[ruda121]

I just started seeing a new therapist about a month ago. I went to a different therapist about a year ago for a few months but quit because I felt that her approach was destructive. This time around, what led me to start therapy again was that I'm dealing with a serious issue in my life and I'm having depression and anxiety due to the situation.

I do like some things about my therapist. However, the thing I just can't stand is her constant picking apart of my past. I came to her specifically to work through something that is happening presently, and all she seems to want to talk about is my past, and show me how feelings that I had in the past are resurfacing now.

While I did have a few rough years in my life during adolescence, I feel that I have already worked through those feelings and situations. When my therapist constantly brings things up and tries to relate what's happening now to what happened in the past, it doesn't make me feel like I'm bringing up any buried emotions, it just makes me feel frustrated because I want to talk about what's happening now. I really don't think that the emotions I'm having are related to anything that happened in the past. I think anyone in my situation would be feeling this way no matter what happened to them when they were young.

This is just making me feel like maybe therapy isn't for me. Should I voice my concerns to this therapist, (even though I feel like she's just going to try to convince me I'm wrong), or look for another therapist? What are your thoughts on therapists who constantly pick apart your past, especially if you feel that the past is already resolved?

[CantExplain]

A lot of therapists believe that all the answers lie in the past. And it's true that old, unresolved pain can hold us back.

But change, hopes, desires, fears all lie in the future and that's worth looking at too.

[RTerroni]

It can take a while to break in with a new Therapist, just give it some more time.

[Leah123]

I suggest you talk it over with her: whether her reply is helpful or not, you'll have good information to determine whether it's worth continuing with her. I don't think you have anything to lose, I think the tough conversations are some of the most valuable parts of therapy.

[unlockingsanity]

Do you know what type of therapy you're in? The psychodynamic/psychoanalysis type of therapy focuses a lot on the past, where as CBT/DBT focus more on the present. Perhaps you're just not in the right therapy for you or the type of therapy you're looking for.

[Elektra_]

i think every therapist wants to know about ur past first in order to understand ur behavior in present. either u realize it or not its connected. and its normal u talk about it first, i did too. u can always tell her that u want to talk about about the present too. maybe save some time for it? tc

[sweepy62]

Its like when you first go to a doctor, they want to know your family history, even if they are not living. Metaphorically speaking the doctor needs to know your familys med past to know your presnt risks, just as therapy.

[Mactastic]

My T never brings up the past. I asked him about this. He said it's just his style. Some T's think it matters and some don't, I suppose. Maybe it's worth talking to your T about your feelings and just see what comes up.

[Favorite Jeans]

Even if she's "right" and your past really actually has a lot of bearing on what you're currently experiencing, the fact that other issues feel more pressing to you right now should take precedence. If the past is truly that important to what's going on, there will be no escaping that fact (if you keep going to therapy.) She should have the patience and perspective to know that and not push her agenda. You get to decide what you'd like to focus on.

[curious george]

Hi ruda121,

I'm new here, so I'm not sure how I got the name "curious george" ... anyway ... I completely agree with what "Favorite Jeans" says here ... see my note after this ...

[QUOTE=Favorite Jeans;3526077]Even if she's "right" and your past really actually has a lot of bearing on what you're currently experiencing, the fact that other issues feel more pressing to you right now should take precedence. If the past is truly that important to what's going on, there will be no escaping that fact (if you keep going to therapy.) She should have the patience and perspective to know that and not push her agenda. You get to decide what you'd like to focus on.[QUOTE=Favorite Jeans;3526077]

My short answer for you, ruda121, is FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION!!! Yes, following YOUR GUT / YOUR INSTINCTS will bring you the best result!

Although it is fine for the new T to learn about your past, because sometimes there are answers there that we don't think about, it is still up to YOU as to what you focus on in therapy!

How do I know this? I have seen at least 11 Ts over the past years, and only have had 3 that seemed to be there for MY interests. I've mostly seen them for less than 1 year each, sometimes for only 2 visits. There have been BIG gaps of time between them, because I've gotten discouraged in this whole idea of therapy, due to feeling that they weren't there to assist me & instead they were just doing their time, so they can get a paycheck.

I usually seek one out when I've felt I couldn't work something out on my own for months & months, or years, and then I will finally say, "ok, it's time to get some input". Fortunately for me, I FINALLY FOUND A GOOD ONE!!! Since I did have 2 that seemed good previously, I didn't truly know how mediocre the additional 8 were until I met my current one!

I started with a new therapist about a year ago. My HMO insurance is set up that I can only see her about every 4 to 8 weeks unfortunately. During the past 2 months, I she offered for me to attend a group therapy situation, so that has made it more frequent.

My T is wonderful! She is focused, hears me, and catches every little thing I say. She makes sure that she pays attention to almost EVERY little word I say, because she knows if I say it, it must have taken up residence in my head, and gives me a good way to change how I think about it.

It wasn't until NOW, a whole year after meeting her, that I asked her,
Me: "What's supposed to happen with this therapy thing?"
T: (very empathetic) "This is a time for you to be totally focused on YOU! YOU can be 100% absorbed & talk about ANYTHING YOU want to talk about!" Then she said something like: Her job is to listen, and offer her skills to assist me in working through whatever is going on with me!

Me: "I come in here and sometimes talk about a variety of things, and don't know if I ought to organize my thoughts, or just focus on talking about only one or two things?"
T: "I find that it usually helps most to talk about whatever is the heaviest on your mind."

Me: "So how is it supposed to work, and what am I supposed to do in order to get somewhere ... accomplish something?"
T: "It's like you have a bucket full of stuff & you can dump it all out in front of us. This gives you the opportunity to look at things, all at once, or one at a time. You can choose to keep -or- throw out -or- work on whatever YOU choose. YOU decide which things you want to put back into the bucket and keep, whether you work on that item or not."
Me: "Wow! That makes so much sense! THAT'S GREAT!!! No one has ever explained it to me! That's a really good visual!"
T: "Good!"
Me: "Yay! Now I get it!"

T: "I apologize that I didn't tell you this on your 1st visit. If someone has been to a therapist previously, I sometimes forget to explain this to them, and just focus their 1st appt. on their reason for seeking therapy. None of the other therapists answered this for you?"
Me: "No."
T: "I'm sorry I, and the others didn't explain this sooner. It's good that you asked!"

Like you, I thought I had already dealt with my past fully, and am finding out that I may not have gone as deep as I thought, and so it is affecting me again NOW. My T is working with me on many things BOTH past AND PRESENT!

I would understand if you want to see this new T one or two more times just to be sure it's a good fit or not. Be sure that it IS a good fit FOR YOU, IF you decide to stay with the new T!

I would say, that YOU need to keep YOUR BEST INTEREST in front of you, so YOU can CHOOSE what's BEST for YOU!!! As you go forward PLEASE KNOW that you do NOT have to settle for just mediocre therapy! I understand that it might be tiresome to look for another NEW T, yet it will be worth it, BECAUSE YOU ARE WORTH IT & SO IS YOUR HEALTH & HAPPINESS!!!

Keep in touch!

PS ~ This is my 1st post, so I'm not sure of the protocol in length of a post. I felt I needed to be thorough in sharing with you, because I want THEE BEST FOR YOU!!!

[ruda121]

Hi all, so sorry I'm just responding now. I know I first posted over a week ago. I had another session with my therapist yesterday and I think it was the final straw. She really does seem to have an agenda, and she's trying to make connections that I don't think are there. Yesterday I just wanted to scream at her. I really don't think my parents' divorce when I was 15 is the reason I'm angry that someone has wronged me recently. Honestly all she seems to want to talk about is my parents' divorce, and looking for things my parents have done wrong to me, when that isn't what I came to therapy to talk about at all. Plus she jumps to conclusions that aren't accurate. I told her one story about my mother, and one story about my father, and based on those two stories she had labelled each of my parents in an inaccurate way. She's just looking for things to pick apart. I think it's time to look for a new present-focused, maybe CBT therapist.

[curious george]

Hi ruda121 and everyone,

I'm sorry to hear that it didn't go well yesterday. On the other hand, I'm very impressed & proud of you ruda121 & your clarity!

Please know that YOU are the only one who know's what's best for you, and it sounds like you are confident & can make good decisions for yourself!

