What does this tell you about me? Was it impulsive?

Sorry long thread.

Hey, i'm new to here. i'm 20. Long story short, lots of issues in childhood regarding rejection from parents - social services involved - physical/emotional abuse - lived with my teacher - parents divorced - was homeless sometimes as child etc. Now possible PSTD / GDA and have panic attacks before sessions.

Started Therapy about 4 months ago. I experienced huge material transference with my teacher during school and boundaries were crossed and it mixed me up even more. Only found out about transference through this forum like 3 weeks ago - before that I just thought I was weird.

I come across as a really confident/happy/enthusiastic person with lots of friends and I am - but that's the other me - inside i'm a mess and I can't even open up to T without writing it down. I have fantastic friends but I don't confide in them - i'm afraid - but this is my ongoing homework!

So, T wanted me to write down what I needed now and so I did but i made her read what I had written after I had left.. and was so embarrassed and told her this because it was basically - need a hug - need someone constant / to rely on - feel looked after etc - basically a Mum. (which I wish my T could be but I know she can't and I stop myself from 'testing' her)

Anyway sent this e-mail to T after session yesterday because I told her how I was scared of confronting what I had written and didn't want to turn up ... What do you think this email tells you about me? Was it impulsive? Can anyone relate? I'm always so afraid T will 'get sick of me' even though I know she wont...arg. Thank You x

Dear T,

Firstly, I would just like to say, sorry if I was a little ‘dazed’ today – (you may or may not have noticed it, but just in case you did)... For about 3 weeks my sleeping has been worse, taking me longer to get to sleep which means i’m getting not enough. Don’t think it’s something to bring up as I don’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill and these phases come and go. Anyway, I thought I would use it to my advantage and not even try to sleep last night... because, my thoughts were: if I was tired enough, then I might be too tired to have a ‘panic attack’ – it might be all in my head. But it worked!

Also, the reason I ‘didn't want to come today’ (even though I did) was not that I thought u would judge me etc. It was actually the complete opposite. I knew, as always, you would understand and accept how I feel. And that’s all I want/need and it makes me feel accepted and wanted and understood and happy, and i genuinely know you care, so thank you.

However, you understanding and letting me confide in you and being so caring actually makes me a little sad/scared/angry too and I don’t know why... maybe because i'm scared of getting too attached or the fact I know that as we mentioned you/ i’m going to disappear in a couple of months and I wont have that ‘stability/ comfort’.

I always said to myself if I ever saw you as a ‘mother figure’, like I saw my teacher, I would stop counselling straight away. However, I’ve been/ have made such good progress and as you mentioned once, forming a relationship is part of the process. I don’t feel as attached because i haven’t let myself, but I am a little... and it shows because i haven’t been able to/ strong enough to not turn up or quit.. but that’s just making it harder.

I look forward to sessions on the day, being myself and having an adult I can talk to.. but sometimes I just want you to shout at me and hate me and tell me i’m being stupid and I don’t know why... maybe that would make it easier for me to walk away.

I’m petrified of not having you there as my ‘base’ – I don’t know how I will deal with another ‘separation’. Leaving school and my teacher was huge and it was a horrid feeling and that's when i started getting into trouble with the police because I tried to get through to my mum as i needed her as my teacher had gone but of course she didn't want me. I wouldn't do it again but.. Anyway, I don’t speak to that teacher anymore. It still hurts me because if she cared she might drop me an email now and then. (but I was an annoying/bad behaved kid at school..and it was school and.. so I shouldn't expect that)

Maybe how I am now, is normal and I just have to live with being me., after all our experiences make us who we are...And you have taught me that my actions were a way of survival and getting my needs met so I don’t think I’m that much of a bad person anymore, just need reminding sometimes!

Anyway, I feel I now have the knowledge and tools to get my head straight . I know what I need and what I have to do, I just have act on it and be pro-active.. and I will - I don’t have anything to loose and even if i do.. it’s another ‘loss’ I can add to my collection!

Just wanted to write that because I know I could never say it!

Reminder: You are not a bad person.

Why do you have to disappear in a few months?

my heart breaks for you. You've been thru the mill. I want to reassure you that transference, looking for mother figures is sooooo normal it's unbelievable. Lots of people who've have their childhood interrupted experience this. And the one person who can and should do this for you somewhat is your therapist (providing she understands attachment theory and trauma.)
There's a lot of grieving to be done too for all the things you should have got from your parents but didn't. You have a long road ahead of you and it isn't quick and definitely the hardest thing you'll do but it's so worth it and you can feel better but you will need to stick with the therapy and not run away from it. Take care x

I don't think that your e-mail was impulsive - I think that it was very honest and brave and I'm glad that you let your T know about it...
In fact I can relate to some parts of it...for instance, my T's being so caring also scares me and even makes me a bit angry, like every cell of my body is protesting and just saying "no, no, no..." - sorry I don't know how to explain it and why it is how it is...
But as HazelGirl has asked, why are you going to disappear?!

Hey,

Thank you so much for this support. I can't cry (even though I wish I could) but it brought tears to my eyes!

So, i'm at university and my sessions are free and therefore limited to 6. However, my T has been above and beyond as I've actually been going since June that is way more than 6 session - plus to be consistent she has even seen me 830am when work doesn't actually start till 9am! But I have to 'disappear' because I start placement in April, plus my T is changing job. She has already limited her clients - I may now be her only one. But that makes it worse because in the back of my mind i'm like, well maybe she can make exceptions.. and bloody adopt me. But i need to stop thinking this way!

x

I can't for sure relate and most for sure do not think that was impulsive .. Just honest which is what you are suppose to be.. Very hard to do to let yourself be vulnerable but if you have a good t then she will handle you with care

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk