support system outside therapy

I'm deeply attached to my therapist. I know that we are working on some really fundamental issues that will be long term in nature. It's already been a few years. I feel the attachment is a big factor in being able to work through some of it and I'm grateful for this opportunity.

However, I continue to be unhappy, perhaps, even depressed, considering the amount I cry. My therapist doesn't offer practical advice or steps to help me to move forward with my life. I'm aware the long term stuff is the major blockage but I'd also like to have a personal life with friends and relationships etc. in the meantime. Even if it is difficult. I have neither. It is very difficult to cope week after week on the hope there will be very small shifts over a long period of time. My life does feel as though it is being wasted and I am permanently lonely. I cry so often, but there is no other help for me except therapy it seems. It wouldn't be so bad if it hadn't been years that I've committed to therapy, I've worked really hard and I have seen changes in me, definitely, but, externally not so much.

I'm stuck. There is no one to tell this to, no advice to seek, it feels as though there is no way forward. I've been thinking about trying out a mental health charity to see if there is any support for 'functional' adults. Yet a lot of the groups seem to be in the day when I work so I'm not sure if it is meant for individuals like me. Additionally, I become very anxious admitting I have emotional issues to people I don't know. This needs to be overcome, I understand, but having anxiety attacks just thinking about it makes doing it really hard. I'd almost like someone to help me get to the point of being able to go to a group or generally meet people. Are there people that can offer this type of support?

I often wonder if the therapy I'm in could be supplemented or even if there is one more suited to my needs. But I'm so attached to my therapist, leaving is a very big deal. I've tried to talk about this with my therapist a number of times but we seem to go in circles and I'm left feeling almost trapped. I have to go to therapy because she is the one person I have to talk to, so going to a therapist who is purely practical who doesn't care about me would be a major mistake when I feel this alone still. But I would like other people to talk to beyond my therapist - that would be healthy and 'normal'. Just to give some balance between the pain and daily living.

I'm not sure if such support exists, if it would be available for someone like me, where I'd find it or how much it would cost. I would envisage it would be a short term idea, just to get me started at least. I'm not sure, I'm pretty aware of how desperate I'm getting.

Have you considered just posting an ad on Craigslist to find someone to:

Take a walk with once a week
Go out for coffee on a weekend
Try a new activity once a month

Or perhaps have you tried volunteering a couple hours a week for a cause you like?

When I posted on Craigslist, I just said a bit about myself, including that I have PTSD and wanted friends I could be real with.

I got great responses. Very simple, free, cheap, easy, no commitment, and no one expecting me to be perfect.

Another free, easy, no committment option with a lot more structure are the free Anonymous meetings. They used to just be for Alcoholics, but there are many now, including Emotions anonymous and others that might suit you. You're not obligated to speak or do anything in particular except show respect when others speak.

Have you told this to your T?

I can identify with a lot of what you say, I know how tough it is and how much it hurts.

Do you have any good friends at the moment around at all?

I know what you are feeling it is very difficult. How about talking with you T about this and maybe brainstorming ideas that would fit "you" and your experiences. I would think they would be open to helping you find a support system. Also, how about seeing if your area hospitals or mental health clinic has support groups where you would find people who understand you?

A support group outside T is a very good thing to have. It's worth working for.

I relate to what you are saying and so sorry you don't have support outside of therapy. I use to be in a similar situation, but I didn't even have a therapist. I started going to church and believing in a Higher Power and that's what ultimately saved me. I believe in being spiritual, not religious. That's my suggestion. I truly hope you find more support and start feeling better.

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I'm in your boat. I have a history of CSA and have no one but my T to discuss it with. She doesn't like much contact between sessions. It's so hard.

I went to sexual abuse survivor groups modeled after the AA groups for a couple years. One thing it was helpful for was destroying the sense of isolation and normalizing my experiences. The groups are free, nonjudgmental and don't require participation. I did find them quite intense though, was important to work on being grounded and knowing my limits, which I didn't at the time- that part was hard, but perhaps they'd be helpful for you. There are others for general child abuse survivors too.

Survivors of Incest Anonymous - Home

ASCA - Adult Survivors of Child Abuse

Thanks for the support.

I've not considered Craigslist - tbh I've not heard very good things about it. I've looked briefly at it now but it doesn't seem encouraging. Perhaps if I dig around a bit but I'd rather not read even captions of individuals seeking extra-marital affairs...

Emotions anonymous sounds interesting but in the UK it doesn't seem to have caught on yet - seems to be only 2 cities have it. I'd prefer somewhere I wasn't overwhelmed, in fact if I could be invisible so I could find out what a place is like first, that'd be ideal!

I've told my therapist everything. I told her how attached I am, how it feels unhealthy at times, how I don't feel I'm moving forward, how I appreciate the changes I have made, and she knows about my utter loneliness. I can be pretty articulate and try to be very honest. She cares, but offers no advice. It's a real struggle week after week.

I have 2 friends who live about 2 hours (minimum) away from me in different cities. One is getting married, the other is leaving the country soon. I'm stuck. I don't have any friends in the city I live or really beyond those two people and I don't have the opportunity to talk too much to them as life is pretty busy (for them). They care though, which means a lot to me.