The other day after writing to you, I started looking around online, and found this Psychologist, Dr. Ryan Howes. I really like the blogs he's written, and wanted to share his website with you ... I will need to write this in long hand at the bottom of the post, because I'm too new to this website & it won't let me include a traditional link!*** scroll down and look for the ***

Ryan Howes seems to have a very stable, healthy outlook! His blog is focused on information to assist all of us in learning more about what therapy is all about. It seems that most therapists do not clue-us-in on how things are supposed to work in therapy, and Dr. Howes' information is like a guide to all the ins & outs. Sort of like a book in a blog format ... "Everything you've always wanted to know about Therapy". Although he is a psychologist, he also shares his perspective as a client, and is very truthful.

I read thru many of his posts and he makes so much sense! He is definitely someone who wants to make things better for all of us!

Let me know what you think!


*** I am typing the actual letters you need to type in CAPS, and the 'signs' in lower case letters:

Website:

W W W dot PSYCHOLOGYTODAY dot COM forward slash BLOG forward slash IN-THERAPY

or ... you can just google: The name of his blog:
Blog In therapy, Ryan Howes, Psychology Today

Originally Posted by ruda121

I think anyone in my situation would be feeling this way no matter what happened to them when they were young.

This is just making me feel like maybe therapy isn't for me. Should I voice my concerns to this therapist, (even though I feel like she's just going to try to convince me I'm wrong), or look for another therapist? What are your thoughts on therapists who constantly pick apart your past, especially if you feel that the past is already resolved?

Hi ruda-I know exactly what you meant about about situations where you'd be feeling how you do regardless of your past. I think my T can tell if he should ask questions about the present or past when these cases apply to me. One time recently he started going to the past, and I just told him what you said here-i'd feel this way regardless of my past. But he is extremely attuned to me, so that doesn't happen often.

Former T and I mostly talked about the present/our relationship. Both were psychoanalysts, so you can have psychodynamic therapy without talking about the past. (And I'm assuming you are in psychodynamic therapy if she always wants to talk about the past.)

Don't let this experience bring you down or discourage you from therapy. Just tell her when you don't want to talk about the past at the time you bring up the subject. Go tell her (if you are able to) and let us know what he says.

But keep in mind -It's common for people to think the past hasn't affected them that much, only to find the opposite is true as therapy progresses. So maybe give it a try first? If it doesn't work out, maybe an inter-personal therapy T would be a better fit for you. There are many different approaches.

Can you tell us what brought you to therapy in the first place?

oooh just read your other post. Yes, it doesn't sound like her approach is for you.

[ruda121]

Woowww ok bumping this thread. I'm kind of speechless right now...

I decided to give this therapist another chance and ended up staying with her for a few more sessions. My last session with her was on 2/24. By that point, I was just DONE with her. There were so many red flags of weird/dangerous therapy.

So, on the day of what was supposed to be the next session, which would have been 3/3, I decided to not show up. I know, I know. But, this therapist was adamantly against emailing and I just knew that if I called she would try to talk me into staying with her. Also, she never had me sign any paperwork so I knew I wasn't contractually obliged to pay her. I figured when I didn't show up she would take the hint.

A few days later, I received a handwritten letter to my house saying "Dear _____, I'm worried about you. You didn't show up to your appointment. Please let me know if you're ok."

I wrote a short letter back saying "I apologize for not calling. I have decided to end therapy with you and will no longer requiring your services."

Today, I received another hand written letter. This is what it said.

"Dear _____,
Thank you for your letter. I am sorry you are ending. You have not been in therapy long enough with me to see how negative patterns from childhood continue to be repeated.

For example, your father did not make you see your mother after she left you [inserting to add that this therapist was obsessed with focusing on how my mother "left me" when this wasn't the full story at all; I constantly tried to talk about the full story and reality of what happened when I was a teenager regarding my parents' divorce, but she was so intent on convincing me that my mother abandoned me that she refused to see it any other way] when you were 14. teenagers are not capable of being a fair judge in decision making. Thus you were abandoned by both parents. You were left alone to take care of your childlike father and to worry about your brother for years with nobody looking out for you.

You are repeating this now, abandoning yourself, by giving up therapy again. Choosing to not continue is a dangerous choice. You are being the same parent to yourself as your parents were to you. Your life will continue with you feeling desperate, scared, and alone [none of which I actually feel].

People who continue with the hard, painful, costly work of therapy have better, happy lives. I hope you come back. My door is always open to you."

