[IndestructibleGirl]

Or is this just me?

Today was my birthday. I'm not enthusiastic about it, it just makes me feel like a loser, it's a sore point at the minute that I've managed to get to 29 and be such a spectacular mess. I spent the day basically alone, which is fine - I'll be having a night out with some lovely friends at the weekend to celebrate, and I know I will enjoy that - apart from two sessions with my therapist today, a short 45 min and then a two hour appointment this evening.

I fell out with one of my best friends before Christmas, we've just started opening lines of communication now so she sent me a birthday message by text which was lovely of her. My other best friend is travelling in Australia for six weeks, so I'll hear from her next time she's able to get to a computer. Then my other best friend called but I was in session so she left a happy birthday voicemail and I didn't get to speak with her. My birth mother sent a text saying happy birthday and she was thinking of me, and I felt nothing, except vague irritation that she's not respecting my boundaries to leave me alone for a month before us talking again. My real mother is dead. I don't have a partner. So...basically, I was having dinner thinking I'm a bit pathetic at being so alone, really, on a day that other people enjoy and celebrate loving and being loved. Then my therapist replied to my text thanking her for today, and she said "I love you sweetheart" at the end of her text. She doesn't know it's my birthday. Her warmth, and care, and the love she gives and my being able to love her, well it's all really special to me and I feel extremely fortunate, and it was so comforting to get, because I feel at least there's one person out there who has my back and who sees me at my absolute worst and can still cheerfully say they love me, that's beyond amazing...but, at the same time it made me so sad, that by whatever quirks of life, that made me not in communication with my best friends for whatever reason, the only person who wrote those words to me today, was my therapist.

I know my friends love me. I know my sister does even though she didn't say it in her message, and that my brother does, even though he forgot today. As a family we're **** at birthdays. My birth mother loves me in her own particular, frustrating way. Or maybe I'm so desperate for them to love me, that I just see it when it isn't really there. I don't know anymore.

Am I alone in feeling this kind of thing?

Has your therapist ever done something nice, that you really, really appreciate but also unintentionally highlights the lack of love or care everywhere else?

I have all of the sads

Next year would want to be better...

[Asiablue]

Wishing you a very Happy Birthday

I'm sorry you've felt so sad today, i think that was a lovely message from your therapist.
To answer your question, yes i sometimes feel sad when my T is kind or thoughtful in ways no one in my family ever is.

happy birthday ♥♥♥

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thanks Asiablue. It's reassuring to know somebody else gets this, you know? It's not about being ungrateful for the kindness, just the contrast, I guess?

[IndestructibleGirl]

Originally Posted by invisible butterfly

happy birthday ♥♥♥

Thanks

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

Thanks

youre so very welcome! and yes we get that way quite often-sad that is-when we are told something nice like that so you are definitely not alone in this ♥♥♥

[Wandering Pony]

I think I'd do back flips if my T sent me a message like that. I can't imagine that in a million years.....happy birthday! ! My birthday was last week. I really don't care for it bc I'd childhood stuff but I am almost 40 and that is fading some and the day is getting better.

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk

[Wandering Pony]

And yes I still get sad sometimes not so much with my T who is not very maternal but with someone I work closely with who could mother a rock. She made me a custard pie when I had dental work and couldn't chew and I teared up....

Sent from my SPH-L720 using Tapatalk

[HazelGirl]

Yes, I understand what you are saying. I get the same way.

I understand too.

Happy Birfffday!!! Regardless of the mess in our heads...you still deserve to have a good birthday. ((I hope that came out right))

[growlycat]

Happy birthday and for better ones to come.

Yes, Main T has done many many things over the years that break my heart in a good way, but it does underscore what I grew up lacking. That hurts.

Even with CBT T in the car w/me, helping me with my driving phobia, I think of how I had 2 sets of parents (bio and step) yet not one person helped me learn how to drive growing up or helped me get driving lessons. I feel a lot of affection and gratitude for my T's and I worry they don't know how much it all means to me.

[feralkittymom]

If what you wrote could be expressed as a country western song (seems like the appropriate genre!), it would have been the theme song of my therapy!

Happy Birthday!

[Hoppery]

Happy birthday! We have your back too. We might not be able to be there in person, but we are here, online for you. Your T is there for you in person, we are here for you, online. Together, we got your back

[Rzay4]

Happy belated birthday, sounds like a nice T.

[phaset]

My therapist said some nice things about me a few weeks ago and I almost burst into tears.

[IndestructibleGirl]

Thank you all so much for replying. It's a relief that I'm not the only one to have this bittersweet experience at times. I love my therapist lots, so then I felt a bit guilty for having these mixed feelings, at managing to be sad when receiving so much care and love from her...but I suppose what's sticking out a mile for me today is that it really isn't anything to feel guilt about, because it's nothing to do with her. It's all about other people, and grieving my losses.

Oh, and thank you for the birthday wishes!

[Bill3]

Happy Birthday!

My T2 told me that she cared about me (you know as a client) and I sobbed on the way home when I realized that no one has told me that in a very long time....

(that was also the beginning of the end for us)

[HazelGirl]

I cried a lot when my T told me she "never wanted to hurt me" while we were working out a rupture in which something she had said had caused me to withdraw. I didn't expect her words or the care and concern they carried. I was used to being less important than other people's goals and plans and if it hurt me, they didn't care. But it was very touching to me that she cared more about me than about her goals and treatment plan.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

I cried a lot when my T told me she "never wanted to hurt me" while we were working out a rupture in which something she had said had caused me to withdraw. I didn't expect her words or the care and concern they carried. I was used to being less important than other people's goals and plans and if it hurt me, they didn't care. But it was very touching to me that she cared more about me than about her goals and treatment plan.

I will say this again, HazelGirl - your T sounds amazing. You are very lucky to have her.

[HealingTimes]

Happy Birthday, IG

I understand the sadness too. For me, its lovely that T is being nice to me, but it also (as you said) highlights the fact that I didn't get it from my parents/any one else.
I feel like it shouldn't be this way, I shouldn't have to get this from T, I should have got it from others, at a much younger age.

((HUGS)).

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

I will say this again, HazelGirl - your T sounds amazing. You are very lucky to have her.

I truly am spoiled when it comes to therapy. It's painful and sucky, but she makes it as easy as absolutely possible. If it is in her power to make something easier for me to handle, she does. The only drawback I have seen is that I have to be the proactive one in bringing things up. And I don't do that well. So things get avoided often because I just can't bring myself to talk about them. She doesn't force me, even if I ask her to, because she wants me to take the lead. That's just her way of doing things. We are trying out a new strategy soon where I send her the things I want to talk about and she brings them up in appointments. I can then choose to either talk about them or skip them if I feel like I need to. I think (hope) this will solve the problem.