I've tried to explain my feelings and isolation to my therapist. I've brought up wanting to go to new groups and the anxiety it creates and how I'm often left overwhelmed even if it goes well, and how that almost puts me off trying (in a sense). She talks through my feelings but doesn't offer advice on how to overcome my anxiety and there is no plan of how I can start to move forward. This isn't the therapy she offers, I've heard her tell me often. I've only tried one type of therapy so it's hard for me to know what else could be offered.

Perhaps a mental health clinic near me would be an idea - how do I start to negotiate this though? My therapist isn't in the same city as where I live, do I just ring up?

Yes, I've heard bad things about Craigslist too, but have never experienced any in about 10 years of using it aside from the case of emailing someone and not hearing back, which I don't figure is a big deal. Craigslist has specific sections, so you can go to the "Platonic Only" category for your area and post there, no need to read or be involved in the Romance sections. It is all anonymous to start with, so you can screen all the replies, and just respond if you hear back from someone that seems like a good fit.

I would encourage you to try talking yourself into something instead of out of it. Maybe list all the potential benefits. Sometimes anxiety can help convince us to stay stuck when it's not in our best interest.

Maybe you'll have some luck with the mental health clinic, I'm not sure about those.

Also, do you have any service like Meetup where you are: http://www.meetup.com/ Ours features a lot of free groups and activities around virtually every topic. Many have web pages so you can learn a bit first before going in person.

P.S. There are a lot of concrete tools for anxiety. If your therapist won't work on tools with you, have you considered a workbook, or other diy option as an adjunct?

Thank you. I completely agree with you. I have never thought about getting a workbook on anxiety, for some reason it has never crossed my mind such a thing existed. I've tried other workbooks but they seem to be a lot about thinking processes and I can think through and list positives and what I'll gain from a situation very easily. I know what I 'should' think but do tend to talk myself out of it once the anxiety escalates and my body is in freeze or run away mode. Its hard at that point to hold onto anything positive...I know it can't just be me that this happens too but I've never figured out how to get past this bit.

It isn't that I don't know about meetup or Craig's list or volunteering etc so i'm unaware of what is available to me socially but i'm struggling to overcome my anxiety to do any of these things. I push myself to do a lot otherwise in life but this bit overwhelms my capacity...I think that's why I don't do it. If I could, I really would be already. I know everyone gets nervous and anxious about new things but for some reason this is a significant issue I can't seem to overcome. Perhaps trying an anxiety workbook will help me feel in more control.

In a way though, it seems you are unaware. I mean, I'm sure you know that ways to meet people and interact exist, but based on what you replied about Craigslist, perhaps your negative perceptions, lack of information, and anxiety have meant that you have not really given such things a fair shot. Some of those options like the meetings and anonymous screening offer a lot more in the way of control than other interactions might.

I do understand it's anxiety getting in the way, so that is a concern, but part of it is just practical... knowing that there are X, Y, Z steps to take- taking the first one and working through the anxiety, maybe with a book or other guidance. Like, write an ad for yourself, or identify six hobbies you might be interested in sharing, etc.... like start a plan and run with it, meeting your fear as it comes with supports. I'll bet folks here could recommend a good anxiety workbook, if not, heck Amazon has hundreds of reviews of some popular psychology workbooks, you can judge from those too in a pinch.

I do not mean any of this in a harsh way: I mean it in an 'if you want change, it will probably start out as a very uncomfortable process' kind of way.

It reminds me of when I started doing trauma work in therapy- OUCH. It was not until after I had committed that I really found ways to make it easier, actually, and while my entry into that very uncomfortable work was a rough one... I got results, and then things eased over time. I guess I'm saying, if you've already tried a more passive form of overcoming, by talking it through in good psychotherapy, and want more in the way of results, but aren't going to switch to a more challenging therapy format... it might be one of those things where 'overcoming' just means putting yourself in some sort of discomfort and then working through that- like the cold plunge into the pool... exposure therapy type stuff.

If you are wary of volunteer work, it might be good to start with animals. Animal shelters always need help with cleaning and feeding.

(((((((( Abby ))))))))

Best to say it how it is. I prefer my anxieties being challenged!

It is the discomfort that i'm avoiding. The intense fear that "i'm not good enough" even though I know i'm pretty average and not highly dislikeable. I guess I constantly try and shape my behaviour so it is 'acceptable'. My therapist is forever saying I should just be who I am as everyone is moody, or anxious or upset at some points in their lives. It's pretty difficult to fully understand this though..does that mean if i'm feeling moody that I can be outwardly that way? Will that not annoy people? Or is it about being authentic but not letting it seep into my behaviour? Or maybe it is about not caring so much about other peoples reactions...they might be annoyed at me being moody but its not the end of the world as they're like that too sometimes. Confusing!

I've bought an enxiety book. My strategy isn't to force it but to try and be open to opportunities rather than feeling as though I should, get overwhelmed by it and end up not doing it and then feeling guilty for wasting an opportunity. At least that is what I'll try. I wish this was easy and I didn't have to endure the discomfort!

Life is so hard!!

I can relate to your experience. Specially the need to be able to be real with somone.
#And when people say 'just be yourself' - well, its not always that easy to just do that.

So, you're welcome to get in touch with me rivr.x@tiscali.co.uk, (hope that email works).

river ps, in UK too.