-----------------------

I called her back and left a voicemail, quite angrily asking her to please not contact me again, and explaining that I have pursued therapy elsewhere with someone who is helping me in a more healthy and constructive way.

I am reeling from this letter. This is weird, right? I am honestly worried that she is going to continue to try to contact me and get me to come back.

[NWgirl2013]

Yep, this is weird. It is, I'm sorry to say, a business and she just lost a little income stream from you.
She clearly has her own agenda, one that seems to have nothing to do with you.
Yes! Bravo! Good for you for recognizing it wasn't a good fit and moving on.
ps: I think this therapist needs therapy. She seems to have an attachment disorder (!)
If there is anymore contact, just mark it 'return to sender' & for heaven sake don't read!

[ruda121]

Thank you! I completely agree, this woman did not seem mentally stable herself and the things she said constantly backed up that suspicion. It was like she was trying to impose her own issues on me, saying that they were my issues, if that makes sense? Glad to be done with her.

[Puglife]

I find it weird that she doesn't email under any circumstances and sent the by mail. Couldn't this be a violation of confidentiality because someone could have intercepted the letter? That may be a far reach, but still she should not have put that in a letter.

[ruda121]

Yes. And interestingly, on that note, a few weeks back I told her I had gotten into a fight with my mom because I told her I didn't want her to open my mail anymore (I was living with my boyfriend for 4 years but still had my mom's address listed as my permanent address so some things were still coming to her house, mostly bills that I didn't need because I see them online- and I recently moved back with my mom). My mom insisted on opening the mail in case something important came through - she would never open anything personal though. The therapist was SO fixated on how awful it was that my mom opened my mail, even though that wasn't the point I was trying to make about why I was angry with her, just a side story.

It occurred to me that maybe she was thinking (hoping?) that my mom would intercept the letter and read what she wrote about her.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by ruda121

Woowww ok bumping this thread. I'm kind of speechless right now...

I decided to give this therapist another chance and ended up staying with her for a few more sessions. My last session with her was on 2/24. By that point, I was just DONE with her. There were so many red flags of weird/dangerous therapy.

So, on the day of what was supposed to be the next session, which would have been 3/3, I decided to not show up. I know, I know. But, this therapist was adamantly against emailing and I just knew that if I called she would try to talk me into staying with her. Also, she never had me sign any paperwork so I knew I wasn't contractually obliged to pay her. I figured when I didn't show up she would take the hint.

A few days later, I received a handwritten letter to my house saying "Dear _____, I'm worried about you. You didn't show up to your appointment. Please let me know if you're ok."

I wrote a short letter back saying "I apologize for not calling. I have decided to end therapy with you and will no longer requiring your services."

Today, I received another hand written letter. This is what it said.

"Dear _____,
Thank you for your letter. I am sorry you are ending. You have not been in therapy long enough with me to see how negative patterns from childhood continue to be repeated.

For example, your father did not make you see your mother after she left you [inserting to add that this therapist was obsessed with focusing on how my mother "left me" when this wasn't the full story at all; I constantly tried to talk about the full story and reality of what happened when I was a teenager regarding my parents' divorce, but she was so intent on convincing me that my mother abandoned me that she refused to see it any other way] when you were 14. teenagers are not capable of being a fair judge in decision making. Thus you were abandoned by both parents. You were left alone to take care of your childlike father and to worry about your brother for years with nobody looking out for you.

You are repeating this now, abandoning yourself, by giving up therapy again. Choosing to not continue is a dangerous choice. You are being the same parent to yourself as your parents were to you. Your life will continue with you feeling desperate, scared, and alone [none of which I actually feel].

People who continue with the hard, painful, costly work of therapy have better, happy lives. I hope you come back. My door is always open to you."

-----------------------

I called her back and left a voicemail, quite angrily asking her to please not contact me again, and explaining that I have pursued therapy elsewhere with someone who is helping me in a more healthy and constructive way.

I am reeling from this letter. This is weird, right? I am honestly worried that she is going to continue to try to contact me and get me to come back.

I think this woman is honestly trying to help you. That doesn't mean she is, of course, nor does it mean you should go back.

I notice she makes no offers, no concessions, no promises, no apologies. She merely presumes to know what is best for you. A therapist of the Madame T school.

