[LesFleursDuMal]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here, and this is the first thread I write. For those who don't know, I'm French, so I apologize if there's any mistake.
I started seing a psychologist in October. I can really say that I trust him, he has been absolutely perfect and understanding with all the troubles I have shared with him (self harm, sexual abuse...).

However, two days ago when I saw him we talked about SH, and I told him I had stopped doing it on my arms. So he asked where and I said 'on my thighs', and he said 'where on your thighs ?'.
I don't know why this question embarrased me so much... I kept silent for a while, then I said "my upper thighs" and he kept asking where exactly, saying "come on, tell me." At some point I was almost mad at him, but I don't even know why, I told him I didn't see why it mattered and he said, "then why is it hard for you to tell me ? ". So I showed him vaguely where it was through my clothes.
None of us said anything for a while, and then he said, "that's near your genitals," and he wanted to know what I had to say about it.

As I said, I usually feel comfortable with him. I know I don't talk that much and sometimes it's hard for him to understand me, but I trust him and I don't understand why I couldn't talk about this with him. I completely shut down, and I was probably blushing. I don't understand this embarrassment, and I don't want him to believe it's because of him, and I don't understand what doing it there means and why he thought it was important.

Any thoughts?

Well, I presume where your T is headed with this is he's connecting the self-harm you're doing with your sexuality & probably from there to the sexual abuse you say you have suffered. In other words you're, perhaps subconsciously, cutting (?) yourself close to the genital area as a way of "punishing" the part of your body that made you vulnerable to sexual abuse.

I don't know that feeling embarrassed in this situation is unusual. I think everyone, for the most part, experiences a certain amount of embarrassment any time anything comes up that relates to the genitals. I don't know why that is. It just is. Perhaps there's some explanation for it in our evolution as a species. It's part of the reason we wear clothes even when we don't need them for warmth.

I don't know how many times you've seen this T. It may also be that he's just moving more quickly than you're comfortable with at this point. A couple of years ago, I saw a therapist for an initial interview. He began pushing me for intimate details right away. It made me feel very uncomfortable &, as a result, I chose not to continue to see him. It takes time for a person to feel comfortable exposing the private parts of her or his life to another person even if that other person is a therapist. Maybe your T is just moving too quickly for you. If you feel like this is the case, you can ask him to slow it down a bit. In fact, I would encourage you to relate to him what you've written in your post.

[HazelGirl]

I agree with the Skeezyks.

[Silent Void]

I would find another therapist.

[LesFleursDuMal]

The Skeezyks; thank you very much for your answer. I think you're probably right when you say that this has to do with sexual abuse. I guess now it makes sense. And I know I will have to talk to him, but I don't know if I will have the courage to do so next Tuesday. I've seen him 18 times, and I really think he thought I was ready. Having someone asking this at the very first appointment must have been awful... As I said, I trust him and I'll try talking about all of this next week. Thanks again

Silent Void : thanks for your answer. Could you explain a little more why you think I should do that ?

[AmysJourney]

I am sorry, but I somehow agree with silentvoid. Perhaps not changing to another T but perhaps telling him that it made you uncomfortable. There is two ways he can react - either take it as a cue to probe into whether it makes you uncomfortable because of what you have experienced and your feelings about that - OR, apologizing for causing anxiety and confusion and assure you to take it slower or let you initiate when you want to talk about it.

Even though I perfectly understand what Skeezyks says and support the explanation, what you wrote even makes me uncomfortable. I am a CSA survivor too and in one of my therapy sessions I told my therapist that a man I was about to sleep with stopped what we were doing and started to cry because he saw the scars on my thighs (not from SH)
She sat there in silence for a while and asked if I was comfortable to tell her where the scars came from. I told her I wasn't ready, she said ok and never asked me about it again until I brought it up myself and then it was fine.
Especially with survivors of sexual abuse it is important to respect the client's need for absolute safety, control and power over a situation.
It doesn't seem like your T has given you that control, he took control and it sounds like he pushed you into something that made you very uncomfortable and confused and somehow powerless.
(As we survivors felt when abuse happened)
In my opinion we don't need to be pushed to heal in the same way we were abused, but in the complete opposite way: Staying in control, be respected, be empowered.

Only my opinion though, coming from my own experience. Reading what you described reminded me of my own abuse. Even a memory of something I experienced came to my head. That just doesn't seem right... Not with a therapist who deals with survivors like us.

[Silent Void]

Originally Posted by LesFleursDuMal

The Skeezyks; thank you very much for your answer. I think you're probably right when you say that this has to do with sexual abuse. I guess now it makes sense. And I know I will have to talk to him, but I don't know if I will have the courage to do so next Tuesday. I've seen him 18 times, and I really think he thought I was ready. Having someone asking this at the very first appointment must have been awful... As I said, I trust him and I'll try talking about all of this next week. Thanks again

Silent Void : thanks for your answer. Could you explain a little more why you think I should do that ?

I have a creepy feeling about where your therapist is coming from. When I read your post the first thing I thought was this guy is a sexual predator.

[Perna]

If you are not comfortable talking about the SH on your thighs, I would see if I could talk about the change from arms to thighs: when did it happen, what thoughts or event in your life happened before the first thigh self harming, etc. It could be that you got tired of hiding your arms and usually no one can see your thighs. I would perhaps start as high up as possible just because it is less exposed, a practical reason. It may or may not have anything to do with your genitals and your sexual abuse but you could get to that question more slowly just looking at the switch itself instead of jumping to the proximity of the location being close to your genitals?

[LesFleursDuMal]

Wow... I really wasn't expecting this. I felt incredibly uncomfortable, as I said but "sexual predator" ? I don't know. I don't wanna see him like that. I litteraly have no one else and I have seen several therapists before him and I have never trusted any of them as I trust him.
I take all your advices, I will talk about it next week, and I'll see how he reacts then. Amelia112, I'm sorry you went through that. I agree, survivors of csa need safety, and I usually really feel safe with him. He's really not a bad person.
Perna, I will try to talk about the reason behind it next week, thank you.

[Lauliza]

I got the same creepy feeling as silent void as soon as I started reading you post. A more sensitive, more socially appropriate T would not have pushed you about this. I second the opinion of find another T, preferably female. I am very biased about male Ts and young female clients. I don't know how old you are, but it just makes me uneasy, especially when csa is involved. Its very unfair but it is one of my personal biases.

[marmaduke]

Agree with Lauliza, I got a creepy feeling too, he should not have pushed you on this issue. I would be more comfortable with a female T

[LesFleursDuMal]

I got the same creepy feeling as silent void as soon as I started reading you post. A more sensitive, more socially appropriate T would not have pushed you about this. I second the opinion of find another T, preferably female. I am very biased about male Ts and young female clients. I don't know how old you are, but it just makes me uneasy, especially when csa is involved. Its very unfair but it is one of my personal biases.

Agree with Lauliza, I got a creepy feeling too, he should not have pushed you on this issue. I would be more comfortable with a female T

I understand your opinion. It's true that my T may seem weird and not very good at dealing with this. But he is not like that. I thought the problem was me, I thought something was wrong with me for being so uncomfortable. I will talk about this next week. But I don't want you to think he is a bad man or a bad therapist because of this. He's been very patient before, and I don't think he was trying to hurt me.
I have to precise that the abuse I have suffered has been from my aunt... So I actually feel better with a male therapist.

I am 20 by the way.