I feel as if I am entering a transition...I'm not sure completely as it feels pretty "push and pull" still at the moment...but as time and the theraputic relationship matures....I am begining at times to see my T as a therapist and not as my phantasy mother....and in those times I am not feeling so desperate for "friends"...not that I don't want any....its as if the reason and yearning and desperation to have someone is lessoning...its starting to become more important to be my own friend first....to listen to myself and not just "use" friends to hear my woe's....

Its not just a case of isolate or socialise...its just the question isn't so demanding...its at times like this it feels ok to go about my life and not have to preplan who I meet and when I meet....just to let things take their natural course......I guess not be on that hypervigilant state where I am waiting for the "right" person to enter my life and make me all better...

The phantasy mother I suppose...as I say its like a radio station is trying to tune itself in right now.....I sometimes get a clear message then sometimes its gone again...like an awakening I suppose...

Is this familiar to anyone?

[phillygirl]

WHat you wrote is very familiar to me! The part about not feeling such urgency to meet people or 'find' someone is exactly what I was journaling about last night. I used to feel so lonely and alone all the time and that why would anyone want to be friends with me in the first place. But lately I'm noticing that I'm ok with my own company, if that's what I want to do. And long evenings with no one to talk to aren't as scary as they were a few months ago. I like your radio analogy. Not so much the fantasy mother, but I see it as my head feels clearer sometimes now and it hasn't before.

Yes!

I have spent months mourning the loss of the fantasy mother and feel like I am coming out the 'other side' at times, but not always. I asked about the fleeting aspect of it and was assured it will get better as I have more positive experiences. It will become the familiar instead of the somewhat unfamiliar.

When I have those clear-headed times, it is usually after I have learned and accepted something, it has become part of me. It's good to know that so I can reflect more on what that is.

Being able to tolerate being alone is quite an accomplishment. Good work!


ECHOES

Thanks for the replys!...its nice to check in from time to time and see one is not alone in this journey!

[withit]

Mouse, very well articulated!
Wow! Seems you and your t are doing some wonderful work! I'm just curious, is your t a psychologist or a csw or what?
Seems you are drinking it up the way a thirsy traveler drinks up water! I LOVE your analogy about the radio! I couldn't have said it better. The way my t used to describe it is that I'm right there at the fork... but your radio analogy beats it, I think I will share it with her if you don't mind.
Keep it up!

Well I've never been told what I have to say is articulated...mabye %#@&#! LOL...but thank you anyways...I'm not sure what my T is LOL...that sounds bad doesn't it LOL all i remember her saying in the begining is she works pyschodynamically.....

[biiv]

Hi Mouse,
I had to reply cos this is a really excellent post. i know exactly what you mean about the radio and about the fantasy mother. i really dont understand it much myself but i recognise myself in what you say and also that you re a long way ahead of me but thats a good thing because it lets me know this is a real goal i can reach!
sorry. i cant really get my thoughts straight on this topic but i really identify with what you said. thank you for putting it so well and huge congratulations on getting yourself to this point!
good luck continuing to get a better signal on that radio!
biiv