Just got back from seeing T

I had my session with my T this morning and it feels like things are good again. I did apologize to her; I couldn't really help myself. And as predicted, she said, "Thank you for that," and then asked me why I felt it was important for me to apologize to her.

And I explained to her that my intention hadn't been to breach her boundaries but I probably hadn't been expressing my need and my feelings in a way that felt good to her, and I felt bad about that. And I told her why her response to me hadn't felt safe and I told her why it bothered me that she said I was badgering her and what that brought up for me, and I told her why it felt like she was giving care and then withdrawing it and we explored where that feeling was coming from.

And she was supportive about childhood stuff. And she made the connection that last week I had felt unseen by her like I felt by my mother when I was a kid. And I felt really understood by her today. She helped me understand that when I was a kid, my way to cope with pretty much being ignored was to try to make myself as special as possible, and how that's playing out in my life with needing validation from other people.

And then she wanted me to make a list of things I liked about myself. Is it wrong that it felt like her asking me to do that (pretty normal exercise in therapy, I think) = her caring about me?

Regardless, I think rupture = resolved.

So glad to hear that!

Glad your seesion went well. Sounds like you made some progress. Contratulations.

Great to hear! I'm glad you felt heard and understood.

They think their SHOWING UP = caring about us. But as it occurred to me in sweepys thread this morning, for me, showing up does not equal caring. It equalled lying and pinching. Soooo - maybe thats why my friends go yuck when i say my t hugs me - cuz for me it bounces off; for them, a hug would get absorbed (as discussed in growli's thread). So you are seeing everything as love/caring? That reminds me of my first year with my current t, when i kept asking him if he was in love with me, cuz i thought he was acting like he was. Not because he was hugging me, but because he wasnt pinching me? He was actually looking at me like he liked me, and i took that as love. A drop of water to a thirsty man. Is this about safety to you? Some kind of psychic safety? Cuz therapy is supposed to be a safe place. Im having a hard time utilizing that space, so i wonder if its a new concept to you ie being really safe. P.s. i really appreciate your posts. They make me think / help me think!

Yeah, it feels to me like a really safe place. Which is why I worry so much about it, because when something is safe it can get taken away, and that makes me so hypersensitive to the threat of it being taken away from me.

Oh thats a biggie for me. I dont even want to work towards a goal, because any success will be taken away from me. I never tied success or goals to safety before now. Ie before this minute. Did i?? But it makes sense, for like ocd, disordered eating, hoarding - all my fun stuff.

I totally understand this. I get hypersensitive and paranoid that my T will abandon me because I have never had someone know me so well and stick it out with me. It is terrifying, and yet the only thing I can do is keep pushing ahead.

It's especially scary with T because when we talk about boundaries, her thing is, "I can give you a referral; if you don't like my policies there are other therapists." We've been working together for seven months. I know she's just giving me options, which is my right as the client...it just feels like she's threatening me with abandonment whenever she says that. I've told her I feel this way; she says it less now, but still sometimes, and it brings up A LOT of fear in me.

I can totally see how that would bring up a lot of fear. I would completely freak out if my T said that because I would interpret it as her saying she wanted me to leave. *Commence complete breakdown*

Yeah, that's exactly what it feels like...but I'm getting better at this empathy thing where I figure out what SHE intended by what she said instead of just hearing what I expect to hear. Working on it.

My T encourages me to ask constantly if I'm not sure or if I hear something that sounds critical to me. The only real rupture we have had was because she was trying to get me to talk about some critical inner beliefs I had sent to her, and as she was reciting them and trying to coax me out of the silence I was giving her, I was interpreting what she was saying as her saying these things were true of me. Even though her words said the exact opposite, something in my mind was saying she saw all those bad things in me and was secretly accusing me of them. Needless to say, I was miserable for the next week because I couldn't bring myself to tell her what I had been thinking and feeling. So now I try to tell her exactly what I'm experiencing internally when we talk about certain subjects (although often she has to stop and ask first because it's hard for me to volunteer that information).

I always worry about bringing up something that sounds critical to me because I feel like my T might get annoyed with me for "selective hearing" (she has never done that before, but others have) or feel like I'm criticizing the way she's saying things (this one has happened before, but it was during a session where we were both super frustrated). Your T sounds awesome, HazelGirl.

I understand this. I was told throughout my life that I was "making a big deal of nothing" when I tried to talk to people about how they were treating me. It is such a difficult thing to step past and be honest about. It takes practice and mentioning something despite how afraid you are. And yes, I do think my T is awesome. I don't think I could have found one that better fits me and what I need.