If you did go back, it would be on her terms and nothing would change.

[AllyIsHopeful]

That does sound frustrating...I would definitely address this concern with her. I know you stated that you can't see how your current feelings toward your present situation relate to the past and how you would feel this way regardless of your childhood hardships, but is it possible your T could be seeing something you don't? She does have a completely different perspective because she is an outsider looking in, which makes it easier to connect the dots or see things at face value. It's just a thought...it really could be anything. That's why it would help to talk to her.

If you decide to discuss this matter, it may be helpful to ask her about her intended therapeutic approach. Based on discussions I have had with my therapist, and how she would draw diagrams and make lists to help explain, I presume she subscribes to the idea that everything I am feeling now and all of my current issues root from experiences from infancy through age 3. If I completely disagreed with that theory and saw zero truth/logic in it, it would obviously be best to find a new therapist.
In the end, you are paying for this service and you don't have to sit there and accept/listen to things that don't resonate with you or theories/approaches that are not helpful to you.

Good luck.

[ruda121]

Originally Posted by Hopelessly Hopeful

That does sound frustrating...I would definitely address this concern with her. I know you stated that you can't see how your current feelings toward your present situation relate to the past and how you would feel this way regardless of your childhood hardships, but is it possible your T could be seeing something you don't? She does have a completely different perspective because she is an outsider looking in, which makes it easier to connect the dots or see things at face value. It's just a thought...it really could be anything. That's why it would help to talk to her.

If you decide to discuss this matter, it may be helpful to ask her about her intended therapeutic approach. Based on discussions I have had with my therapist, and how she would draw diagrams and make lists to help explain, I presume she subscribes to the idea that everything I am feeling now and all of my current issues root from experiences from infancy through age 3. If I completely disagreed with that theory and saw zero truth/logic in it, it would obviously be best to find a new therapist.
In the end, you are paying for this service and you don't have to sit there and accept/listen to things that don't resonate with you or theories/approaches that are not helpful to you.

Good luck.

Did you read the last thing I posted about what ultimately happened?

[tametc]

Originally Posted by ruda121

Woowww ok bumping this thread. I'm kind of speechless right now...

Today, I received another hand written letter. This is what it said.

Choosing to not continue is a dangerous choice. You are being the same parent to yourself as your parents were to you. Your life will continue with you feeling desperate, scared, and alone [none of which I actually feel].

-----------------------

OMG, I agree with you that this is weird, to say the least. Her using the phrase "dangerous choice" is so wrong, IMO. It's like she's making herself and her therapy your only hope to be OK. And the last sentence, about how your life will continue with you feeling desperate, scared, and alone...who the heck does she think she is? This is definitely an unhealthy therapist, IMO, and red flags are all over the place! I don't agree that she's trying to help you. If she were professional, she would perhaps offer to give you a referral, but not this "come back or you're doomed" BS. Good for you for moving on.

If she continues to try to contact you, I'd call the police and tell them she's harassing you. Seriously.

[Favorite Jeans]

Wow. That's so unbelievably inappropriate, I'm shocked. If she contacts you again, I think you should send her a cease and desist letter.

At first it sounded like she just wasn't that skilled or sensitive, but the letter she sent you is disturbing both because she should not contact you after you've said you were terminating and because of the way she is so aggressively pushing her agenda. "Abandoning yourself?" Really? WTF? Who does she think she is?

I would report it to her professional licensing body. I think it's a major violation.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

Wow. That's so unbelievably inappropriate, I'm shocked. If she contacts you again, I think you should send her a cease and desist letter.

At first it sounded like she just wasn't that skilled or sensitive, but the letter she sent you is disturbing both because she should not contact you after you've said you were terminating and because of the way she is so aggressively pushing her agenda. "Abandoning yourself?" Really? WTF? Who does she think she is?

I would report it to her professional licensing body. I think it's a major violation.

I have the exact opposite problem. I have made a couple of attempts to reach out to Madame T since I left and she has not responded. "I want you to come back" or "I don't want you to come back" would each have been preferable to her silence.

Bad Facilitator did chase me. But I didn't want it from him.

[ruda121]

Thank you for your responses. I have decided that if she contacts me again, I will return the letter without opening it, and if she contacts again after that, I will notify the licensing board and/or the police. I am feeling seriously violated.