So I finally told my T, face to face, that I have feelings for him.

I had sent him two texts in the past two weeks that were unanswered. One about wanting to talk to him all the time, blah blah blah. He never responded to either of those.

I came in there obviously acting weird. He was happy to see me, asking how work, life, and everything else is. I just say "good, fine." (which is out of the ordinary, because I'm always *****ing about something.)

Finally I just came out with it. Told him I've been experiencing some transference. He asked "Are you liking me more than you should?" I nodded and looked at the ground.

He said that it's happened before and told me to describe those feelings. I said it was a mix between romantic, father figure, and friendship.

Then he said that he wants me to know that a romantic relationship between him and I could never happen, ever. Not even on the table. I looked like I was about to cry. (I was).

But then he said that he's not gonna refer me to someone else, so now that I got that fear of abandonment out of the way, he wanted to talk more. He admitted this was awkward for him too, so he said not to worry.

I told him that the child in me thinks it's not fair. That if I had met him under different circumstances, in a different time, in a different place, things could be different. He agreed and said "Good point." He said that he does care about me and enjoys our energy together and honest to god wants to HELP me. I just told him I think he's so wonderful, and there are no men my age like that. He asked if I've always been interested in older men, and yeah, I guess I have. He told me that maybe I could take what I like about him and try to find someone else with a bit of those qualities, because it obviously won't happen here.

I asked if he ever gets depressed, angry, etc. He laughed. He said he does, but that he doesn't like to wallow in it. I was like, "How on earth could you sit here and listen to people wallowing???" He wants to help them come to solutions.

I told him my beef with therapy is that us as clients are sharing these intimate emotions with someone, and they're just supposed to remain a robot? What was I paying him for? He says he likes to be honest and maybe self-discloses more than the average therapist. He said I can ask him anything, but that he won't answer everything, because some things are not for me to know.

In any case, he told me was seriously proud of me for bringing this up. He said, "I was waiting for you to say something, because honestly, I've known the whole time."

I was like, "What?????? Am I that transparent?" And he said, No. I just know what to look for." My face was really red after that. It was so embarrassing.

So now he just wants to work with me through this and explore how to work on myself and find a mate that suits my needs. We ended the session on a good note.

But then I stupidly texted him a few hours later stating that I didn't expect any reply from him, but that I felt a big relief telling him tonight, but also slightly disappointed. But also that if he was any less honorable of a man, then I probably wouldn't even be interested in him in the first place. I told him I didn't know what I was expecting and that I've been watching too much of that show "In Treatment." Then I thanked him again and told him I will try not to talk to him until I see him in our next session.

No response still. I know, I get it.

Sorry if this post is so dis-jointed. I was so emotionally charged last night, and sometimes it's difficult to bring up in words the exact dynamic of the session.

Wow thanks for sharing, seems you like you have a great T.

Great job! I think you may find now that you talked about it the feelings will diminish a little at a time...

You were very brave!

Thanks for sharing. He sounds very kind.

he sounds like he handled it absolutely beautifully. I have also texted my T and said "you don't have to answer this" but it was more FYI stuff like "the medicaiton seems to be working..." But still I wait for a return. She usually says "great" or something like that but still I worry so much that nothing will come back. a lot of us seem to be in that same boat i guess! But again you sound like you are in great hands with this T.

I think he was right in trying to help you think about what you may want to learn how to look for in a potential partner.

What you "love" about him is that he is "listening to you" and is trying to actually help you. That is what a truly "healthy" partner or parent would do, that is what you most likely missed in your life, that is what is the root of BPD is.

Just because he saw the transference taking shape even before you did, that isn't because you are all that transparent, it is something that actually happens a lot when a patient is getting something they went without for often most of their life, especially in their childhood.

I give him credit for not referring you out to someone else, it is a challenge to help a patient get to a point where they too can learn to understand this.

OE

It sounds like he had the perfect reaction to your feelings. He showed compassion for them, clearly drew the boundaries, and wants to help you channel your energy into a healthy relationship. I hope I can have this kind of session this week, seeing as I sent a long, honest disclosure email to my T after a particularly difficult session. I'm beginning to realize it's not HIM I'm after, but rather the FEELINGS he gives me that I want. I guess the idea is to work through these in a safe, controlled environment with the result being you can find that connection with someone else. Thanks for sharing your experience.

Your T is awesome! He gave you such a kind, honest and non judgemental response. His insight was spot on too sounds like you have a gem. The no response to your texts is fine...he's letting you say what you need but saving the interaction for in session. If you can handle that then again, it sounds like you have a really excellent T.

I really admire your honesty and your ability to express it to t. Sounds like you both have a wonderful relationship where honesty is paramount to your work together.
I really like the way your t handled it and I wish my last t was as confident, skilled and willing to work through transference as your t is.

I'm in awe of your bravery in telling him! Wow! Not every one could do that and I feel inspired to be more transparent in my own sessions!

Thanks guys. It's really hard for me though, cause I didn't go into super super detail about how I feel about him.

I think it's okay. He probably still knows. I'm still upset he didn't respond to my other text message, but he's made it clear that's not how he wants to do things. He wants to keep the boundaries. But I think we can both agree that we really do get along great and have an energy together.

I'm so glad he's understanding. I hate that he had to be my therapist though. If I only I could have met him somewhere else. Oh well. I always want what I can't have.

Your post is so truly amazing. You told him the truth and his response, it seems to me, was perfect. I think you are on a great path with this therapist. Sounds painful, but if you read enough on this site, you will realize, with time, the pain will ease. You will only grow from this relationship you have with your therapist. Hang in there!

Thanks. I've been tempted to stop going because of this, but it's not like he was gonna kick ME to the curb, so should I dump him, especially after he was so understanding?

I feel like I should give him some credit as a therapist and let him handle these next few sessions after my confession. I want to see what happens next, but I am terrified. He knows this. It's because this is when the real work will begin.

He has me vulnerable now.

If only it wasn't three weeks till my next session, but in all fairness my availability changed.

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”

“I’m good at loving books. I’m good at loving soft bed sheets. I’m good at loving coffees and teas. I am good at loving things that can’t love me back, that don’t have the power to leave. And maybe, that’s why I love them.”[/QUOTE]
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There you go. Your last paragraph is why you are in therapy and specifically why you are having this attachment issue. Now the work begins!

I was told very simply my attachment to my T was because my he's giving me something I have always desired which is love and attention from most likely my Mother. But, he's not my Mother, I am paying him a lot of money, and once I find the courage, I will be out of there (and will miss him terribly).

So, I suggest you stay with your T, stop watching In Treatment for now (although Gabriel Byrne is to die for!) and read up on Transference. The cats out of the bag and you will actually begin to feel more comfortable around your T. Does this help?

Winenot, I can sympathize with everything you're feeling, including the quote you have as your signature. I'm starting to feel like my T has me cornered and vulnerable and he's about to learn a lot about me. This is so terrifying.

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Hi winenot3, I can really relate to what you are going through. It's hard.
I told my T at the begining of the month that I felt I was dependent on him.
I'm glad I told him, it feels much better getting it out in the open. He was good about it.
It seems your T took it well too, I suppose they are trained to cope with these situations and help us.
I hope that with time we will both be able to work through these feelings with our Ts and come out happier, stronger people.
Thinking of you.. feel free to pm me if you need a friend to talk to.