takes in youth, not just teens. And youth qualifies up to age 26 in many. So, before you claim your only choice is a homeless shelter, do some research. There are many places that take in homeless "youth" and yes that is 20-26+ years old. You would not be living the comfy life you are living now, but you would not be setting yourself up for abuse.

Places like Covenant House (and others) have counseling, group counseling, skills development, training, kitchens, rooms, chores, etc.... just like living in a home. They help and you don't have to be a teen.

I am sorry I came into this discussion again, because it winds up the same way as months ago. Good luck, but you don't know what you are talking about. With so many T's, they could help you find the services you need to be safe.

Yes I have no idea what I'm talking about and telling me to be completely financially independent terrifies me. So I talk myself into circles and shut down all advice. I don't think it's something that I can do all at once. I'm starting by just trying to get a job.

^ Just throwing it out there that I was in a very similar situation last month [actually quite a lot of the inner details of growlithing's story are very similar to mine, such as my age and my financial dependence ...], and the social worker I spoke to did not report.

Look into special circumstances independent status. Your t and pdoc will have to write letters saying due to abuse and toxic environment you need to be considered an independent. It'll let you take as much financial aid and government loans as if you were an independent.

I think it's worth noting that while there are some avenues open to Growli, her school is not a full-service University--it is a private music performance college. I wish she were in a major University with an excellent music program because then there would be far more services easily available to her. My University even granted short term loans, I think up to $500 eons ago, in order to help students establish a credit history.

Panda, you're lucky to be in a country that supports its citizenry. 12K a year for university is a bargain compared to average tuition in the States. I assume her parents are not paying out of pocket--they are paying through federal loans, the limits on which our Congress has cut back drastically over the last several years.

lol a university with an excellent music program. I would MUCH rather be here. Maybe there would be more services available to me at a university, but I'm too stupid to handle normal academic classes and I feel really lost, misunderstood, and afraid in the general public. I hate trying to explain what I do to people who really don't care to learn and come at me with either derogatory looks or telling me that I'm stupid for going into music. Here, everyone is a weirdo and all of the liberal arts teachers accept and understand our lives and the music teachers actually know how to get jobs. I'm not saying that university music professors don't. I'm just saying that I'm thankful to not be in some education factory.

And my parents actually are paying out of pocket. They are these rich, snotty, bigoted, republican asswipes who don't donate to charities and just hoard money in the bank for them to piss on or to worship instead of patting their kids on the back. Their value is 100% monetary which is why it's really tempting to use their money. I'd be taking their own personal self worth and putting it to some use. Instead, they use the money and my complete lack of knowledge about money (because they taught me nothing) to control me. And I'm too clueless to break free.

I don't know where you're getting some of your assumptions. I'm not speaking about an education factory, but a top-rated music performance school within a University system. Your parents are filing FAFSA--federal student aid.

Yes. They have to fill out fasfa to accept my merit scholarship.

I can only think of a few top rated music schools within a larger university that I seriously thought about going there but there are significant differences between universities and conservatories. I just really didn't like the universities. And you can say that I can't generalize all universities like that... but I actually can because as a music student, choosing a school is pretty simple if you know a lot about the people on faculty plus the general "music school scene", the type of students that go to each place, the instruments that are stronger at which schools, etc. I'm still not saying that all university music programs are a waste of time. I'm saying that for my instrument, the faculty I meshed with best, and what I was looking for in a school, it wasn't for me and it still isn't.

I don't really know why I went on a tangent but whatever

It's those few I'm thinking of.

I'm still not clear about the FAFSA: if they've only used it to document for the merit scholarship, then they haven't used up the federal loan amounts available to them. They probably don't qualify for need-based funds, since they've only got one tuition to pay right now, but there are also non-need based loans available. They may choose not to use them (though it's an odd choice), but they would be available to you as a filer.

They refuse to cosign a loan with me and they refuse to take out a loan on their own. Everything they pay for has to be out of pocket because of their personal issues. The only reason I got to go to my school is because I won enough merit scholarship in my audition to make it possible for them to pay it out of pocket.

Yes, it is an odd choice and I don't understand it. My mom said my education isn't worth taking a loan to pay. In her mind, taking out a loan is like cheating or stealing and I would be really evil to make her do that. They won't take out a loan for my school even when they said they couldn't afford my mental health treatment, they wouldn't cosign a loan with me, and because of that they are paying over half of all of my expenses out of pocket.

Another strange thing is that they claim to be broke and can't afford anything yet when I said I found a cheap apartment that I could move to next year, they said they won't pay for it and insist on me moving back into the dorms. Regardless on whether or not that will happen and my feelings on it, the minimum board would be $12k. I would probably need to take a single because I don't think the school would let me have a roommate and it would be even more. I found an apartment that would cost under half of that but they refuse.

I actually think they are crazy.

OK--but then the federal non-need funds aren't "used up." They would be available to you as an independent. 12K isn't a bad deal for room and board in your city. It's also safer for you and takes that financial burden off of you if you're not going to be independent.

