[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Hey,

One thing we are working on at the moment is me asking or telling my friends when i'm sad or need a hug etc..or even saying I have a headache.. because I can't express sadness in my voice or body language in front of people... ps - I don't have family to go to.

No matter how bad i feel inside, I'll just say 'i'm feeling ill' happily and jokingly as if i don't care and am totally unfazed by it - but all i need/want is for someone to - i dunno - respond sympathetically - but the whole being scared of rejection stops me i think.

For example. i might be really upset in my room (not crying because i can't) but going over thoughts/stressing. Then my friend will come in and i'll suddenly - just like that change - and it's not fake. I'll be happy confident me and we'll chat and laugh. But then my friend will leave and i'll go back to that upset state.

Last session I think we established that i've learned that I feel i need to deserve attention or attention is only given in 'incidents' like: crashes - police - hospital. This could be why I always want something bad to happen - want to go back to my abusive past and why I go over past memories/ have flashbacks etc - because they are 'incidents' where I got some I guess comfort from Police/social services presence.

It's not my friends, they'd do anything for me, i'm lucky. It's me and I promise i'm trying. I just feel each time i go back and say I 'didn’t do my homework’ i’m letting T down.

It seems so simple just to say can I have a hug or i'm really not feeling great today i'm a bit sad. I know my friends would respond positively - But I've tried to say things and I can't, even after friends have confided in me - i just go all happy me - also I can't be sad over nothing can I? Nothings happened? I don't want to unnecessarily upset or burden people.

Ahh. Any help or advice or can anyone relate? Would be much appreciated!! 2.5 days till I see T and I want to do my homework for T and myself - because I really do think it will help with everything.

Thanks

[Auntie2014]

What is the homework assignment that you need help with?

[Raging Quiet]

I could have written this post myself. I'm sorry I can't offer much advice. I know my t gave me some information about codependency which was useful.

[Willowleaf]

Maybe next time the opportunity arises you could just take a deep breathe and go for it? Scary I know, I could have written post myself. If you want support then keep posting on whether you had the opportunity and how you dealt with it. It's a bit difficult to plan, but one day when you're ready you will do it and be honest with your friends. I'll keep checking just in case. Good luck

[HazelGirl]

I have the same problem. I don't really have an answer, though, except that you have to just do it, no matter how terrifying.

[unlockingsanity]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

What is the homework assignment that you need help with?

I was wondering the same thing. What exactly is the homework you need help with?

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Thanks for all your replies!!

WillowLeaf: Great idea about opportunities and how I dealt with it, thanks !

Raging Quiet: What is Codepency if you don't mind answering?

Aunty2014 and Unlockingsanity: Sorry, I can see how I haven't made my homework clear! It's quite difficult to specifically say what I would like help with - because if i knew - I would have done it!

So my homework is to talk to my friends about how I am feeling. For example , sad/angry or upset. I don't necessarily have to have a reason I don't think. Its just a way of getting comfort because I don't let anyone give me any.

But I don't know how to approach my friends even though I am so close to them! They know things in my past but they don't think i'm effected by it the way i am ...and I can't express feeling sad/unhappy - i always come across as happy.

So i guess i'm asking you guys if you have experienced feeling like I have and how you overcame it. Or any suggestions about how to approach friends and express my inside feelings of upset and sadness even though on the outside i'm smiling. I just would like a hug

Sorry if that doesn't answer your questions as to what my homework is!

[OneWorld]

Originally Posted by JustMeMyselfAndI

So my homework is to talk to my friends about how I am feeling. For example , sad/angry or upset. I don't necessarily have to have a reason I don't think. Its just a way of getting comfort because I don't let anyone give me any.

What if you're already doing your homework? You talked to an internet forum about how you're feeling so that's a step in the right direction. What if it looks something like this for you?

Talk to PC forum about feelings via private forum --> Perhaps find someone here that you relate to and start sharing even more deeply via PM --> Choose one friend that you can trust and share your concerns/feelings via an email (so you don't have to see them in person) --> Confide to that one friend in person (even though you've been handling it via email) --> Choose a different friend who doesn't know about your journey necessarily and share your feelings with them without emails first.

Maybe something like that?

[MoxieDoxie]

I was taught that no one wants to be around someone sad, depressed or always having problems so I had to keep face for everyone else's sake. Always saying "I am great! How are you?" I am now so conditioned that I fear showing weakness and like you only deserve compassion if only seriously hurt. Isolation and avoiding is the best I can do when I am just mentally not well and struggling. Can't have anyone see me.

