Double Game

I perceive that I'm playing a double game with Madame T.

My overt actions in the past six months have been:
1. a get well card where she injured herself (she sent an email thanking me)
2. an email saying how I'm getting on with Mr T and showing a drawing I did (no response)
3. asking a friend to say "CE says hello" (that should go down today)

But internally I am still very angry and I'm making a serious effort to forget her (see the affirmation below).

Outwardly I'm trying to keep the door open; inwardly I'm trying to close it.

Why can't I make up my mind to a clear and consistent policy?

I hate to diagnose over the internet, but I think it's a case of humanity. Very difficult to cure. Mixed relationships (you got something out of it, but not enough) ending with mixed results (you're mostly out, but still a little hopeful) makes perfect, sad sense to me.

It seems like your heart and your head are in two different places....and that you haven't made a decision to truly let go when it comes to Madame T. I'd imagine that the internal struggle is a process that you'll go through until you've become worn out enough to surrender to a decision.

I think you still want something from her, some acknowledgment you meant something to her and that she is sorry you are gone/she done you wrong/etc perhaps.

I am sorry you are still struggling with your idea of her.

I understand, and my heart goes out to you. I still struggle with this over t #1 at times.and i havent heard from her in six years, but i still have conversations with her in my head at times. Part of me still misses her a lot

This^. Your "idea of her" is transference, and it's unresolved. Whether or not you want to resolve it is your decision to make.

The affirmation was "It's over and good riddance." I have since changed my signature.

Sorry, I don't see signatures in order to avoid flash images. What does it say?

I've thought some more on this, and maybe it's not such a paradox. The more I let go of Evil Madame T, the closer I get to Good Madame T.

Incidentally, my friend did pass on my greeting during his session today. We figured she might say, "If CE wants to say hello, let him come and say it himself." Not a bit of it! She said, "Say hello from me too," and she was smiling when she said it.

She can be quite charming so long as I don't criticise her or ask anything of her. If I keep that in mind, maybe I can visit her occasionally.

Holding two opposing viewpoints about the same thing is maddening. I'm not being flippant, but that really is how life is in my experience. Nothing and nobody is all one thing.

Having the good around doesn't negate the bad, and having the bad around doesn't negate the good. They both are there.

You decided in this situation that the bad was intolerable. Perhaps it would then be easier to say that the whole thing was bad, but it clearly wasn't and you can't say that. There was a lot of good.

The pain, I think lies, in the desperate attempt to reconcile the two opposing thoughts into one cohesive narrative that makes sense. That might be impossible to do, as they exist simultaneously and defy combination.

This could be a great opportunity to practice patience and acceptance of things not making sense, but them being okay anyway.

A mental exercise that helped me is to picture the good literally (well figuratively I guess) in one hand, and the bad the other. Hold them in front of you and, in your mind's eye, simply allow them to be there - separate and distinct, but okay.

LOL! Love it!

There is certainly an internal struggle, but it's not head versus heart. The heart is divided against itself. It's love and hate, as simple and as complicated as that. The head says, "Decide what you want and I'll make it happen."

The Small Figure Exercise (qv) was an excellent way to unpack the feelings.

When a former T left his practice, I went through the same emotions.....wanting nothing to do with the T and at the same time, wanting to "fix" things that were left unresolved.

Sadly, I don't think I ever got over those feelings. Instead, they faded in importance. It took a long time though, and a better healing relationship with another T.

Something like that, certainly.

That surprises me. Your current T is truly amazing (although she's not in your life as much as you'd like). I am still hoping that when I find the right T, Madame T won't matter any more. Maybe that's not true...

I do I do I do I do want to resolve it, and Madame T should have been the one to help me with that. But she never did.

It said "It's over and good riddance." But it now says "Maybe affirmations are not the right tool for this job."

Thank you for this post. It is so applicable to so many relationships!

You're quite welcome. I put some hard fought experience out there, some completely gets ignored - or so I think! I'm glad you told me.