12k for a lease that lasts less than 9 months with no access to a kitchen

I have no idea what I'm talking about or what anyone else is talking about. I think that's obvious and I feel stupid and overwhelmed

You have to factor in how safe--or not--the neighborhood is, the cost of utilities, unless they're included, household goods, and the cost of food--including the hassle/time of shopping and preparing meals. I know your city well; I think there's a downside to renting alone. Sometimes groups can get a deal on a space because the associated costs are split, but it's a lot tougher alone (been down that road many a time.)

You don't have to decide everything at this minute. Just keep filing away info for the future.

I know the location and I'd be renting with two guys from school.

Am I crazy? I think I sound crazy. People are increasingly referring to me has having lots of mental health problems. While that's true, I don't remember people calling me mentally handicapped as much and all I can think about is the past and wanting to see LCM. I feel crazy that it feels like she'd my mom. Most people don't do that

I don't think you sound crazy. I do think you tend to block out or distort information and that keeps you feeling that life is spinning out of control. And then your "touchstone" is LCM--not weird at all. Who is referring to you as mentally handicapped?

No one. I'm calling myself mentally handicapped.

Why do I do this? Why do I distort and block stuff and how much am I distorting and blocking? I like to think I'm fairly connected with reality but I know nothing

I think it depends upon your mood and emotional state. When our defenses block or distort information to protect ourselves in one area, the effect spreads to other areas. That's just a psychological reality. The up-side of this, though, is that changes in one area can have an effect on other areas. So even small tweaks in taking control of aspects of your practical life, can have positive effects on your psychological life.

I went to the gym today and would that be a practical change? I'm sorry. I'm somewhat drugged up and I'm kinda talking nonsense. I'm just glad I'm not emailing LCM. I love her and she's all I have in the world. Well in my mind at least. She talked me into going to the gym. I went because I wanted to make her happy but it just ended up making me miserable bevarawc I wanted her praise when I got back. Like I wanted the reward from going because exercise makes me angry and not like the good angry. Bad angry.

But she asked me how I said I wouldn't bring her up to TT in order to make them not feud but I said that she always comes up in all of my sessions. And she asked why and I just kinda laughed like she has no idea that she is pretty much the most important person in my life right now. I didn't tell her that. I told GeV that I bring her up because I love her. I wonder if she would adopt me if she could. I wanna ask but I'm scared of her saying no so i won't

Anyway thanks for talking to me even though I'm crazy and aeird

Growlithing, I believe that your worries about homelessness and possibly destroying your future are valid, and need to be taken seriously.

I don't think your thinking is distorted, I think it is realistic.

Folks, I have some experience in this area in Mass. and the support available for homeless and destitute is so inadequate. There aren't close to enough beds, and any available housing is often unsafe. (I mean drug dealing, criminals, etc.) And there's no guarantee that the housing will be close to her school -- folks in eastern Mass are often shipped to western Mass. Not fun. Nor is it guaranteed that reporting her parents will make it safer for her siblings. Foster care is not necessarily safe, as posters here have mentioned. And pissing off unstable parents may rock the boat in completely unpredictable ways, possibly making it worse for her siblings in all kinds of directions. (What if they decide it's the siblings who have reported?)

Growlithing, you are taking steps to care for yourself by trying to find a job, going to the gym, and, yes, going to college. This is a very good thing!

It is appropriate to look for a way to help your siblings, to find out if they need help. But that does not mean crashing thoughtlessly into a really brutal system. And by that I do mean automatically, impulsively, hastily reporting the possibility of abuse. There may be other, better ways.

This is all a process, folks.

Growlithing, there probably are avenues of help available -- both for you, and for your siblings. And it does makes sense to investigate them -- the options for your siblings, the options for you. And it makes way more sense to figure out a plan for yourself, a backup plan that allows you to get what you need -- BEFORE you potentially wreck up what you already have.

People who are telling you that your first obligation is to (protect your siblings) (by reporting your parents) are making huge assumptions about matters where they do not really have the facts. And they are asking you to potentially pay a huge price that they themselves are not going to have to pay.

If your T really thinks she has to report -- (and I agree by the way that you should try to slow that process down as much as you can) -- maybe she should be helping you think through the process, minimize the consequences to yourself, help you figure out a way to stay in school, have a home, have some financial security, and all that very necessary stuff.

Folks, saying that there is homeless housing, that there is federal student aid - that is not a real back-up plan. The devil's in the details. A back-up plan is knowing laying out exactly the step-by-step details -- knowing who to call, what the eligibility is, etc. etc. And it takes time and hard work to figure all that out, let alone to make it happen.

Growlithing, you are in a very difficult place, but you are not crazy. You are doing the right thing, you are being careful and taking thoughtful steps.

It is all a process.

(I've been somewhat in your shoes. Be gentle with yourself.)

I think it's a bit of an exaggeration to say people are encouraging her to just cut ties with her parents and take what comes. I think people are merely encouraging her to look into all possible options fully before making any final decisions. However, whether any action is taken is totally up to her and what she really desires for herself and her willingness to look into how to make those desires come true for herself. Yes it will take a lot of forethought and planning but people are just reintegrating that there are options to look into. I think more so she doesn't feel stuck in the situation she was just in over Christmas that was extremely stressful for her.. And legitimately so.