I had absolutely no intention of talking to T about some of the subjects that came up today. I wanted to continue where we left off on Tuesday, and we did do that, but the discussion took a different turn: T started to ask me about events that led up to my current situation, and I tried to give him a more complete picture than I had so far, of what happened 12-13 years ago. There was one event that I had told him about already (and which he referred to) which I have always lied about to everybody. Things did not happen as I presented them to people at the time, and when I've had reason to mention this occurrence to other people later I have told the false version. The true version is something I have never even considered mentioning. (I won't go into details here but in a nutshell I harmed myself and lied about it being self-inflicted. It did not lead to any kind of permanent damage.)

But suddenly, as I was coming up to the event in my narrative, I realised that I didn't want to lie to T about it. I wanted to tell him what had really happened. But I was scared to death that he would react with anger because of what I had done, and because I had lied to him about it. So I said that. I used the fact that my tale had gained some momentum (I mean, it's always harder for me to start talking than it is to go on talking once I have started - I think that's probably not unusual) so I flat out said "I'm afraid of going on", which, needless to say, made T very interested indeed. I said that I had done something bad, and that I had lied to him about it before, and that I had lied to everybody, and that I feared his reaction. We talked about this for a little bit, and I realised that I also did not want to tell him because if he didn't judge me I would feel guilty about not getting my just deserts.

And then I told him what I had done, and he didn't judge me, and he gave me his interpretation of why I had done it, and it was really, really spot on. When I left T's office I felt ten kilos lighter.

And now I feel guilty because the way I presented it to T, I more or less manipulated him into giving a nonjudgmental response. He knew I was scared that he'd condemn me, so of course he couldn't criticise me. I dunno. I'm glad I did tell him, though.

[feralkittymom]

It sounds like you understandably did what you needed to do to keep yourself safe. But that doesn't take anything away from the authenticity of your T's non-judgmental response. You don't control his response. He has no investment in punishing you. Try to let yourself rest in his acceptance.

That was brave of you Mast. I feel like FKM does your T was authentic in his response. No need to feel guilty.

[WikidPissah]

I'm glad you were honest, and I don't think you manipulated him. Do you think he is so easily manipulated? Doesn't he usually speak his mind and tell you what he thinks? I doubt that he was dishonest in his response, give him a little credit.

[someone321]

I'm happy for you that you feel much better because of telling your T the truth

I don't think that you manipulated him neither. If you were in his position would you allow your client to manipulate you? IMO T is the last pesron who may judge and additionally if you did something to hurt yourself, probably you had a really strong reason (I don't say if good or bad - only that probably something has happened in your life that in that certain time you thought that it was the best way), so why would someone (and especially T) be angry at you for it?

Mast...that was very brave....you are so strong!

[nottrustin]

Congrats for being able to open up to him. At one point I told T about something that had happened but had a very hard time doing so. I thanked her for helping through it and told her that I knew she wouldn't judge me but didn't know why it bothered me so much.... She told me it was because it wasn't really about HER judging me but rather ME judging myself and being harsh on myself.... I really wonder if that is really what we all deal with??

[coolibrarian]

Bravo!
When I used to SH much more frequently, I lied about it constantly, wore long sleeves and long pants, etc.

[Leah123]

I do not think telling someone you are afraid to go on if you are afraid to go on is manipulative at all. Nothing wrong with wanting to protect ourselves, although I judge myself for that a lot too. I think, rather, it helps to give our therapists that type of signal where we are vulnerable, so they do not exacerbate a difficult situation.

Like others have said, just because we ask for gentleness, that doesn't force them to be gentle, so you are not controlling, just communicating where you are at, and it's ok to not want to be judged! That's arguably the key component of therapy.