[Raging Quiet]

Hi, in reply to your question, codependency is when you put others needs before your own, to the point it debilitates you. I'm sorry I can't post you a specific link, but if you google it, it may term it better.

[unlockingsanity]

I have problems with this, too.

When I'm out with a friend, generally the coversation goes back and forth with "How are you" and "What's new". I usually pose the question and let my friend answer. Then I respond as if she's asked the same of me.

Even if it's just short like, "I'm having an off week, but hopefully next week will be better."

You don't have to go and spill everything, but just say something small that's in line with your life.

[Aloneandafraid]

I really relate to your post too. I'm sorry I don't have any advice just to say I understand where you're at. I did confide in a friend but it went badly. She just didn't understand and basically told me how lucky I am to have what I have.... It was a really horrible experience as it took a lot to let my mask fall and now she is just cross with me for not making changes that she suggested (like leaving my husband!) It was a hard lesson and I am even more guarded now.

[Favorite Jeans]

What's the smallest, easiest thing you could say to a friend? Like if saying "I'm sad, I need a hug" is hard, what about just a feeling statement with no request? Like "work/school was so overwhelming today" or "I'm so exhausted, I couldn't sleep last night." Just so you start building up to it in tiny increments. How good are you at saying this stuff to your T? Can you practice with her/him?

[ScarletPimpernel]

I also have difficulty expressing how I feel to people (at least verbally)...which is why I'm not "supposed" to be writing

Like FavoriteJeans said, just start slowly. I started with the receptionist at my T's office She complimented me one day, and I brushed her off. The next week I wrote her a letter apologizing for brushing her off and thanking her for the compliment. That lead to many small verbal interactions.

You can also reflect off of what someone else says. If someone say: "This weather is really depressing", you can respond with an agreement (Yeah, cloudy days make me feel like I have no energy), a disagreement (I love the rain, it makes me feel like everything is being washed clean), or an opposite agreement (I prefer warm sunny weather...brings back good memories of summer).

You don't need to dive deep into feelings. I think it's more about relating with others and learning how to better verbally communicate.

[JustMeMyselfAndI]

Thanks again for all your posts

Oneworld:: PC forum sounds great! I'm new on here (1weekish) still figuring things out - Thanks

MoxieDoxie: I can totally relate to the Isolation part - me too

Aloneandafraid: I'm sorry your friend was unsympathetic to your needs

ScarletPimple: - Thanks for your reply Your right, I don't have to dive so deep. However, i think I already do the whole bouncing off people and I do express small emotions such as feelings about the weather/ day to day stuff - opinions - boys etc...erm maybe I'm looking for deeper sympathy - like you get from big incidents? But I don't want my friends to have to be my T or deal with me.. Maybe small feelings don't 'do it' for me - they seem so irrelevant, pointless and easy to get over? Actually I don't really know.. sorry. Ps- I also had to cut back on the writing. Well I still write and take it to sessions - but I now verbally read and expand on what I have written instead of making T read it when i'm not there!

Favorite Jeans So i guess I can probably say I'm so exhausted, I couldn't sleep last night." but i know i'll say it in an 'unemotional way' if that makes sense. Like I don't care about it and they will read this and move on.. But i might try this and pull a sad face or something haha just to see their reaction - but then am i being fake?

Quote: How good are you at saying this stuff to your T? Can you practice with her/him?: Well i write stuff because I can't always verbalize things -and i've usually written it when i'm feeling down so its my true inside feelings.. But as with all people, in front of T i'm a happy enthusiastic person and i'll say stuff feeling sad inside but saying it confidently and like it doesn't affect me - But T knows this.

Thanks guys stay strong

Have you practised your homework with t first? This is a really safe place to practise, especially if you have a fear of rejection! Maybe little baby steps first with t before you take it outside into the real world. Perhaps you have a safe friend to say it with? When you are down you can ask them for a hug?
So hard to learn how to express ourselves after being silenced for so long!

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[IndestructibleGirl]

I think it can also help to have a good long hard look at your different friendships. We can have different kinds of friends, where we each bring different things to the relationship - ie they might be good at giving practical support, rather than emotional, but you are the person they come to when they need to talk about their feelings. You might then have some friends who you feel more able to relax and talk about feelings with than others - doesn't mean the others are crap friends though, just that they meet different needs, or maybe you guys would need to develop your relationship to make it more well-rounded. I guess I'm trying to say, identify one or two friends who you feel it would be easiest to begin sharing your feelings with. Baby steps