[willowbrook]

I hate that after so many years I still react at such a subconscious physical level to stuff that my Pdoc says or writes. I asked him recently by email if we could talk about therapy attachment next session. I explained the stuff I'd read on here, and that I couldn't see the whole romantic/maternal/paternal psychotherapeutic attachment with us, and could we discuss it academically next session (we often talk about different concepts in psychotherapy and psychiatry in general, and he doesn't dumb stuff down for me). He replied to my email and said 'Great question! Best we talk about it in person...' and he mentioned an author called David Manns. Turns out David Manns seems to write a lot on embracing transference love and erotic transference, as long as boundaries aren't violated, as a way to further the therapeutic process by tapping into more primal parts of the brain and using the concept of 'Eros' not just as sexual desire, but passion, creativity, fertility of ideas, and so on. Now logically I know this guy isn't saying 'Go bonk your therapist', and I know my Pdoc is absolutely ethical and would never, ever even remotely think of going there with me, but even so my first reaction when I saw the titles of some of this guy's books was like 'Oh hell the f*** no!' *instant bodily panic*

This is obviously something I need to discuss with my Pdoc, but has anyone else talked about this stuff with their T or Pdoc after being previously abused in therapy? How did it go? I thought I'd be okay with it, because it started out as purely academic interest, but then I got triggered and I don't want my Pdoc to feel bad or like he's done something wrong. Intellectually I can see what this author he recommended is talking about, and I agree with a lot of it, but physically my body is responding like 'RUN!'. I trust my Pdoc wholeheartedly, and I hate when I respond like this in a way that feels beyond my conscious control.

I think what you described is why so many of us are in therapy.... We have reactions, feelings, responses that are caused by subconscious that we have to bring them to the conscious to work through them....

Once you've had people violate your trust in whatever context... You have to learn who to trust and who not to trust

[CantExplain]

Thinks: The only way to learn trust is to spend time with trustworthy people.

Does that make sense?

[willowbrook]

Thanks for the responses, I agree spending time with trustworthy people helps build trust. My Pdoc has never done anything to make me think I couldn't trust him, so trust has been able to develop despite my past history. The bodily reactions I get are just beyond my conscious control though, and it makes me feel bad - like 'Why am I reacting like this, it's Dr T, remember he's the nice guy you really can trust'. I'm going to bring this up in session, because I think it's important to work through. I just don't want to hurt my Doctor's feelings though by saying how I'm responding to certain things - like I think he's going to do the same as the other a-hole who abused me (which he's absolutely not, I know that, but still I don't want to give him the impression that part of me thinks he might, which it doesn't).

[CantExplain]

I think he will understand.

[Depletion]

I think you might be talking about Body Memories. I'm most familiar with these in the context of SA, but I'm sure they could arise from any sort of intense or traumatic emotional situation. See here:
What are Body Memories? And How to Heal Them?

[willowbrook]

Originally Posted by Depletion

I think you might be talking about Body Memories. I'm most familiar with these in the context of SA, but I'm sure they could arise from any sort of intense or traumatic emotional situation. See here:
What are Body Memories? And How to Heal Them?

Thanks for this. I do do what it says in that article, talk myself through the feelings until I feel better. I just want them to stop all together, because my Pdoc is a good Doctor and I feel bad when I feel this way.

[Depletion]

Originally Posted by willowbrook

Thanks for this. I do do what it says in that article, talk myself through the feelings until I feel better. I just want them to stop all together, because my Pdoc is a good Doctor and I feel bad when I feel this way.

Yea, I do all that stuff too. I find that with some stuff it gets better with time. But other stuff like getting restful sleep under ceartin conditions is still really hard. Maybe you can just look at one of the books a little bit at a time. You could even copy and scan just the pages that you want to read so you don't end up with more. Find a way to make some kind of physical limits with it, so you will know that its coming to an end. Or maybe you could see if your therapist knows about any shorter accessible articles you might be able to read.

[willowbrook]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Yea, I do all that stuff too. I find that with some stuff it gets better with time. But other stuff like getting restful sleep under ceartin conditions is still really hard. Maybe you can just look at one of the books a little bit at a time. You could even copy and scan just the pages that you want to read so you don't end up with more. Find a way to make some kind of physical limits with it, so you will know that its coming to an end. Or maybe you could see if your therapist knows about any shorter accessible articles you might be able to read.

I'm going to bring this up with him in our next session. He knows about my previous therapy abuse, and that it did take me a long time to trust him. I'm hoping he can help me with this. I have a feeling he can, he already has me doing homework exercises that ground me more in my body and help with distorted body image due to residual anorexia issues - and it's been working.

[Depletion]

Good luck! I hope it works out.

[willowbrook]

Originally Posted by Depletion

Good luck! I hope it works out.

Thank you

[TheWell]

For me being triggered and working through whys triggered me is the most powerful part of therapy. It tends to happen to me in Group therapy. Someone will say something that triggers something I didn't even know was a trauma for me and I get a chance to work through it either in group, with my group T or in individual therapy with my individual T.

The more you get triggered and work through it the less that specific trigger will set you off. It sounds like that's what your doc is talking about. He sounds totally okay with taking through this stuff with you.

[willowbrook]

Originally Posted by TheWell

For me being triggered and working through whys triggered me is the most powerful part of therapy. It tends to happen to me in Group therapy. Someone will say something that triggers something I didn't even know was a trauma for me and I get a chance to work through it either in group, with my group T or in individual therapy with my individual T.

The more you get triggered and work through it the less that specific trigger will set you off. It sounds like that's what your doc is talking about. He sounds totally okay with taking through this stuff with you.

Yeah I know he would be, he's really good at explaining concepts to me and talking to me almost on an equal level instead of feeling like he's the Doctor so he needs to speak down to me, like other Pdocs I've seen. Like I said we have already started doing work on body awareness to stop the out of body, too large to fit in the space around me feelings I get from the residual effects of my eating disorder still flaring up every now and then, and so far that's been working really well for me. So I'm sure he'll be able to help me with this as well, I just feel bad for even having these feelings because I so don't mean them to be an insult to him. I just have to keep reminding myself when it does happen that he's the one who has my trust, and this is just my body responding to old memories.

And thank you